I've made the mistake of being friends with my ex...

[Quantum_Nuka]

I'm finding it hard to totally ignore him right now.

I'm torn right now between NC and LC :/ Even after everything that's happened I am still in the state of mind, I want him back. I think if I start a hobby and do more things with friends this will pass. I have already made plans to go out this weekend (not to the same places he will be).

 

I'm not contacting him though which is a big deal to me, some times, like weekends; I will want to contact him but I will not be doing that this weekend. If he drunk texts me I will ignore it.

 

Going through these pages today and reading other peoples experiences... I need to get strong. Someone wrote somewhere "You gave up on me, but I would never have given up on you" or something along those lines. I need to keep this in mind when he tries to make contact and that may make NC easier?

[Quantum_Nuka]

Sorry, I'm a bit all over the place today - Confused.

I'm going for a long drive soon to the shops for night shopping to clear my thoughts.

[Leandro]

I'm finding it hard to totally ignore him right now.

I'm torn right now between NC and LC :/ Even after everything that's happened I am still in the state of mind, I want him back. I think if I start a hobby and do more things with friends this will pass. I have already made plans to go out this weekend (not to the same places he will be).

 

I'm not contacting him though which is a big deal to me, some times, like weekends; I will want to contact him but I will not be doing that this weekend. If he drunk texts me I will ignore it.

 

Going through these pages today and reading other peoples experiences... I need to get strong. Someone wrote somewhere "You gave up on me, but I would never have given up on you" or something along those lines. I need to keep this in mind when he tries to make contact and that may make NC easier?

I know its hard to cut contact, but its the best thing for you right now.

 

That's good that you're making plans already. You're sounding stronger already.

 

Remember that he did give up on you!! You know you deserve better too!

 

Keep it up .

[9Lives]

Thanks Leandro I like reading your posts/log.

And it's true, it's good to see the progression throughout the diary. I'll get there eventually.

 

He contacted me today via text. It was random, I replied but I was short, right to the point. He sent another one and I did not reply to it. Usually, I would have replied to it and been the last person to send a message but not this time.

Sounds kind of petty when I put it in words but I'm showing self control by not sending more and more texts trying to get a conversation out of him (if that makes sense?).

 

it sounds petty but it really not. You are use to be a nice person and letting people lead. Its time for YOU to lead. I was the same way. He has a girlfriend right? If he does, why is he still calling you and texting you all the time? What is that about?

 

I been thru this, it is better to really put alot of distance between you two until you are not into him anymore if not, it is just painful and waste of time.

[9Lives]

I'm finding it hard to totally ignore him right now.

I'm torn right now between NC and LC :/ Even after everything that's happened I am still in the state of mind, I want him back. I think if I start a hobby and do more things with friends this will pass. I have already made plans to go out this weekend (not to the same places he will be).

 

I'm not contacting him though which is a big deal to me, some times, like weekends; I will want to contact him but I will not be doing that this weekend. If he drunk texts me I will ignore it.

 

Going through these pages today and reading other peoples experiences... I need to get strong. Someone wrote somewhere "You gave up on me, but I would never have given up on you" or something along those lines. I need to keep this in mind when he tries to make contact and that may make NC easier?

 

it is hard to ignore someone you love. I know. Let me ask you a question.

 

Is he saying he wants to get back together?

He is showing you any signs he wants to get back together?

Is leaving this other chic?

 

If he is not trying to get back together but calling and texting, he is putting you in his grey world.....NOT COOOL!!!

 

It is you are working on getting back together or not. This is not a area in your life where grey is acceptable. Take charge of your life.

[Quantum_Nuka]

Thanks 9Lives, your post has helped.

 

No, he isn't saying those things and I am sick of analyzing every little thing he does and sends to me, hoping that it's a sign.

 

He sent me 10 text messages yesterday, I did not reply to them all which is why I think he sent me more than usual.

 

He said he isn't sure about this girl, he confuses me a lot and I am starting to feel like the fall back girl which is what I think you mean about the grey area?

I don't want to be 2nd, I want to be 1st in someones life. I need to respect myself more. I am going out this weekend for a big shopping spree and I am hoping it boosts my confidence a bit as I am buying new clothing and shoes! I know it's material s**t but there's nothing like a new outfit to make you feel good.

 

And I agree, time away from him is best. I won't be seeing him for a while and if he happens to be at the same club as me next weekend, I will hold my head high.

[9Lives]

Thanks 9Lives, your post has helped.

 

No, he isn't saying those things and I am sick of analyzing every little thing he does and sends to me, hoping that it's a sign.

 

He sent me 10 text messages yesterday, I did not reply to them all which is why I think he sent me more than usual.

 

He said he isn't sure about this girl, he confuses me a lot and I am starting to feel like the fall back girl which is what I think you mean about the grey area?

I don't want to be 2nd, I want to be 1st in someones life. I need to respect myself more. I am going out this weekend for a big shopping spree and I am hoping it boosts my confidence a bit as I am buying new clothing and shoes! I know it's material s**t but there's nothing like a new outfit to make you feel good.

 

And I agree, time away from him is best. I won't be seeing him for a while and if he happens to be at the same club as me next weekend, I will hold my head high.

 

I promise you, this is what my ex did and then he met the girl that he was sure of and it all changed. I got kicked to the curb. He was so painful.

 

Tell him that since he has a new girlfriend, quit calling you because you want to get back together. Then walk away. Its the only way to get out of this situation. this guy will do this forever if you let him. He aint no different. Take control. You are not going to get him this way. You need to be free. Q, it really suck but listen to me. I am telling you the truth. Make him respect you Q. He not doing that.

 

Im telling you what I know...I LIVED IT!!!

[Quantum_Nuka]

Well I took the first step today, he texted me twice and I did not respond.

I feel awful but at the same time I feel better... I don't know what the weekend will bring but I think everything is going to be ok

[Quantum_Nuka]

I promise you, this is what my ex did and then he met the girl that he was sure of and it all changed. I got kicked to the curb. He was so painful.

 

Tell him that since he has a new girlfriend, quit calling you because you want to get back together. Then walk away. Its the only way to get out of this situation. this guy will do this forever if you let him. He aint no different. Take control. You are not going to get him this way. You need to be free. Q, it really suck but listen to me. I am telling you the truth. Make him respect you Q. He not doing that.

 

Im telling you what I know...I LIVED IT!!!

 

I read this this morning when I woke and when he texted me, thought of your words! It's really helping, thank you

[Leandro]

Well I took the first step today, he texted me twice and I did not respond.

I feel awful but at the same time I feel better... I don't know what the weekend will bring but I think everything is going to be ok

Keep it up!

[dk.bnz.chi]

why would u want 2 b friends with an ex? is it cuz ure a pathetic p..y and hope for a 2nd chance?

let them be and let them wonder what they have 2 do 2 get u back

[Mishmosh88]

Hi girls, I just made an account because I felt inspired to share my own story (and hopefully it may help you out a little bit). First of all, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I know it's AWFUL I am currently dealing with a very similar situation and I know losing someone you love can be crippling. My ex-boyfriend, too, has recently been very manipulative and it made me realize a lot of things about who he is and what I was enabling him to do, UGH.

 

As background, I'm 23 and my boyfriend and I dated for almost 4 years and broke up in August. For the majority of our relationship, things were very wonderful, I thought I had found one of the "good" ones, and everyone (including his parents, my parents, friends) was feeding me how wonderful they thought we were together. Unfortunately, we were each other's first boyfriends/girlfriends and I guess this caused some problems. A little over a year before we broke up, he told me he wanted some space because "he loved me less" and "didn't know what he wanted anymore because he had never dated anyone else" We ended up staying together that last year, though the whole time he was sending me mixed signals: telling me he loved me less, but still telling me "I can't imagine meeting anyone who is better for me than you" ie or "you're the most amazing/selfless girl I've ever met..." etc. About the time we broke up, yes, he gave me the "I love you as a friend but I'm not in love with you anymore"

 

We stayed in contact the past couple months (August-Novemember), which I think is the phase a lot of you are going through right now. The whole time, we were broken up, and when I asked him about other girls he would say things like "Ha ha I've been out of the dating game for 4 years I don't know how to ask anyone out" "This doesn't have to do with other girls I just want some independence" "I still love you, and worry I'm making a mistake" "you're still the most amazing person I've ever met" "I still want to work things out with you one day" "you are exactly what I'm looking for"...aka UGH feeding me hope and stringing me along. Well, to get to the conclusion of my story, I found out within the last month, he started seeing another girl. And exactly like you all are saying, maybe to ease the blow, whatever, he would say things like "it's not the same as what I had with you"..."It's just fun/new/exciting"..."i don't like her enough to make her my girlfriend" Then literally a few days later he would say something like "things are getting more serious with this girl. I'm going to ask you to not text me as much. But I still want to be with you some day" HA HA. And then, literally two days after he told me that "I realized you are exactly the type of person I want to be with, you are just the wrong girl. I never see us getting back together" I was obviously crushed but I am laughing because it is almost baffling how selfish and cruel he was able to be. How can you be SO cruel to a person you supposidly care about so much? It is insane

 

Anyway, my point is this. I am currently obviously still crushed, because I loved this boy for four years and thought I was going to marry him...but I think I'm doing "okay" right now, because instead of focusing on what I miss about him, I am so so SO ANGRY at him for the way he treated me. And this is what I've realized. It's hard to let go of these boys because 1) you loved them so much for so long and 2) they are not necessarily treating you "poorly". What I mean by that is, they are still being GOOD friends to you guys, listening to you, talking to you, downplaying their new girlfriends, etc. They didn't cheat on you, they didn't walk away rudely, they still act like they care about you, but they're putting their own interests first. And thats what confounded me about this boy for so long...for months, he was feeding me that "I was still the most amazing girl he's ever met", but he wasn't showing it to me. Girls, these boys do care about you, but they're only giving you 75%, or whatever. YOU DESERVE 100%, and nothing less. I'm serious. It's hard to see when you've been with someone for so long, it's hard to believe someone will change, and it's hard to see why someone would walk away from all you have to offer them, especially when they seem to really really like and admire you. but you deserve more than this...you truly truly deserve someone who is going to give you 100%. I know it sucks so much I'll be thinking about you all, and I hope each day gets a little better

[IfiKnewThen]

awesome post. so sad but true mishmosh 88. you should post your story as a "New Thread" so others can read it and entitle it. Facts about being mislead (or something like that. but please do people a favor and repost it.)

 

we hope and hang in there so so much. because 'what if".............what if they DO come back or you do get a second chance. you want to be available. right?

 

but this IS the end result sooooooooooooo sooo often and it seems to be the rule more than the exception. so everyone beware. if they broke up with you..they thought of it long before and were willing to take the chances and consequences. if they keep you as a friend, they are mostly stringing you along. you are no longer their priority

 

i still have hope....but i know...........

now he doesnt even initiate conversation. could use some prayers about now. i do miss my friend.

 

but anyway ladies beware (and men too). when they left you...they were usually strong enough too and had another agenda in mind and are pursuing it. if they can string you along till they cant speak to you anymore...they will

[shocked_confused]

Hi girls, I just made an account because I felt inspired to share my own story (and hopefully it may help you out a little bit). First of all, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I know it's AWFUL I am currently dealing with a very similar situation and I know losing someone you love can be crippling. My ex-boyfriend, too, has recently been very manipulative and it made me realize a lot of things about who he is and what I was enabling him to do, UGH.

 

As background, I'm 23 and my boyfriend and I dated for almost 4 years and broke up in August. For the majority of our relationship, things were very wonderful, I thought I had found one of the "good" ones, and everyone (including his parents, my parents, friends) was feeding me how wonderful they thought we were together. Unfortunately, we were each other's first boyfriends/girlfriends and I guess this caused some problems. A little over a year before we broke up, he told me he wanted some space because "he loved me less" and "didn't know what he wanted anymore because he had never dated anyone else" We ended up staying together that last year, though the whole time he was sending me mixed signals: telling me he loved me less, but still telling me "I can't imagine meeting anyone who is better for me than you" ie or "you're the most amazing/selfless girl I've ever met..." etc. About the time we broke up, yes, he gave me the "I love you as a friend but I'm not in love with you anymore"

 

We stayed in contact the past couple months (August-Novemember), which I think is the phase a lot of you are going through right now. The whole time, we were broken up, and when I asked him about other girls he would say things like "Ha ha I've been out of the dating game for 4 years I don't know how to ask anyone out" "This doesn't have to do with other girls I just want some independence" "I still love you, and worry I'm making a mistake" "you're still the most amazing person I've ever met" "I still want to work things out with you one day" "you are exactly what I'm looking for"...aka UGH feeding me hope and stringing me along. Well, to get to the conclusion of my story, I found out within the last month, he started seeing another girl. And exactly like you all are saying, maybe to ease the blow, whatever, he would say things like "it's not the same as what I had with you"..."It's just fun/new/exciting"..."i don't like her enough to make her my girlfriend" Then literally a few days later he would say something like "things are getting more serious with this girl. I'm going to ask you to not text me as much. But I still want to be with you some day" HA HA. And then, literally two days after he told me that "I realized you are exactly the type of person I want to be with, you are just the wrong girl. I never see us getting back together" I was obviously crushed but I am laughing because it is almost baffling how selfish and cruel he was able to be. How can you be SO cruel to a person you supposidly care about so much? It is insane

 

Anyway, my point is this. I am currently obviously still crushed, because I loved this boy for four years and thought I was going to marry him...but I think I'm doing "okay" right now, because instead of focusing on what I miss about him, I am so so SO ANGRY at him for the way he treated me. And this is what I've realized. It's hard to let go of these boys because 1) you loved them so much for so long and 2) they are not necessarily treating you "poorly". What I mean by that is, they are still being GOOD friends to you guys, listening to you, talking to you, downplaying their new girlfriends, etc. They didn't cheat on you, they didn't walk away rudely, they still act like they care about you, but they're putting their own interests first. And thats what confounded me about this boy for so long...for months, he was feeding me that "I was still the most amazing girl he's ever met", but he wasn't showing it to me. Girls, these boys do care about you, but they're only giving you 75%, or whatever. YOU DESERVE 100%, and nothing less. I'm serious. It's hard to see when you've been with someone for so long, it's hard to believe someone will change, and it's hard to see why someone would walk away from all you have to offer them, especially when they seem to really really like and admire you. but you deserve more than this...you truly truly deserve someone who is going to give you 100%. I know it sucks so much I'll be thinking about you all, and I hope each day gets a little better

 

 

Wowww mishmosh,

 

My bf of 6 years broke up with me a month ago for the EXACT same reasons as yours. He wanted his independence. He moved to a new city and wanted to a live a "new, fun, and exciting" life without me. He didn't cheat, but I'm sure he has his eyes on some "new and fun" girls. I thought we would get married too. We were each other's first bf/gf.

 

I guess that's life. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this.

[shocked_confused]

Oh and we're both 24, similar age to you. I think some people go through a crisis of some sort around this age. He kept saying "I'm only 24, blablabla"...UGH whatever.

 

I've been in NC for over 2 weeks now, and i'm gonna keep moving.

 

I'm wondering...in these types of breakups, does the dumper ever look back and regret what they did? anyone..

[Leandro]

Oh and we're both 24, similar age to you. I think some people go through a crisis of some sort around this age. He kept saying "I'm only 24, blablabla"...UGH whatever.

LOL, when my ex dumped me she told me that "You're 20, you need to be settling down by now". BS!!

 

 

I'm wondering...in these types of breakups, does the dumper ever look back and regret what they did? anyone..

I don't think many regret doing it, but I'm sure there are a few that do.

[9Lives]

I read this this morning when I woke and when he texted me, thought of your words! It's really helping, thank you

 

as you just read...see this is the pattern and you are smack dead in this situation. the good news is you know what's up. a lot of us had to go thru the experience and it left our heads spinning like a mutha. if I was you, I would stop sitting in the back seat. he is calling you a lot and wanting your attention. he has a girlfriend now. so don't be wimpy. as him if we are broke up, why are u calling and texting so much? are u trying to get back with me? what's the deal?

 

either way, you better deal with his ass or your going to get the rug pulled from under your feet one day and it is going to hurt. he needs to be with you or with her...not both

[Quantum_Nuka]

Thanks for everyone contributing to this thread, it seems a lot of us are going through the same heartache.

 

Great post mishmosh, it's eerie how similar all our stories seem to be I'm sorry you're going though the same thing too. It's so hard, and breaking the behaviour of being strung along is very hard... Which is where NC comes in and we must be strong, which is why we're all here on LS!

 

 

shocked_confused - I am 27 but my ex is 24, I think he is going through that 'grass is greener/quater life crisis' bull**** people seem to go through these days. Sometimes I wonder if it's an excuse but I did see him change when we got very close, he sort of 'freaked'.

I think the dumper does look back sometimes, it depends if they feel guilty or not I suppose. I like to think they look back and feel bad but at the same time, if they did, they wouldn't be doing this to us.

[Leandro]

Thanks for everyone contributing to this thread, it seems a lot of us are going through the same heartache.

 

Great post mishmosh, it's eerie how similar all our stories seem to be I'm sorry you're going though the same thing too. It's so hard, and breaking the behaviour of being strung along is very hard... Which is where NC comes in and we must be strong, which is why we're all here on LS!

 

 

shocked_confused - I am 27 but my ex is 24, I think he is going through that 'grass is greener/quater life crisis' bull**** people seem to go through these days. Sometimes I wonder if it's an excuse but I did see him change when we got very close, he sort of 'freaked'.

I think the dumper does look back sometimes, it depends if they feel guilty or not I suppose. I like to think they look back and feel bad but at the same time, if they did, they wouldn't be doing this to us.

I also think that GIGS is a bull **** excuse. I haven't gone threw it because it's not real, simple as that. Some dumpers might feel bad, but that doesn't stop them from hurting us.

[Eternity001]

Oh and we're both 24, similar age to you. I think some people go through a crisis of some sort around this age. He kept saying "I'm only 24, blablabla"...UGH whatever.

 

I've been in NC for over 2 weeks now, and i'm gonna keep moving.

 

I'm wondering...in these types of breakups, does the dumper ever look back and regret what they did? anyone..

 

I do but I couldn't tell you why it's bothering me so much now when it didn't at all for 10 months. The reasons I broke up with my ex a year ago now are all still there but I guess you forget about the negatives after awhile. Main reason why is the bad things in the realtionship on my part were so small but I was so stubborn and didn't give in, that much I regret. I could have made it work but chose not to. I was just a prick about it towards the end and didn't want a bar of her at all, just wanted to hang out with my friends and do what I wanted. I also figure I was that way because I didn't truly love her and was just done (5 years). It was incredibly selfish of me though and she gave me everything 100% of the time.

 

I was in the same frame of mind as previously mentioned at the time though. I didn't see a future after awhile, even though we'd talked about holidaying together, houses and family. I wanted some freedom. It was all about me at the time. If i had of stayed in it it, it would have ended regardless though because in that frame of mind no relationship can ever work if one party is only half in it or in it for convenience and I would have just continued to hurt her to the point where she would have left me anyway.

 

She has kept in contact via text message for the entire time, tried to get me back for 6 months and still wants to be friends to this day. I've only seen her once in that time a couple of weeks ago. These days she just reminds me how I ****ed up and what we could have had and how, I'm the only one she has ever loved etc. Whether it be revenge or for her own personal amusement I don't know, but I bite everytime and end up getting hurt. I guess I deserve it.

 

Now she's moved on (emotionally) and I haven't, funny how that works.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Eternity001

[Quantum_Nuka]

Eternity001... Thank you so much for sharing your story and you being on the other side of the fence. It really gives some understanding towards the 'dumper'.

 

 

'Now she's moved on (emotionally) and I haven't, funny how that works'

That is so sad

 

When she tried to get you back, were you non responsive?

 

I think it's a bit s**t how she is treating you know... I'm not sure if she has moved on emotionally if she is treating you like this, it's like she is trying to get you back for how you hurt her... And if she didn't care any more then I don't see why she is giving it the time of day.

I can understand why people want revenge or to make the other person feel like total s**t but for me, regardless of the situation; I'd never treat my ex like that even though he hurt me.

It gains nothing and makes you look silly.

[dk.bnz.chi]

i'm just thinking that we all should have a drink

[Mishmosh88]

I do actually think a lot (not all) but a lot of the time, the one who does the breaking up, ie breaks the other person's heart, does feel a bit of remorse, regret and saddness. But it's not overwhelming or significant, and they probably manage to distract themselves from it by getting with somebody else. So yeah, I think they do feel bad from time to time, but for our sake's...we'll probably never know about it and it doesn't really make any different to how our lives play out.

 

But if it makes you feel a little better to think about how your ex is probably suffering too (and they probably are, just in a different way) I don't think it's bad to think about from time to time haha.

[Quantum_Nuka]

lol Mishmosh, I agree - It's okay to think about from time to time.

 

Day 3 of NC... I know it's not much but it's better than nothing. I haven't gone this far before without caving.

I feel some sort of clarity too... I don't know why. I must have had a good dream last night, I just feel at peace right now.

 

So what if he has a new girlfriend, good luck with that.

I'm going to focus on myself, go to University and be successful

[Eternity001]

Eternity001... Thank you so much for sharing your story and you being on the other side of the fence. It really gives some understanding towards the 'dumper'.

 

 

'Now she's moved on (emotionally) and I haven't, funny how that works'

That is so sad

 

When she tried to get you back, were you non responsive?

 

I think it's a bit s**t how she is treating you know... I'm not sure if she has moved on emotionally if she is treating you like this, it's like she is trying to get you back for how you hurt her... And if she didn't care any more then I don't see why she is giving it the time of day.

I can understand why people want revenge or to make the other person feel like total s**t but for me, regardless of the situation; I'd never treat my ex like that even though he hurt me.

It gains nothing and makes you look silly.

 

I know she still cares about me, she always will. I was her first everything pretty much. I was fine for 10 months, met someone else and was with her for 5 months. Didn't work out we were too different but it was great for awhile. A couple of months ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not sure why or what hit me but I haven't stopped thinking about her since. Today I feel like I just got broken up with. It's all very confusing because I don't know why. I know I don't love and her and I know there's no future there but I'm miserable. I think I'm just lonely and a lot of 'what if's' are creeping into my mind.

 

I always blew her off about meeting up or getting back together because I'm not a big believer in being friends with ex partners and I wasn't interested at the time in being back in a relationship with her.

 

I really need to break contact I suppose but I find it impossible to let go and a lot of her stuff is still at my house. It's just a power game now I think, she's wants me in her life but not romantically. She's happy being single and happy in herself but is also very happy knowing I care about her. She likes to remind me often of the mistakes I made and what we could have had now etc.

Edited December 6, 2010 by Eternity001