Today is the worst day of my life

[RecordProducer]

I think she is asexual. Asexual people have the habit of making excuses for their failure and their favorite ones have to do with blaming it on everyone else: their spouse ("You're not sexy"), their parents ("I had a bad childhood"), their ex-lovers ("My ex-BF abused me"), their children ("YOU go have sex after cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and taking care of little kids!"), their bosses ("I've been working all day, I'm tired"), the weather ("It's too hot, don't touch me"), the time ("It's midnight, let me sleep"), the phone (always a good excuse to get up and get dressed)...

 

But, I would try Woggle's magical advice. In fact, forget the ultimatum. Take a shower while singing, shave, put purfume on, dress up in brand-new clothes that she's never seen before, and look really cool and sexy. Then just tell her, "Dear, I met this smoking hot chick, 15 years younger than me, and I'm soooooooooo glad you suggested an open relationship! I love you! Mmmmuah. :D" Then kiss her on the cheek and watch her exclaim in shock, "I never suggested any such thing!" Come back over here!

 

[MAN1]

With all due respect to those posting I have remixes I have 2 choices:

 

1) play games, say about the girlfriend, snoop, keylogger etc. Making this choice would be giving up and I am not doing that now. If she were to find out about a keylogger or my mistress game didn't work then it would be over including if she has nothing going on.

 

2) trust her, talk to her, get someone to talk to myself and take time to work it out. I am going to do this. I am not stupid and will be paying attention , but if I go about this as if she is cheating than nothing will move forward. If that is found in the future then so be it and we will move on. We've discussed always including recently that if either of us had any intentions of being with someone else we would tell each other first. Call me naive but this IS the only choice I have if I want to make it work.

[FanFan]

With all due respect to those posting I have remixes I have 2 choices:

 

1) play games, say about the girlfriend, snoop, keylogger etc. Making this choice would be giving up and I am not doing that now. If she were to find out about a keylogger or my mistress game didn't work then it would be over including if she has nothing going on.

 

This is the way to go MINUS the girlfriend/mistress game playing crap. There is NOTHING WRONG with snooping giving the circumstances you're in. Just get a Good keylogger.

[RecordProducer]

I don't get the whole suspicion about an affair. You're all basing it on the premise that a woman who's cheating will NOT have sex with her husband? Where on earth did you find that logic?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

With all due respect to those posting I have remixes I have 2 choices:

 

1) play games, say about the girlfriend, snoop, keylogger etc. Making this choice would be giving up and I am not doing that now. If she were to find out about a keylogger or my mistress game didn't work then it would be over including if she has nothing going on.

 

2) trust her, talk to her, get someone to talk to myself and take time to work it out. I am going to do this. I am not stupid and will be paying attention , but if I go about this as if she is cheating than nothing will move forward. If that is found in the future then so be it and we will move on. We've discussed always including recently that if either of us had any intentions of being with someone else we would tell each other first. Call me naive but this IS the only choice I have if I want to make it work.

 

Last week you posted you are a wreck.... You can't concentrate, you are crying and your world is shattered and then are offended that people who have had the same thing happen to them suggest you get keylogger to prove/disprove whether your wife is having an affair.... Wake up, you posted here and people are trying to help and give you suggestions as to what it may be and what you can do. One is find out whether or not she is truthful that there is no one else.

 

Your spouse hit you with as nasty and cruel words imaginable and now you are arguing with those here empathizing and giving you some constructive ideas as what steps to take.

 

So ignore us and continue to wallow as you seem to have absolutely no course of action going forward.

[tinktronik]

I think she is asexual. Asexual people have the habit of making excuses for their failure and their favorite ones have to do with blaming it on everyone else: their spouse ("You're not sexy"), their parents ("I had a bad childhood"), their ex-lovers ("My ex-BF abused me"), their children ("YOU go have sex after cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and taking care of little kids!"), their bosses ("I've been working all day, I'm tired"), the weather ("It's too hot, don't touch me"), the time ("It's midnight, let me sleep"), the phone (always a good excuse to get up and get dressed)...

 

But, I would try Woggle's magical advice. In fact, forget the ultimatum. Take a shower while singing, shave, put purfume on, dress up in brand-new clothes that she's never seen before, and look really cool and sexy. Then just tell her, "Dear, I met this smoking hot chick, 15 years younger than me, and I'm soooooooooo glad you suggested an open relationship! I love you! Mmmmuah. :D" Then kiss her on the cheek and watch her exclaim in shock, "I never suggested any such thing!" Come back over here!

 

I always thought this was awful advice, until I had enough of my own spouse's lack of sexual interest. He in a fit of blame told me several times to find someone else to satisfy my sexual needs. I took a vacation and did just that. When I returned I told him I had taken his advice. This changed his tune completely. We have since gone from sex twice a ear to every week or so. I think there are people who are just lazy or drag their feet about their lives, sex being an aspect of it as well.

[You Go Girl]

She may have had an affair, is having an affair, or is thinking of some other guy in her head, doesn't matter. The thing is, whether it is all the above or none of the above, she isn't getting what she needs from her relationship with her husband, which is what would drive a woman to have an affair in the first place.

So what does she need that she isn't getting?

Somewhere in her head, she's come up with new ideas of who her husband is, and she's been working on this new image of him from her perspective for 5 long years. Ouch. That's a long time, and changing her perspective isn't going to be easy.

She looks at him, and doesn't see the strong example of masculinity that she wants. For whatever reason, she views him as a weak example of masculinity.

That's it in a nutshell.

Now how to get her to either view him as a strong masculine male, or him to change his behaviors to become one.

IF there are no other reasons, then the reason is the above. The OP states that there are no other reasons.

If I was the OP, I might try reading up on beta vs. alpha male traits. It may be superficial, it may sound stereotypical, it may be puke worthy, but in this case, it may just apply.

[Figuring]

I'm new here and a little new to all this stuff but what I can say is that it sounds like you are describing nearly the exact way I have felt about my husband for the past two and a half years - the unfortunate 'un'coincidence is that I was in an affair for the past two and a half years. My guess would be that your wife is going through a lot emotionally either given her physical connection to someone else or her overwhelming desire to have one with someone else. In many ways I wish my husband would do a 180 on me - I can absolutely see how that would make him more attractive. Perhaps give that a try - if she isn't interested in you then you go about your life with that knowledge and do what is best for you.

[RecordProducer]

I always thought this was awful advice, until I had enough of my own spouse's lack of sexual interest. He in a fit of blame told me several times to find someone else to satisfy my sexual needs. I took a vacation and did just that. When I returned I told him I had taken his advice. This changed his tune completely. We have since gone from sex twice a ear to every week or so. I think there are people who are just lazy or drag their feet about their lives, sex being an aspect of it as well.

You did the right thing, and yet you didn't learn the rationale behind your strategy: men are not lazy - they just want what other men want. If you want to keep him interested, have a bunch of guys who want you - this may not be that easy, but you can surround yourself with complete losers, it won't matter - as long as you have guys who want you. That works with men - to see that you're the object of other men's desire.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She has always been the stronger one, with me always being the one needing more in emotional support, not just sex. She did say some of my needyness is a problem. She says I should NOT need her to feel happy, I should be happy on my own, not to feel down when she is down, and need her to be always happy. I admit maybe I need her TOO much and show it. I have to change this too but right now it is weird because I want to be near her but it is a bit weird, I don't know what to say or do.

 

Taking what she says at face value... I'd say this is the start of where your problem with attraction is.

 

Chances are there are some things about the way you act that turn her off bigtime. Acting like an emotionally needy woman will turn most women off. If she wanted to be a lesbian she would go find another woman. So having you act like a girl all the time is probably gross.

 

Additionally, many women have their sex drive and attraction driven by the need to keep a guy around. If she doesn't have to do ANYTHING to keep you around... you will not be sexually attractive.

 

1) play games, say about the girlfriend, snoop, keylogger etc. Making this choice would be giving up and I am not doing that now. If she were to find out about a keylogger or my mistress game didn't work then it would be over including if she has nothing going on.

2) trust her, talk to her, get someone to talk to myself and take time to work it out. I am going to do this. I am not stupid and will be paying attention , but if I go about this as if she is cheating than nothing will move forward. If that is found in the future then so be it and we will move on. We've discussed always including recently that if either of us had any intentions of being with someone else we would tell each other first. Call me naive but this IS the only choice I have if I want to make it work.

 

Seriously... just from the sound of it I don't think she is cheating now. Maybe in the past but not now.

 

In order to rectify this... you may need to consider the nuclear option. She may suddenly find you the sexiest man on earth once you hit her with divorce papers.

 

What are the divorce laws like in your home country? That is really important, because if she has you by the balls it makes that approach a bit tougher.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

responses have been sporadic too..... Then I find this.... His first post 4 years ago!!!!!

 

I originally posted this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101132/

 

After posting, I thought very carefull about what I felt was missing, before I talked with my wife. I changed a bit from my original post. Mostly what was bothering me was her lack of interest and desire to do things outside of her sexual comfort zone. Last night we had a one hour talk (mostly I talked) about my concerns. Here is a summary of what was said (abbreviated)

 

- Sex quantity is ok. I would like more, but I can live with the way it is now

- I feel lonely, unfulfilled, and unloved

- Sexual affection is an emotional need for me, not just physical

- I want you to initiate more, and wear lingerie

- When we have sex, your reaction is: this is ok, but I could really care less

- I feel like you never want me, like I’m always chasing, it would be nice for you to try to attract me

- I don’t just want your body or parts of it, I want you, and the connection with you

- Your body is fantastic, you are sexy, I want you to see things from that perspective, to feel sexy and “let go"

- I hope you can listen and try to understand my needs and perspective

- Blow jobs and hand jobs are soooo appreciated, we used to do those when you are not in the mood

- I feel as if some parts of what I consider a healthy sexual relationship are missing

- Outside of this issue, I feel blessed, happy, and everything else is great

- I wish I could light your fire, and spark your passion. Tell me what I can do to fufill you? Is there a part of our relationship bothering you, that might drive less desire? Help around the house for example?

 

Her responses

- I’m listening

- How much is going to be enough?

- If it were up to me, we would probably have sex much less

- I am emotionally and sexually fulfilled

- I do not desire other men sexually or emotionally

- There are a few nitpick things I would like to change about you, but overall I am happy and fufilled

- Is what I give now (sex) above and beyond not enough? It sounds ungracious of what I DO give

- Do you really want me to do things out of my comfort zone?

- I am happy with how much you help around the house, with the kids, how much time we spend together

 

In the end, she listened and we talked about it, but she really did not seem to “get it” that this is important to me. We had some back and forth about whether what I was asking for was unreasonable. She seemed a bit frustrated that I am unhappy when we are having sex now (note: only in bed, only late, lights off, etc). At times when I was talking I can see how what I was saying seemed selfish, but after agonizing for months about whether or not to bring it up, and how, I do not regret saying anything. She decided to mostly think about what I have said instead of reacting right then.

 

Comments are welcome

 

Not much has changed, except what I highlighted.... Have you been so in the dark the past 4 years?????

 

Sorry time to look elsewhere and listen to my earlier advise.....

[karnak]

 

And yes women generally are much better when is comes to overlooking physical changes, that is not generally always the case...... I just threw it out there to take it off the table....

 

Interestingly, they pay closer attention to the physical aspect. They just pretend not to.

[karnak]

Sorry, Man1. My sincere opinion is that your wife never really had deep feelings for you. She could have had some affection for you, but not a real passion/love.

 

At some point in her life you were providing her the kind of life she was expecting (motherhood, family life, etc...).

 

Now, her goals and expectations have changed and she wants something else. She's starting to doubt the relationship. Be cool and be ready. Don't loose your temper and be sincere at all times. And demand the same from your wife.

 

I could be wrong. But this is my opinion so far.

[Tethys]

My wife and I have been married for 14 years, and have kids 5 and 7. Until yesterday everything was perfect (really). Other than a difference in libido, we are financially secure, I have a good career, we are healthy, my wife and I really get along and have always had similar goals and such. I could go on, but understand we had no past history or abuse, or anything. NO idea anything was coming my way.

 

[....]

 

I would love to hear feedback from others who may have had this and how is it or did it work out? Maybe say a little prayer for my soul too.

 

My heart goes out to you my friend. This sounds like a real punch to the gut and very painful. I sincerely feel for you. If this happened to me, I would be in the same position as you--I wouldn't have anywhere to turn. I hope the people on this board can help you and that you at least can catch your breath to figure out where to go from here.

[frozensprouts]

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now, it must be very had for you.

 

However, after reading your posts, something kind of stood out for me..you go over all the reasons why you don't feel that you are giving your wife a reason for feeling the way that she does.. maybe you are right, I'm not in your household so I don't know.

But I will say that we are only hearing your side of things. Perhaps if your wife was to be given a chance to have her say, we'd be hearing a different story.

 

I know when my husband and I were going through issues, if someone had asked me what was going on, I probably would have said " I don't know why this is happening. i have been a good wife and done nothing to make him act/feel the way that he's acting/feeling right now". I would have been giving a truthful answer, as I did not realize the "little things" that I was doing to upset him, and he wasn't telling me. the little things added up over time to be very, very big things.

 

You indicated that you have moved to a new country and that she is okay with that. Is it possible that she's not being completely honest. Maybe she's lonely, maybe she's away from her family and friends and feeling resentment towards you about this, but also guilt at feeling resentful-after all, you moved for your work. Maybe, without meaning to, she taking this out on you- seeing you as the one responsible for her feeling ad and lonesome. it's not fair, but it can happen. Have you asked her about this? Do you feel her response was honest? If not, give her a chance to tell you how she's feeling-it may help her to be able to "let it all out"

 

I don't know if that is what is going on in your case. The only one who does is your wife, and counseling may be the only way you'll find out what is really going on in her mind.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

For someone with less then 40 posts over 4+ years, I am perplexed. I just posted his 2006 post about sex and things have not changed, outside his wife now stating clearly she has no interest in him sexually whatsoever..... But may for someone else, but claims no one is on the horizon.

[MAN1]

OP here, the replies about an affair were messing with my head during a time when I was having a hard time controlling my emotions, so I had to take some time before coming back here.

 

I am now settled down, and while still hurt, I am not despondent or anything like that. We've have alot more talks, a vacation, and some time to work some things out.

 

She is on her own journey she says. Call it a mid life crisis. She says that while this is not new, she only now realized recently she genuinely does not know what she wants in life, and yes her lack of feelings towards me are part of that. She had all the pressures she put on herself to make everyone else happy was just too much, and now she needs space. What she wants is for me to find happiness without having to rely on her for it, and we both need to be more independent. She is going to do more of her own things, spend some time with her friends, and I will as well. We agreed though to share our thoughts, have discussions, and stay connected with date nights, etc. We are still living fully together and things are getting less and less weird.

 

We both agreed nothing has happened (either of us cheating), and will not before we come back together and decide a different direction if one of us choses that (before anything happens).

 

I do not plan to check her emails or anything like that. I plan to give her space. I also plan to change my behavior (not fake, but genuine) to not need her, hang out more with friends, do more stuff on my own, and make any family or together time good time. I will not be mopey, but rather strong. I will be the different person than I was before. She is encouraging me to go out and do other stuff, find what I want to do.

 

I realize now that my neediness for sex, and smothering behavior in general has pushed her away romantically. I also realize that this is only part of the picture and she also needs to figure out what she wants in life. Alot of what she said she is not sure about is the whole mother / home maker / wife thing altogether, having nothing to do with me.

 

As far as other past posts etc... Yes we have had constant disagreements about sex and intimacy for years. This is part of what pushed her over the edge. I do think we were connected up until a few years ago. This is when it got toughest for us, and the most difficult for me to deal with the fact that I had no idea what the hell was going on and why she never wanted sex. It came and went, sometimes great, others bad, but overall not what I wanted and my pressure and her negative feelings about the whole thing are part of what caused it all to come crashing down.

 

So now: for at least a few months there will be no pressure for sex, and I will give her space. I will be what I want to become, which I expect is what she wants too. More confident, less needy, finding my own self as well. Time out with friends, starting a workout at gym, and so on.

 

In the end if she does not want this life, or me, or wants someone else, so be it. There is nothing I can do to change that. I can change myself, my behavior, and be happy without needing her shoulder to be happy. I do miss her and will continue to miss her, but my focus is to stay connected, but try to move on somewhat in my mind and let go a bit.

 

I appreciate all the input here, even if it is not what I want to hear. I still maintain that there is nothing going on with her and someone else. Call me what you want, but unless I believe it, and move on in this way, then the marriage is already over, and I am not ready to do that. If there is some obvious stuff going on, I will investigate it. If something comes up which proves out cheating, then yes it will be over. I am not sticking my head in the sand, I just don't see that given who we know here, how long we have been here, her schedule, and our relationship and kids, that it really is true. Her behavior shows that she still very much cares for me, and is interested to at least just take some space and time to figure things out while we can live reasonably well together.

 

One last thing. She is very genuine she wants to stay here for the 2 years. I have no doubts about that. She is enjoying the culture, the language, the kids school schedule (including some home schooling) and so on. I really did give her the option that we go back immediately without any hard feelings or recourse, but she was very clear she likes it here, especially our new friends we hang out with.

 

That's it.

Edited January 4, 2011 by MAN1

[MAN1]

responses have been sporadic too..... Then I find this.... His first post 4 years ago!!!!!

 

Toodamnpragmatic, I just had to ask, are you suggesting that is my post, or someone else maybe you were replying to? Not saying you are wrong because I honestly don't know.

[Darth Vader]

OP here, the replies about an affair were messing with my head during a time when I was having a hard time controlling my emotions, so I had to take some time before coming back here.

 

I am now settled down, and while still hurt, I am not despondent or anything like that. We've have alot more talks, a vacation, and some time to work some things out.

 

She is on her own journey she says. Call it a mid life crisis. She says that while this is not new, she only now realized recently she genuinely does not know what she wants in life, and yes her lack of feelings towards me are part of that. She had all the pressures she put on herself to make everyone else happy was just too much, and now she needs space. What she wants is for me to find happiness without having to rely on her for it, and we both need to be more independent. She is going to do more of her own things, spend some time with her friends, and I will as well. We agreed though to share our thoughts, have discussions, and stay connected with date nights, etc. We are still living fully together and things are getting less and less weird.

 

We both agreed nothing has happened (either of us cheating), and will not before we come back together and decide a different direction if one of us choses that (before anything happens).

 

I do not plan to check her emails or anything like that. I plan to give her space. I also plan to change my behavior (not fake, but genuine) to not need her, hang out more with friends, do more stuff on my own, and make any family or together time good time. I will not be mopey, but rather strong. I will be the different person than I was before. She is encouraging me to go out and do other stuff, find what I want to do.

 

I realize now that my neediness for sex, and smothering behavior in general has pushed her away romantically. I also realize that this is only part of the picture and she also needs to figure out what she wants in life. Alot of what she said she is not sure about is the whole mother / home maker / wife thing altogether, having nothing to do with me.

 

As far as other past posts etc... Yes we have had constant disagreements about sex and intimacy for years. This is part of what pushed her over the edge. I do think we were connected up until a few years ago. This is when it got toughest for us, and the most difficult for me to deal with the fact that I had no idea what the hell was going on and why she never wanted sex. It came and went, sometimes great, others bad, but overall not what I wanted and my pressure and her negative feelings about the whole thing are part of what caused it all to come crashing down.

 

So now: for at least a few months there will be no pressure for sex, and I will give her space. I will be what I want to become, which I expect is what she wants too. More confident, less needy, finding my own self as well. Time out with friends, starting a workout at gym, and so on.

 

In the end if she does not want this life, or me, or wants someone else, so be it. There is nothing I can do to change that. I can change myself, my behavior, and be happy without needing her shoulder to be happy. I do miss her and will continue to miss her, but my focus is to stay connected, but try to move on somewhat in my mind and let go a bit.

 

I appreciate all the input here, even if it is not what I want to hear. I still maintain that there is nothing going on with her and someone else. Call me what you want, but unless I believe it, and move on in this way, then the marriage is already over, and I am not ready to do that. If there is some obvious stuff going on, I will investigate it. If something comes up which proves out cheating, then yes it will be over. I am not sticking my head in the sand, I just don't see that given who we know here, how long we have been here, her schedule, and our relationship and kids, that it really is true. Her behavior shows that she still very much cares for me, and is interested to at least just take some space and time to figure things out while we can live reasonably well together.

 

One last thing. She is very genuine she wants to stay here for the 2 years. I have no doubts about that. She is enjoying the culture, the language, the kids school schedule (including some home schooling) and so on. I really did give her the option that we go back immediately without any hard feelings or recourse, but she was very clear she likes it here, especially our new friends we hang out with.

 

That's it.

 

Read bolded and underlined part above, 100 times!

 

I say this, because anytime a woman says "she needs space", Translation: She has met someone else, and wants to take it to another level! It's possibly one of her new "friends" Expect the "we're just friends" bullcrap line soon! If she's not riding some other man, she will be soon!

 

I suggest a good Keylogger, just in case, just to see where things are heading, then if anything's going on, at least you won't be in the dark and less likely to be exposed to STD's.

 

DON'T BLINDLY TRUST HER! DO CHECK UP ON HER, SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT ABOUT HER AND HER ACTIONS!

[worriedsick]

I think I might have been talking about my barber who had a wife like this and flat out told her that if she didn't want him then he will find it with another woman. He tried everything else with no results but this worked. Her libido magically came back to life. I don't know why.

 

I am really hoping that there is sarcasm here, because I am cracking up reading it. I am in a similar situation with my H - a lot of the attraction is gone, and as other posters have informed me, I am apparently having an emotional affair with a friend of mine, even though I didn't realize that was what was going on. I have no desire for my H, but do feel attractive and sexual for the other person. I almost wish my H would give me this ultimatum - then, when he said he was going to "step out" I would feel like I had grounds to actually justify leaving or making some sort of a decision instead of being stuck.

 

My advice for the original poster - it really does sound like your wife has made a final decision. Unless you can live the rest of your life without sex and intimacy, or open marriage is a possibility, then you should probably more on.

[Floridaman]

*** Bump ***

Plan to post later, but want to keep this thread alive before it times-out.