Confessed crush to friend, she freaked out

[gentleguy]

Hi all,

 

I'm a married guy, and for some months have developed a friendship with a female co-worker. It was ok until I found myself getting very emotionally involved to the point of having a crush on her.

 

This worried me terribly. In my marriage I've been 100% loyal - in over a decade, no other woman has had anywhere near this effect on me.

 

For months I struggled against it, but found myself giving in, seeing her several times a week. We have shared many intimate confidences, the friendship has been good, but the feeling has been somewhat disturbing.

 

It's important to note here that I haven't so much as laid a finger on her, let alone kiss her or something more intimate. I have maintained complete (physical) fidelity towards my wife.

 

In the last couple of weeks, I told this woman how I've been feeling. This was a last resort, because I've been unable to get rid of the feelings. I hoped she might be able to help me work through it.

 

To my shock, she got extremely offended, accusing me of betraying her and saying she no longer wanted to have any contact with me, and wanting me to quit my job so she can have me out of her life.

 

I've tried to calm her down, but she's been getting more objectionable - bailing me up on Facebook and dumping threats and accusations at me. Sending me accusing SMS messages to my cellphone. She's now taken to making complaints to my manager at work (who, by the way, supports me).

 

Is her reaction warranted? What should I do here?

[tylo]

I have no clue what you should do. But she is over reacting. She's acting more like how the wife might act if she found out.

[TiredOfItAll2010]

She has every right to react this way. YOU SIR are betraying your wife with an emotional affair - and she is the one who should be the most important person in your life.

 

As of the moment you decided to take action - your wife is now the betrayed spouse.

Edited November 28, 2010 by TiredOfItAll2010

[MorningCoffee]

Hi all,

 

I'm a married guy, and for some months have developed a friendship with a female co-worker. It was ok until I found myself getting very emotionally involved to the point of having a crush on her.

 

This worried me terribly. In my marriage I've been 100% loyal - in over a decade, no other woman has had anywhere near this effect on me.

 

For months I struggled against it, but found myself giving in, seeing her several times a week. We have shared many intimate confidences, the friendship has been good, but the feeling has been somewhat disturbing.

 

It's important to note here that I haven't so much as laid a finger on her, let alone kiss her or something more intimate. I have maintained complete (physical) fidelity towards my wife.

 

In the last couple of weeks, I told this woman how I've been feeling. This was a last resort, because I've been unable to get rid of the feelings. I hoped she might be able to help me work through it.

 

To my shock, she got extremely offended, accusing me of betraying her and saying she no longer wanted to have any contact with me, and wanting me to quit my job so she can have me out of her life.

 

I've tried to calm her down, but she's been getting more objectionable - bailing me up on Facebook and dumping threats and accusations at me. Sending me accusing SMS messages to my cellphone. She's now taken to making complaints to my manager at work (who, by the way, supports me).

 

Is her reaction warranted? What should I do here?

 

Sharing "intimate confidences" sounds like an emotional affair -- at least from your side. On hers, maybe it was more like she was sharing things like she would with a girlfriend.

 

She was surprized that you, a guy, might develop feelings for her? How old is this girl, anyway? How old are you? Seems like it would not be surprizing, but maybe this had not happened to her before. A more mature female co-worker should be able to totally rebuff an inappropriate crush, but she'd at least not be so offended and surprized.

 

She's over-reacting, but somehow you need to reassure her that you did not and do not expect anything from her, you're sorry you upset her, and then steer totally clear of her! Block her on Facebook, and whatever else you need to do to cut off out-of-the-office contact.

 

I mean, sheesh!

[loverofloveandstuff]

How did you expect her to react? My guess is, if her feelings were requited your emotional affair would've turned into a physical one.

 

To me she just sounds like she doesn't want to be a homewrecker.

[whichwayisup]

In the last couple of weeks, I told this woman how I've been feeling. This was a last resort, because I've been unable to get rid of the feelings. I hoped she might be able to help me work through it.

 

How on earth could you hope this woman could help you work through it? Were you hoping that she felt the same way?

 

To my shock, she got extremely offended, accusing me of betraying her and saying she no longer wanted to have any contact with me, and wanting me to quit my job so she can have me out of her life.

 

Why are you shocked? YOU are married, so she wasn't expecting to hear that from you. She probably thought you were a safe bet because you are married and that is why the friendship worked so well! She didn't have to worry about you making a move on her, she trusted you, respects the ring on your finger.

 

It was a mistake to tell her. Ask yourself the real reason why you told her.

I mean, what if she reacted in the opposite way? Jumped into your arms, gave you a big kiss, told you she felt the same way? What then?

 

This actually is the best case senario - Now there won't be an affair.

 

yes, it sucks you lost a friend, but this is why when men and women are friends, you stay away from this type of stuff. Your crush would have gone away on it's own or turned into a really nice caring friendship, one that could have included your wife, too.

[Art_Critic]

Why are you shocked? YOU are married,

 

Indeed...

 

What should you do ?.. leave her alone..

If you don't you will find yourself jobless or reprimanded at work and or without a marriage at home.

[whichwayisup]

Take time to figure out why the crush started, why feelings developed. The answers are inside of you.

 

Focus now on your wife too, it's time to reconnect with her. Bond with her, make HER your crush! When was the last time you passionately kissed your wife and looked her in the eyes, told her how much you love and desire her?

 

Crushes are healthy and good - When kept quiet. They are good for the ego, puts a smile on ones face, makes you feel good.. when kept in perspective.

 

To me, this was more than a crush because it seems you let yourself get too emotionally attached/involved with this friend.

[gentleguy]

To me she just sounds like she doesn't want to be a homewrecker.

 

Several times she invited me to her home for wine and conversation. During these meetings she expressed a strong disdain for marriage, and encouraged me to split with my wife.

[whichwayisup]

Several times she invited me to her home for wine and conversation. During these meetings she expressed a strong disdain for marriage, and encouraged me to split with my wife.

 

Why didn't you mention this in your opening thread? Something is very weird/off here. Either with her or you're not telling the full story here.

[ConstantCraving]

How did you expect her to react?

 

If she wanted to be the "other woman" then she might have responded positively, but if she DIDN'T want an affair, WTF would she be pleased to hear that?

[gentleguy]

She has every right to react this way. YOU SIR are betraying your wife with an emotional affair - and she is the one who should be the most important person in your life.

 

Call me naīve, but my whole concept of fidelity had been completely based on sex - that is, if one is not having physically intimate relations with another, then one is not cheating. I guess I'm having to expand my understanding somewhat.

 

As of the moment you decided to take action - your wife is now the betrayed spouse.

 

What's disturbed me about the whole thing is that I've been with my wife for over 15 years, but have not been impacted to anywhere near this extent by any other. Supermodels could strut naked around me and I wouldn't feel a thing.

 

But the effect this woman has had on me has been nothing short of narcotic. For months, my pulse rate has been elevated 15-20 beats/min, my blood pressure has been similarly elevated, my mind has been constantly distracted. It feels like my free will has been seriously undermined.

 

Luckily I can see it more clearly now. The woman is totally not my type, and there's no way in hell I'd want to be with her. It's worrying me terribly that this woman was able to get under my skin and infect me so thoroughly. It's like I had some kind of allergy to her. Worst thing is that at the start, a quiet inner voice in me said "don't trust her", and I was too dumb to take heed.

 

I've confided this in a male workmate who believes this woman has been gunning for me for months, feels professionally threatened by me, and has been wanting me out of the company.

 

As for my wife - I don't claim any excuse, but she has often been highly abusive towards me (although admitting after each episode that she was blaming me for others in her past). She has issues, but SO DO I! I've told her the essence of what's been happening. She was already half-aware. She's annoyed but very understanding, and is wanting for this woman to quit the company or me to quit. What's kept us together as a couple is our willingness to give up surface accusations and address the deeper underlying causes of issues.

 

Anyway, thanks for 'listening' - I've still got to work out my next move. Stay, and this woman could cause a hell of a lot more trouble. Quit, and I've lost a desperately needed income stream, and (according to my male friend) I'd be letting this woman win.

[carhill]

Great strategy: Titillate the married guy and then blow up his job. Female manipulation at its finest. Excellent

 

If she f*cked with my living I'd clean her clock in court, and my employer's. Straight up. Hope the employer has an ironclad employment contract clause on fraternization and a really good lawyer.

 

OP, this was a well thought out plan. I've been a victim of such plans before. There's a reason why a woman you wouldn't find particularly attractive got 'under your skin' and it has little to do with you. My sympathies.

 

BTW, *none* of the women who've had EA's with me have considered our dalliances 'affairs'. That's really good information. Deny it and it didn't happen.

 

OP, in this economy, I'd strongly advise you to, in addition to cleaning up things with your wife, contact an employment lawyer and become apprised of your options if this goes sideways. Knowledge is power. Care less about who it hurts. Someone gets hurt in these things. Make sure it isn't you.