he has yet to confirm our date TODAY

[harmfulsweetz]

Exactly. So you might as well dismiss everything I say as possible fiction. It doesn't make sense to give me advice based on the assumption of some it being true and not the rest, since everything is basically suspect if you look at it from that standpoint. My point is either take what I say at face value, or if you can't, then it's pointless to give me any advice.

 

In the same vein, you can't ask for advice when you lie about certain things. What's the purpose of that? Are we meant to give advice that applies, or advice on a situation which has been twisted?

 

It doesn't make sense to post for advice when you're twisting things. Why would you want advice on a lie?

 

You accuse people of heckling in your threads, when all I've seen from those posters, is an honest attempt at helping you-I don't believe you're this fragile little girl who needs to be coddled, like some say you do. I don't buy it. I think each member of LS posts for advice and ought to expect that advice to come in various forms. And they ought to learn to deal with that. Unless it is outright in breach of TOS, of course.

 

If you can't attempt to listen without either a)ignoring those posters completely and only responding to those who agree with you b) lash out and call it nastiness.

 

I just think you're leaving the door open in the vain hope of something more happening in the future. I just don't see how you go from nearly falling for someone to merely wanting them as a professional acquaintaince in such a short period of time. I think if you truly believe that, you're fooling yourself.

[northern_sky]

In the same vein, you can't ask for advice when you lie about certain things. What's the purpose of that? Are we meant to give advice that applies, or advice on a situation which has been twisted?

 

It doesn't make sense to post for advice when you're twisting things. Why would you want advice on a lie?

 

You accuse people of heckling in your threads, when all I've seen from those posters, is an honest attempt at helping you-I don't believe you're this fragile little girl who needs to be coddled, like some say you do. I don't buy it. I think each member of LS posts for advice and ought to expect that advice to come in various forms. And they ought to learn to deal with that. Unless it is outright in breach of TOS, of course.

 

If you can't attempt to listen without either a)ignoring those posters completely and only responding to those who agree with you b) lash out and call it nastiness.

 

I just think you're leaving the door open in the vain hope of something more happening in the future. I just don't see how you go from nearly falling for someone to merely wanting them as a professional acquaintaince in such a short period of time. I think if you truly believe that, you're fooling yourself.

 

You're entitled to feel that way, but then your advice is essentially useless on my thread and I'm not sure why you're giving it.

 

I'm not lashing out. I'm defending myself against obvious nastiness.

 

You're naive if you're giving those posters the benefit of the doubt. Everyone I know irl who has had a look at LS remarked at how vicious the place is. And this before I gave my opinion.

[harmfulsweetz]

What I've been told in the last few pages of this thread by various posters AFTER I made a positive post because I was feeling good this morning:

 

1) You're a dime and dozen and your talents won't stand out in a place like NY. You have nothing unique to offer that tons of other people don't.

 

2) It's useless to maintain a professional connection with him because don't you know he's just choose somebody more skilled/talented over you

 

3) Despite him wanting to maintain a friendship, he doesn't value you in any way except as easy sex. (this is the least nasty of the comments, but I still think it's pretty unfounded.)

 

4) You're a liar and I'm going to pick and choose which bits of info you relate that I call true and which lies in convenience to my arguments.

 

5) If you do something healthy and relate it on here, you are lying.

 

This is the ugly side of LS that reminds me of a school playground. Some of you might want to let lay off me and have a close look at yourselves. Unfortunately the people who could most benefit from that advice are the least likely to take it.

 

You're the one twisting it all so that it is nasty. No one is saying you can't succeed, in fact, we all hope you do. I think you're missing the whole point of what people are trying to tell you, and twisting it to a way that suits your thinking. It's far easier to believe we are all just mean and nasty, and this is an ugly side of LS, and that it has nothing to do with you. And that we aren't actually trying to be of help.

 

Do you not see what people are saying about the lack of time that has elapsed since you ending things with him, to now opening the door "a crack?"

[harmfulsweetz]

You're entitled to feel that way, but then your advice is essentially useless on my thread and I'm not sure why you're giving it.

 

I'm not lashing out. I'm defending myself against obvious nastiness.

 

You're naive if you're giving those posters the benefit of the doubt. Everyone I know irl who has had a look at LS remarked at how vicious the place is. And this before I gave my opinion.

 

I don't think it's vicious at all. If you feel this way, why are you still here? Not being nasty here, I just don't get the point.

 

I don't think it's useless at all, I think you believe it's useless because it's not what you want to hear. Which is why you believe LS is a vicious place to be.

 

I'm not naive at all, I read those posts, and I don't see the nastiness that you claim to be defending yourself against. That's not naive, at all.

[northern_sky]

You're the one twisting it all so that it is nasty. No one is saying you can't succeed, in fact, we all hope you do. I think you're missing the whole point of what people are trying to tell you, and twisting it to a way that suits your thinking. It's far easier to believe we are all just mean and nasty, and this is an ugly side of LS, and that it has nothing to do with you. And that we aren't actually trying to be of help.

 

Do you not see what people are saying about the lack of time that has elapsed since you ending things with him, to now opening the door "a crack?"

 

For the record I don't think you in particular are acting out of malice (you strike me as genuine), but I do think you're very naive about people and group dynamics. The bullying that goes on here is rampant and has been acknowledged by many long time users, including the founder Tony who seems to hate the climate of this place.

 

If you go back a couple of pages I gave thoughtful responses to what people said about that short time frame. No one responded to my responses. Instead they latched on the lying thing. As Bob pointed out, when you claim somebody is lying that essentially shuts down any further discussion. How does one respond to that? I could say I'm not, but you won't believe me. It's not productive or helpful.

[harmfulsweetz]

For the record I don't think you in particular are acting out of malice (you strike me as genuine), but I do think you're very naive about people and group dynamics. The bullying that goes on here is rampant and has been acknowledged by many long time users, including the founder Tony who seems to hate the climate of this place.

 

If you go back a couple of pages I gave thoughtful responses to what people said about that short time frame. No one responded to my responses. Instead they latched on the lying thing. As Bob pointed out, when you claim somebody is lying that essentially shuts down any discussion.

 

Fair enough. I do think mentioning the lying thing may have been irrelevant, to the discussion at hand and things should be taken at facevalue. Likewise, I also believe that you ought to take posters at facevalue too-don't assume it's malicious if it may be helpful in their own little way.

[northern_sky]

I don't think it's vicious at all. If you feel this way, why are you still here? Not being nasty here, I just don't get the point.

 

I don't think it's useless at all, I think you believe it's useless because it's not what you want to hear. Which is why you believe LS is a vicious place to be.

 

I'm not naive at all, I read those posts, and I don't see the nastiness that you claim to be defending yourself against. That's not naive, at all.

 

Your advice to me is useless if you think I'm lying because then what are you even basing it on? If you believe anything I say is fictional then any advice you give has no foundation.

 

Yes, you are naive.

[northern_sky]

Fair enough. I do think mentioning the lying thing may have been irrelevant, to the discussion at hand and things should be taken at facevalue. Likewise, I also believe that you ought to take posters at facevalue too-don't assume it's malicious if it may be helpful in their own little way.

 

I DO in general try to give posters the benefit of the doubt. But I'm not going to take feedback seriously that is just cutting me down -- like saying making a professional connection is useless because that person will just find somebody better to fill a position.

 

Girl, if you expect me to take all the "advice" I've ever received on LS seriously, my self esteem would be shot.

 

At various points over the years I've been called "ugly inside and out," I've been told I"m a "bad person," I've been called "crazy," "deranged," even a "witch" by one regular user in a PM after a fairly tame argument. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

How would taking that crap seriously instead of dismissing it be helpful to my self esteem?

[harmfulsweetz]

Your advice to me is useless if you think I'm lying because then what are you even basing it on? If you believe anything I say is fictional then any advice you give has no foundation.

 

Yes, you are naive.

 

I don't assume you are lying. I take what every poster writes at facevalue. I'll respond to what is written. I was just making a point that if you want the best possible advice, you have to provide the most accurate details you can. Otherwise, it is pointless anyone posting. Most people on LS work under the assumption that the OP is telling the truth.

 

No, I'm not. I can see when people are being nasty, and when people are just being honest. There is a difference between the two.

[northern_sky]

I

No, I'm not. I can see when people are being nasty, and when people are just being honest. There is a difference between the two.

 

And so can I.

[harmfulsweetz]

I DO in general try to give posters the benefit of the doubt. But I'm not going to take feedback seriously that is just cutting me down -- like saying making a professional connection is useless because that person will just find somebody better to fill a position.

 

Girl, if you expect me to take all the "advice" I've ever received on LS seriously, my self esteem would be shot.

 

At various points over the years I've been called "ugly inside and out," I've been told I"m a "bad person," I've been called "crazy," "deranged," even a "witch" by one regular user in a PM after a fairly tame argument. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

How would taking that crap seriously instead of dismissing it be helpful to my self esteem?

 

 

I expect, as does anyone, that you take what applies and leave what doesn't. I think we all have the temptation to just listen to those who tell us what we want to hear, that's human nature. But sometimes we need to be slapped in the face with reality. But those posters are probably few and far between, and no one on this thread, I've seen do that.

 

You're missing the point people were trying to make that most people seem to get. Having professional connections is good, it's great in fact, highly beneficial, and I strongly recommend you make as many as you can. People aren't cutting you down for that-it's the professional connection that you have chosen. A guy,not a week ago, you just ended things with, who you were falling for badly. That is what people are getting at.

 

Obviously, nearly every desirable job market is competitive, that's life. The more connections, the better off. I just feel that you may be better suited to ending things with him completely, and finding some other connections.

[northern_sky]

I just want to add one thing. If I'm being honest with myself, I've been nasty at times to people on here too...although I think I'm fairly nice in general.

 

Most of the repeat offenders will never admit they've had a nasty moment, and to me that's a tell tale sign of dishonesty and concealed malice because EVERYONE has their moments, even the most saintly among us.

 

Part of the way I understand people is by having a good understanding of myself, which means accepting my flaws and occasional mean/dishonest moments.

 

That self awareness also makes it easier to see when other people cross the line by placing myself in their shoes. I think people without this self awareness, who view themselves as perfectly altruistic, have the most trouble understanding the motives of others.

[OceanGirl]

Sheeesh. LS at its worst.

 

Telling Shadow that she is "dime and dozen" is beyond ridiculous. You do not know her or her abilities and talents. As competitive as NYC is, there are still people that make it there. Shadow can be one of those people - telling her that she can't is beyond ridiculous and nasty, trying to cut down her self esteem.

 

And yet, you also all keep pointing out that she is "too negative" in her other threads. I say props to her for changing her patterns and thinking positively here.

 

She is one of the most intelligent posters on LS (and there are quite a few intelligent people on here). I fully believe in her.

 

She knows that she is not over J. No need to tell her that. Also, all the "bad things" she wrote about his personality are partly seeing him in different light now that she knows him better and partly a self-protection mechanism.

[xpaperxcutx]

For the record I don't think you in particular are acting out of malice (you strike me as genuine), but I do think you're very naive about people and group dynamics. The bullying that goes on here is rampant and has been acknowledged by many long time users, including the founder Tony who seems to hate the climate of this place.

 

If you go back a couple of pages I gave thoughtful responses to what people said about that short time frame. No one responded to my responses. Instead they latched on the lying thing. As Bob pointed out, when you claim somebody is lying that essentially shuts down any further discussion. How does one respond to that? I could say I'm not, but you won't believe me. It's not productive or helpful.

 

Well why do you feel the need to lie on an anonymous forum? I'm not saying you're in the wrong here, since we don't know each other, but as Harm's has said, all you can do is take people's words at facevalue.

 

 

The only thing we're trying to do is help you break your pattern and if not that, help open up your eyes to your bahavioral pattern ( which can be destructive at times). Sky, if you ever have the time to reread your posts, I highly recommend you do it for better insight.

 

We merely don't want you to constantly repeat the same offenses that have led you down this path.

[northern_sky]

 

You're missing the point people were trying to make that most people seem to get. Having professional connections is good, it's great in fact, highly beneficial, and I strongly recommend you make as many as you can. People aren't cutting you down for that-it's the professional connection that you have chosen. A guy,not a week ago, you just ended things with, who you were falling for badly. That is what people are getting at.

 

Obviously, nearly every desirable job market is competitive, that's life. The more connections, the better off. I just feel that you may be better suited to ending things with him completely, and finding some other connections.

 

As I wrote earlier, I think you a sweet person and you have honest motives. But the way you wrote this is far from how a few others made their point. It had a whole different tone. Had they written something like this, I wouldn't have been offended.

[northern_sky]

Well why do you feel the need to lie on an anonymous forum? I'm not saying you're in the wrong here, since we don't know each other, but as Harm's has said, all you can do is take people's words at facevalue.

 

 

The only thing we're trying to do is help you break your pattern and if not that, help open up your eyes to your bahavioral pattern ( which can be destructive at times). Sky, if you ever have the time to reread your posts, I highly recommend you do it for better insight.

 

We merely don't want you to constantly repeat the same offenses that have led you down this path.

 

Like with Harm, I don't think your motives are bad. I think the problem is everyone is assuming I'm directing this annoyance at them when it was only in reference to a couple of posters.

 

Believe me, I don't want to repeat those patterns either, and I'm well aware of my pitfalls.

[harmfulsweetz]

As I wrote earlier, I think you a sweet person and you have honest motives. But the way you wrote this is far from how a few others made their point. It had a whole different tone. Had they written something like this, I wouldn't have been offended.

 

Fair enough. I'm sure they didn't mean anything bad, but of course, because it's an internet forum we should be clear on how we word things so as not to cause confusion over intent.

[northern_sky]

Oh, Good Lord. I know you think I'm malicious, nasty, blahblahblah, so I'm not even going to bother to touch that. You have this uncanny ability to take things that people say and do to you and victimize yourself. In the last couple of pages all of your responses have been how those evil posters (I am assuming posters like myself and Mme) are down on poor helpless you.

 

Every story I read here I take at face value, except for yours. You have misconstrued and taken things so much out of context I can't help but take anything you say with a grain of salt. Is that really my fault? You present it as if it is.

 

But carry on, I'm sure this post is more fodder for you to eat up. I am truly sorry for you in that you obviously have some mental hang ups and wish you the best in life. Take your own advice from a previous thread, and focus on yourself.

 

I don't know you well enough to say whether you're generally a malicious person. I don't get the sense that you are. That doesn't mean you don't have your moments. Everybody does.

[Mme. Chaucer]

People react to you ... because of the way you present yourself here.

 

We are human. It is frustrating to deal with a person who absolutely, positively, year in and year out, will not be accountable for their own part of issues.

 

What do you want, anyway? On this very thread we were supposed to be happy, positive and supportive for your decision to cut off contact with this person, with whom you have nothing but a toxic relationship. Suddenly, we are admonished for not being happy, positive and supportive for your decision to be in contact with him again - in the same thread, with zero time for healing, change, growth, whatever.

 

Sorry. That cannot be possible. Anybody who gives that to you is either not being honest themselves, has something to gain from doing it (such as expecting the reciprocal "cosigning" from you) or they have not read this thread, much less all the others.

 

By the way, I am not "heckling" your threads. I respond to lots of threads; those that I feel moved to respond to. Two of you think I'm "mean."

[northern_sky]

People react to you ... because of the way you present yourself here.

 

We are human. It is frustrating to deal with a person who absolutely, positively, year in and year out, will not be accountable for their own part of issues.

 

What do you want, anyway? On this very thread we were supposed to be happy, positive and supportive for your decision to cut off contact with this person, with whom you have nothing but a toxic relationship. Suddenly, we are admonished for not being happy, positive and supportive for your decision to be in contact with him again - in the same thread, with zero time for healing, change, growth, whatever.

 

Sorry. That cannot be possible. Anybody who gives that to you is either not being honest themselves, has something to gain from doing it (such as expecting the reciprocal "cosigning" from you) or they have not read this thread, much less all the others.

 

By the way, I am not "heckling" your threads. I respond to lots of threads; those that I feel moved to respond to. Two of you think I'm "mean."

 

I'm pretty brutal on myself and my own behavior. I just disagree that staying on good terms with him was a bad choice. I agree with most of what people give me advice on. I think everyone was right that it was wrong to get involved with him and stay as long as I did. I don't remember arguing with that.

[sb129]

Having professional connections is good, it's great in fact, highly beneficial, and I strongly recommend you make as many as you can. People aren't cutting you down for that-it's the professional connection that you have chosen. A guy,not a week ago, you just ended things with, who you were falling for badly. That is what people are getting at.

 

Obviously, nearly every desirable job market is competitive, that's life. The more connections, the better off. I just feel that you may be better suited to ending things with him completely, and finding some other connections.

 

This is a fabulous post.

 

SP, you aren't a "dime a dozen". Everyone has something unique to offer.

 

I think that what people were getting at by saying that is letting you know that the job market is competitive and tough, especially somewhere like NYC, where thousands of new graduates in all sorts of fields flock to kickstart their careers.

I am not saying you do, but many new grads have a sense of entitlement that they will automatically land the job of their dreams, and unfortunately reality can kick hard when they don't.

 

Telling Shadow that she is "dime and dozen" is beyond ridiculous. You do not know her or her abilities and talents. As competitive as NYC is, there are still people that make it there. Shadow can be one of those people - telling her that she can't is beyond ridiculous and nasty, trying to cut down her self esteem.

 

Another way of looking at it could be its a way of reminding Shadow that to improve her chances of success, she should be spending more time developing her unique assets and getting good grades rather than wasting time worrying about jackasses.

[northern_sky]

This is a fabulous post.

 

SP, you aren't a "dime a dozen". Everyone has something unique to offer.

 

I think that what people were getting at by saying that is letting you know that the job market is competitive and tough, especially somewhere like NYC, where thousands of new graduates in all sorts of fields flock to kickstart their careers.

I am not saying you do, but many new grads have a sense of entitlement that they will automatically land the job of their dreams, and unfortunately reality can kick hard when they don't.

 

 

 

Another way of looking at it could be its a way of reminding Shadow that to improve her chances of success, she should be spending more time developing her unique assets and getting good grades rather than wasting time worrying about jackasses.

 

Thanks, SB. and I basically agree with everything you wrote. Believe me, I don't feel entitled. I know I have to work my arse off to get anywhere.

[sb129]

Thanks, SB. and I basically agree with everything you wrote. Believe me, I don't feel entitled. I know I have to work my arse off to get anywhere.

 

I know you don't.

 

So work it!

[Alma Mobley]

Well, I will say to you N_S that you are handling this guy A LOT better than the last two, I think, particularly with that boyfriend who dumped you out of the blue. I do think you should be supported in trying to develop more mature ways of handling the end of a relationship. I feel that I had to say something positive after reading the last few pages of this thread.

 

I also understand why you have these changing emotions. I had the same thing happen to me when I was going through a tumultuous relationship with someone and it was hard to let go. One day I hated him, three days later I thought I was still in love and so on and so forth. I think it's pretty normal, especially if you are an emotional or sensitive person by nature. This is why you need to stick to those boundaries that you have put in place. Good luck to you.

[OceanGirl]

And remember, you thought you will never get over your ex.

 

Not only did you get over your ex but you met someone with whom you felt an even better connection.

 

At least you know that you are capable of getting over people and meeting new ones that suit you more.

 

It will happen again...this time you could meet someone that you connect with on all levels (I thought that you were missing an emotional connection with J).

 

BTW it took a great deal of strength to walk away form this.