Going nowhere

[Barbie]

Dear anyone,

 

I desperately need some advice! My boyfriend and I have been together for six and a half years now since I was fourteen and he was thirteen (there's ten months difference between us) and I feel like we're still in the same place we were then, if not worse off.

 

He was the very first real boyfriend I ever had, the first guy I slept with,and my first love but for the first three years of our relationship he treated me like garbage.He used to stop talking to me for months at a time for no reason, lie to me, and constantly break promises and yet I stayed with him.

 

At that age I was very self conscious and believed that I was lucky to be with anyone at all. Finally when I got older I noticed other guys paying attention to me and since I wasn't getting what I needed from my boyfriend I started looking elsewhere. Now don't get me wrong, the sex is fantastic! Physically we are the perfect match, but I am a very emotional and sensitive person and for some reason he just can't seem to be supportive. Once when we broke up I started dating someone else. This guy thought that the sun rose and set just for me. He was everything I thought I wanted, but then my ex showed up and said all the right things and we got back together.

 

Since then he has made some effort to make this relationship work, but it almost seems like I've all ready made up my mind that it's not going to work so I nag about everything and the slightest thing sets me off. I just got tired of being unhappy and now as soon as something happens that I don't like, I pounce.

 

Last year I got pregnant with his baby. The week before I found out he told me that he would be proud to have as the mother of his children, so when I found out that I was pregnant I thought he would be able to accept it and we could make things work and be a family. Well, instead of the reaction I was hoping for he freaked out and wanted nothing to do with me. He said I had ruined his life and he couldn't forgive me. For the next nine months he popped in and out of my life saying that he wanted to be with me but not the baby and I wasn't about to give up the baby.

 

Now, six months after my son was born my boyfriend and I are still together but we may as well still be in high school. He rarely even holds his son and seems to feel no responsability for him at all and certainly never does anything to help out. He talks about us getting married some day and yet he won't move in with me (we both live with our parents), he never signed the birth certificate, he won't even help me go shopping for groceries. It seems like he can't be intimate with me in any way other than sex. It does seem like he's trying to make things work as they are but he seems incapable of having a mature relationship, of being a partner.

 

I am starting to get impatient with him, I'm 21 years old and I want to know if all this work to keep our relationship going for the past six and a half years has been for nothing but he isn't willing to move to the next level. What should I do? Should I wait till he's ready or should I move on with my life?

[Taressa]

You're a sweetie; I hate you've had these rough things happen but I envy the joy that baby must bring to your life.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a nice kid who just isn't ready to grow up and be Dad. I understand that; he's only twenty and has never indicated he was ready for marriage and children. The compliment he once paid you "proud to have you as the mother of his children" was one of those far-off-in-the-futures statements.

 

His continued immaturity now that the baby is here gives me little hope for your relationship to last. His talk continues to be of "someday promises" which never come to fruition. He's just not going to come through for you.

 

You are fortunate than most young women to have a home and parents who have helped you through. You're a mom, now, and you need to make grownup decisions on your own. You need money for that baby; if he won't sign the birth certificate you may need to file a paternity suit to prove he is the birth father. With that proof you can seek child support.

 

Your future is in your hands. The baby's future is in your hands too. Do today what you need to do and don't place your hopes in a boyfriend who has already failed you.

[Tony T]

He has absolutely NO problem at all, you do. He is getting everything he wants from you...and you are getting very little from him.

 

He impregnates you, tells you he would love for you to be the mother of his children...then practically disowns you when you become pregnant. Does he understand that he was fifty percent of that deal??? Is he stupid???

 

Now, you had that experience with him and you continue to have sex with him, knowing fully he doesn't like children and knowing fully that he does not accept any of the oblifations of fatherhood. Who's fault is that? If you get pregnant again, you know it will drive you further apart.

 

Do you wait around for him? He may never change. But he has clearly shown you he is not a man of honor or responsiblity. He wouldn't even sign his own child's birth certificate. He is a scumbag and the poorest excuse for a human being you could find. I'm really sorry...and I sincerely hope your child is raised by a father who will enstill sound morals, ethics and values.

 

Dump this guy right now and go find yourself a loving man who will honor his obligations, who will not abandon you and his own child when you need him the most, and a man who wants you for more than just sex.

 

And STOP having sex with him before you get pregnant again!!! The past six years have not all been for nothing. You were able to gather conclusive proof that this guy would be worthless as a husband, father, provider, companion, etc. WORTHLESS!!! Just sorry it took you so long to find out but at 13 years of age you didn't know what to look for. But you are 21 now, a lot wiser, and you have no excuses for sticking with this lowlife.

 

What a super bum this guy is!!!

[Barbie]

You're a sweetie; I hate you've had these rough things happen but I envy the joy that baby must bring to your life. Your boyfriend sounds like a nice kid who just isn't ready to grow up and be Dad. I understand that; he's only twenty and has never indicated he was ready for marriage and children. The compliment he once paid you "proud to have you as the mother of his children" was one of those far-off-in-the-futures statements. His continued immaturity now that the baby is here gives me little hope for your relationship to last. His talk continues to be of "someday promises" which never come to fruition. He's just not going to come through for you. You are fortunate than most young women to have a home and parents who have helped you through. You're a mom, now, and you need to make grownup decisions on your own. You need money for that baby; if he won't sign the birth certificate you may need to file a paternity suit to prove he is the birth father. With that proof you can seek child support. Your future is in your hands. The baby's future is in your hands too. Do today what you need to do and don't place your hopes in a boyfriend who has already failed you.

The one thing that suprises me about my boyfriend's reaction about the baby is that he never questioned the fact that it was his baby. If he did then maybe I could understand his reason for not wanting to be a part of this child's life and why he's having such a hard time accepting him. As for child support, my boyfriend seems to believe that actually doing that would mean that he was accepting the fact that he is now a father.

 

Part of me wants it to all be over so I won't have my boyfriend in my life anymore, but I can't do that. We now have a son together and so we will always have a connection, I mean if he does want to be a part of my son's life I can't deprive either of them of that.

 

I am trying so hard to relax and give my boyfriend a chance to absorb what has happened, but it's the little things that he refuses to do. My son's first day of daycare was very traumatic for me. The night before I explained to my boyfriend that I was very upset about it, to which he didn't have much to say, and then when I called the next day to get a little support he didn't even talk to me! He told me to call back because he was playing video games. The next day he told me he had forgotten about the daycare thing because he didn't think it was a big deal. Before that I had complained that we never went anywhere (movies, museums, parks, ect) alone together and he said that he never took me anywhere because I always complain that he never takes me anywhere. What does he expect me to do when in six and a half years I could count the amount of times we went out alone together on one hand?

 

I don't think that I'm asking for too much. A little support now and then and some time alone away from parents, his friends and the bedroom. It's just so hard to let go.

[Taressa]

Hi again, Barbie,

 

There's just no way to understand situations like this until you force yourself to see your boyfriend for what he really is. The hopes you hold for him right now are strictly built on wishful thinking. If he wanted to be the father to your child he would be there with you.

 

He has demonstrated a terrible lack of commitment, lack of maturity, and lack of concern for you and the baby. If he'd rather throw quarters down a video game than spend time with you, I say he's not worth the quarter it would take to call him.

 

Let go of false wishes and take a strong stand on behalf of your child. It's time to grow up and make a life with that baby. You've got to be strong for him; his relationships will mirror the relationships you teach him. Teach him to value people who demonstrate respect and love. Teach him to recognize empty words and to avoid people who speak them.

 

It hurts you, I know, to say goodbye to the hope you've held for so many years. Cut the strings that bind you to the past and start now on your future.