Why does he continue to communicate with me when he doesn't want a relationship?

[smartblonde]

This has happened to me a few times...enough for me to become a little bitter about the whole dating scene.

 

I met a guy on a dating site (POF) and we agreed to meet. After our last date (which went really well), he continued to communicate with me via texts and phone calls. It was two weeks of texting and calling but he made no further attempts to see me. And normally, I would just assume that he's too afraid to say that he's not interesting anymore but the texts were really sweet and endearing (I miss you...blah, blah, blah). I got fed up and asked him if he wanted to get together but he said he was too busy (and we all know an excuse is just a polite rejection).

 

I finally got fed up and told him to "Sh*t or get off the pot"...but in a polite way. He didn't man-up and I ended it.

 

So why bother continuing to communicate with me and show interest but not follow thru?

[mortensorchid]

Some people like to lead others on. They do it to stroke their egos. This guy didn't have many intentions to see you again if all, he just wanted to lead you on. Best to just move on and keep ignoring the texts/calls if he keeps at it.

 

I had someone once tell me he had a good time with me. I decided to text him a few days later (first mistake) since I hadn't heard from him. He said "What, you didn't get my text from earlier?", a text was never sent. He said he had then he asked in his next text "So what did you think of me?", I said "I thought you were right on" (exact words). Never a word from him again. I ended it immediately. (Making up for first mistake)

[zig]

I had the EXACT same thing happen to me not long ago, only I'm a guy and the girl wouldn't see me. I got all the honeys and sweeties ect ect.

 

So why do they do it? If it's a guy it could be several things, like... They don't have the guts to tell you they're not interested. They're unsure if they actually like you or have someone else they're checking out too. Or lastly, they're just plain @ssholes and you need to move on. So why do girls do it?

 

I think it's outright mean to do that to someone and I would never do it.

[9Lives]

I had the EXACT same thing happen to me not long ago, only I'm a guy and the girl wouldn't see me. I got all the honeys and sweeties ect ect.

 

So why do they do it? If it's a guy it could be several things, like... They don't have the guts to tell you they're not interested. They're unsure if they actually like you or have someone else they're checking out too. Or lastly, they're just plain @ssholes and you need to move on. So why do girls do it?

 

I think it's outright mean to do that to someone and I would never do it.

 

Girls do that because they are not as interested or dont really like something about you or they are seeing someone else and cant give you all the attention you want.

 

At the end of the day, YOU KNOW you are not being treated right so dont put up with it. fk her! thats the answer

[smartblonde]

All are reasonable explanations...but all equally stupid.

 

I think this may be indicative of online dating...there are so many options and its easy to start something with someone. You could be communicating/seeing one person, all the while, talking with many others. Why commit to one when there are so many other available options to choose from?

 

I think (and this may be the same for both guys and girls) that these type of people are not 100% into us but they don't want to completely dismiss us in case nothing better comes along. We're their plan B.

Edited November 27, 2010 by smartblonde

[9Lives]

All valid reasons...and all equally stupid.

 

I think this may be indicative of online dating...there are so many options and its easy to start something with someone. You could be communicating/seeing one person, all the while, talking with many others. Why commit to one when there are so many other available options to choose from?

 

I think (and this may be the same for both guys and girls) that these type of people are not 100% into us but they don't want to completely dismiss us in case nothing better comes along. We're their plan B.

 

Well I wouldnt say we are the plan b all the time. It could something else as well. I just know, if you are not calling me and seeing me....that is all I need to know if I really like you. Trying to figure it out is not what I like to do when it comes to matters of the heart. I did that in my last relationship and I found it to be very time consuming, very draining, and very unproductive which has totally turned me off about things like this. Be a alpha man...if YOU DONT like it...regardless of what other say....its not going to work! You have to be selfish and do your own thing

[threebyfate]

Attenshun! Better to get the attention than be invisible. So, don't play. Don't give them the attenshun.

[dispatch3d]

he liked you so he kept talking to you. What was likely happening is you would subtly reject him without realizing it (could be something minor) so he wouldn't get the courage to ask you out to x event, or he asked you to some event and you said I'm busy (wouldn't surprise me if you omitted this happening) and that was the end of it. Either things could be the reason why.

 

Very doubtful it's anything malicious.

[dispatch3d]

I had the EXACT same thing happen to me not long ago, only I'm a guy and the girl wouldn't see me. I got all the honeys and sweeties ect ect.

 

So why do they do it? If it's a guy it could be several things, like... They don't have the guts to tell you they're not interested. They're unsure if they actually like you or have someone else they're checking out too. Or lastly, they're just plain @ssholes and you need to move on. So why do girls do it?

 

I think it's outright mean to do that to someone and I would never do it.

 

most likely scenario is the girl is seeing someone else and you are option number 2, so she's keeping you around while focusing on option #1.

 

lol I'd say in reality the girls are the players not the guys.

[smartblonde]

he liked you so he kept talking to you. What was likely happening is you would subtly reject him without realizing it (could be something minor) so he wouldn't get the courage to ask you out to x event, or he asked you to some event and you said I'm busy (wouldn't surprise me if you omitted this happening) and that was the end of it. Either things could be the reason why.

 

Very doubtful it's anything malicious.

 

 

Nope, he never asked me out again after our last date so I never got the chance to subtly reject him...I was always responsive to his texts and was fully engaged in our conversations...cause I really liked him!!

 

Oh well....onward.

[dispatch3d]

Nope, he never asked me out again after our last date so I never got the chance to subtly reject him...I was always responsive to his texts and was fully engaged in our conversations...cause I really liked him!!

 

Oh well....onward.

 

outright rejection isn't subtle, it's very very plain.

 

I know what "likely" happened because I do this kind of thing all the time . Dating isn't particularly fun - unfortunately - and I think that causes weird things to happen. This is one of them. He may not want to deal with any kind of wishy-washy behaviour from you, but he still likes you so he keeps talking to you. For guys there is very very very little payoff to continue to talk to a girl without liking her. It's not like with girls where we get to have two hour long conversations and somehow that makes us happy (it doesn't, which is why we are baffled by this).

 

Anyhow, that's my guess .

[threebyfate]

most likely scenario is the girl is seeing someone else and you are option number 2, so she's keeping you around while focusing on option #1.

 

lol I'd say in reality the girls are the players not the guys.

You say this to a male poster.

 

outright rejection isn't subtle, it's very very plain.

 

I know what "likely" happened because I do this kind of thing all the time . Dating isn't particularly fun - unfortunately - and I think that causes weird things to happen. This is one of them. He may not want to deal with any kind of wishy-washy behaviour from you, but he still likes you so he keeps talking to you. For guys there is very very very little payoff to continue to talk to a girl without liking her. It's not like with girls where we get to have two hour long conversations and somehow that makes us happy (it doesn't, which is why we are baffled by this).

 

Anyhow, that's my guess .

And then say this to female poster without any evidence at all. If anything, she's given you a direct and assertive response and opening post.

 

Just stop the genderism. Either treat both the same or your advice should always be viewed with a block of salt.

[zig]

he liked you so he kept talking to you. What was likely happening is you would subtly reject him without realizing it (could be something minor) so he wouldn't get the courage to ask you out to x event, or he asked you to some event and you said I'm busy (wouldn't surprise me if you omitted this happening) and that was the end of it. Either things could be the reason why.

 

Very doubtful it's anything malicious.

 

You know, that's actually a really good point you bring up. It could very well be the case here for OP. It's very easy to misinterpret actions and words early on in a relationship. I believe it's happened to me in the past when I think back and I'm sure I've given people the wrong signals when I didn't intend to. I guess that's why talking and good communication is important early on. That may be the problem that I had because we never talked about what are intentions were with each other when the relationship started. My bad.

[smartblonde]

Our intentions were clear when we met on the dating site.....we're both on it to find someone to have a committed relationship with. And I asked him outright at the beginning if this is what he wanted, he said yes.

 

I just hate putting in an honest effort and not getting an honest effort back.

[youngskywalker]

I just hate putting in an honest effort and not getting an honest effort back.

 

I hate that too. I would suggest staying away from internet dating. This kind of outcome is very, very common. I've had it happen to me before because the fact is there are hundreds of other girls he can contact and get a potential date with. Same with you, I'm sure you could get another date tomorrow couldn't you? So it's not likely either of you will put much effort in getting to know each other and working through the struggles.

[Hopeful30]

First of all, some people can't stand being rejected, so when they are they try to make up for it.

 

Second, maybe he just needs a bunch of back up girls for when he is bored.

 

Third, if he was interested, he would show it. Texting and calling is just a lazy way of getting your attention. And if it seems to work, he will keep at it.

[daphne]

Just stop the genderism. Either treat both the same or your advice should always be viewed with a block of salt.

 

I noticed this. Funny how some people will attribute a completely different motivation for the same behavior based on gender.

 

People aren't really that different.

[9Lives]

I noticed this. Funny how some people will attribute a completely different motivation for the same behavior based on gender.

 

People aren't really that different.

 

I totally disagree. For example, you might invite a guy over for dinner and a movie. Just chilling out and enjoying his company. I have heard from many guys that means you want to have sex that night. It dont mean that for all women. It just means I want to be around you cause I like you and enjoy your company. It does mean we are screwing!!! But thats how some men view something so little as dinner at my house.

[daphne]

I totally disagree. For example, you might invite a guy over for dinner and a movie. Just chilling out and enjoying his company. I have heard from many guys that means you want to have sex that night. It dont mean that for all women. It just means I want to be around you cause I like you and enjoy your company. It does mean we are screwing!!! But thats how some men view something so little as dinner at my house.

 

Well, I have to give you that one. But in the case of the original post, I stick by my position.

[9Lives]

Well, I have to give you that one. But in the case of the original post, I stick by my position.

 

Daphne, there are ALOT more. Im finding out alot by talking to my brother and cousin. Guys do not think like women in alot of ways.

[dispatch3d]

Yeah, guys and girls do not think anything alike. Have to treat two of the same actions by two different genders as completely different things.

[daphne]

Yeah, guys and girls do not think anything alike. Have to treat two of the same actions by two different genders as completely different things.

 

Or in your case attribute a negative intention if it's a female, a neutral or positive one if it's male?

[carhill]

Why does he continue to communicate with me when he doesn't want a relationship?

OP, there's really no way to read his mind and analyze his psyche, nor would it be fruitful to do so. You like him and want to go on dates with him; his actions don't seem to match up with that. Health is accepting the real.

 

Next time he texts, merely text back 'Call me'. If he does, and my timeframe for that would be contemporaneously, merely *tell* him how much you enjoyed your date. Listen. If that disclosure does not cause him to ask you out on another date, erase him. Simple.

[dispatch3d]

Or in your case attribute a negative intention if it's a female, a neutral or positive one if it's male?

 

both of the scenarios have been true for me in reality. The times girls have gone wishy-washy or whatever it's because there was another guy in the picture (almost to a tee). The times I've acted like OP has described it's not because of another girl, but because I'm not sure where she stands with me, yet I still like her and want to talk to her.

 

If you browse posts from both guys and girls you'll see the same thing happening. Although with girls they'll often talk about the guy they are interested in and then casually mention the second "option"....

 

girls date more than guys, so yeah kinda how it works. I think this is one of the reasons all the dating guru's advise guys to have many options open at once.