he has yet to confirm our date TODAY

[BobSacamento]

And you know that she literally broke up and made up with the same guy in less than a week...

 

Absolutely, but I was more referencing the competitive NYC argument people were talking about.

 

As I said before - the guy is careless, she should be careful.

[BobSacamento]

Yes. Because the only reason this guy is going to reach out to her is to use her for sex. I'm not saying he'll do it maliciously. But it's totally OBVIOUS that that is all he wants from her. He doesn't value her as a true friend. And he certainly doesn't value her as a romantic interest. He's using her to wet his pee-pee. He is NEVER going to love her. EVER.

 

Which would be fine IF she didn't have feelings for him. But she does. Letting this guy unwittingly use her isn't going to do much for her self esteem in the long term.

 

It's not worth the 'professional connection' which I still doubt is the true motivation in maintaining this 'friendship.' She just wanted to keep the door open a crack. "Oh don't forget about me J! Maybe in a month or two you'll grow up and realize you've loved me all along!" Sorry, but life isn't an 80's movie.

 

So you are saying she can't handle the temptation? Why not?

[northern_sky]

Yes. Because the only reason this guy is going to reach out to her is to use her for sex. I'm not saying he'll do it maliciously. But it's totally OBVIOUS that that is all he wants from her. He doesn't value her as a true friend. And he certainly doesn't value her as a romantic interest. He's using her to wet his pee-pee. He is NEVER going to love her. EVER.

 

Which would be fine IF she didn't have feelings for him. But she does. Letting this guy unwittingly use her isn't going to do much for her self esteem in the long term.

 

It's not worth the 'professional connection' which I still doubt is the true motivation in maintaining this 'friendship.' She just wanted to keep the door open a crack. "Oh don't forget about me J! Maybe in a month or two you'll grow up and realize you've loved me all along!" Sorry, but life isn't an 80's movie.

 

I think he DOES value me as a friend in so far as he can given his personality. Remember, he was the one who was fine with not pushing the physical thing and just hanging out platonically when we "reunited." He's just flaky and selfish. He alienated another good friend of his recently for similar reasons.

 

So yeah, I agree that a friendship with him would be a bad bet. But as I said a bunch of times I see no harm in maintaining a professional connection and acquaintance relationship.

[harmfulsweetz]

Yes. Because the only reason this guy is going to reach out to her is to use her for sex. I'm not saying he'll do it maliciously. But it's totally OBVIOUS that that is all he wants from her. He doesn't value her as a true friend. And he certainly doesn't value her as a romantic interest. He's using her to wet his pee-pee. He is NEVER going to love her. EVER.

 

Which would be fine IF she didn't have feelings for him. But she does. Letting this guy unwittingly use her isn't going to do much for her self esteem in the long term.

 

It's not worth the 'professional connection' which I still doubt is the true motivation in maintaining this 'friendship.' She just wanted to keep the door open a crack. "Oh don't forget about me J! Maybe in a month or two you'll grow up and realize you've loved me all along!" Sorry, but life isn't an 80's movie.

 

Gotta say I agree with this. You can get plenty of professional connections by circulating in the right circles, volunteering etc. Why use a guy you "used" to think you were falling in love with?

[northern_sky]

Gotta say I agree with this. You can get plenty of professional connections by circulating in the right circles, volunteering etc. Why use a guy you "used" to think you were falling in love with?

 

Because I know him pretty well and we see eye to eye on creative things, which is unusual, since I've rarely met anybody shares my specific taste. Of course I'll be doing everything to network with other people. I just don't see the harm in keeping up this professional connection. *shrug*

[northern_sky]

Eh, this thread has taken a bad turn. Thanks for being more sensible in your responses, BobS.

 

I still feel totally OK with my decision to stay on good terms with him. I'm not going to overnanalyze it or second guess. If you guys want to continue doing so in my absence, you're more than welcome, but I have better things to do.

[Mme. Chaucer]

For most of us, there would be a larger gap than 5 - 7 days between "I'm in love with him" and "I'm only interested in using him for a business connection." Not to mention the odd spots amongst those 5 - 7 days where he was a swattable fly, a loser, a flake, etc.

 

NS, you might want to consider, perhaps, why most of us would have a larger gap between all the gyrations. I think it's because that is what is GOOD for us. It would be good for you, too.

[Sarah1977]

So you are saying she can't handle the temptation? Why not?

 

 

Because she can't make it 7 days without contacting him or otherwise obsessing over him.

[BobSacamento]

Because she can't make it 7 days without contacting him or otherwise obsessing over him.

 

She didn't contact him. This was the hand she was dealt.

[BobSacamento]

I don't believe that. Sorry, but Shadow has been known to stretch the truth in her threads. It would not shock me in the least if she was actually the one who contacted him.

 

That cynicism rears it's ugly head

[Sarah1977]

I don't believe that. Sorry, but Shadow has been known to stretch the truth in her threads. It would not shock me in the least if she was actually the one who contacted him.

 

I didn't believe it, either.

[BobSacamento]

And yet realistic.

 

Fiction is realistic?

[northern_sky]

I don't believe that. Sorry, but Shadow has been known to stretch the truth in her threads. It would not shock me in the least if she was actually the one who contacted him.

 

Fine, then if you're going to question the veracity of everything I say you might as well not bother responding to my threads since what's the point in giving me advice si? I can't win. If I do something unhealthy I get scolded, if I don't do something unhealthy I get accused of lying.

 

My point is you're going to cherry pick which points I'm apparently lying on, then you might as well dismiss everythign I say as fiction.

[sb129]

I made it very clear to him that any romantic and sexual thing we had is totally over unless he is one day ready for an actual relationship, we are both single, and the timing is right -- I didn't leave any wiggle room, and he is fine with that.

 

That doesn't mean I'm going to actually be his friend any time soon. I need space to get over him, and I could only envision myself as his friend one day when I no longer want him or I'm in another relationship.

 

Sorry NS, but the bolded parts do kind of imply that you would be willing to give him another chance if he decided he was into you after all.

 

Which in turn suggests that you aren't over him....

 

As far as the professional thing goes, I can see why you have done that, but it does seem as if you are leaving the door open a crack for romantic potential too.

 

You can always keep a professional contact- you just keep their email address.

 

I would hate for you to keep your hopes up in that regard and for him to be an a$$ to you on a professional level in the future.

[northern_sky]

Sorry NS, but the bolded parts do kind of imply that you would be willing to give him another chance if he decided he was into you after all.

 

Which in turn suggests that you aren't over him....

 

As far as the professional thing goes, I can see why you have done that, but it does seem as if you are leaving the door open a crack for romantic potential too.

 

You can always keep a professional contact- you just keep their email address.

 

I would hate for you to keep your hopes up in that regard and for him to be an a$$ to you on a professional level in the future.

 

Well, I'm NOT over him of course. And I'm also not opposed to keeping the door a crack -- and I truly mean a crack -- open. I don't think that I ever claimed I was.

 

But that'd only happen if a number of unlikely variables happened to coincide -- the timing was right, he was ready for a relationship AND he had matured past his selfishness. I don't think that's likely to happen, so I'm not holding out hope.

 

What I disagreed with is the notion that I responded to his email just in order to try and "nab" him. If I was truly thinking in those terms, I would have tried to maintain contact with him before he moves, but I know that's not best for me.

[northern_sky]

For most of us, there would be a larger gap than 5 - 7 days between "I'm in love with him" and "I'm only interested in using him for a business connection." Not to mention the odd spots amongst those 5 - 7 days where he was a swattable fly, a loser, a flake, etc.

 

NS, you might want to consider, perhaps, why most of us would have a larger gap between all the gyrations. I think it's because that is what is GOOD for us. It would be good for you, too.

 

And I still have those feelings for him -- though his blowing me off did put a major damper in them, thank god. They haven't gone away yet. But just because I have feelings doesn't mean I'm unable to separate my attachment from making the best decision for myself. I've been proud at my strength in handling the end of this. And I maintain that my decision to respond to his second email was a head over heart choice.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Fine, then if you're going to question the veracity of everything I say you might as well not bother responding to my threads since what's the point in giving me advice si? I can't win. If I do something unhealthy I get scolded, if I don't do something unhealthy I get accused of lying.

 

My point is you're going to cherry pick which points I'm apparently lying on, then you might as well dismiss everythign I say as fiction.

 

Come on, now. One cannot admit to lying on multiple occasions and not have people question whether or not they might be ... lying.

 

People question your veracity because of your personal history here on LS. It's completely normal.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with whether you're doing something healthy or unhealthy.

[northern_sky]

Come on, now. One cannot admit to lying on multiple occasions and not have people question whether or not they might be ... lying.

 

People question your veracity because of your personal history here on LS. It's completely normal.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with whether you're doing something healthy or unhealthy.

 

Exactly. So you might as well dismiss everything I say as possible fiction. It doesn't make sense to give me advice based on the assumption of some it being true and not the rest, since everything is basically suspect if you look at it from that standpoint. My point is either take what I say at face value, or if you can't, then it's pointless to give me any advice.

[BobSacamento]

Come on, now. One cannot admit to lying on multiple occasions and not have people question whether or not they might be ... lying.

 

People question your veracity because of your personal history here on LS. It's completely normal.

 

It doesn't have anything to do with whether you're doing something healthy or unhealthy.

 

Basically once your a liar, your always a liar and should be ostracized. That is the message we are sending. Are you getting the community feel here?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Basically once your a liar, your always a liar and should be ostracized. That is the message we are sending. Are you getting the community feel here?

 

"Ostracizing" was not mentioned. We're here, aren't we. I'm sure the LS members who don't want to deal with a known dishonest poster are not participating already. It's human nature to question the word of people who are known to lie more than that of those who aren't. It's disingenuous to pretend that's not the case.

 

That being said, this is a fairly anonymous place. Lots of lying and misrepresentation is likely to be going on here all the time. We still participate.

[LexiB]

I'm just having trouble reconciling this:

 

 

Guys, tell me it wasn't a mistake to end things. Whenever I make a choice like this, my obsessive second guessing goes into high gear. I want, I NEED to stick to this.

 

What if I had continued to see him until he moved and he got more attached and then decided he wanted a relationship with me either now or later on?

 

What if he's the love of my life and I threw any potential away? !!!

 

What if I had just continued to see him and had fun before he left, keeping loneliness at bay?

 

What if, what if, what if....?

 

I'm seriously having these thoughts and I need you guys to set me straight and cut through the magical thinking.

 

 

With this:

 

That said, I'm not ashamed to admit my motive behind the gesture was purely strategic -- he could make a useful professional connection when I move to the city. I tend to be a brutal opportunist, which I think is fine as long as I'm not hurting anyone. His feelings for me are nil, and he'd be the first to understand and relate to my drive.

 

 

Really??? The stark difference between these two statements is disconcerting given that only 3 days have passed between them. One day you're mourning your potential lost love and now suddenly youronly or even primary, interest in staying connected to him is for...networking puposes? People typically aren't able to trapeze quite so easily between emotions and mental states that are polar opposites of one another, at least not legitimately.

 

Putting up a front however, is a cinch..

 

But in any event, only you know what you're really feeling and thinking and if you say you're already detached from him, I'm certainly not going to waste time debating you on that. Good luck again.

Edited December 4, 2010 by LexiB

[BobSacamento]

"Ostracizing" was not mentioned. We're here, aren't we. I'm sure the LS members who don't want to deal with a known dishonest poster are not participating already. It's human nature to question the word of people who are known to lie more than that of those who aren't. It's disingenuous to pretend that's not the case.

 

That being said, this is a fairly anonymous place. Lots of lying and misrepresentation is likely to be going on here all the time. We still participate.

 

It really doesn't have to be mentioned. When you pretty much say persons word is worthless it is pretty much done. I know it's human nature to question the word of someone especially, when they have a history lying, but it's also human nature to have some compassion for someone exhibiting self-destructive behavior such as that. I just don't see that here.

[northern_sky]

"Ostracizing" was not mentioned. We're here, aren't we. I'm sure the LS members who don't want to deal with a known dishonest poster are not participating already. It's human nature to question the word of people who are known to lie more than that of those who aren't. It's disingenuous to pretend that's not the case.

 

That being said, this is a fairly anonymous place. Lots of lying and misrepresentation is likely to be going on here all the time. We still participate.

 

So if you think I'm probably making everything up, and you don't want to deal with a known dishonest poster, maybe you should stop heckling in my threads.

[northern_sky]

I'm just having trouble reconciling this:

 

 

 

 

 

With this:

 

 

 

 

Really??? The stark difference between these two statements is disconcerting given that only 3 days have passed between them. One day you're mourning your potential lost love and now suddenly youronly or even primary, interest in staying connected to him is for...networking puposes? People typically aren't able to trapeze quite so easily between emotions and mental states that are polar opposites of one another, at least not legitimately.

 

Putting up a front however, is a cinch..

 

But in any event, only you know what you're really feeling and thinking and if you say you're already detached from him, I'm certainly not going to waste time debating you on that. Good luck again.

 

I'm not detached. I still have feelings.

[northern_sky]

What I've been told in the last few pages of this thread by various posters AFTER I made a positive post because I was feeling good this morning:

 

1) You're a dime and dozen and your talents won't stand out in a place like NY. You have nothing unique to offer that tons of other people don't.

 

2) It's useless to maintain a professional connection with him because don't you know he's just choose somebody more skilled/talented over you

 

3) Despite him wanting to maintain a friendship, he doesn't value you in any way except as easy sex. (this is the least nasty of the comments, but I still think it's pretty unfounded.)

 

4) You're a liar and I'm going to pick and choose which bits of info you relate that I call true and which lies in convenience to my arguments.

 

5) If you do something healthy and relate it on here, you are lying.

 

This is the ugly side of LS that reminds me of a school playground. Some of you might want to let lay off me and have a close look at yourselves. Unfortunately the people who could most benefit from that advice are the least likely to take it.

Edited December 4, 2010 by northern_sky