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he has yet to confirm our date TODAY

northern_sky

By northern_sky,
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Star Gazer

Star Gazer

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If you don't want to help, that's fine, and maybe it's for the best given our tendency to butt heads. I get plenty of helpful advice already.

 

Ha. Okay, great. :)

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harmfulsweetz

harmfulsweetz

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Here's an analysis of what went wrong in my brain. I remember the day after the party, when he contacted me to go on a date, I felt almost like a miracle had befallen me, crazy as that sounds. It was partly a reversal of expectations.

 

When I first met him, I was sure he was indifferent to me. Yet that night we connected, he told me he really liked me and had been attracted to me from the first time he saw me, told me all the things he liked about me in surprising detail, even complimented my drawing, etc. So it was like this sudden rush, that I didn't want to let go of. It was also a strong contrast to the dud before who hadn't been at all passionate.

 

Also, he's the first guy I've really admired who has been at all interested in me. All of a sudden I had a huge amount of hope attached to the encounter.

 

When he left things in the air "let's see where this goes" after our second date, I didn't feel discouraged, even though I should have. Again, it was a reversal of expectations. His profile stated that he was only looking for something casual, so I thought gee maybe he really likes me if he's willing to consider forgoing that rule.

 

I think it would have been a lot easier for me to detach if I hadn't put him on a pedestal from day one and convinced myself I might be on the verge of winning the jackpot. I saw him as too special, too important. I wasn't willing to not give it a chance, since it seemed like I had nothing to lose (which in retrospect, I did). There was that nagging voice in my head that was like, will you be able to live with yourself if you DON'T give this a chance?

 

I hated 500 days of Summer, but it's a useful reference when it comes to relationships. I feel like I'm the guy and he's the girl in the movie.

 

I still haven't figured out how to NOT put certain guys on pedestals, and I think this may be my biggest problem. I feel that another guy I really like will ever show interest in me again, so I'm desperate to make it work.

 

Rereading what I wrote above, the high/low expectations is another problem I just identified. I tend to assume the worst case scenario in order to shield myself from disappointment. The problem with this is if I'm at all wrong, the jump from my expectations to the reality is so huge that I get overly excited. I go from thinking he hates me/is indifferent to me to he actually likes me at least a moderate amount. If I went in with more balanced expectations or no expectations at all I wouldn't get that rush of reality that clouded my judgment. Instead I'd be like, OK, he likes me, but is he willing to commit? Not sure if that makes sense.

 

It's good that you recognize the pattern of expectation vs reality. I think that could be the issue here. You put him up so high, built up an idea of him that fit with your needs but this wasn't consistent with who he actually was. I think you could benefit from taking men you like down a peg or two, listening and seeing who they really are before getting too involved in an idea. I do the same thing, I have two different versions of guys I like/date-my own, idealized version and the real version. They almost always conflict. :laugh:

 

I think you have to make sure the two fit, before becoming emotionally attached to the idea. You know? With J, it seemed like he told you and showed what he was prepared to give and this didn't ideally match up to your needs and what you were prepared to give. So while he was investing very little in this, and I don't doubt that he probably did like you, but not enough to commit or just wasn't in that place to commit, you were investing an awful lot more. When there's an imbalance, there's always a fall. And sadly, the person bearing the biggest load (no pun at all intended) always has to take that fall. :(

 

It is important to understand what signs you overlooked, etc, and to understand how to do better next time. People have said it all before but here goes: Listen to what a guy really says and actually see what he is showing you about himself. Particularly the latter, if there's no correlation, then you know to ditch. It does seem like he was fairly upfront, but all the same, he knew you were looking for more and shouldn't have allowed it to continue as far as it did. He is just as responsible as you in this. But I don't think of him as evil, he's a selfish jerk who took advantage of a situation but you also chose him, and allowed him to do so. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you learn from it.

 

:bunny: Good luck for next time, and good job deleting the email! Not worth a minute more of your time. :)

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northern_sky

northern_sky

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northern_sky, his last email. Is it still sitting in your trash or did you double delete it?

 

Honestly, it's in my trash, but I will delete it now. Good catch.

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dispatch3d

dispatch3d

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Posted

not a fan of this thread. If you aren't interested in a guy just leave the dude alone. No need to twist arms, even if you feel wronged. I don't get all the love for needless drama. Just don't contact him.

 

Then 5 pages of bickering (I skimmed because I didn't care lol). Anyways, that's my take.

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threebyfate

threebyfate

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Sky, the reason I don't want you to throw it out is because of the differing views expressed in this thread.

 

Some suggestions were that you should be honest and open with him. Others suggest that you shouldn't reply.

 

So, for those who suggest honesty and openness, the golden opportunity is still available, even if Sky has deleted the email where he's purportedly confused and apologetic.

 

What's the concensus? Should she forget about responding in an honest and open fashion or should she do so, so she expresses her needs to this guy?

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xpaperxcutx

xpaperxcutx

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What is the point of backsliding now? If she doesn't care about his feelings what does it matter if she replies to him or not. Let it go.

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Star Gazer

Star Gazer

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The time for being honest and open passed a long time ago, when she had the opportunity to set boundaries and expectations. Responding now would serve no healthy purpose.

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xpaperxcutx

xpaperxcutx

Posted
Posted
Answer the question.

 

TBF, I love you as a valued member of LS, but how is a list even productive? I hope Sky walks away and never look back if she thinks it's beneficial for her.

 

There's no point in arguing anymore.

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harmfulsweetz

harmfulsweetz

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Ignore.

 

If she really doesn't want to have anything to do with this guy, there's no sense in sending an email/reopening contact. That's throwing good money away with bad, in my opinion.

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threebyfate

threebyfate

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TBF, I love you as a valued member of LS, but how is a list even productive? I hope Sky walks away and never look back if she thinks it's beneficial for her.

 

There's no point in arguing anymore.

It's an opportunity for people to express their advice. In consolidating it, it's like an Executive summary for Sky. This is her life and her decision to make.
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LexiB

LexiB

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Posted
not a fan of this thread. If you aren't interested in a guy just leave the dude alone. No need to twist arms, even if you feel wronged. I don't get all the love for needless drama. Just don't contact him.

 

Then 5 pages of bickering (I skimmed because I didn't care lol). Anyways, that's my take.

 

Seriously. At this point it's really just beating a dead horse. All this attention devoted to a minor issue with some guy who OP was never even in a relationship with seems a bit counter productive. If the goal is to help OP learn how to move on from men who are no good for her, dragging this out only encourages her continue to think about this loser.

 

Sky, glad you deleted the email. I think you can move on with your life now! :p

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Ariadne

Ariadne

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Posted

NS,

 

Just go out with this guy as much as you can before he leaves.

 

What is the point of cutting this guy loose just a few weeks before he moves?

 

Then you'll to be upset that he is gone or will be leaving next Friday.

 

After he leaves then you'll have time to forget, write emails, visit, etc.

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Els

Els

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Posted
Oh, bull. You're a Type A personality who likes to control and you found a star in Shadow because she treats everything you say like it comes from your lips to God's ears

 

You started off as seeming to give advice, albeit bad advice, but this stupid list making is screaming For my own amusement.

 

I'm sorry, TBF, I think you give good advice sometimes, but I'm going to have to agree with Lisa here. Except I would change the bolded text to 'Just to prove I'm right, at anyone's expense'.

 

Stop beating the thrice-dead horse already.

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Els

Els

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Ignore his email:

  • xpaper
  • Stargazer
  • harmfulsweetz
  • threebyfate
  • LexiB

Be honest and open:

 

 

Continue going out with him:

  • Ariadne

Stop this right now, TBF

  • Lisalee
  • denisexoxo
  • papercut
  • Elswyth
  • LexiB

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Mme. Chaucer

Mme. Chaucer

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Posted
Ignore his email:

  • xpaper
  • Stargazer
  • harmfulsweetz
  • threebyfate
  • LexiB

Be honest and open:

 

 

Continue going out with him:

  • Ariadne

Stop this right now, TBF

 

  • Lisalee
  • denisexoxo
  • papercut
  • Elswyth
  • LexiB
  • Mme. Chaucer

 

It's an opportunity for people to express their advice. In consolidating it, it's like an Executive summary for Sky. This is her life and her decision to make.

 

Lest we forget, this whole site exists to provide an opportunity for people to express their advice. Do we need special dispensation from a specific member now?

 

TBF, you are not making a very good case for your methods of "helping" people if this is an example. It appears to be a bad combination of wound - prodding, enabling, and treating an adult woman like a little child. Though she might be basking in the extra attention, I can't see how it could be good for anyone.

 

It is her life, and she evidently already made her decision. Do you not respect it? Is it just too much fun to play games?

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