Today is the worst day of my life

[MAN1]

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and have kids 5 and 7. Until yesterday everything was perfect (really). Other than a difference in libido, we are financially secure, I have a good career, we are healthy, my wife and I really get along and have always had similar goals and such. I could go on, but understand we had no past history or abuse, or anything. NO idea anything was coming my way.

 

 

After another discussion about sex and our difficulties to see eye to eye, she told me she is not attracted to me in any way. Not at all. Hugs do nothing, kisses are just like stone to her. She said it has been kind of coming for 5 years since our youngest was born and we had in that time a hard time with the differences in our libido. She also said she could feel sexy and attracted to someone, just not me. She says that she has felt this way about other men both in the past and recently, but never has acted on these feelings and won't. She says she does not under any circumstances see a way to ever get that feeling back.

 

 

We agreed to take it day by day and see how things go. Neither of us ever (well maybe she did) think we would not die together. We were always the good couple without the problems.

 

 

The worst part is that intimacy, feeling needed in that way, and sex are REALLY important to me. I am a touchy feely kind of person, I aways have needed this. BOOM! - like a smack across the face with a big stick. It hurt triple to know she's not asexual, it's just me. So there it is. Our whole lives, and all my being invested into something that is just a farce. I can't believe it. I literally feel like my life is over, just close up the doors now. I have no one I can talk to about this, no one I am close enough to or trust. So now I am just lost..... Hurting in a way words cannot explain. All I ever wanted was her. I love her and am attracted to her still. I always have been absolutely mad about her.

 

 

 

I wish for the day she is back interested in me, but I have my doubts. I am pissed she finds others attractive, just not her loving supportive husband of 14 years with whom she has 2 lovely children.

 

 

 

I would love to hear feedback from others who may have had this and how is it or did it work out? Maybe say a little prayer for my soul too.

[What_Next]

I am going to say this and you will NOT likely listen to me, but your wife is either already in an affair or is about to seal the deal.

 

Now I know your first reaction is going to be "not my wife", "impossible" etc.

 

Trust me on this, countless of us here on LS have been through precisely this sort of scenario.

 

Research the 180 and do it now!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FanFan]

This has AFFAIR all written over it.

 

Snoop. Install keylogger to her computer to see what she's up to. Check her cell phone record. One phone number should stick out. If not, look in her car for a hidden cell phone.

 

You will find something!

[Binster]

Start hiding money somewhere safe.

[seibert253]

This has AFFAIR all written over it.

 

Snoop. Install keylogger to her computer to see what she's up to. Check her cell phone record. One phone number should stick out. If not, look in her car for a hidden cell phone.

 

You will find something!

 

^^^^^^^

This

 

Sorry to say, but if you research it, you'll find countless number of others on this site who got this same speech, and only after doing the above, learned "the whole truth".

[Toodamnpragmatic]

We've seen this over and over and almost exclusively it is male's writing these posts..... Now being superficial I will ask the obvious as to physical appearance..... Have you put on 60lbs, no longer groom/bathe/shower/dress up? Are you still romantic, without being over the top? Do you still surprise her at times, buy flowers (not overdone), remember birthdays/anniversaries.....

 

I agree unfortunately that it is time to snoop. Get answers and prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

 

That out of the way, read the 180, which I haven't, but I expect it tells you to stop talking to her about this or asking for answers. Time to decide what you want to do with your life? Be honest with yourself as to how you may have gotten to this point and what you contributed to her "feelings". Maybe you have contributed little and this is her 7 year itch. No marriage/partnership is perfect, but is it worth working to save it.

 

Forget the kids for now, they are young and resilient, but they need to understand it is better to live in two loving households then one that is fraught with landmines.

 

Time for you however to be selfish when it comes to your wife. She is no longer your friend (for the time being). Time to concentrate on yourself and do what makes you happy (after the children). If that means going to the gym, watching sports, concerts, out with the guys, working longer..... do it.

 

And remember (and here some may disagree)...... It is HER FAULT.... Once you've done the honest assessment, and no one is perfect, be ready for that conclusion. And don't let her or anyone forget it. I don't care about taking the higher road.... Why???? She did this to you.

 

Do not talk to her about this any longer outside demanding counseling (individual and marriage). Put a time frame on it and prepare for a tough road ahead. Really F*&k her.... What she said is so unfair and nasty and cuts to the core of a human being.

 

No one deserves it. You say you have been a loving husband, successful (and yes that matters), built a life together and she does this and expects you to understand and be okay?

[goingstrong]

Women rarely just give up on marriages. With most women, physical appearance is secondary unless it is an extreme change. Usually when they give up, it has one or more of these 3 elements.

 

1. 3rd party involvement

2. Physical/emotional abuse from husband

3. Drug/alcohol abuse with either husband or wife.

 

We need more info to analyze your situation.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Women rarely just give up on marriages. With most women, physical appearance is secondary unless it is an extreme change. Usually when they give up, it has one or more of these 3 elements.

 

1. 3rd party involvement

2. Physical/emotional abuse from husband

3. Drug/alcohol abuse with either husband or wife.

 

We need more info to analyze your situation.

 

From the OP.....

 

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and have kids 5 and 7. Until yesterday everything was perfect (really). Other than a difference in libido, we are financially secure, I have a good career, we are healthy, my wife and I really get along and have always had similar goals and such. I could go on, but understand we had no past history or abuse, or anything. NO idea anything was coming my way.

 

I did ask the question in my post above, but actually how about just taking him at his word??? Though I do agree with #1 above, #2 is moot as is #3 by the sounds of things....

 

And yes women generally are much better when is comes to overlooking physical changes, that is not generally always the case...... I just threw it out there to take it off the table....

[goingstrong]

That's what i get for skimming...my bad. A lot of these stories all sound the same.

[phillyfan]

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and have kids 5 and 7. Until yesterday everything was perfect (really). Other than a difference in libido, we are financially secure, I have a good career, we are healthy, my wife and I really get along and have always had similar goals and such. I could go on, but understand we had no past history or abuse, or anything. NO idea anything was coming my way.

 

 

After another discussion about sex and our difficulties to see eye to eye, she told me she is not attracted to me in any way. Not at all. Hugs do nothing, kisses are just like stone to her. She said it has been kind of coming for 5 years since our youngest was born and we had in that time a hard time with the differences in our libido. She also said she could feel sexy and attracted to someone, just not me. She says that she has felt this way about other men both in the past and recently, but never has acted on these feelings and won't. She says she does not under any circumstances see a way to ever get that feeling back.

 

 

We agreed to take it day by day and see how things go. Neither of us ever (well maybe she did) think we would not die together. We were always the good couple without the problems.

 

 

The worst part is that intimacy, feeling needed in that way, and sex are REALLY important to me. I am a touchy feely kind of person, I aways have needed this. BOOM! - like a smack across the face with a big stick. It hurt triple to know she's not asexual, it's just me. So there it is. Our whole lives, and all my being invested into something that is just a farce. I can't believe it. I literally feel like my life is over, just close up the doors now. I have no one I can talk to about this, no one I am close enough to or trust. So now I am just lost..... Hurting in a way words cannot explain. All I ever wanted was her. I love her and am attracted to her still. I always have been absolutely mad about her.

 

 

 

I wish for the day she is back interested in me, but I have my doubts. I am pissed she finds others attractive, just not her loving supportive husband of 14 years with whom she has 2 lovely children.

 

 

 

I would love to hear feedback from others who may have had this and how is it or did it work out? Maybe say a little prayer for my soul too.

 

Sorry dude, I feel for u. U sound like the kinda straight up family man that every guy should be and every lady wants to have. Ur wife, she sounds like shes moved on an I dont get that, but you man, you sound like a really really good guy. I bet ur kids think u r the best, and I guess this hurts bad but if u can hold on to that idea and the idea that one day the love of ur life is gonna come knockin on ur door, then u can get thru this.

 

Dude one thing I wud say...dont torture urself, ask her to move out. Havin her there will hurt even worse than the way it is now, least that way u can start the business of movin on.

[Tinkerbell1]

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and have kids 5 and 7. Until yesterday everything was perfect (really). Other than a difference in libido, we are financially secure, I have a good career, we are healthy, my wife and I really get along and have always had similar goals and such. I could go on, but understand we had no past history or abuse, or anything. NO idea anything was coming my way.

 

 

After another discussion about sex and our difficulties to see eye to eye, she told me she is not attracted to me in any way. Not at all. Hugs do nothing, kisses are just like stone to her. She said it has been kind of coming for 5 years since our youngest was born and we had in that time a hard time with the differences in our libido. She also said she could feel sexy and attracted to someone, just not me. She says that she has felt this way about other men both in the past and recently, but never has acted on these feelings and won't. She says she does not under any circumstances see a way to ever get that feeling back.

 

 

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. I have to point out that things were not "perfect". Particularly from her standpoint. You say that yourself in the bolded above. It sounds like you have had many discussions about the libido issue and you have had a hard time with it. There is something else to this and it doesnt necessarily have to be an affair. Many women lose their libido after childbirth but then they just dont want sex. Since she told you it was her feeling that way about you, you need more information. Sex is rarely about what happens in the bedroom, it is the marital issues and dynamics that affect the couple's sex life that is the REAL issue, particularly if at one point in time the sexual relationship was good (as perceived by both parties).

Did she give you any explanation for why this occurred? Did she clue you into anything that you have done, or any lack of attention, etc. that could have played a part? Was her tone in this discussion flat, angry, an "I dont care" attitude? If she presented this to you in any way except for gently and lovingly and with apology there is much more to this than her just losing interest in you. Women just dont fall out of sexual attraction with their partner. There are always reasons. And if for some reason that DID happen but she still loves you and doesnt hold you responsible, she would have told you very lovingly how badly she feels that she doesnt feel that way about you.

Try not to jump on the cheating bandwagon here, at least not yet, because to be honest, most women in marriages who look to cheat do so to fulfill their needs that arent being met in the relationship. Your job is to discuss this with her and try to work it through, counseling is HIGHLY recommended. Her job is to go to counseling with you and also work through it. I would also ask her why during one of your numerous discussions since your child was born, didnt she ever bring up this lack of attraction to you? If thats how she felt five years ago, that is very unfair and unhealthy not to discuss it with you.

If she is unwilling to talk with you and go to counseling and actively participate, THEN you maybe will want to start investigating the chance of another man being involved. You will also want to consider that its time to move forward, unless you are able to be happy in a sexless relationship without affection. And from what you have written, that sounds highly unlikely!

Oh, and there have been posts on here about a woman telling her husband she didnt want sex with him ever and the response was, fine, I will just go and get a mistress and you and I can agree to the terms. It was very affective according to the poster. Does anyone remember who that was?

 

Its really not acceptable for anyone in a marriage to just tell the other partner that they will no longer have sex with them (or worse, not to even tell them and just keep refusing). It's hurtful and selfish. You deserve more. Go ahead and process your feelings about this, but dont give yourself too much time to wallow. Get up, dust yourself off and face it head on with your wife. Then you can find out what plan of action you need to take. Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Woggle]

I think I might have been talking about my barber who had a wife like this and flat out told her that if she didn't want him then he will find it with another woman. He tried everything else with no results but this worked. Her libido magically came back to life. I don't know why.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and have kids 5 and 7. Until yesterday everything was perfect (really). Other than a difference in libido, we are financially secure, I have a good career, we are healthy, my wife and I really get along and have always had similar goals and such. I could go on, but understand we had no past history or abuse, or anything. NO idea anything was coming my way.

 

 

After another discussion about sex and our difficulties to see eye to eye, she told me she is not attracted to me in any way. Not at all. Hugs do nothing, kisses are just like stone to her. She said it has been kind of coming for 5 years since our youngest was born and we had in that time a hard time with the differences in our libido. She also said she could feel sexy and attracted to someone, just not me. She says that she has felt this way about other men both in the past and recently, but never has acted on these feelings and won't. She says she does not under any circumstances see a way to ever get that feeling back.

 

 

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. I have to point out that things were not "perfect". Particularly from her standpoint. You say that yourself in the bolded above. It sounds like you have had many discussions about the libido issue and you have had a hard time with it. There is something else to this and it doesnt necessarily have to be an affair. Many women lose their libido after childbirth but then they just dont want sex. Since she told you it was her feeling that way about you, you need more information. Sex is rarely about what happens in the bedroom, it is the marital issues and dynamics that affect the couple's sex life that is the REAL issue, particularly if at one point in time the sexual relationship was good (as perceived by both parties).

Did she give you any explanation for why this occurred? Did she clue you into anything that you have done, or any lack of attention, etc. that could have played a part? Was her tone in this discussion flat, angry, an "I dont care" attitude? If she presented this to you in any way except for gently and lovingly and with apology there is much more to this than her just losing interest in you. Women just dont fall out of sexual attraction with their partner. There are always reasons. And if for some reason that DID happen but she still loves you and doesnt hold you responsible, she would have told you very lovingly how badly she feels that she doesnt feel that way about you.

Try not to jump on the cheating bandwagon here, at least not yet, because to be honest, most women in marriages who look to cheat do so to fulfill their needs that arent being met in the relationship. Your job is to discuss this with her and try to work it through, counseling is HIGHLY recommended. Her job is to go to counseling with you and also work through it. I would also ask her why during one of your numerous discussions since your child was born, didnt she ever bring up this lack of attraction to you? If thats how she felt five years ago, that is very unfair and unhealthy not to discuss it with you.

If she is unwilling to talk with you and go to counseling and actively participate, THEN you maybe will want to start investigating the chance of another man being involved. You will also want to consider that its time to move forward, unless you are able to be happy in a sexless relationship without affection. And from what you have written, that sounds highly unlikely!

Oh, and there have been posts on here about a woman telling her husband she didnt want sex with him ever and the response was, fine, I will just go and get a mistress and you and I can agree to the terms. It was very affective according to the poster. Does anyone remember who that was?

 

Its really not acceptable for anyone in a marriage to just tell the other partner that they will no longer have sex with them (or worse, not to even tell them and just keep refusing). It's hurtful and selfish. You deserve more. Go ahead and process your feelings about this, but dont give yourself too much time to wallow. Get up, dust yourself off and face it head on with your wife. Then you can find out what plan of action you need to take. Good luck and please keep us posted.

 

Always await them and am never disappointed..... Always the man's fault and he was too obtuse to even notice...... Yes I am being sarcastic, however this is a common take.... The man missed all the signs and didn't pull his weight..... Or something to that affect.

 

BTW the spouse has told him, she has a libido and interest...... Just not with him..... not one iota...... Really sad.....

[Tinkerbell1]

TDP, wow really mean reply You sound really bitter, jeez lighten up!

 

I wasnt DEFENDING his wife at all. You apparently didnt read my post and only read what you wanted to. I am a woman and have gone through similar and I work with couples so, i can tell you personally and professionally, there is definitely something going on and that there is a positive way to deal with it. The husband thinks everything is perfect but obviously his wife doesnt, so yes, there is a problem. But as I pointed out in my post, he knew things werent "perfect" becasue his sexual needs werent being met. Also, he was really unhappy and feeling deprived in that dept. for a long time and she should have told him a long time ago if she felt that way and WHY. That is in no way blaming the husband. I also advised him that there is no way he should put up with it, if she wont come clean as to why she feels that way. DID YOU READ THAT???!!!

 

Maybe I should have said, jeeez Man1, she is a beeeyotch and you should just divorce her azz. would that be better? Or even better, ohh duuuude, she cheatin on yo azz.

 

Yeah, that would have been really helpful.

 

Whatever

[Tinkerbell1]

Its really not acceptable for anyone in a marriage to just tell the other partner that they will no longer have sex with them (or worse, not to even tell them and just keep refusing). It's hurtful and selfish. You deserve more. Go ahead and process your feelings about this, but dont give yourself too much time to wallow. Get up, dust yourself off and face it head on with your wife. Then you can find out what plan of action you need to take. Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

TDP, wow really mean reply You sound really bitter, jeez lighten up!

 

I wasnt DEFENDING his wife at all. You apparently didnt read my post and only read what you wanted to. I am a woman and have gone through similar and I work with couples so, i can tell you personally and professionally, there is definitely something going on and that there is a positive way to deal with it. The husband thinks everything is perfect but obviously his wife doesnt, so yes, there is a problem. But as I pointed out in my post, he knew things werent "perfect" becasue his sexual needs werent being met. Also, he was really unhappy and feeling deprived in that dept. for a long time and she should have told him a long time ago if she felt that way and WHY. That is in no way blaming the husband. I also advised him that there is no way he should put up with it, if she wont come clean as to why she feels that way. DID YOU READ THAT???!!!

 

Maybe I should have said, jeeez Man1, she is a beeeyotch and you should just divorce her azz. would that be better? Or even better, ohh duuuude, she cheatin on yo azz.

 

Yeah, that would have been really helpful.

 

Whatever

 

and pointing out we have heard this all before. This may have however been the coldest slap in the face I have read on this site. Many men here have come and complained about a lack of sex or mismatched libidos... And to discuss the importance with your spouse is fair. Now he may be a complete and utter jerk and oblivious to all his faults, but that did not come through from the post. Thus it is all conjecture on your part (and mine).

 

I am saying that after 18-20 months on LS, I read this over and over and the responses are presdictable (including mine).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

She said it has been kind of coming for 5 years since our youngest was born

 

That's the glaring part of the original post:

 

 

Had there not been the timing with the birth of the 2nd child then this would likely be any of a number of worse things.

 

Given that timing, it may well be biological within her. I don't suppose either side "knows" that she could be attracted (and sexually stimulated) by another party.

 

At least take steps to rule out the chance that something biological relating to the 2nd childbirth didn't just do an unfortunate number on her libido.

 

What is her birth control history? Were there any changes to birth control that coincided with the birth of the last child?

 

(meaning, for clarity: might she have been on one traditional B.C. method prior to deciding to have the 2nd child, and then, for whatever reason, SWITCHED to a new one after the child was born?)

 

Don't give up until you've crossed-off some clinical possibilities.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

That's the glaring part of the original post:

 

 

Had there not been the timing with the birth of the 2nd child then this would likely be any of a number of worse things.

 

Given that timing, it may well be biological within her. I don't suppose either side "knows" that she could be attracted (and sexually stimulated) by another party.

 

At least take steps to rule out the chance that something biological relating to the 2nd childbirth didn't just do an unfortunate number on her libido.

 

What is her birth control history? Were there any changes to birth control that coincided with the birth of the last child?

 

(meaning, for clarity: might she have been on one traditional B.C. method prior to deciding to have the 2nd child, and then, for whatever reason, SWITCHED to a new one after the child was born?)

 

Don't give up until you've crossed-off some clinical possibilities.

 

 

She also said she could feel sexy and attracted to someone, just not me. She says that she has felt this way about other men both in the past and recently, but never has acted on these feelings and won't. She says she does not under any circumstances see a way to ever get that feeling back.

 

No she claims it is just him and she has no interest in rekindling those feelings.

 

Yes it may be biological but her words are stinging, cruel and nasty......

[MAN1]

Op here... I can provide much more insight.

 

No medicine or birth control pills since I had a vasectomy 4 years ago (after our youngest was 1yr old). No iron issues or other issues that we know of.

 

I am fit normal healthy, keep myself groomed. I rarely swear, don't drink much, no drugs, don't yell, share in around the house stuff, and am active with the kids and engaged as a whole. I don't see the issue here. I am not perfect, but I think my wife would agree that this is not a contributor to the issue. She says she cares about me and thinks I am a great father and provider. She has struggled to keep her weight where she wants it, but never has been too big (more than 12-14 I think). I was always clear and she would agree, that I have loved the way she looks clothed or naked no matter what. I do think she has had poor self body image in the past though. I love her body and she knows it.

 

When she told me she was very factual and upfront but was extremely remorseful and regretful it is like this. She says she knew this for a long time but only now could pinpoint it and say after really trying and faking it for a time that she's just tired and can't do it anymore. She cried and seems very guilty to have done this but had no choice but to say. I wish she would have told me.

 

KEY POINT - 4 months ago we moved to a western foreign country with another language. This has changed our lives completely in that she no longer works and I work more and harder. Also we can't do our regular date nights, etc. We both wanted this and she says she is actually quite happy here, but rather it was being here that exposed what she has always felt. She was VERY clear that the move was not the cause or make it worse, just possibly made her realize the way she was feeling since it made more obvious the difficulties she was feeling. She thinks we have nothing in common. I agree she doesn't like my car hobby, and I don't like to go to live concerts, but we both love to travel, enjoy dinners out, some of the same shows, playing cards, and a few drinks among many other things. On date nights, we would go play some pool, and we enjoy lots of summer stuff like beaches, boats, our cabin, and more. We come from very similar backgrounds and see eye to eye on family, finances, kids raising, where we spend our money, how much we want to see family etc. I swear we were even similar in our growing up personalities in that not very popular, but got along just fine, and we both like attention, but not obvious attention. I am trying to get to the bottom of this but it is hard because the last thing we need to do is continue to talk about this out over and over. BUT I do need to know more from her before we can move on. If we do nothing different than before, then nothing will change in her feelings. So I do need more from her on her feelings of what she thinks has happened.

 

She was clear that she did have feelings for me when we got married, and beyond. We had libido issues even as far back as engagement. While this was probably my top issue in our marriage, I would have thought if it was such a problem for her, and that this would have resulted, I TOTALLY would have changed my expectations. Maybe I should have anyway, but I wish she would have communicated to me more in the past about how much this hurt her and how much it affected her.

 

We have no family here and neither of us have anyone else to talk to. I am determined to make a go and give this some time. I cant imagine my life without her. If we had no kids, I may feel differently I suppose. But no way I am going to let this ruin their lives, which this type of thing could happen.

 

As far as another lover we talked about this and she is very honest and clear that it is not the case. I just don't see this as likely for lots of reasons. I have to trust and believe her if we are to move on. I can see from her side how this has come on over time. If this were to ever be the case, there would absolutely be no hope for us, kids or not. But I really don't see this or feel this is the case. I can really understand what she explains that she is just tired of the pressure and finally it turned her off.

 

Yes libido was always an issue and I think all the times of her doing it when she didn't want to ( she never told me like that ) caused her to turn off from it. She very clearly told me the turning point was after the 2nd was born and she felt I wAs selfish in my needs sexually and otherwise.

 

I am despondent and is all I can do to get up and not cry. I have not eaten in 2 days and can't sleep. I just saw her (just wearing sweats) but the thoughts of her not even interested in me made me almost throw up right there, I had to leave the room. Of course other than general down ness and how I initially told her how I feel, I am not going to be the mopey sucker. I am going to put on the strong face and see what we do next.

 

I have made some online counseling inquiries but it would only be for me. She just want us to take some time and see how things go. In the meantime no intimacy. She doesn't communicate to me enough in the last days because she is tired of talking about it but we do hug and kiss and sleep in the same bed. If this were to change in that sep beds or she was not even willing to hug I don't know how much lower I could go.

 

I propsed to move home but she wants really to stay the full 2 years for our experience, my career, and for the kids experience. If we left it would be catastrophic for my career and very costly but I would do it in a second and told her that. I think at home we could have many more familiar options to reconnect and be a whole family. Here it is hard, we really have to find new things to do to enjoy ourselves and be together.

 

One things she did point out is that she says she doesn't see me have fun with the kids since we have been here and this bothers her. I agree with her because work is hard and very stressful. So is living in a place I don't know the language. Also, she says the kids go to bed and we have nothing to do together. So without it being too forced, I am immediately going to change these things, and search out more family things, do more fun things with the kids, find a babysitter asap, and find other things we can do together in the evenings. I admit this move has been tough.

 

She has always been the stronger one, with me always being the one needing more in emotional support, not just sex. She did say some of my needyness is a problem. She says I should NOT need her to feel happy, I should be happy on my own, not to feel down when she is down, and need her to be always happy. I admit maybe I need her TOO much and show it. I have to change this too but right now it is weird because I want to be near her but it is a bit weird, I don't know what to say or do.

 

I am lower I have ever been. My work IS affected too, which is bad because it is busy right now. I don't know what is next. I know I need to talk to SOMEONE, ANYONE. I can't talk to my parents, that would be weird, and I know a problem for her if she knew. I don't have close enough friends at home or here. Typing this here makes me feel better, but I need more help.

 

I am hurting in such a way words cannot describe. I'll be at the store or at my desk, and the thoughts cause me to start crying so I have to go into the bathroom or a private place. It hurts so bad knowing the one person I want more than anything and I have invested my whole 14 year life and family with does not feel the same. I don't want a mistress or anyone else. This would not help because what I want is her, intimacy and loving from her, not anyone else.

 

It really is NOT the sex that I am missing since it has only been a bit more than a week, it is the knowledge of how she sees me, and the lack of a clear future. If I knew it would be a year or two and we could and would get back to a good place, then I would be ok. But I don't know if she thinks it is possible.

 

So that's all.

Edited November 27, 2010 by MAN1

[FanFan]

 

As far as another lover we talked about this and she is very honest and clear that it is not the case. I just don't see this as likely for lots of reasons. I have to trust and believe her if we are to move on. I can see from her side how this has come on over time. If this were to ever be the case, there would absolutely be no hope for us, kids or not. But I really don't see this or feel this is the case. I can really understand what she explains that she is just tired of the pressure and finally it turned her off.

 

That's what EVERY cheater say. Read around here, you will see. No cheater is going to her husband and say, "oh, I am sleeping with John or I am talking to Mike on the internet and we have phone sex." You didn't think she is going come to you and tell you that she is not attracted to you, what makes you think that you would have sense that she is going after another man? Cheaters lie. With her low selfesteem and all, don't think for a second that it's a challenge at all for a playboish type of guy to wow your wife with little attempt.

 

She is seeing or interested in someone and they are flirting heavily or sleeping together already or at least phone sex. She is a stay at home mom, right? PUT A KEYLOGGER AND CHECK HER INTERNET ACTIVITIES. Don't tell me there are no males living in your neighborhood or shop at the market she goes to. Don't tell me there are no dads taking their kids to the school your kids go to and don't tell me your wife stays at home 24/7. Once again, it's very likely this is an affair conducted mostly online, such as facebook, some online game, etc. Keylogger!!!!

Edited November 27, 2010 by FanFan

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You maybe absolutely right about everything you have written and I am very sorry for the situation you are in. What you need to do, for lack of a better term is "man up".... Your company sent you to a foreign land and should offer a number of services for you and your family to acclimate and that includes counseling services. Use them and figure our what you want from life.

 

Unfortunately like many here, the warning signs were always there and you ignored them.

 

As far as I can tell her excuses are empty.... You have plenty in common.... To think you should be attached at the hip and enjoy everything is preposterous. You should have your hobbies and your spouse hers.

 

I'd cool it for now and look at counseling as the only option.... And quit moping.....

[FryFish]

Affair! Some young stud is banging your wife while you are out working... harder and longer hours. Otherwise she really wouldnt care so much about staying in this new country where she "stays at home and doesnt know anyone or the language they speak"...

 

Keylogger and 180 dude...

[Mando3604]

I have actually been in your wife's situation before. I was married to my husband for only 2 years because of the issue your wife described to you. My husband and I came from similar backgrounds and everyone thought we were perfect together also. He was very engaged and loving and involved with me. I did my part to take care of him as well. Although I was attracted to him in that I thought he was handsome, I wasn't sexually attracted to him. It didn't mean that he was ugly, he just didn't do it for me in that way. I didn't like having sex with him, it wasn't something that I ever initiated with him. Sometimes the relationship seems so good that you overlook things like that until it comes to a breaking point. Sometimes it comes quicker than others. Sounds like that's what happened to your wife. At least she's being honest with you. Everyone else is saying that she's having an affair and that might be so, but it doesn't have to be. I wasn't having an affair but I think if I stayed in that marriage then I probably would have. My ex husband is still attracted to me and talks about getting back together with me but I know that could never happen because I still do not think of him naked. Hope I helped. I wish you luck.

[Molley]

Goodness, I hate to say this... but as a woman, she's either having an affair, or thinking/dreaming about it. Even if she's not having a PA, she's no longer interested in having sex with her husband.

 

OR... it could be that she married you because you were a good guy, everyone thought you guys were perfect together and she felt she needed to get married. I'm sorry, she may have never really be attracted to you sexually. If that's the case, you should move forward with your life, find a woman who will love you, all of you, and one who will want to be with you sexually.

 

OR... yes one more or... there's something going on healthwise... get her to a doctor.

 

If she is having an affair, well... if you want to fight for your marriage, then do so. If she gives up the affair, that loving feeling will return, even though she says it will never come back... that's a bunch of BS... sexual love does return, she just needs to allow it back in.

 

uhmm... just for the record, my husband told me basically the same thing, (loved me like a sister, he was unhappy, bla, bla, bla) he insisted he wasn't having an affair. I totally trusted him until my BFF slapped me around and I started checking... sure enough... the big A. It took me another few months to install a keylogger. BEST. THING. EVER....

[MAN1]

If she was having any kind of affair it would be over period.

 

I know what you all say but I'm just not convinced. Maybe I just need to believe her right now.

 

If she knows I am snooping woulnt she be able to detect a keylogger? If she knew I had done that affair or not there would be no hope for us and that is not what I want.

 

Is there any was for me to detect a keylogger on my computer?

 

Don't really want to go this way honestly.