he has yet to confirm our date TODAY

[Star Gazer]

I think you're lying to yourself that you want to keep him as a "professional connection." I think what you're hoping is that if you don't hang out with him for awhile, he'll start to miss you and change his mind about a long term relationship with you. Simply put, it was over, you panicked when he didn't freak out and tell you he's loved you all along and please don't leave and you should be together forever and blah, blah, blah, so you decided to open the door a crack...hoping he'll fall in love in the future.

 

He's not going to, of course. Am I the only one who sees that?

 

Shadow couldn't win him over with her body (sex) so now she's going to try to use her "creativity" that they share.

 

Well, I'm NOT over him of course. And I'm also not opposed to keeping the door a crack -- and I truly mean a crack -- open. I don't think that I ever claimed I was.

 

But that'd only happen if a number of unlikely variables happened to coincide -- the timing was right, he was ready for a relationship AND he had matured past his selfishness. I don't think that's likely to happen, so I'm not holding out hope.

 

What I disagreed with is the notion that I responded to his email just in order to try and "nab" him. If I was truly thinking in those terms, I would have tried to maintain contact with him before he moves, but I know that's not best for me.

 

You ended things, and then re-opened the door "a crack" to allow for some romantic potential in the future.

 

The proof is in the pudding. THE CYCLE CONTINUES, just as we all predicted it would.

 

And I agree 100000000000000% with Chauncer. A few days ago you were falling in love with him. Now you see him as nothing more than an acquaintance and potential business connection?? Nope. And you know it.

 

When are you going to break the cycle, Shadow??

 

And BTW... LS doesn't like to get nasty. You're the only one (other than OG) getting this sort of feedback. Again, as we all say, there's only one common denominator - and that's you. If you continue the destructive unhealthy behavior, the responses you're going to get are going to be pretty predictable.

[Star Gazer]

I think everyone was right that it was wrong to get involved with him and stay as long as I did. I don't remember arguing with that.

 

You certainly did at the time. Only in retrospect did you agree.

 

I think the point here is identical. You disagree with everyone now, but you eventually will agree...after more heartache, unfortunately.

[threebyfate]

Do what you have to do, northern_sky. As someone who's in contact with four exes of which one is her cheating ex-husband who has sent contacts and lucrative projects her way, I'll be the last person to suggest you MUST cut things off.

 

But if things get unhealthy or go beyond friendship/potential business contact, best to cut things off.

[Kamille]

I'm going to ignore the last few pages of this thread and congratulate you on

 

1) Putting your needs first.

 

2) Deciding to take the time you need to heal and being honest wit him about it.

 

3) Telling him that what you want is a relationship and you won't settle for less.

 

4) Recognizing that you did the right thing for yourself and allowing yourself to geel good about it.

 

As to the networking thing, I mainly agree with you - as long as you truly do take the time you need to heal and get over him. And you will. I've been there done that with an ex of mine who works in my field. To this day, we still help each other out.

 

Like Alma Mobley, I think you're handling this really well. Feels good doesn't it?

[northern_sky]

I'm going to ignore the last few pages of this thread and congratulate you on

 

1) Putting your needs first.

 

2) Deciding to take the time you need to heal and being honest wit him about it.

 

3) Telling him that what you want is a relationship and you won't settle for less.

 

4) Recognizing that you did the right thing for yourself and allowing yourself to geel good about it.

 

As to the networking thing, I mainly agree with you - as long as you truly do take the time you need to heal and get over him. And you will. I've been there done that with an ex of mine who works in my field. To this day, we still help each other out.

 

Like Alma Mobley, I think you're handling this really well. Feels good doesn't it?

 

Yeah! Thanks, for the encouragement and acknowledgment. I do feel really good about how I handled this! It's a huge step forward for me.

 

In the last few days my confidence has shot up. I've been more driven in all aspects of my life. I realized that I hadn't been really pushing myself while I was in limbo with J. It seems like with the last two "breakups" I've gone on a self improvement jag. This time I just need to make sure I don't lose my momentum.

 

Last time I lost my drive when I started prowling OKCupid for guys mid summer. I'm really going to forget dating for awhile because it always derails me.

[northern_sky]

Hey, guys. My PM function doesn't seem to be working. I can read messages, but I don't think I can send responses. Just a FYI until I fix the problem.

[northern_sky]

Do what you have to do, northern_sky. As someone who's in contact with four exes of which one is her cheating ex-husband who has sent contacts and lucrative projects her way, I'll be the last person to suggest you MUST cut things off.

 

But if things get unhealthy or go beyond friendship/potential business contact, best to cut things off.

 

I agree. This is what feels right to be and I'm sticking to it.

[carhill]

Hey, guys. My PM function doesn't seem to be working. I can read messages, but I don't think I can send responses. Just a FYI until I fix the problem.

I sent you a test message. My current on-topic advice would echo that of TBF, mindful of that 'healthy' part. Good luck

[northern_sky]

I sent you a test message. My current on-topic advice would echo that of TBF, mindful of that 'healthy' part. Good luck

 

Thanks, Car. I got your message. I just sent you a response. Let me know if it goes through.

[carhill]

Nope, nada. There are 'alert us' buttons on PM's, but usually admin will advise if any moderation is in place. I'd suggest contacting admin for advice.

 

Edit: Now showing arrival at 1:22pm PST. That's odd. My bet is some sort of moderation is in place.

Edited December 5, 2010 by carhill

[threebyfate]

northern_sky, if you want your PMs sent to automatically save in your sent box, you have to go to your profile and select that option in "Edit options". If I recall, the default option is not to save (box unticked).

[carhill]

TBF, I think she's talking about recipients not getting her messages, whether at all, or in a timely fashion, but could be mistaken. I've never experienced such a PM time delay as I just did with her message, either here on LS or with the PM system on my forum. That's very odd. Anyway, I'm sure she'll get it sorted.

[northern_sky]

My PM function seems to be working again. Thanks, Carhill.

[welikeincrowds]

I'm going to jump one tangentially related point, minor to the discussion of J, that is important to me and I think needs to be made clear.

 

NS, at a certain point, you are a dime a dozen in New York.

 

More importantly, if you are unprepared to hear that from anyone at any time, you are not prepared to work here. You work here because you know and you don't care.

 

I am talented, and very good at what I do. My line of work is heavily saturated. There will always be someone better. There will always be someone more accomplished. Most importantly, there will always be someone else available. For this reason, I too, am a dime a dozen. This is a fact of this city like the nights are long or the air is cold. It doesn't just apply to work, it applies to almost everything. There is no point in even acknowledging that sort of comment. It doesn't stop you from waking up and breathing, but it will if you let it.

[northern_sky]

I am having trouble mentally moving on. I've been doing all the behavioral things I need to: no contact, working really, really hard on school stuff, getting out of the house.

 

But it's like there's a piece of my brain that will not let go of him. I know it's just been a few days, but I'm frustrated with myself. I want to be over this. I don't want it to linger, especially when I have so much else to focus on.

 

This brain slippage manifests as the need to understand whether or not it had anything to do with me or it was really just bad timing.

 

Basically, I think what I need to believe is that it is truly over for good, forever. Because I am somebody who has trouble processing any shades of gray in rejection, as long as I think there is a shred of hope I will obsess.

 

I am self aware enough to know that I can easily slip into a funk of overanalysis after the fact that makes this draw out longer than it has to. That's what happened with my ex. .

 

It wasn't until my ex told me definitively, "I will never speak to you again," that I could let him go in my heart. I feel like after he told me that, I was almost completely over him in a week.

 

But in healthy relationships, things usually end without that kind of brutal closure, where you aren't handed absolute certainty. The healthy way is to MAKE that closure for yourself, not try to draw it out from the other person.

 

So the question is, how do I find my own closure, as somebody who is confounded by shades of grey?

 

I want to continue the positive trend with this experience and avoid past mistakes.

[northern_sky]

I'm going to jump one tangentially related point, minor to the discussion of J, that is important to me and I think needs to be made clear.

 

NS, at a certain point, you are a dime a dozen in New York.

 

More importantly, if you are unprepared to hear that from anyone at any time, you are not prepared to work here. You work here because you know and you don't care.

 

I am talented, and very good at what I do. My line of work is heavily saturated. There will always be someone better. There will always be someone more accomplished. Most importantly, there will always be someone else available. For this reason, I too, am a dime a dozen. This is a fact of this city like the nights are long or the air is cold. It doesn't just apply to work, it applies to almost everything. There is no point in even acknowledging that sort of comment. It doesn't stop you from waking up and breathing, but it will if you let it.

 

What doesn't make sense to me is the line of thought that I shouldn't make a professional connection because that person will surely find somebody better for the role. Then how does anyone get ahead? I think that's BS.

 

Even if there are tons of people who have a lot to offer, that doesn't mean I can't be successful.

[northern_sky]

--------------

Edited December 6, 2010 by northern_sky

[OceanGirl]

I am having trouble mentally moving on. I've been doing all the behavioral things I need to: no contact, working really, really hard on school stuff, getting out of the house.

 

But it's like there's a piece of my brain that will not let go of him. I know it's just been a few days, but I'm frustrated with myself. I want to be over this. I don't want it to linger, especially when I have so much else to focus on.

 

This brain slippage manifests as the need to understand whether or not it had anything to do with me or it was really just bad timing.

 

Basically, I think what I need to believe is that it is truly over for good, forever. Because I am somebody who has trouble processing any shades of gray in rejection, as long as I think there is a shred of hope I will obsess.

 

I am self aware enough to know that I can easily slip into a funk of overanalysis after the fact that makes this draw out longer than it has to. That's what happened with my ex. .

 

It wasn't until my ex told me definitively, "I will never speak to you again," that I could let him go in my heart. I feel like after he told me that, I was almost completely over him in a week.

 

But in healthy relationships, things usually end without that kind of brutal closure, where you aren't handed absolute certainty. The healthy way is to MAKE that closure for yourself, not try to draw it out from the other person.

 

So the question is, how do I find my own closure, as somebody who is confounded by shades of grey?

 

I want to continue the positive trend with this experience and avoid past mistakes.

 

I can SO relate to this.

 

I also need to know that it's over and over forever, 100% or I will obsess endlessly.

 

The hardest guy that I ever had to get over is my ex with whom I had a complicated on-off relationship for 3 years. Then we were some sort of FWB for the 2 years after that. In those 2 years, he treated me like s%it. Everybody was telling me that but I didn't want to see it. I loved him and he was saying that we can have a serious relationship down the line, that we have a great connection, that timing right now is bad for him and all he needs is for me to be patient and give him time (while continuining to hang out).

 

I held on. I cried almost every day but I believed that there was hope and that I will never love anyone else. I saw him 2-3 times a week regularly. We had sex but sometimes we just went to dinners and shopping etc. He was constantly doing hot/cold and I would be manic/depressed as a result.

 

I think that the situation with him would go on forever if it wasn't for something I orchestrated. I needed to kill all hope and this was the key to moving on. Clearly, he was never going to tell me that so I needed to find another way.

 

He used to frequent a certain chat room. I know that he also has a need to confide personal matters to other people - and it doesn't take much for him to open up. I created a character, a girl and started talking to him every night in this chat room.

 

This required great deal of time and effort but I figured that this guy is consuming my every waking thought anyway so what the hell.

 

I chatted to him for 2 months, about anything and everything but mostly about the things and interests that I knew he related to.

 

Two months later, I went in for the kill. My character asked him for relationship advice. I made up some story of how I was seeing some guy who wanted a relationship with me and that I really liked him but just wasn't sure. Right away, he started talking about him and real me. He told my online character our history (mostly correct).

 

So my character asked: Why don't you want a relationship with her right now?

 

He simply said, I like her but there is something about her that's missing. I can't put my finger on it but I can never fall in love with her because of that. I have been trying as I feel she is good for me. She is so sweet and loving. But I am not feeling it completely. I am not feeling what I should be feeling.

 

I pressed even further..do you think it's the timing? do you think you can feel it for her in time?

 

He simply said "no, I am 100% sure - no"

 

My character: "Why are you sort of leading her on then?"

 

Him: "Because I am afraid that I will never find anyone that loves me as much as she loves me"

 

My character: "If you were to meet someone new that blows you away what would you do?"

 

Him: "Break it off, no question about it - I have actually been on a few dates recently with someone pretty amazing..."

 

And there is was, in black and white, all my hope killed.

 

I never went back to that chat room.

 

I told him it was over.

 

A week later, I was over him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So the question is, how do I find my own closure, as somebody who is confounded by shades of grey?

 

I think most of us who have read your history of threads know this about you, and that is why there was frustration when you volunteered to be in the grey area by retaining contact with J.

 

It will be awfully sad if you have to get to a place where he has to brutally reject you in order for you to move on emotionally. Nobody wants to see this happen, and it feeds into a repeating spiral of behavior that hinges on a very poor sense of self. I mean, if you need to be treated badly by someone you do or have cared about in order to move on, that does not leave you in a healthy place to move on FROM.

 

You really do have control over this, if you would be willing to take it.

[harmfulsweetz]

I am having trouble mentally moving on. I've been doing all the behavioral things I need to: no contact, working really, really hard on school stuff, getting out of the house.

 

But it's like there's a piece of my brain that will not let go of him. I know it's just been a few days, but I'm frustrated with myself. I want to be over this. I don't want it to linger, especially when I have so much else to focus on.

 

This brain slippage manifests as the need to understand whether or not it had anything to do with me or it was really just bad timing.

 

Basically, I think what I need to believe is that it is truly over for good, forever. Because I am somebody who has trouble processing any shades of gray in rejection, as long as I think there is a shred of hope I will obsess.

 

I am self aware enough to know that I can easily slip into a funk of overanalysis after the fact that makes this draw out longer than it has to. That's what happened with my ex. .

 

It wasn't until my ex told me definitively, "I will never speak to you again," that I could let him go in my heart. I feel like after he told me that, I was almost completely over him in a week.

 

But in healthy relationships, things usually end without that kind of brutal closure, where you aren't handed absolute certainty. The healthy way is to MAKE that closure for yourself, not try to draw it out from the other person.

 

So the question is, how do I find my own closure, as somebody who is confounded by shades of grey?

 

I want to continue the positive trend with this experience and avoid past mistakes.

 

I'm in the same situation. I know that feeling all too well, until the door is officially closed, we hold out for a shred of hope. Heck, I almost went so far as to try and refill my old post at the place he works, where we met, to get to him. Luckily, I saw the better of it. Hopefully...it's a slippery slope for sure.

 

I'm the type of person that needs to be told in no uncertain terms, it is over, kaput, finito. That's why I can't stand those people who just disappear, or use avoidance tactics, because it's so annoying, and hurtful.

 

I think the best thing to do is to focus your mind elsewhere, make a list why you ended things with him, and think of only those points. Repeat, repeat, repeat. When you think of him, just take a look back the list, or remind yourself of why he was not good. I know that's not the best advice, but I think I need tricks to move forward too so probably not the best person to be on this.

 

Sometimes we do need to be told no, in our own minds at least. But someone once said that closure comes from within, from accepting the things that have happened, and the things you can't change, all the while understanding why those things happened. I'm not saying everything happens for a reason, I don't know if I buy that, but I think this situation was bound to come to an end at some point. Understand what went wrong, and the things you could improve on, and the people you should avoid.

 

I see things in shades of grey too, I'm always making excuses up for people, I never see something as being one thing or the other. But sometimes it is black and white I guess. It's just the hopeful part of us that turns it grey.

[northern_sky]

I think most of us who have read your history of threads know this about you, and that is why there was frustration when you volunteered to be in the grey area by retaining contact with J.

 

It will be awfully sad if you have to get to a place where he has to brutally reject you in order for you to move on emotionally. Nobody wants to see this happen, and it feeds into a repeating spiral of behavior that hinges on a very poor sense of self. I mean, if you need to be treated badly by someone you do or have cared about in order to move on, that does not leave you in a healthy place to move on FROM.

 

You really do have control over this, if you would be willing to take it.

 

So how do you propose I mentally do that?

[Star Gazer]

So how do you propose I mentally do that?

 

Recognize that you have the control to end things just as much as he does. You don't need to wait for him to do it anymore than you have to wait to get fired from a job. YOU can make the decision to walk. You just have to commit to it, and stick to your decision once you've made it.

[northern_sky]

Recognize that you have the control to end things just as much as he does. You don't need to wait for him to do it anymore than you have to wait to get fired from a job. YOU can make the decision to walk. You just have to commit to it, and stick to your decision once you've made it.

 

I already ended things, though.

[Star Gazer]

I already ended things, though.

 

No, you didn't. By your own admission, you left the door open a crack - and for romantic potential.

[northern_sky]

No, you didn't. By your own admission, you left the door open a crack - and for romantic potential.

 

Are you saying I should actually email him again and say, I don't want to ever speak to you again, or I don't ever want a relationship with you? Because isn't that what I would have to essentially do to close that crack? That seems pretty extreme.