Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 Lisa's not questiong your talents or your abilities. She's telling you to be realistic. I live NYC, and I'm more than aware of the competitive nature of the working environment here. If J is willing to give you a position later on, take his words at face value for now, but still keep level headed instead of living on hope. Chances are there will always be someone more qualified and more experienced. Right, but connections are also important and I know plenty of people who get jobs through friends who aren't the absolute most qualified. I believe that he values me, so it's worth a shot. As I said, putting one egg in a basket. I'm not relying on it or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 That's pretty insulting given that you have no clue whether I could stand out. Thanks for implying I can't succeed. You don't know the extent of my talents or abilities so you're in no position to judge whether I'm a dime a dozen. Lisa has not questioned your ability to succeed. All she has done is point out that there is a lot of competition out there from equally talented individuals who have much to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 seriously, saying I'm a dime a dozen and basically discouraging me from trying to make a professional connection because they'll just find somebody else. After I wrote a post because I was feeling good. This place never fails to amaze me with its nastiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 Lisa has not questioned your ability to succeed. All she has done is point out that there is a lot of competition out there from equally talented individuals who have much to offer. Right but connections are crucial in my field, and people tend to give jobs to their friends. As I said, I'm not banking on anything happening through this connection. How the hell do I know. I just think it's worht keeping. Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 Lisa has not questioned your ability to succeed. All she has done is point out that there is a lot of competition out there from equally talented individuals who have much to offer. Kind of a cynical way of looking at it if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 Kind of a cynical way of looking at it if you ask me. I call it being realistic - Shadow may well be extremely talented but there will be others out there as talented - or more so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 I call it being realistic - Shadow may well be extremely talented but there will be others out there as talented - or more so. And so what? A potential connection, unless they are a hot shot and even sometimes if they are, isn't choosing from every single person in the city. They will usually give jobs to people they know. By your logic there's no use in me trying to make any connections because people will always give jobs to other people. That's nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 I love how this place loves to crush people's confidence. I was feeling good and wrote a positive post, so people had to pick at it. Well, my confidence won't be so easily stomped on. Like I said, I have no regrets about how I ended things. My only regret, and it's a major one, is that I didn't end it sooner. No one is trying to crush your confidence. Quite the contrary-they are trying to help you see where you could be making mistakes. If you're not prepared to accept advice and only accept the advice offered that cosigns your B.S then what's the point? I think at that point you may as well only PM those that you know will cosign for sure. It's a waste of time anyone posting to you if you don't actually attempt to listen. I worry that you won't see him simply as an acquaintaince, but that's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 I'm not discouraging you to take a professional connection! In fact, I believe it is good to keep one foot in with him. I disagree with the way you are going about it. You say you want to keep him in your pocket for professional reasons yet you also said: What makes you think he will do any favors for you when you have done nothing to nurture a relationship with him? He will know that you are manipulating him for your own gains, unless he's a complete dunce. And like you said They give it to their friends. And you are Just a friend in name. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not being nasty, just realistic. Specifically what I told him was that I don't want to hang out in the near future but when I move to NY (after a sufficient amount of time has passed for me to get over him), I'd be happy to catch up. So basically I left the door open for a future friendship/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 No one is trying to crush your confidence. Quite the contrary-they are trying to help you see where you could be making mistakes. If you're not prepared to accept advice and only accept the advice offered that cosigns your B.S then what's the point? I think at that point you may as well only PM those that you know will cosign for sure. It's a waste of time anyone posting to you if you don't actually attempt to listen. I worry that you won't see him simply as an acquaintaince, but that's life. Most of the advice I've been given on this guy has been GOOD and I've agreed with it. I happen to disagree with one point, about whether I should stay on good terms with him as a professional connection. That doesn't mean I'll "only accept advice that cosigns my BS." Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 And so what? A potential connection, unless they are a hot shot and even sometimes if they are, isn't choosing from every single person in the city. They will usually give jobs to people they know. Of course networking is important - I never said it wasn't By your logic there's no use in me trying to make any connections because people will always give jobs to other people. That's nonsense. Your logic is completely off the mark here. Again I never said making connections was not important. All I said was that there is a lot of competition out there. You interpreted a comment by another poster as saying you are bound to fail which was not what was said at all and now you are taking my post the same way. You need to stop being so defensive and seeing criticism that is just not there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 Of course networking is important - I never said it wasn't Your logic is completely off the mark here. Again I never said making connections was not important. All I said was that there is a lot of competition out there. You interpreted a comment by another poster as saying you are bound to fail which was not what was said at all and now you are taking my post the same way. You need to stop being so defensive and seeing criticism that is just not there. I think you're totally missing the point, but I'm not going to waste time debating it...especially since it's taking the thread way off topic. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 I think you're totally missing the point, but I'm not going to waste time debating it...especially since it's taking the thread way off topic. It's not me who is missing the point I can assure you Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 I call it being realistic - Shadow may well be extremely talented but there will be others out there as talented - or more so. No it is a pessimistic attitude. Stating the obvious that "There is a lot of competition in NYC" only discourages a person. It's cynical. What Sky has done here is actually a step ahead of you all. She has said that cynical way of looking at it is unproductive. So Networking is a proper strategy. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 Most of the advice I've been given on this guy has been GOOD and I've agreed with it. I happen to disagree with one point, about whether I should stay on good terms with him as a professional connection. That doesn't mean I'll "only accept advice that cosigns my BS." Is that so? I've read all of this thread and a lot of posts were made in disagreement with what you were doing, and pointing out things which may help you in the future, you either ignored those posts or turned it around as though they were being nasty in some way to you. You only responded favorably to those who agreed with you, or didn't tell it like it is. I do agree though, keeping connections in specific fields is vital, but no one is saying that you can't succeed, but it's kind of like there are competitive markets out there, with people who are equally intelligent and talented, I guess is what they are getting at. That's not saying you can't succeed, just that it's going to be competitive. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 I think you're lying to yourself that you want to keep him as a "professional connection." I think what you're hoping is that if you don't hang out with him for awhile, he'll start to miss you and change his mind about a long term relationship with you. Simply put, it was over, you panicked when he didn't freak out and tell you he's loved you all along and please don't leave and you should be together forever and blah, blah, blah, so you decided to open the door a crack...hoping he'll fall in love in the future. He's not going to, of course. Am I the only one who sees that? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 No it is a pessimistic attitude. Stating the obvious that "There is a lot of competition in NYC" only discourages a person. It's cynical. What Sky has done here is actually a step ahead of you all. She has said that cynical way of looking at it is unproductive. So Networking is a proper strategy. As I have already posted...... Of course networking is important - I never said it wasn't Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 I do agree though, keeping connections in specific fields is vital, but no one is saying that you can't succeed, but it's kind of like there are competitive markets out there, with people who are equally intelligent and talented, I guess is what they are getting at. That's not saying you can't succeed, just that it's going to be competitive. No duh. I want to point out that I know plenty of people irl who aren't any more able than I am (some less so) but have gone very far purely through connections. The importance of networking can't be understated. I guess I don't understand the logic behind this whole tangent. On the one hand people are like NY is competitive, you're not going to stand out a professional connection isn't going to help you. Then when I challenge them on those assumptions, they're like "I'm not discouraging you from networking." So what the heck are people getting at? Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 It is cynical but realistic. If she wasn't realistic she wouldn't even consider Networking as a strategy. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 If she wasn't realistic she wouldn't even consider Networking as a strategy. And you know that she literally broke up and made up with the same guy in less than a week... Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 I think you're lying to yourself that you want to keep him as a "professional connection." I think what you're hoping is that if you don't hang out with him for awhile, he'll start to miss you and change his mind about a long term relationship with you. Simply put, it was over, you panicked when he didn't freak out and tell you he's loved you all along and please don't leave and you should be together forever and blah, blah, blah, so you decided to open the door a crack...hoping he'll fall in love in the future. He's not going to, of course. Am I the only one who sees that? Nah, if I was still focused on "nabbing" him, my best bet would have been to continue to see him and hope he'd get attached, as he said he was getting increasingly more so with time. In fact, I was fully aware of having those thoughts.- But I realized I had to end things FOR ME rather than banking on a bad investment. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) Nah, if I was still focused on "nabbing" him, my best bet would have been to continue to see him and hope he'd get attached, as he said he was getting increasingly more so with time. Yep, exactly. And now that door is open a crack. So two months from now when he's bored and horny, he'll think "Hey I'm still friends with NS, I should give her a call and hope she's willing to put out again!" And you'll go, because you're still "friends" (And you convinced yourself that you've spent enough time away from him that you have regained the upper hand, maybe you'll take the phone call as a true sign that he 'misses seeing you') and always, always, in the back of your head, you're hoping he will fall for you. But he won't. The way it was before, he would have never called when he's bored and horny because you closed the door firmly. He probably would have forgotten all about you. But...you couldn't take that. Ultimately, you want him to call. You want this to continue. You want to someday 'nab' him. I highly highly doubt you give 2 poops about 'professional connections.' If you were over him romantically like you claimed, you wouldn't be sending him emails and stalking his facebook page. (Which you admitted too doing) Edited December 4, 2010 by Sarah1977 Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 Yep, exactly. And now that door is open a crack. So two months from now when he's bored and horny, he'll think "Hey I'm still friends with NS, I should give her a call and hope she's willing to put out again!" And you'll go, because you're still "friends" (And you convinced yourself that you've spent enough time away from him that you have regained the upper hand, maybe you'll take the phone call as a true sign that he 'misses seeing you') and always, always, in the back of your head, you're hoping he will fall for you. But he won't. The way it was before, he would have never called when he's bored and horny because you closed the door firmly. He probably would have forgotten all about you. But...you couldn't take that. Ultimately, you want him to call. You want this to continue. You want to someday 'nab' him. I highly highly doubt you give 2 poops about 'professional connections.' If you were over him romantically like you claimed, you wouldn't be sending him emails and stalking his facebook page. (Which you admitted too doing) So if he reaches out, she should completely ignore him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author northern_sky Posted December 4, 2010 Author Share Posted December 4, 2010 (edited) Yep, exactly. And now that door is open a crack. So two months from now when he's bored and horny, he'll think "Hey I'm still friends with NS, I should give her a call and hope she's willing to put out again!" And you'll go, because you're still "friends" (And you convinced yourself that you've spent enough time away from him that you have regained the upper hand, maybe you'll take the phone call as a true sign that he 'misses seeing you') and always, always, in the back of your head, you're hoping he will fall for you. But he won't. The way it was before, he would have never called when he's bored and horny because you closed the door firmly. But...you couldn't take that. Ultimately, you want him to call. You want this to continue. You want to someday 'nab' him. I highly highly doubt you give 2 poops about 'professional connections.' If you were over him romantically like you claimed, you wouldn't be sending him emails and stalking his facebook page. (Which you admitted too doing) You haven't been reading my threads very carefully. I stalked his fb page BEFORE I ended things. I haven't been back since. After I sent him that email, closing the door, he sent me two messages. I deleted the first because it read like BS. In the second he extended an olive branch and asked if we could be friends. I said OK, but made my boundaries clear. You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't care what you think. Especially when you're claiming to read my mind. Edited December 4, 2010 by northern_sky Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah1977 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 So if he reaches out, she should completely ignore him? Yes. Because the only reason this guy is going to reach out to her is to use her for sex. I'm not saying he'll do it maliciously. But it's totally OBVIOUS that that is all he wants from her. He doesn't value her as a true friend. And he certainly doesn't value her as a romantic interest. He's using her to wet his pee-pee. He is NEVER going to love her. EVER. Which would be fine IF she didn't have feelings for him. But she does. Letting this guy unwittingly use her isn't going to do much for her self esteem in the long term. It's not worth the 'professional connection' which I still doubt is the true motivation in maintaining this 'friendship.' She just wanted to keep the door open a crack. "Oh don't forget about me J! Maybe in a month or two you'll grow up and realize you've loved me all along!" Sorry, but life isn't an 80's movie. Link to post Share on other sites
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