Holidays Apart?

[allina]

My husband and I are newlyweds. We live about an 1-1.5 hours away from my parents and see them at least once a month. My husband's parents live all the way across the country, we see them about 3-4 times a year. We always have a difficult time figuring out what to do around the holidays.

 

Since his parents live far away and we see my parents all the time, we spent the holidays apart, each with our own family for the first 2 years of the relationship. I went home with him 2 Thanksgivings ago, we then spent that Christmas apart. Last Thanksgiving we hosted everyone at our home, then he stayed here and spent Christmas with me and my family.

 

This year is special because it's our first holiday season as husband and wife. We are going to his parent's this Thanksgiving but it looks like we will spend Christmas apart.

 

At first I was ok with this but the more I think about it the more I dislike the plan. We do not have pressure from the family to do one thing or another. My parents actually think I should go home with him but then they would be spending Christmas alone.

 

Should I just go home with him for Christmas? Is it weird for married people to spend the holidays apart?

[Lauriebell82]

I have the same situation you do. Husband's parent's live 6 hours away and my parents live about 20 minutes away. We see my parents usually twice a month, sometimes three times a month. We see his parents about 4 times per year! We usually go visit husband's parents for holidays (on the ACTUAL holiday) and then see mine when we come back. They are absolutely fine with it, because they understand we see them a lot more frequently then we see husband's family. We always call my family on the actual holiday to say we miss them and love them.

 

I don't think it's weird for spouse's to spend holidays apart, but it is not something I enjoy doing personally. If it were me, I would go home with your husband and then visit with your parents when you come home. If they are understanding about it, that's another bonus.

[allina]

I have the same situation you do. Husband's parent's live 6 hours away and my parents live about 20 minutes away. We see my parents usually twice a month, sometimes three times a month. We see his parents about 4 times per year! We usually go visit husband's parents for holidays (on the ACTUAL holiday) and then see mine when we come back. They are absolutely fine with it, because they understand we see them a lot more frequently then we see husband's family. We always call my family on the actual holiday to say we miss them and love them.

 

I don't think it's weird for spouse's to spend holidays apart, but it is not something I enjoy doing personally. If it were me, I would go home with your husband and then visit with your parents when you come home. If they are understanding about it, that's another bonus.

 

Thanks LB

 

My issue with going there for Christmas is that I can't take any days off of work during this time. I will have a total of 4 days off. Flying to where his parents live takes about 6 hours, so between getting to the airport, the flight and getting to our destination we are looking at almost a full day or night of travel time. It sort of sucks! Plus, I'm the only family my parents have in this country.

 

However, I feel like I should do it for the sake of family. I'm really in to the holidays so I'd love to spend them with my husband.

 

Another thing, next Christmas we are all going to Europe to spend Christmas with my extended family, even my in-laws might come.

 

The year after that I will either be pregnant pr have a new baby so we will be hosting. Either way this is the last holiday season where this will be an issue so I want to be flexible, I just don't know which way.

[Star Gazer]

Granted I'm not married, but IMO once you're married, you're a unit, a family, and you should spend Thanksgiving and Christmas together. Barring separation due to deployment, I would find any arrangement where we spent the holidays apart to be unacceptable.

[anne1707]

As husband and wife, you are now your own family unit. Spend the holidays together - sometimes with his family, sometimes with yours and sometimes with neither.

[sb129]

Allina, when WB and I first got married we were advised to spend our first christmas as husband and wife together, alone.

 

Obviously that didn't happen because I had had wonderbaby before our first christmas as a married couple. (we got married in early jan)

 

Now that we DO have a child, everyone wants a piece of us and christmas is one big stressful juggling act. We would love to host but our whole family live in the same region, while we live 5 hours drive away, and we couldn't have them all here due to divorce politics etc etc.

 

I am not really looking forward to Christmas- we aren't seeing my family, and my mum will probably spend most of the day alone like she did last year, but we are having my family christmas on boxing day. Hs family are way more demanding than mine so we just go with it to keep the stress levels down.

 

If your parents are OK with it, I would go with your H- esp if you are all going to Europe next year and you will be hosting the year after that.

[allina]

Thanks everyone. Originally I felt like it sucks to spend it apart but that rationally it made sense and that I would deal. My grandma said almost the same thing as SG Though she was even pushier

 

I guess I will just go with him then. It just makes me feel so sad to picture my parents alone on Christmas Chances are they will have fun anyways and won't miss me thaaaaaaat much but still.

 

I think that what bothers me is that my parents are very calm, rational and kind people. They are just so easy going and easy to get along with. They are the type to say "whatever you want is great" and really mean it. On the other hand, my MIL is the type to get hysterical, pushy, demanding and dramatic. I don't want it to seem like I'm giving in to that, and like her bossy, loud attitude is winning over my mother's demure ways.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks everyone. Originally I felt like it sucks to spend it apart but that rationally it made sense and that I would deal. My grandma said almost the same thing as SG Though she was even pushier

 

I guess I will just go with him then. It just makes me feel so sad to picture my parents alone on Christmas Chances are they will have fun anyways and won't miss me thaaaaaaat much but still.

 

I think that what bothers me is that my parents are very calm, rational and kind people. They are just so easy going and easy to get along with. They are the type to say "whatever you want is great" and really mean it. On the other hand, my MIL is the type to get hysterical, pushy, demanding and dramatic. I don't want it to seem like I'm giving in to that, and like her bossy, loud attitude is winning over my mother's demure ways.

 

Aww, I'm sure your mom doesn't think that, she knows you want to be with your husband.

 

I understand feeling guilty, I sometimes feel that way too that I'm not with my family. But I see them right after the holiday is over and celebrate like it is the actual day. Call them on Christmas and talk about what they will be doing and tell them you love them. That always makes me feel better. And try not to feel TOO guilty, enjoy the time you get to spend with your husband. I'm very excited for our first holiday season as husband and wife, I'm sure you are too.

[allina]

I'm very excited for our first holiday season as husband and wife, I'm sure you are too.

 

I am too!! :love::love: I'm a very festive person. I love the holidays and I love family so this is a special time of the year. Have a wonderful time Mrs. LB

[whichwayisup]

It's time to split up holiday time. One year Thanksgiving at his parents place, then Xmas at your parents place, following year you switch/reverse it. This is a compromise that has to happen for both of you, otherwise you'll always be apart during holiday celebrations.

 

A, do you have brothers or sisters? I'm sure your parents won't be alone, they must have other family and close friends they can be with during the holidays..

 

Also, you still can have a Christmas dinner and present opening with your parents, just not on Xmas day.

 

Go with your H, he is your family now and you two shouldn't be apart.

 

On the other hand, my MIL is the type to get hysterical, pushy, demanding and dramatic.

 

And your MIL will have to learn that she cannot expect to spend every holiday with her son and you. That your family is his family too. Hopefully she won't throw a crap fit next year when he doesn't spend Xmas with his own family, and he goes with you to your family..

Edited November 25, 2010 by whichwayisup

[allina]

Before leaving for Thanksgiving I had changed my mind. Even if it wasn't the ideal situation for me, I was going to go, just to be with my husband.

 

A lot has happened over the past 3 days and I am no longer considering going there for Christmas. Or, should I say that there is not a chance in hell I'm going back there in a month.

 

There are some things up in the air right now.

 

I'm angry that it's outside forces that are bringing us down and causing stress in our marriage. DH and I are amazing together and it breaks my heart that this outside **** has a negative impact on us.

 

As far as Christmas is concerned, I don't know what will happen. He's saying he wants to stay here and spend it together but I'm not ok with him making a decision while he's upset.

 

We'll see.

[Star Gazer]

What did your MIL do this time? (I'm assuming...)

 

I'm sorry you're upset, A. Perhaps staying here and being with your DH is what's best though. ((HUG))

[threebyfate]

I'm sorry to hear about this allina. It looks like you're reluctant to discuss this on the forum so if you need to discuss it, PM me and I can try to help if only as a venting source.

[sb129]

Hugs Allina.

 

I am really sorry to hear about this- my perception of you is that it would take a fair bit to wind you up, so it must be serious.

 

My MIL can be trying at times, so if it is that, I can offer you support in that regard.

 

I am also available via PM for venting if you need it.

[allina]

Hugs Allina.

 

I am really sorry to hear about this- my perception of you is that it would take a fair bit to wind you up, so it must be serious.

 

My MIL can be trying at times, so if it is that, I can offer you support in that regard.

 

I am also available via PM for venting if you need it.

 

Thanks sb, I'll definitely post more details tomorrow. I just sent SG a pm as well, I might forward it to you tomorrow if I don't post the full details. Thanks for the support

[Star Gazer]

Thanks sb, I'll definitely post more details tomorrow. I just sent SG a pm as well, I might forward it to you tomorrow if I don't post the full details. Thanks for the support

 

I just responded. You deserve big hugs (((A)))).

[desertIslandCactus]

Before leaving for Thanksgiving I had changed my mind. Even if it wasn't the ideal situation for me, I was going to go, just to be with my husband.

 

A lot has happened over the past 3 days and I am no longer considering going there for Christmas. Or, should I say that there is not a chance in hell I'm going back there in a month.

 

There are some things up in the air right now.

 

I'm angry that it's outside forces that are bringing us down and causing stress in our marriage. DH and I are amazing together and it breaks my heart that this outside **** has a negative impact on us.

 

As far as Christmas is concerned, I don't know what will happen. He's saying he wants to stay here and spend it together but I'm not ok with him making a decision while he's upset.

 

We'll see.

 

 

 

I agree with others that you and your husband are one unit and should spend the holidays together ..

 

But Particularly Allina - I thought it was unreasonable for your H to spend Both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family, instead of splitting the visits between his family and yours. .. So I don't care that you didn't go on Thanksgiving.

[allina]

We are spending Christmas together, though I'm not sure how I feel about it.

 

I was going to go home with him but when we were there for Thanksgiving there was drama. I get along with his family but his mom can be hysterical, unpredictable and unreasonable. Thanksgiving was tense, she made some back handed comments to me and my BIL's gf. Then she got absolutely pissed off at me for something ridicules and things got really ugly.

 

I wanted to stay at a hotel for the last night but she apologized and my FIL begged me not to go.

 

At this point I'm just done going there only to be on edge and uncomfortable during my vacations. It's not even that I'm angry, despite everything I love my in-laws but I'm unwilling to put myself through this on Christmas.

 

My husband and my FIL are extremely upset with my MIL, especially since this wasn't the first time she has acted like this. My FIL called my parents and apologized for how I was treated. Everyone knows that something with her needs to change. She is alienating everyone and it's just a sad situation.

 

Now my husband is staying with me for Christmas and we are spending it with my parents. However, the entire thing is clouded by the drama. I feel really bad for my husband, I don't want him to be sad or upset. He claims he isn't and that Christmas will be perfect, bit I'm just not sure.

 

Also, I'm not sure if my not going home with him, and therefore him not going home we are further damaging the relationship with my MIL.

[Lauriebell82]

 

Also, I'm not sure if my not going home with him, and therefore him not going home we are further damaging the relationship with my MIL.

 

This isn't the nicest thought in the world, but maybe she will learn that she can't treat you like that and expect you to want to spend time with her. So it may teach her a lesson? I know that sounds harsh, but maybe it's time she learned there are consequences for her actions.

 

We are both very lucky to have husbands who are so supportive when it comes to family drama!

[allina]

This isn't the nicest thought in the world, but maybe she will learn that she can't treat you like that and expect you to want to spend time with her. So it may teach her a lesson? I know that sounds harsh, but maybe it's time she learned there are consequences for her actions.

 

We are both very lucky to have husbands who are so supportive when it comes to family drama!

 

My H said that as well. He said he wanted to spend the holidays with me no matter what and that she needs to understand that if she acts like this people will not want to be around her. I agree with the idea but I feel like my H's happiness and the stability of family is more important than teaching someone a lesson.

 

Either way, we are both extremely lucky to have amazing, loving, supportive hubbies

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with the idea but I feel like my H's happiness and the stability of family is more important than teaching someone a lesson.

 

YOU are his family, and YOU are most important. Yes, his parents and siblings will always be his family, but the minute you said "I do" you and your happiness became your husband's first priority. I understand you are feeling bad though, but your husband thinks of you as his family now.

 

I know this because my husband told me the same thing last week!

[whichwayisup]

I wanted to stay at a hotel for the last night but she apologized and my FIL begged me not to go.

 

Next trip out there, you guys stay in a hotel and visit his family. That way you're not there 24/7.

 

It's great your FIL is understanding and probably will now be talking to his wife, how out of line she was. My guess is, the next trip she'll be putting in more effort.

 

As much as it sucks, unfortunately you need to be the bigger person in this situation. This woman is going to be in your life forever, so somehow peace has to happen. This doesn't mean you lose your backbone, or stand up to her but you pick your battles, and also sit and talk to her rationally (as time goes on in the future) and your H needs to stand up to her as well, set rules and boundries.

[allina]

YOU are his family, and YOU are most important.

 

Absolutely. My H and I are family, and that relationship will always be number one.

 

However, I also value our parents and extended family. I'm not one to see family only once a year, so not destroying the relationship between me and my in-laws or my H and his mom matters to me.

 

Next trip out there, you guys stay in a hotel and visit his family. That way you're not there 24/7.

 

It's great your FIL is understanding and probably will now be talking to his wife, how out of line she was. My guess is, the next trip she'll be putting in more effort.

 

As much as it sucks, unfortunately you need to be the bigger person in this situation. This woman is going to be in your life forever, so somehow peace has to happen. This doesn't mean you lose your backbone, or stand up to her but you pick your battles, and also sit and talk to her rationally (as time goes on in the future) and your H needs to stand up to her as well, set rules and boundries.

 

I could never do the hotel thing. I think it's so cold and it would cause more drama.

 

My H and my FIL have had conversations with MIL many many times. There have been issues with her long before I came along This last time she said she was sorry and admitted to being wrong, something they told me she has never done before. At the end of the fight my H told her that she cannot keep treating his wife or him like that and that it needs to change. We'll see if it does. The next time I see her will be awkward!

[sb129]

HI Allina, I have been thinking about you and hoping you were OK.

 

This is a difficult situation, but I think you and your H have made the right decision. You are a unit, and he sounds like a great guy if he is prepared to stand up to his mother in your defense. That takes guts and lots of men wouldn't have the backbone to do it.

 

I know it may feel like you are making your H "choose" you over his family but you aren't, his mothers behaviour has been the cause of all this.

 

If she has apologised, then at least she can see that she has some groundwork to make up, which is a good start.

 

Families, esp in laws, are full of complexities and personality differences. As people say, familes: can't choose 'em, can't shoot 'em!

 

My in laws are both quite difficult people, and my MIL has just been pretty horrible to my SIL (Hs brothers wife) over the fact that they are having another baby. MIL thinks there is no way they should be having another baby because she doesn't think they can afford it, and that it had better be a girl because they have two boys already and she wants another granddaughter.

 

SIL hasn't stood up to MIL and I wish she would, as MIL shouldn't be 'allowed' to get away with being such a B*tch. But standard practice in their family is to say nothing, and b*tch about it behind eachothers backs, and let the resentment build.

Its infuriating!

 

My family is more of a yell and scream and let it all out type of family- not perfect either but at least everyone knows where they stand.

 

I didn't speak to my other SIL (my brothers partner) for nearly a year last year after she behaved abominably at my fathers funeral. I will never be her best friend, but we keep the peace for everyones sake, and its not that awkward.

 

Anyway- just letting you know that you aren't alone when it comes to the political minefield that is in laws and extended family.

 

If I know you, you will handle things diplomatically and with grace (unless there is a shrieking Eastern European side to you that you don't show on here! )

[sb129]

PS- as you said, the issues were there before you came along. Which means its her problem, not yours.