RomeyM Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 I am 40 years old and have been married for 8 years to a good man that I love; he is 49 and like I said he is a good man but he is a terrible husband, it's been a long emotional roller coaster ride. He is an alcoholic and the longer we're together the worse the addiction becomes. When we were dating I never saw this side of him, I just saw him drink a few beers during games and fishing and things but after I said I do it all changed but it was too late, I was in love with the man and I still am. All of his friends are single men, he doesn't have any married men he runs around with, and by run around I mean they run around like teenage boys, they do everything together. I am left out of most every aspect of his life except for doing his laundry and cooking for him. My first husband passed away and he was the most loving and kind person God ever put on this planet, he spoiled me and treated me like a queen, GM is a polar opposite. When I had that wonderful man he nearly drove me nuts he was so attentive now I would give anything to have him or someone with his traits back in my life. I had a hysterectomy last year and my husband took me to the hospital, waited until the surgery was over then told me goodbye after I came out of recovery, and he never came back he just left me there, my mom came to pick me up the next day. My first guy would have never even conceived of doing that, he would have never left my side. I don't know what's wrong with me that I feel so attached to him, maybe I have become dependent on him for whatever unhealthy reason. I am in RN school and I still have 26 months left before I graduate, I need his income in order to be able to stay in school but is that fair to him? I feel right now like if I had enough money even as much as I love him I would tell him it's over I can't deal with it anymore. I prayed today that God would help me find a way to cope with him for 2 more years and I prayed for God to help him with whatever demons he is struggling with. I don't know what to do. I love him but I can't play second fiddle forever, I want our marriage and our family to be his first priority but it never will be. If I bring up the matter of divorce he tells me how much he loves me and wants to be here and then it is great for about 8 weeks and then the roller coaster takes a nosedive right back to this place, where we are now. Am I right to stay with him for financial support to get through school since he thinks as soon as I finish he can retire from work even though in my heart I know I will leave as soon as I get my first paycheck. Am I making a huge mistake to divorce someone I am in love with? I don't know what to do but something has to give here and he would never ever consider counseling and he denies any alcohol problems even though if he's awake he's drinking whiskey or vodka. I am a lost soul here, I need someone to guide me in the right direction. (As far as kids we have 5 total, 3 his and 2 mine and all of them are of age and living elsewhere except for my 16 year old son. He is good to my kids but he is a terrible role model for my son). I guess to sum it up the question is to divorce or not to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
I am Broken Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 Sorry that you are going through this. My wife left me and she loves me and I was a pretty good man to her. I did have my faults but I was much better to her than the man you describe. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 It seems you're not really in love with him. It's more like a dependancy of sorts. Link to post Share on other sites
goingstrong Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 He is good to my kids but he is a terrible role model for my son). I guess to sum it up the question is to divorce or not to divorce. First, I would keep your son away from him as much as possible since a 16 yr old is at a very impressionable age. Second, He does not have to know what is in your heart every waking second. You have given him several chances now, with no results, and you do not have a lifetime or children of your own invested in the marriage. Additionally, his addiction makes the relationship toxic to you and your child. It is pretty clear that you owe him nothing more. As far as staying married until your done with school, I see no moral issue with staying married until you're finished as long as you don't bring a 3rd party..ie another man....into the situation until after your divorce. As far as your husband goes...... you cannot change a person, you can only change how you react to that person, which may/may not get them to change themselves. If he is not strong enough to beat his addiction, you sure as hell can't do it for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RomeyM Posted November 25, 2010 Author Share Posted November 25, 2010 [quote=goingstrong;3116312 As far as staying married until your done with school, I see no moral issue with staying married until you're finished as long as you don't bring a 3rd party..ie another man....into the situation until after your divorce. As far as your husband goes...... you cannot change a person, you can only change how you react to that person, which may/may not get them to change themselves. If he is not strong enough to beat his addiction, you sure as hell can't do it for him. Thank you all for your replies. You are absolutely correct in I cannot change a person I can only change how I react to that person and the part about bringing a 3rd party in is not a problem, I swore a year ago if I ever divorced GM I would stay alone for a long time and I meant it. Thanks so much and Happy Thanksgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
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