he has yet to confirm our date TODAY

[Star Gazer]

No!

 

WTF...

 

Yikes! It was just a question. A sincere one.

[northern_sky]

Yikes! It was just a question. A sincere one.

 

Lol, OK. I guess I just feel like I shouldn't have to explain an absence from this forum. It's not like I live on here.

[BobSacamento]

I'm going to ignore his email.

 

I think TBF's point is that it's beating a dead horse to nitpick how I ended things after the fact. What's important is that I ended things.

 

And I honestly see no problem with how I ended it. Nor has anyone given me a convincing argument for why it was wrong. It helped me detach, where I would have felt vulnerable had I put my feelings out there again. Had I sent him no response, knowing myself I would have felt like it was unsettled and I could always re-engage. My only regret is that I didn't ended it way sooner.

 

Interesting that you say "I ended it". I feel like that was your motive all along, to obtain that perception.

[threebyfate]

I'm going to ignore his email.

 

I think TBF's point is that it's beating a dead horse to nitpick how I ended things after the fact. What's important is that I ended things.

 

And I honestly see no problem with how I ended it. Nor has anyone given me a convincing argument for why it was wrong. It helped me detach, where I would have felt vulnerable had I put my feelings out there again. Had I sent him no response, knowing myself I would have felt like it was unsettled and I could always re-engage. My only regret is that I didn't ended it way sooner.

Your call to do whatever you want to do. But I will admit that I'm glad you chose to ignore his email while still holding all the cards.

[northern_sky]

Guys, tell me it wasn't a mistake to end things. Whenever I make a choice like this, my obsessive second guessing goes into high gear. I want, I NEED to stick to this.

 

What if I had continued to see him until he moved and he got more attached and then decided he wanted a relationship with me either now or later on?

 

What if he's the love of my life and I threw any potential away? !!!

 

What if I had just continued to see him and had fun before he left, keeping loneliness at bay?

 

What if, what if, what if....?

 

I'm seriously having these thoughts and I need you guys to set me straight and cut through the magical thinking.

[Star Gazer]

Anything is possible, but when taking action for the betterment of your well being, it's better to rely on things you KNOW rather than things you don't (mere possibilities).

[Jannah]

What if....The moon was actually made out of cheese?

 

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't know... you'll come on here and start a new thread telling us how much you hate him yet still want him?

[Kamille]

Guys, tell me it wasn't a mistake to end things. Whenever I make a choice like this, my obsessive second guessing goes into high gear. I want, I NEED to stick to this.

 

You will. You have the upper hand remember? You ended things with your head held high, didn't put up with bull****.

 

Stop the what ifs and congratulate yourself on sticking up for yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

What if I had just continued to see him and had fun before he left, keeping loneliness at bay?

 

Now you're healing from this which means that you're that much closer to meeting the real love of your life, not so unsatisfactory substitute.

[northern_sky]

I know some of you guys will disagree with my choice here, but we exchanged a couple of emails last night and have agreed to remain purely friends, but from my perspective in name only.

 

I made it very clear to him that any romantic and sexual thing we had is totally over unless he is one day ready for an actual relationship, we are both single, and the timing is right -- I didn't leave any wiggle room, and he is fine with that.

 

That doesn't mean I'm going to actually be his friend any time soon. I need space to get over him, and I could only envision myself as his friend one day when I no longer want him or I'm in another relationship.

 

That said, I'm not ashamed to admit my motive behind the gesture was purely strategic -- he could make a useful professional connection when I move to the city. I tend to be a brutal opportunist, which I think is fine as long as I'm not hurting anyone. His feelings for me are nil, and he'd be the first to understand and relate to my drive.

 

He and his friend, the business manager of a hot, young ad agency, are setting up a new company and I may want to hop on board at some point if it gains traction. This is a big IF, but I might as well leave one egg in that basket. He's talented, smart and we tend to see eye to eye on creative things, so who knows -- he could prove a good collaborator.

 

I have to say I feel a lot more at peace now, because I'm tired of burning through people and leaving behind a trail of bad memories. I am glad we quit before things turned sour. Our exchange ended on a positive note. I have no regrets.

 

Btw, I have been feeling A LOT more confident in every respect of my life since I ended this.

Edited December 4, 2010 by northern_sky

[BobSacamento]

Did he e-mail you first?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hi! It's me, the old meanie who keeps trying to hold you accountable for and honest with / about yourself, your actions, and what you post here on LS.

 

Why? Because I don't believe that "cosigning b.s." is good for ANYONE, and especially not for someone whose personal life is in the condition that you describe your own as being.

 

He has wandered through a bunch of different interests in looking for a career. He says that he tends to get really into something for awhile and then quickly burn out and move on to something else.

 

Does not sound like he is a worthwhile contact for your future career, if that post about him reflects truth rather than emotionally fueled denigration.

 

For the record, I don't disagree or agree about your choice to contact him again, though I would have been profoundly and happily (for YOU) surprised if you hadn't.

 

What I do have a position on, though, is your propensity to create dozens (if not hundreds) of "situations," present them here for "help" ... and then get nasty if the "help" does not come in the form that you request.

 

Seems like all you want here on LS is attention, attention, and more attention.

 

Personally, I choose to take this OP at face value. You are going to keep open doors of communication with J for your career goals (even though he is a flakey loser career-wise, according to you ... challenging to take this at face value and as honest, but I will anyway) and there will be zero emotional wallowing at all, ever, here on LS regarding this person.

[Sarah1977]

 

What I do have a position on, though, is your propensity to create dozens (if not hundreds) of "situations," present them here for "help" ... and then get nasty if the "help" does not come in the form that you request.

 

Seems like all you want here on LS is attention, attention, and more attention.

 

For the record, I don't think you're a meanie. I think you make incredibly valid points!

[BobSacamento]

Hi! It's me, the old meanie who keeps trying to hold you accountable for and honest with / about yourself, your actions, and what you post here on LS.

 

Why? Because I don't believe that "cosigning b.s." is good for ANYONE, and especially not for someone whose personal life is in the condition that you describe your own as being.

 

 

 

Does not sound like he is a worthwhile contact for your future career, if that post about him reflects truth rather than emotionally fueled denigration.

 

For the record, I don't disagree or agree about your choice to contact him again, though I would have been profoundly and happily (for YOU) surprised if you hadn't.

 

What I do have a position on, though, is your propensity to create dozens (if not hundreds) of "situations," present them here for "help" ... and then get nasty if the "help" does not come in the form that you request.

 

Seems like all you want here on LS is attention, attention, and more attention.

 

Personally, I choose to take this OP at face value. You are going to keep open doors of communication with J for your career goals (even though he is a flakey loser career-wise, according to you ... challenging to take this at face value and as honest, but I will anyway) and there will be zero emotional wallowing at all, ever, here on LS regarding this person.

 

Personally I don't think it's attention she wants. However, I do agree she does not want advice. What she wants is reinforcement of her actions. It's the dangers of pride.

[northern_sky]

You may want to hop on board? Shadow, you say it as if you will be doing him a favor. He may not want you on board! And that is very likely considering he didn't seem to invest much into your friendship. Then it will be all for naught to keep in contact, wouldn't it? Well, good luck with that.

 

Why is that likely? He respects my opinion and intelligence a lot, and has said so many times. Just because he doesn't want a relationship with me doesn't mean he wouldn't value what I could bring to the table professionally.

[xpaperxcutx]

Why do you keep backsliding into contacting him into being friend? I remember you told him you wanted to be friends with him a while back... and now you're at it again.

 

 

 

What is the whole point of this?

Okay, career move.... But you're working on your thesis right now.... any chance you're going to give up fantasizing about J enough to work on your future first?

[xpaperxcutx]

Why is that likely? He respects my opinion and intelligence a lot, and has said so many times. Just because he doesn't want a relationship with me doesn't mean he wouldn't value what I could bring to the table professionally.

 

But you don't value or respect him. Remember the Aspergers thread? You had more words to say he was an emotional decrepit than you had words to say he was deserving of admiration.

[northern_sky]

Hi! It's me, the old meanie who keeps trying to hold you accountable for and honest with / about yourself, your actions, and what you post here on LS.

 

Why? Because I don't believe that "cosigning b.s." is good for ANYONE, and especially not for someone whose personal life is in the condition that you describe your own as being.

 

 

 

Does not sound like he is a worthwhile contact for your future career, if that post about him reflects truth rather than emotionally fueled denigration.

 

For the record, I don't disagree or agree about your choice to contact him again, though I would have been profoundly and happily (for YOU) surprised if you hadn't.

 

What I do have a position on, though, is your propensity to create dozens (if not hundreds) of "situations," present them here for "help" ... and then get nasty if the "help" does not come in the form that you request.

 

Seems like all you want here on LS is attention, attention, and more attention.

 

Personally, I choose to take this OP at face value. You are going to keep open doors of communication with J for your career goals (even though he is a flakey loser career-wise, according to you ... challenging to take this at face value and as honest, but I will anyway) and there will be zero emotional wallowing at all, ever, here on LS regarding this person.

 

I expected this sort of response from you. But there's no winning. If I hadn't spoken to him again, you would have continued to say that I would repeat the pattern with another guy (as you did earlier in this thread).

 

Nothing you say has convinced me it was unwise to stay on good terms with him in order to keep him as a possible professional connection. I have very few connections, so I think this was a wise move. I cut off the FWB thing we had, and the friendship in everything but name until I get over him. That means I won't be seeing him, or hanging out, or talking, or anything for a long time. That's the important point.

 

And no, I didn't contact him. He sent me a fb message and asked if I wanted to remain friends, and I told him that was fine but I couldn't hang out again before he left because I needed some space to move forward.

 

In terms of his career behavior, he tends to be successful at whatever he does. He just changes direction often. I could definitely see his company taking off, and even if it doesn't, he knows a lot of people.

 

I have no regrets and feel proud of myself for how I ended things. This is the first time I've been strong enough to end things in a mature fashion with somebody before they turned really sour.

[northern_sky]

Shadow, there are thousands more like you,especially in NYC, who are "cultured", intelligent, young, and fresh, who offer a lot to bring to the table. I could be wrong, but it seems to me if he is moving to a new city to start a new life and a new career it is more than likely he will look at new friends and faces before the old ones... especially if he was not all that close with you to begin with.

 

I just believe it may be a long shot especially since in the past you have described him as being wishy washy in regards to a career.

 

Well, thanks for implying I don't stand out. Have you considered that I might have something unique to offer? I think that I do. I have a lot of faith in my talent and abilities, even in a competitive crowd...I think I bring something unusual to the table. And he seems to appreciate that about me based on everything he's said.

[northern_sky]

Why do you keep backsliding into contacting him into being friend? I remember you told him you wanted to be friends with him a while back... and now you're at it again.

 

 

 

What is the whole point of this?

Okay, career move.... But you're working on your thesis right now.... any chance you're going to give up fantasizing about J enough to work on your future first?

 

Yeah, I've been spending 10 hours a day working on it. I've really gotten my ass into gear, especially since I cut him off. Believe me, I'm no longer losing sleep over this or fantasizing about him.

 

Before when I agreed to be friends with him I meant right at that moment. That I wanted to continue to hang out with him. I explicitly told him that I don't want to hang out anymore, at least for a long time. I just want to stay on good terms.

[northern_sky]

I love how this place loves to crush people's confidence.

 

I was feeling good and wrote a positive post, so people had to pick at it.

 

Well, my confidence won't be so easily stomped on.

 

Like I said, I have no regrets about how I ended things. My only regret, and it's a major one, is that I didn't end it sooner.

[northern_sky]

But you don't value or respect him. Remember the Aspergers thread? You had more words to say he was an emotional decrepit than you had words to say he was deserving of admiration.

 

It's not so cut and dry. I value his intelligence and insights. I don't value his emotional weakness and selfishness. It's not like you have to fully embrace or shun every person in your life. Some people are simply good as acquaintances and connections.

[BobSacamento]

I love how this place loves to crush people's confidence.

 

I was feeling good and wrote a positive post, so people had to pick at it.

 

Well, my confidence won't be so easily stomped on.

 

Like I said, I have no regrets about how I ended things. My only regret, and it's a major one, is that I didn't end it sooner.

 

Networking is important. Just be careful because this guy seems a bit careless.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, thanks for implying I don't stand out. Have you considered that I might have something unique to offer? I think that I do. I have a lot of faith in my talent and abilities, even in a competitive crowd...I think I bring something unusual to the table. And he seems to appreciate that about me based on everything he's said.

 

 

Lisa's not questiong your talents or your abilities. She's telling you to be realistic. I live NYC, and I'm more than aware of the competitive nature of the working environment here. If J is willing to give you a position later on, take his words at face value for now, but still keep level headed instead of living on hope.

 

Chances are there will always be someone more qualified and more experienced.

[northern_sky]

You never fail to take a comment and turn it around to the negative extreme. But since you went down that road, yes in cities like NYC and L.A. there are thousands like you who have something unique to offer. You are a dime a dozen. And you are competing with them.

 

Thank you, Paper, that is exactly what I was saying.

 

That's pretty insulting given that you have no clue whether I could stand out. Thanks for implying I can't succeed.

 

You don't know the extent of my talents or abilities so you're in no position to judge whether I'm a dime a dozen.