Trying Times for a new Relationship! What to do?

[midlifecrisis]

Hello All,

 

It has been a little while since I have posted. Here is my latest reason for needing support:

 

I have been seeing someone for about 3 months now. She's absolutely wonderful and we hit it off very quickly. She's been seperated from her ex Husband for over a year and is now finally going through the messy negotiations, etc.

 

The first 2 months were just a whirlwind of love, romance, companionship, etc. Calling each-other multiple times a day, and seeing each-other at least a few times every other week (we both have kids that we don't want to involve just yet --- so we have to spread-out our face-to-face visits).

 

This last month has been really tough on her. The final negotiations with her ex are coming to a head. He is a tough bastard that cheated on her, yet has no remorse and is dragging her over the coals in these final stages. Her reaction to this upset (and to any upset) is to withdraw -- and it is also causing her to have real doubts about relationships in general. At one point, I did not help matters much because I became moody over not seeing her as much as I wanted too and she felt bad about that -- to the point of wondering if she had entered into another relationship too quickly.

 

Just as one other point of interest: She did have another BF that lasted 6 months in between her Ex-Husband (of 15 years) and I. I believe that it ended because they weren't right for each-other, but I also think that the closeness to her original seperation was a factor.

 

Through it all (so far) I have re-assured her that I understand what she is going through, that I love her, and I will be patient and her best-friend through this phase.

 

Here is what I need support for: For the first time in over 2 months, she hasn't responded to my notes or voice-mail for the last day and a half. The notes have been very laid-back... no pushing... .just a few messages saying "I'm here if you need me and if you want to talk to me". Not directly asking her to call or write -- just an assurance that I'm thinking about her and want to support her.

 

This is really causing some major insecurities to well up inside me to the point that I can't concentrate on work, kids, etc. It feels JUST like I'm going through a break-up. Naturally, I don't want any of this to show through to her -- because I'm afraid this will just make the situation worse.

 

The dillema I have is wondering what type of balance there is, and wondering what I should realistically expect from her. Should I continue to send non-pushy reassurance notes? Should I try harder and tell her that I really want to talk to her? Should I go completely quiet? On the last idea, that really tests my insecurities -- should I be afraid that saying/doing nothing means to her that I don't care? How long should I wait for her to respond before I can consider this an unspoken "break-up"? If it gets to that point, is it fair of me to ask for some closure face to face? Help!

[befuddled11]

I'm sharing the following from my own personal experience..both as someone who went through a divorce, and as someone who has dated/been in relationships with guys who were going through the divorce process.....

 

It's NEVER a good idea to get involved with someone who's separated and either not yet divorced, or is going through a divorce. It doesn't matter if their spouse was the biggest jerk in the world and they're happy to be divorcing........it's very complex. They have a lot of emotions to deal with. There's even a grieving process.......they must grieve the loss of their marriage, just as they would grieve the death of a loved one. Obviously their entire marriage wasn't horrid, their spouse WAS someone they at one time loved enough to walk down the aisle with, and build a life together, and in many cases, have children with. They may very well mourn that person their spouse once was. There's lots of memories there.

 

I myself, even though I was in an abusive and cheating-filled marriage, was not ready to seriously consider a relationship (and I'm the one who left and initiated the divorce) for a good 2 yrs. Many parts of me despised my ex husband, and what he'd put me through, and how he didn't meet any of his expectations as a husband (the expectation to love me, respect me, be faithful to me, not abuse me, etc)....but there were mixed feelings there, too.......I deeply missed the man I'd thought he was, the man I'd fallen in love with, etc. My ex was a jerk. I even had him charged with assault and unlawful confinement.....and he was serial cheater........but it still took me time to stop missing parts of him and parts of us. It took me a long time to stop searching for his face in a crowd, or meeting a new guy and automatically comparing them to his looks and positive attributes and personality traits.

 

People need to go through their divorce and spend some time on their own....getting back on their feet again, emotionally, before they embark on another relationship...despite thinking otherwise.

 

You've let your gal know you're there for her, she knows this, so give her time and space and don't keep contacting her. You also have to to think of yourself, too. Do you really want to be with someone who's got all this baggage to deal with, that could take a year or two to finally work through?

[midlifecrisis]

Befuddled,

 

Thanks for your response. I have the same concerns as you mention. The really tough part is that she reached out to me first -- on an on-line dating site. Through our early conversations, I was convinced that she was ready for a relationship -- namely, because she said that the last year of her marriage was loveless, and that she had already had another BF before me.

 

My pain is over the fact that I have fallen in love with her like I have fallen in love with none-other, and I feel to my core that it will be a mistake to let this one go away too easily. Do I really just need to let-go completely and wait? Is it completely unreasonable for me to ask for occasional contact -- just to remain freinds through the process so that we can give a real relationship a chance down the road?

[NatoPMT]

hi midlifecrisis - when a relationship breaks up in my experience, you go through so so many stages and emotions, that some get confused and you can misread your own emotions. she prob thought she was ready for a relationship, and thought at the time that she would be able to continue her life as she was doing. shes already had one relationship, which will have put her recovery from this back. she may as well have still been with her husband up to the point she split from the 6 month dude as in dealing-with-this terms, she hasnt had a chance as yet.

 

the whole starting proceedings thing will have jolted her back to where she should have left off before - when going through divorce, or a long term relationship break up, you keep getting set backs and when they happen, they can take you by surprise. you think you are over a certain stage, and then you get information/news/something that knocks you for six and lo and behold, you feel it all over again.

 

the proximity of her husband is now a lot closer as she has to deal with the divorce proceedings, she'll be reminded of all the pain he caused her every time she talks to her solicitor or gets a letter or has to make a decision.

 

back off, offer your support, i wouldnt break contact with her but if you force the issue, she'll make the only decision she can, which is to end things. your messages to her sound very thoughtful and i know that you are thinking of her all the time and its causing you angst but if shes uncommunicative, its because she doesnt want to speak to you. be a friend, not a boyfriend and when she starts coming out ofthe other side, she might appreciate your support and feel the time is right to try again.

 

good luck

[midlifecrisis]

Thanks BigBelm for your thoughtful response.

 

You are right, I don't want to force the issue, so I'll do what you suggest. I'll send her reminders that I'm there for her if she needs me, but leave it at that. This is *so* hard!

[NatoPMT]

i know sweetie, i know its hard, but you are doing the right thing by backing off. just be cool with her and keep a lid on it - has she been in touch yet?

 

have my fingers tightly crossed for you

[midlifecrisis]

She hasn't replied to my notes or v-mails yet. I left one of each yesterday and today. I purposefully left the v-mails on her cell phone which is turned off at night so that I would not catch her awkwardly.

 

I just want to know if she's doing Ok. I am very troubled that she could be hurting over something so bad that she can't even contact me. This feels absolutely horrible. My mind is already spinning ahead and thinking of this as a break-up -- even though it has only been 2 days now. But given the fact that we've been talking every day for nearly 2 months -- 2 days feels like a lifetime....

[midlifecrisis]

Ok -- finally got a note from her. Brief excerpt:

 

"All is OK. I've put myself on long-term restriction due to a POOR attitude. I've had a diffficult couple of days... as you know-- just need some space. It's a lot to process for me right now (maybe for the rest of my life... I don't know.)"

 

The note continued on with a question about something that I've been doing, as well as a short update about her kids -- you know, just light stuff. She ended it with "Thanks for checking on me, XO (name)"

 

 

So..... I guess the game plan sticks for now..... Should I tone down the fequency of my notes? I can't tell if they bother her at all -- I don't get "heavy" in them or anything -- except in one note I did say how wonderful she is, etc..... I was thinking of sticking with a simple one-a-day "hope you are doing Ok" kind of note. What do you think?

[brashgal]

Maybe instead of sending her voicemail and email telling her that you are thinking of her etc, send something a little less personal but still uplifting - jokes you run across, interesting news items or fun websites. I think if I was getting supportive email/voicemail each day that I would feel a bit of guilt - not saying you should stop those altogether but mix it up a little. It might take the pressure off.

 

Just my 2 cents. Hang in there, it will work out for the best.

[midlifecrisis]

Thanks for the suggestion BrashGal -- I think that's the way to go.

 

I have a feeling that it is going to take a long time for her to get through this.... after the proceedings comes the need for her to move out of a home she loves and into a new place.... so many new things for her to face. I hope it isn't YEARS like was suggested earlier in this thread, but I'm betting its at least months....

 

I've gotten a taste of what a deep relationship with her will be like, and I want to give that every chance of that happening. So I like the mix -- levity so that I can support her without making her feel guilty, then every once in a while, something deeper to let her know that I want to be the one when she's ready.

 

The waiting is really hard, but I think thats more my own issue. It is interesting.... am I comfortable not being in a serious relationship? Now that's a topic for a whole other thread!