Al-Anon?

[BenThereDunThat]

Anyone with a loved one who is addicted ever try this program?

 

A very close family member is an alcoholic and I am at my wit's end.

 

I fear she is going to end up dead or hospitalized or jailed.

 

I don't know how to deal anymore. I just had to pick her up from the police station at 2:30 this morning.

 

She has a young daughter who I adore more than life itself. I'm just so sick and depressed I don't know what to do.

 

She hasn't had her "light bulb" moment and I don't know if she ever will.

 

I feel so helpless.

[rakodako]

do u live with her? If you do you need to kick her out because this is not healthy. I went through this and this is not living.

 

if she doesnt live with you i say go to Alanon bc it teaches you to not let their problems affect your life.

[2sunny]

Anyone with a loved one who is addicted ever try this program?

 

A very close family member is an alcoholic and I am at my wit's end.

 

I fear she is going to end up dead or hospitalized or jailed.

 

I don't know how to deal anymore. I just had to pick her up from the police station at 2:30 this morning.

 

She has a young daughter who I adore more than life itself. I'm just so sick and depressed I don't know what to do.

 

She hasn't had her "light bulb" moment and I don't know if she ever will.

 

I feel so helpless.

 

yes, it has helped me a great deal. please check out meetings in your local area... google it.

[BenThereDunThat]

Thanks r & 2. I will see what's in my area.

 

She doesn't live with me. Not letting her affect my life is the hardest part. I told my dad today that we need to stop feeling like we're somehow responsible or that there's some words or actions we can say or do that will help.

 

I know we can't help. We've talked to her until we're blue in the face but she's the one who has to come to conclusions.

 

She slept on my couch last night after I picked her up. She got a DUI. This is her 3rd. I can tell by the way she was talking this a.m. that she's no where close to recovery.

 

She knows she is an alcoholic. She knows it is affecting her health.

 

She is so full of self-pity, hates her marriage, thinks her life is miserable because of everyone else.

 

I know it's the disease but she is so g*d damned SELFISH!!! I am so angry and sad and worried.

 

I was reading her her ticket info and said 'your court date is in February.' she said, and I quote: "greeeaat, is it on my birthday?"

 

Um, yeah, her birthday is in February but so is her DAUGHTER's!!! Forget that was a f*cked up response to begin with, but YOUR birthday is what first came to mind when you woke up on my couch after hardly even remembering getting arrested??

 

She's going to end up dead, I just know it, and there's not a damn thing I'm going to be able to do about it.

 

Sorry, I'm running on very little sleep since 2:30 this morning.

[Star Gazer]

I went after my alcoholic ex-BF and I split. It helped me tremendously.

[rakodako]

they are really good bc they dont judge you. if you want to stay in the addicts life or not. they just give you tools and support to help you try to not let their proiblems affect u.

 

good luck

[Clep]

I am a very grateful member of Al-anon and it has saved me in more ways than one. I was once hopeless with my life in a mess. The rooms of Al-anon have provided me the tools to aid myself in a substantial way and the alcoholic in my life as well.

 

I would personally recommend it to anyone who has alcohol touch their life in a negative way. My Al-anon program is at the forefront of my life and I imagine always will be. The alcoholic in my life is now sober. I chose to be a part of the solution an Al-anon gave me the tools to make that a reality.

[2sunny]

Thanks r & 2. I will see what's in my area.

 

She doesn't live with me. Not letting her affect my life is the hardest part. I told my dad today that we need to stop feeling like we're somehow responsible or that there's some words or actions we can say or do that will help.

 

I know we can't help. We've talked to her until we're blue in the face but she's the one who has to come to conclusions.

 

She slept on my couch last night after I picked her up. She got a DUI. This is her 3rd. I can tell by the way she was talking this a.m. that she's no where close to recovery.

 

She knows she is an alcoholic. She knows it is affecting her health.

 

She is so full of self-pity, hates her marriage, thinks her life is miserable because of everyone else.

 

I know it's the disease but she is so g*d damned SELFISH!!! I am so angry and sad and worried.

 

I was reading her her ticket info and said 'your court date is in February.' she said, and I quote: "greeeaat, is it on my birthday?"

 

Um, yeah, her birthday is in February but so is her DAUGHTER's!!! Forget that was a f*cked up response to begin with, but YOUR birthday is what first came to mind when you woke up on my couch after hardly even remembering getting arrested??

 

She's going to end up dead, I just know it, and there's not a damn thing I'm going to be able to do about it.

 

Sorry, I'm running on very little sleep since 2:30 this morning.

 

so - tell me, why should she do anything different when you all try to fix things for her? stop rescuing her. she should have stayed in jail as long as you could keep her there. stop making her comfortable! she NEEDS to be UNCOMFORTABLE to get motivated enough to change...

 

let her suffer any and all consequences - that way she MAY get more motivated if it hurts her! change is good - but it never happens when someone is comfortable.

[just_some_guy]

Go to Al-Anon, it is definitely worth the time and effort. Been in your shoes myself.

 

Tie to learn how to detach with love.

[BenThereDunThat]

Thanks everyone. I did find out where they meet in my area and am going to a newcomers meeting next week.

 

Detaching with love, making her uncomfortable, and anything else that goes along with that, is what I for sure need help with.

 

My whole life I've been told she's "not as strong" as me and she freaks out so easily I recognize now that the whole family walks on eggshells around her. We've been doing it a long, long time.

 

I started to call her today for the sympathetic, how are you doing, call but I thought no. I can't do that anymore. If I'm pissed, I have to let her know that I'm pissed, consequences be damned. If my being tough on her makes her crumble, then she'll just have to crumble.

 

I almost feel like she's relieved she got the DUI but in the sense that she can say "SEE, I've been telling you all I need help, now feel sorry for me and FIX IT"!

 

Well, we can't. I feel better having realized that and I hope she comes to realize that herself.

 

I promised myself I'm not going to let this depress me. This is not my fault, it's not my fight. I can support without enabling.

 

(I hope)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It would be extremely difficult for anyone on this board to have ever consumed less alcohol or drugs than I have, and yet I can still say that I went to an AA meeting with/for a friend, and that it's just different...

 

SO much so that it is particularly effective like nothing else. NOT having 'been there' emotionally/spiritually, I can't fully relate, but my logical and observant mind certainly saw very sincere people at various stages of despair and recovery, the likes of which I myself couldn't measure.

 

Some of the wisest people around say that a "12-step program" is the only way to effectively kick addiction. For the moral supporter, it might even look kind of silly along the way, but if your loved-one can commit herself to the program then she'll evolve toward a much healthier life starting in a couple of months.

 

Soon she'll need a 'sponsor', somebody else who KNOWS first-hand where she is right now, but until that point you will be great support when merely accompanying her to meetings.

[2sunny]

i recommend you read the book CoDependent No More as well - by M Beatty. i believe it will help you get an idea of how to do things differently... and how to let her do what is hers as well.

 

YOU need to take care of you - let her take care of herself... as long as you fix everything - there is no reason for her to do ANYTHING differently. stop rescuing and feeling sorry for her. when she suffers some consequences for her bad behavior - THAT is when she may get motivated to start changing things. as long as you make everything ok - she has no reason to do things differently at all.

[BenThereDunThat]

Well, where we are now is pretty much where I figured we'd end up.

 

Before Christmas me and my dad were both on the same page, talked for hours about her and her past history, had the 'aha' moments about her problems, alcoholism, whatever you want to call it. Which, really, it was more 'aha' for him than it was for me - I've been living it for years now.

 

I've always played a major role in sheltering him from her issues....I am the typical youngest child who grew up in an alcoholic home...always trying so hard to maintain status quo, don't upset anything, make sure no one is having a meltdown. Never causing any undo problems.

 

Anyway, of course Dad said "I don't want to put a damper on Christmas."

 

Now, here we are, well past Christmas. I don't call her and she won't call me because I quit answering her nighttime phone calls months ago. So, in her head she's the one who is "mad" at me and taking a stand.

 

We do still talk but it's forced and it's all about my niece. Who I see so much of myself in that it breaks my heart.

 

I know that until I can get the balls to really go off on her we'll still live this life.

 

But how can you just haul off and ream into someone that you know is sick?

[2sunny]

Well, where we are now is pretty much where I figured we'd end up.

 

Before Christmas me and my dad were both on the same page, talked for hours about her and her past history, had the 'aha' moments about her problems, alcoholism, whatever you want to call it. Which, really, it was more 'aha' for him than it was for me - I've been living it for years now.

 

I've always played a major role in sheltering him from her issues....I am the typical youngest child who grew up in an alcoholic home...always trying so hard to maintain status quo, don't upset anything, make sure no one is having a meltdown. Never causing any undo problems.

 

Anyway, of course Dad said "I don't want to put a damper on Christmas."

 

Now, here we are, well past Christmas. I don't call her and she won't call me because I quit answering her nighttime phone calls months ago. So, in her head she's the one who is "mad" at me and taking a stand.

 

We do still talk but it's forced and it's all about my niece. Who I see so much of myself in that it breaks my heart.

 

I know that until I can get the balls to really go off on her we'll still live this life.

 

But how can you just haul off and ream into someone that you know is sick?

 

there's no need to "go off" on her. just step away. stop fixing her messes.

 

she needs to deal with the stuff she is creating. if you keep fixing her stuff for her - she just gets motivated to create more chaos.

 

let HER suffer from the chaos she is creating. as long as you fix it - she is unmotivated to change anything. when it starts to hurt her - THAT is when she may get motivated.

 

did you read the book i suggested? it may change your life... are you going to al-anon meetings? that will change your perspective as well.

 

how can you expect to take care of your sister when you aren't even taking care of YOU first? that is backwards...

[GreenPolicy]

Anyone with a loved one who is addicted ever try this program?

 

A very close family member is an alcoholic and I am at my wit's end.

 

I fear she is going to end up dead or hospitalized or jailed.

 

I don't know how to deal anymore. I just had to pick her up from the police station at 2:30 this morning.

 

She has a young daughter who I adore more than life itself. I'm just so sick and depressed I don't know what to do.

 

She hasn't had her "light bulb" moment and I don't know if she ever will.

 

I feel so helpless.

 

Yeah, I've been to a couple meetings so far. I'm going to keep going. I think over the long run it will help you cope. Just don't expect anything right away.

[trinity1]

I was a member of Al-Anon for eight years. It's a life saver for friends and relatives of alcoholics.