Full of red flags, or simply tragic circumstances ?

[newpriorities]

Believed....I just want to echo that you need to be "selfish" here and do what is best for YOUR mental and physical health. This does not preclude you and MM ultimately ending up together. Who knows? IMO, that is NOT the issue. The issue is you taking care of yourself and living your life. IF at some point, he can re-enter your life, ok, maybe that will be a good/great thing? But right now, your life is being sucked out of you and that is NOT ok. You need to reclaim your life (again, in my opinion) and go about your business....if/when he figures out his really difficult situation, then perhaps you two can have a R.....but double drowning is never a good situation!

[jj33]

I took that as, wife accepts that he is no longer inlove with her and when he makes a move (as in telling her he is going to leave and divorce her) she collapses.

 

Though I do even wonder if this part is true, if MM isn't exaggerating to suit himself best. (part in italics)

 

Good point but it also says he is still TRYING to make the marriage work Believed which is inconsistent with what he is telling you.

 

Protect your heart Believed. Keep a distance until he sorts himself out.

[believed]

Regarding making a move, I meant when MM tries to finish the relation or suggest that they need to finish this process of going nowhere, she collapses. Sorry for the confusion of expressions! (Going nowhere also indicates some kind of conclusion...).

[believed]

Believed....I just want to echo that you need to be "selfish" here and do what is best for YOUR mental and physical health. But right now, your life is being sucked out of you and that is NOT ok. You need to reclaim your life (again, in my opinion) and go about your business.

 

Thanks! I realize it, and for the first time I said in my last mail that I´m sorry he´s feeling so bad, but right now it´s not my priority, I need to think of myself.

[believed]

Ihave only read a few replies along with OP...WOW.

 

I am glad you are going NC, I am not particularly a fan of it, although in your sitch, I think it is the best thing.

 

You are dealing with a "family" of very disturbing dynamics. It could take years to unravel all of it. They all have their own "parts" that they play and they sound very "locked" in...MM is "trying", although it is very hard for these guys that feel such a tie even under horrible circumstances to actually leave. I am not trying to make you feel bad or discourage you, although what I am saying could be fact.

Don´t worry, I listen to all you have to say. I imaging that the family is "fighting" all they can to save what is to save, naturally enough. I don´t belong in that process. I believed MM was stronger and convinced, and I let myself be convinced myself.

 

Believed, this is about YOU and what YOU want. I find sometimes with myself I loose sight of "me", I loose me...and it's real easy to loose ourselves in situations such as these...of course your tired, you've been carrying a lot on your shoulders that doesn't belong there...this is HIS M and his issues, if he asks you for advice that's one thing to help, although try not to take on too much

 

I have not really taken part in commenting or giving advice, I luckily managed to stay out of that part. Maybe that´s why I have also stayed so long just waiting, because I never went in the situation and confronted him. I felt probably these were things he had to go through, but now I don´t trust the outcome at all.

[believed]

Hi believed, what is the exact process (pretend you are explaining it to a two year old) you used in post # 68 to break up the quotes like that...others have tried to explain it but I still can't get it:)

 

Hi:)

 

1) You click on quote under the post, and you´ll see the text showing with ""quote" in to different brackets:

2) The first quote-bracket you put in front of the sentences you want to quote, and the slash-quote bracket you put in the end.

3) After the last slash-quote-bracket you can write your answer.

3) Repeat this if you want to make many quotes and comments

 

Was this easy enough for a two-year old ??

[believed]

Believed these are big red flags. Its very hard for anyone to leave a marriage after 30+ years. Harder when their children are against it.

 

Yes, I guess in the end it is like that.

 

Hes in a difficult situation. Was this woman always isolated and reliant totally on him with nothing else in her life? That was OK for 28 years and then suddenly when she gets ill, he realizes that he needs more in his life?

 

No, she was working, they had friends, activities. She has said very clearly now that she is not going to change her life.

 

 

Very very very harsh for her even if you werent in the picture. She makes it through this illness and then he says I have had enough. You are on your own. The person who was the center of your world, decides hes through with you when you have come through 7 years of illness. That is probably many people's worst nightmare.

 

Yes, that I can see and understand. But I can not really know when their problems started, I just know that these years have drained him. I also know that many people with illnesses in their lives, take the chance to open up and really live. That is also a consequences, but it needs determination and a choice to do so. I have both examples in my family, one taking active responsibility to live, another one shutting life out. The consequences for the family is of course different in each case.

 

 

By the same token, if he really is very very unhappy, marriage is not a jail sentence. But he has his conscience to wrestle with.

 

I think the conscience is a key factor.

 

Then you add to all that the fact that he has had an A and fallen in love with someone else. Even harsher for her.

 

Yes. MM started to prepare his family for a change in his life long before we got discovered. Hes "plan" was to finish his M and then develop our R. That would have been a clean cut, and we would not either have to promise each other that the R needed to go on if it didn´t work out because he would finish M for his own sake. When it got discovered, everything was turned upside down.

 

And harsh for you as he goes NC without even the courtesy of telling you. What does that say to you? Forget the rest, as an OW that would be unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable. And if I did forgive it once, I certainly wouldnt do it a second time. Hes showing you who he is with this behavior and you are excusing it because you want to believe that there must be some good reason for someone to disregard your feelings in this way.

 

Very harsh and lonely. But I have excused it thinking that I was not entitled to feel more pain than his W and family since I was partly guilty, so I never

confronted him.

 

NC is appropriate here.

 

Without a doubt! And if that is end of story, than he doesn´t have enough guts to be my Man!

 

Take good care

 

Thank you!

[believed]

Another way of quoting:

 

Select quote under the post, highlight the text you want to quote and press one of the symbols in the menu (Wrap, number three from the right). Then make your comment and highlight again.

 

OK?

[whichwayisup]

What I do sometimes is, hilite the parts of a post that you want (control C, or command C, dependin if you're mac or pc), then paste (command V, or control v), hilite it again, then use the quote function above.

 

Another way of quoting:

[jj33]

Very harsh and lonely. But I have excused it thinking that I was not entitled to feel more pain than his W and family since I was partly guilty, so I never confronted him.

 

You seem to have made your peace with the situation. I did however have to respond to this.

 

Its awful that his family will be dissolving and what his wife will face.

 

But it doesnt mean that your "bar" so to speak in terms of the bad benavior you accept from him starts where their pain ends.

 

If you dont go NC right now (like tomorrow) then make sure you tell him that if he EVER goes silent on you again like that without warning, not to bother contacting you again. I mean its not like he was stuck in a mine and even the miners got messages out... No excuse

 

You need to set your boundaries. Very very important if you want any kind of happy future with this man.

 

At various points after xMM and I stopped seeing each other he considered leaving and was stuck each time by the long marriage (30+) and the fact that he was sure his kids would hate him. I know its difficult but in the end i chalked it up to the fact that he wasnt really that unhappy and it was easier to stay.

 

You just need to know what you want for you and if he treats you with less consideration than you deserve make sure he knows it. if you dont put boundaries in place now then it wont matter if he leaves or not because you wont have the sort of relationship you want.

 

Take care

[pureinheart]

Ihave only read a few replies along with OP...WOW.

 

I am glad you are going NC, I am not particularly a fan of it, although in your sitch, I think it is the best thing.

 

You are dealing with a "family" of very disturbing dynamics. It could take years to unravel all of it. They all have their own "parts" that they play and they sound very "locked" in...MM is "trying", although it is very hard for these guys that feel such a tie even under horrible circumstances to actually leave. I am not trying to make you feel bad or discourage you, although what I am saying could be fact.

 

Don´t worry, I listen to all you have to say. I imaging that the family is "fighting" all they can to save what is to save, naturally enough. I don´t belong in that process. I believed MM was stronger and convinced, and I let myself be convinced myself.

 

Believed, this is about YOU and what YOU want. I find sometimes with myself I loose sight of "me", I loose me...and it's real easy to loose ourselves in situations such as these...of course your tired, you've been carrying a lot on your shoulders that doesn't belong there...this is HIS M and his issues, if he asks you for advice that's one thing to help, although try not to take on too much

 

I have not really taken part in commenting or giving advice, I luckily managed to stay out of that part. Maybe that´s why I have also stayed so long just waiting, because I never went in the situation and confronted him. I felt probably these were things he had to go through, but now I don´t trust the outcome at all.

 

Thank you guys very much, I can read directions if I have to concerning electronic devices, although don't understand the basic concept of their inner workings and can't remember certain processes anymore unless I use it all of the time, very frustrating...lol...so thank you:)

 

Just want to say I don't have age issues:)...exDM was 3 years older than me and had been in a M for 30 yrs...it was very hard for him to D, but he did it. I encouraged him to do that (really long story) after a few years into the friendship. I will encourage anyone to get away from an abusive sitch.

 

ExDM was 50 when he started his D...can you imagine at 63!!!!!! I had a friend that was 63 when this happened, after a 42 year M, he tripped bigtime...his W just picked up one day and went to the hospital and checked herself into the psych ward, when she got out she left him...that weekend they were scheduled to go on vacation. She was hurting so bad, a very strong woman, but had been abused and hurt and just couldn't take it anymore...he had engaged in an A (can't say I blame him, as his W was REALLY controlling)...you know, I don't blame either of them for anything they did...they were both hurt...wow, just wow.

 

In my case exDM always steered from having a real R with me...is it him...is it me..I'll never know...hopefully he can have a really loving, right on R with someone someday, although it is clear that he never really wanted me in that capacity, or we would be together.

 

It's really hard for these guys that have been in M forever, and even harder if there are the dynamics I dealt with, which yours reminded me of exDM.

 

I "believed" too, and still do...just not exDM anymore:)...you have a good head on your shoulders girl and have carried yourself well in this thread...be happy as life is short...your a really cool person BTW:), thanks for listening to my rant:) (I'm in the process of letting go)

[believed]

Removing all of the speculative stuff about what he's doing, she's doing, what's going on in their M, etc...Doesn't the simple fact that he's flitting in and out of your life at will bother you? I know you've tried to see it in the light that maybe he's doing that for your own good, but I don't see it that way at all. I see it as disrespect to you. Don't romanticize a bad situation.

 

People in mature relationships have discussions. Decisions are made together. One doesn't simply cut the other out whenever s/he desires or feels it is a benefit to either party. His actions are showing lack of consideration for your feelings.

 

One thing he has told you is that you shouldn't wait for him. Believe him. I don't care how they spin it or how genuine they are in "protecting" you, when they tell you don't wait, you should listen. This is his way of telling you that what you want isn't happening, at least not anytime near the time you want it to.

 

I have his frase of dont stop your life for me sounding in my mind. I also heard in the same conversation that he needed to breath from home, solve his problems because he knew what he wanted. He sounded bitter and destroyed. He also promised days together. After that, complete silence. After two weeks, the last word from him is "sorry for the silence", it is hard to advance, I need to do it in my tempo, when I feel better I´ll write.

 

I guess this means we´re done, but he always leaves cliffhangers, he says he is still advancing... and why should I wait for him to write? What is going on, what is he going to say, do do? Did anything happen? A clean cut would have been better. And he has come back before suddenly "knowing what he wants". He doesn´t even give me a chance to say that I don´t want to continue. This is clearly not conversation between adults.

 

I see a very confused and trubbled man, and I can not know what of the things he says really comes from his heart. Now I know that I can not live with this situation any more, which means that what he says really doesn't matter.

Edited November 29, 2010 by believed

[believed]

It's really hard for these guys that have been in M forever, and even harder if there are the dynamics I dealt with, which yours reminded me of exDM.

That´s why it is good to be here, to see that these things happen..

 

you have a good head on your shoulders girl and have carried yourself well in this thread.

Thanks! I do feel that I have been reflecting as much as I could during these months.

 

your a really cool person BTW:),

Can you see that through text? Thanks!!

 

thanks for listening to my rant:) (I'm in the process of letting go)

 

Good luck withg everything!!!

[believed]

You seem to have made your peace with the situation.

 

In the rational part of my mind... I have found some anger, and that´s a good sign.

 

Its awful that his family will be dissolving and what his wife will face. But it doesnt mean that your "bar" so to speak in terms of the bad benavior you accept from him starts where their pain ends.

Many keep telling me that, but it is my weak point. I will try to keep clear in my mind that I actually lived our truth. I had no way of knowing (still) that things were not how they seamed, so I have to keep remebering what I actually have been living with him from my point of view. I have only been able to act on his words and actions, so I should allow myself to react as well.

 

 

If you dont go NC right now (like tomorrow) then make sure you tell him that if he EVER goes silent on you again like that without warning, not to bother contacting you again. I mean its not like he was stuck in a mine and even the miners got messages out... No excuse

No mines... just priorities I think.

 

You need to set your boundaries. Very very important if you want any kind of happy future with this man.

How I feel now, there is no future from my side.

 

You just need to know what you want for you and if he treats you with less consideration than you deserve make sure he knows it. if you dont put boundaries in place now then it wont matter if he leaves or not because you wont have the sort of relationship you want.

I am actually struggling a bit today. If you see my answer to "sadintexas", you will see the last message from MM. It leaves me totally trapped in the silence. The silence I´m trying to get rith of, which has made be a zombie for months!! I have no way of commenting it, because it seams like he doesn´t check our mail (I asked him 5 days ago to be very clear about what the silence means so that I can make a desicion), or he chooses not to answer. Both ways he is blocking me from communicating. My anxiety and naucea comes back just thinking about what, if and when something will pop up in my inbox. How do I keep my boundaries like this? Sending him a new mail asking him not to write?

 

I think this way he has of using his silence is showing the situation in a nutshell. IF he really was clear about what he wanted which means he will not have a relation, he could very easy have cut it by mail. Instead he puts everything on standby. If there is no future, why is he going to write when he´s better and not giving any signs of what is going on now? Why keeping me hanging in there? It feels like I´m a huge complication in his life that he just needs to move a way for the moment. Not even worth a respectful indication or explication. Or do I interpret everything wrong? I have this sneaking though telling me it might have been something I did or said that makes him react this distant and cold. I´ve really been trapped in this, right...?

 

Well, I´m a bit frustrated today. My head is clear, but my body reacts.

 

Thanks for everything!!

Edited November 29, 2010 by believed