What I thought I'd never go through

[rakodako]

What I never thought I would go through

Hi I am new to this stuff but just feel like I need to talk it out. I just ended a six year relationship with a man who abbused cocaine, alcohol, marijuana, and xanax.

 

I feel as if some of the blame of this ending was to be expected but I being codpendent, thought that by just love alone and good actions he would just change. But he didnt. When I met him he was addicted to crack so what could i possibly expect ( this is why i feel guilty now ). I did not touch any drugs at all for the first 2 years of our relationship and I used to stay up nights with hiim even though i had work or school the next day, Id lie for him, I did everyhting he wanted me to do. I cleaned up his messes, I gave him money, and even drove him to buy his drugs so he wouldnt crash on the way or fall asleep driving. I was the total enabler here. I even started to take a larger dosage of my ADD medicine in order to stay up with him. He is a binge addict. So after he stopped the crack.. (he stopped after we almost got arrested yet by some divine interventionof God it all worled out)...

 

When I met him he was on probation. He had a terrible childhood, was abused as a kid, and had a lot of behavioral problems early on. To make a long story shorter...i moved im with him right away at his mothers house, he violated parole and he had to do 6 months on house arrest where I stayed with him and only left the house to go to work, school. or my parents house. I was with him while he was on probation, house arrest twice, waited a year while he went to prison, sent him money every 2 weeks religiously and visited him every weekend for that year. I took care of his dog, I housed his car in my parents house for that year. When I tell you that I did so much for this guy, i am not exagerating. I even bought him hundreds of dollars in clothes since he had nothing in his closet when i met him. I even decided to switch to a more challlenging job in order to get paid more so we caould move out together. He found a job but was very unstable. Weeks and months would go by and we would be fine, watch movies, go out together and generally have a great relatinoship. I bought a house while he was in prison and had him move in with me when he got out. I even helped him fund his own business and worked with him over a summer before the breakup. He swore he would give me the world and that I was the only girl for him. but the good times were few and far between the bad ones. Soon I was not taking care of myself or buying myself or my house anything. I never had money. I was sad. I didnt care about my appearance anymore, didnt have any of my own friends at all. I was spirallig into depressions.

 

I was always waiting for the ball to drop. Soon he would just binge again and again. Sometimes he could just do coke for a night and swear he would stop when the sun came up. and he would. but other times he would go on 3 week binges where terrible things would happen. I tried being an example for hims and not doing the drugs, thaty didnt help. Soon I did coke with him and would stop for the night but he would keep on. That didnt help. He would be high for weeks on end and the comedowns were terrible. HE would verbally, mentally, psychologically, and physically abuse me during those times. He broke my personal things, and put me in the hospital last year when he punched me in the face. I of course got him a alawyer and had the case dropped. I was just as sick as he was if not sicker.

 

then things would magically get better except for money. I would work and try to pay all the bills and he would be so unstable, he would help me sometimes when he was stable but binge addicts are only a few weeks from falling off the wagon and soon id be left to be the only one providing for the home. He finally was able to get it together enough to reconnect with his daughter. She wanted to live with him so we took her in and things were great. He stopped the drug use and was a really good and happy dad. We had family outings and vacations together, he was working and responsbile but then once again....all it took was for her to go visit her grandparents for a few weeks and hed fall off that wagon. the cycle continued

 

im sorry this is so long but this is 6 years for me. All through this i have managed to stay employed even though there were times my household was so violent i had to sleep in my car and not shower for work bcecause i couldnt go home things were so violent. I am one year away from graduating with my masters degree and i cant even tell you how many times my homelife has been turned upside down due to these problems. Broken glass, my clothes and house trashed...a nightmare but i kept on.

 

As it stands right now...i suspected him of cheating on me as most drug abusers do and i kicked him out of the house. HE had also gave me 2 black eyes last week and a bloody nose so I decided that this was it. I left once before (my own house) last year and he sweet talked me after 3 months gone to return which of course i did. this was when he got his business up and running and we were so happy from about jan- aug. then it all fell apart again.

 

his daughter left and his drug use started again. the girl he is cheating on me with called and told me they had been together since 2 yrs ago off and on and recently connected thru facebook. he told her we were not together which was a lie. i told him he had to leave my house becasue the last time i left and that wasnt right. I bought the placw with my own money and he never paid rent there only utility bills sometimes.

 

i called the cops and they told me i had to evict him. HE WONT LEAVE. I am now with my parents...they hate him.

and in the process of evicting him though the court system. i havent called him or texted him. he hasnt either. its been alsmot 2 weeks.

 

after all of this....why am i sad and feel like i miss him. there were good times and i do think he loved me to the capacity which a narcissist could love anything but i know i deserve better. he has even told me this before when hes tried to break up with me and i wouldnt want to.

 

i know i am sick too. and just as he doesnt want therapy. i am returning to my therapist this week because i dont want to make the same mistakes again and i generlaly feel sad and like a failure. I feel like i have been had. I know i shouldnt have expected anything from him being that i knew who he was when i met him but like most codependents we feel like love can change anyone.

 

WHY AM I SAD?

[Clep]

Have you tried Al-anon? Might be a great help to you.