BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[Ms. Red]

That's so sad for those kids. He's an idiot. He obviously didn't take their feelings into consideration at all. I feel bad for them. And he calls their Mom a whore to them.....pathetic. Low....just really low.

 

(Good to see you, missed you.)

[lkjh]

Teens are old enough to understand what is going on.

 

You can't pretend to care about the children after you helped break up their family. I'm sorry but the husband telling the kids is nowhere near as stupid and selfish as you purposely moving back into their family

 

The kids have a right to know why their parents split. The 16 year old is old enough to handle this and it would eventually get back to the younger ones.

 

What would you want the H to do? Lie to the kids and tell them that you are a super great guy who loves and respects them enough to not interfere with their family.

 

Iam sorry but I doubt you care so much about the kids wellbeing and more about your relationship hitting a rough spot. Most likely you were probably hoping your relationship could be rosy and perfect

[lkjh]

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to understand this?

 

And, based on this, it seems less like you are less upset at "hurting" the kids than looking like the "bad guy". And let's face it, from the xH's point of view and likely that of the kids - you are.

 

So, depending on the age of the children, I have no real issues with this.

 

Did you think that this could be hidden forever?

 

 

 

100% correct. This post has nothing to do with the kids but more of his image

 

 

The family has a right to know

[michelangelo]

So the man tells his children the truth about your intrusive impact on his marriage, helping their mom tear apart their world and all you are concerned about is how finding out the TRUTH will harm them?

 

Is this worse than actually destroying the family unit?

 

He did them a favor, IMHO.

 

Their mother owes them a huge apology and an attempt to repair her relationship with them.

 

As for you? Too bad if the well has been poisoned for you.

[FanFan]

I can't believe he did this.. What a stubborn jerk, I am sorry. But this is FOREVER... He can't get ot back. The vision the kids have of their mother is forever altered. I don't care what the think about me (of course this is not 100% true) but in the scheme of things.... The kids have been meeting me, and they liked me, SLOWLY. Now, that is wrecked.... I am the home wrecking bastard that "stole mommy away from daddy".

 

Is he wrong?

[greengoddess]

So the man tells his children the truth about your intrusive impact on his marriage, helping their mom tear apart their world and all you are concerned about is how finding out the TRUTH will harm them?

 

Is this worse than actually destroying the family unit?

 

He did them a favor, IMHO.

 

Their mother owes them a huge apology and an attempt to repair her relationship with them.

 

As for you? Too bad if the well has been poisoned for you.

 

I could not agree more. This man had MULTIPLE ddays with you and his wife. He kept quiet through multiple ddays. He probably just could not stand the thought of the person who contributed to multiple ddays, were not talking about one, were talkinging about continuing the affair after multiple ddays, being involved in his kids lives. He probably thought his kids were now old enough to handle this information and did not want you getting close to them.

 

This is the repercussions of having an affair. You can not expect people to keep your dirty little secret.

[WTFBBQ]

Hanging garland. Is that what they call it now? Stop the bulls-it. You know you were working your way back into her pants. He may be divorced, but he's not stupid.

 

Put yourself in his shoes why don't ya.

[greengoddess]

Actually you have to commend the husband. He went through multiple ddays and also a divorce without ever telling his children why. He really took the high road. I'm sure the divorce really hurt the kids and I'm sure there were many times he wanted to tell them how hard he tried to keep the marriage together but mom would not leave mr. horny alone.

 

The last straw was probably after all these years of your involvement with his family seeing you back again playing happy family hanging garland and he just did not want you involved with his kids because he then would have to have involvement with you.

 

lol you are lucky he never kicked your ass. It wasn't his actions of telling the kids that made them lose respect for their mom. It was their moms actions coming out to the truth to them that caused this.

 

She did this. You did this. Now you have to sit down and be honest with those kids and tell them the truth. Don't sugar coat it. They will not respect a lie. You want to fix it you have to be totally honest with them. They are old enough to know.

[Ms. Red]

I could not agree more. This man had MULTIPLE ddays with you and his wife. He kept quiet through multiple ddays. He probably just could not stand the thought of the person who contributed to multiple ddays, were not talking about one, were talkinging about continuing the affair after multiple ddays, being involved in his kids lives**. He probably thought his kids were now old enough to handle this information and did not want you getting close to them.

 

This is the repercussions of having an affair. You can not expect people to keep your dirty little secret.

 

(**He was NOT involved in the kids lives....they never knew or met him until after the divorce. Just wanting to set the record straight.)

 

Yeah....take your rage out on the OM......if it makes you all feel better. But to dump the Adults.....love lives onto the children and make them feel the pain that the spouse feels and drag them into the Adult's love lives is just totally WRONG! The children should NOT be brought into that crap. It's between the spouse/X-spouse and should NOT be dumped on the children. How anyone can support what the father dumped on them and think that was OK.....I don't get it. The parents adult problems should NEVER be dumped on kids.

 

I can't believe that some of you support that & think he did the right thing! The children should never hear the bull$hit about their parents and what goes on in their personal love lives. JMO.....I think the father was way out of line to put that stress and mental anguish on his children.

[greengoddess]

(**He was NOT involved in the kids lives....they never knew or met him until after the divorce. Just wanting to set the record straight.)

 

Yeah....take your rage out on the OM......if it makes you all feel better. But to dump the Adults.....love lives onto the children and make them feel the pain that the spouse feels and drag them into the Adult's love lives is just totally WRONG! The children should NOT be brought into that crap. It's between the spouse/X-spouse and should NOT be dumped on the children. How anyone can support what the father dumped on them and think that was OK.....I don't get it. The parents adult problems should NEVER be dumped on kids.

 

I can't believe that some of you support that & think he did the right thing! The children should never hear the bull$hit about their parents and what goes on in their personal love lives. JMO.....I think the father was way out of line to put that stress and mental anguish on his children.

 

 

:laugh: Um so the affair is ok but telling the truth about the affair is not? Um ok got it.

 

I did not say he was involved in the kids life. That is probably why the husband kept his wifes little secret after multiple ddays and even a divorce but he probably had enough when he saw this man was about to be involved with his kids.

[thomasb]

I could not agree more. This man had MULTIPLE ddays with you and his wife. He kept quiet through multiple ddays. He probably just could not stand the thought of the person who contributed to multiple ddays, were not talking about one, were talkinging about continuing the affair after multiple ddays, being involved in his kids lives. He probably thought his kids were now old enough to handle this information and did not want you getting close to them.

 

This is the repercussions of having an affair. You can not expect people to keep your dirty little secret.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. He isn't the bad guy here. You are. You invaded these childrens' lives and helped split their home in two. He was only being up front and honest. I applaud their father for telling them the truth. Only with the true facts can they deal with their feelings. I always wonder why everyone says to tell the BS the truth but feel you should lie to the children. I think everyone involved has the right to know.

[greengoddess]

I couldn't agree more. He isn't the bad guy here. You are. You invaded these childrens' lives and helped split their home in two. He was only being up front and honest. I applaud their father for telling them the truth. Only with the true facts can they deal with their feelings. I always wonder why everyone says to tell the BS the truth but feel you should lie to the children. I think everyone involved has the right to know.

 

Can you imagine if the kids grew to love miso horny and then found out 15 years from now from some nosey body the truth of their relationship? Imagine the betrayal these kids would feel from all thhree of them. It's better to have come out now then to continue to lie to the kids and form a relationship with them. FACE IT AND FIX IT instead of getting angry with the kids dad.

[Ms. Red]

Ok fine. I'm trying to see your point in all of this. (addressed to the posters below my post) Even though I don't get why children should be "in the know" of their parents love lives.

 

But do you really agree that the father was positive in telling them the truth when he called her a whore to them? That's just a low effing blow that he wanted to put out there to hurt her. IMO, the children should never hear that $hit about their mother. That's just soooo wrong and the children should NOT have to deal with the controversy between their parents and hear that.

 

Can we agree on that at least? That was just soooo wrong!

[Snowflower]

I don't see the problem with the BH telling the kids the real reason why the marriage ended and why Miso is in the lives of his kids. Hey, it's the truth!

 

I do agree that the way the BH spilled it was harsh with the name calling.

 

I wonder why, after all this time, the BH decided to spew the ugly truth? Was it the upcoming holidays? Was he at a low moment? Or did something else happen?

 

I do agree that children need to be told the truth. Especially teens...they are very aware of the harsh realities of the world.

[greengoddess]

Ok fine. I'm trying to see your point in all of this. (addressed to the posters below my post) Even though I don't get why children should be "in the know" of their parents love lives.

 

But do you really agree that the father was positive in telling them the truth when he called her a whore to them? That's just a low effing blow that he wanted to put out there to hurt her. IMO, the children should never hear that $hit about their mother. That's just soooo wrong and the children should NOT have to deal with the controversy between their parents and hear that.

 

Can we agree on that at least? That was just soooo wrong!

 

 

If he had the compassion to go through multiple ddays and divorce without telling the kids the truth then I doubt he called her a whore. That is probably how the wife interpreted her actions through the kids eyes. no one wants their children to know they are having sex outside of the marriage and may feel awful when it comes out. Especially if the wife had taught her children not to sleep around that respectful ladies and gents have sex for love.

[Owl]

Did the father actually use that term, "wh*re"?

 

Were any of us present to know exactly how this was presented to the kids? Really? Was the wife there and relayed it to Miso (heya compadre mio!)? How did Miso get the information of what went down?

 

Here's my thought.

 

BH owed Miso not one bit of respect, especially when he learned that Miso was back in her life. Sorry bro...just how I feel.

 

You can't expect that he'd EVER accept you as anything but the role you once played...OM. That's how he's going to feel...and it's not likely to EVER change.

 

I don't see where he (the BH) is wrong for telling the kids the truth about what happened, and why the marriage ended. What words were used to describe the situation is something that none of us probably know for sure unless there's a recording.

 

But the truth is the truth. She cheated, with you, and that resulted in a heck of a lot of emotional devestation for him, and ultimately destoyed their marriage.

 

How did being told the truth of what happened hurt the kids themselves? It probably hurt you, it probably hurt her, and it may well have changed their perception of the both of you...but frankly my friend, it's a perception that the two of you earned with your actions over years.

 

Part and parcel of cheating.

 

And Miso...ya know I like ya man.

 

But your thinking is a bit skewed here my friend.

[woinlove]

Ok fine. I'm trying to see your point in all of this. (addressed to the posters below my post) Even though I don't get why children should be "in the know" of their parents love lives.

 

But do you really agree that the father was positive in telling them the truth when he called her a whore to them? That's just a low effing blow that he wanted to put out there to hurt her. IMO, the children should never hear that $hit about their mother. That's just soooo wrong and the children should NOT have to deal with the controversy between their parents and hear that.

 

Can we agree on that at least? That was just soooo wrong!

 

Yes, calling the mother a whore is really bad behavior. However, I wasn't sure this is what the father did. Although miso horny used quotes around this statement, as if it were straight from the father's mouth, first how would he know unless he was present and second the quote doesn't quite ring true. Would he really start with "hey kids, guess what" for this kind of outburst? So, I'm assuming this is miso horny's own take on it, but, of course, I would like to hear from him as to what he knows about exactly what words were used. His initial post said the father told them everything, which would indicate he said more than a few lines of profanities.

 

As to understanding the "other side", imagine a questions along the lines: Hey, Dad, Mom introduced us to a "good friend" (how miso horny refers to himself) of hers, miso horny, and he's been fixing up our house for us. Do you know him?

 

I'm not saying the kids asked anything like that, but kids aged 10-16 who have been through the kind of trauma these children have, are astute and will naturally wonder where this "good friend" came from. It is a bit much, and not healthy for anyone, to expect their father to collude in their deception.

 

They had to be told something at some time. Ideally, this would have come from their mother and father together. It seems the two parents are not working as a team on this and perhaps that is too much to expect, but that is what would be best for the children. Exactly how miso horny was to be introduced to the children should have been a team effort, if both parents had the children's best interests in mind.

 

The father likely has the excuse that this was sprung on him unexpectedly and he reacted hastily under the circumstances. But, really, what was the mother thinking?

[jthorne]

Who cares why or how he did it. Those kids deserved to know, and so what if he did it on his terms and not yours. They would have found out anyway. What's done is done.

 

What matters now is how YOU handle it.

 

You may not see it, but he gave YOU an OPPORTUNITY. Yes, an opportunity. An opportunity to show those kids that you are not a coward.

 

Step up. Be a man. Admit what you (and she) did. Admit your mistakes and errors in judgment. Tell the truth. Don't hide, don't be a coward. Accept whatever they throw your way. Answer whatever questions they have. Respect them and whatever feelings they have.

 

Don't hide. Don't blame the BH for how they found out. Don't create more drama.

And if you really care about their mother, don't hide behind her either and expect her to clean up the mess you both created.

 

Face it head on and STEP UP.

Edited November 30, 2010 by jthorne

[2themoon&back]

Ok fine. I'm trying to see your point in all of this. (addressed to the posters below my post) Even though I don't get why children should be "in the know" of their parents love lives.

 

But do you really agree that the father was positive in telling them the truth when he called her a whore to them? That's just a low effing blow that he wanted to put out there to hurt her. IMO, the children should never hear that $hit about their mother. That's just soooo wrong and the children should NOT have to deal with the controversy between their parents and hear that.

 

Can we agree on that at least? That was just soooo wrong!

 

I agree with you…

 

As far as telling the “dirty little secret” IMO, the father was being very selfish in the manner he informed his children, there was a much better ways to handle this. He chose to use his own feelings of anger to hurt his kids and pit them against the mother.

 

If he was thinking of his kids, he would have acted like the adult and cared about what effect his words would have on his children then and later.

 

Please do not give this man an excuse to behave badly, because he may have had several D-Days and that is his pain to deal with.

 

D-Days are not a good reason to act out and hurt his children IMO the WS yes the children no. The WS did hurt her children as well by having the A, but the BS and WS have divorced and they both have to keep thier children safe from themselfs when and where they can.

 

I agree the children have a right to know some things but I also think there is a much healthier way to inform them then the route he took.

[Owl]

OK, re-reading the thread I see where Miso describes the encounter.

 

I'd agree that BH didn't handle it well.

 

I'd still say that it wasn't the kids that were hurt by his statement, but the two that were "busted" were the ones truly hurt. The kids are now going to see them in a different light... rightfully so actually.

 

I'd agree...he was probably shocked/hurt/angered beyond belief when he walked up and saw Miso there.

 

Frankly, it could have been far, FAR worse. He could have reacted MUCH worse than he did.

 

And sorry Miso...personally...I think that you should have seen this coming man.

 

You've posted here long enough to know how this stuff plays out. This should have come as NO shock to you...and if you were going to "get back into her life" you should have already had a plan on how to deal with this. Like I've said...you've seen enough here to know what COULD have happened.

[Snowflower]

Please do not give this man an excuse to behave badly, because he may have had several D-Days and that is his pain to deal with.

 

 

Truth is, we don't know any more than what Miso is posting. What was really said and exactly how it all went down is still unknown to posters here.

 

But why, oh why, is the BS expected to take the high road in all this? He (the BH) is supposed to deal with this painful situation with complete composure and know exactly what to do at all times? :rolleyes:

[greengoddess]

Truth is, we don't know any more than what Miso is posting. What was really said and exactly how it all went down is still unknown to posters here.

 

But why, oh why, is the BS expected to take the high road in all this? He (the BH) is supposed to deal with this painful situation with complete composure and know exactly what to do at all times? :rolleyes:

 

Yea it sounds like he took the high road for a long time...seriously imagine how he probably felt when he saw mr. horny interacting with his kids after everything that went down.

[2themoon&back]

Truth is, we don't know any more than what Miso is posting. What was really said and exactly how it all went down is still unknown to posters here.

 

But why, oh why, is the BS expected to take the high road in all this? He (the BH) is supposed to deal with this painful situation with complete composure and know exactly what to do at all times? :rolleyes:

 

I only need miso's truth; it is his thread, so I have to go with that. He asked the questions, all I did was give MO.

 

I never said that the BS should take the high road, but I do think he acted in a way that was hurtful to his children and two wrongs do not make a right, nor does he know how this could backfire on him. Calling her a wh*re is childish and doing so in front of his children may make his children judge him for loving one.

 

The BH should keep composure and know what is best for his children, they are already hurt at no fault of their own, why do more damage just because you can.

[OWoman]

Hey Miso, long time no see! Glad to see you're still with us - even if the circumstances suck

 

My H's kids were within the same age bracket during the A. At the point we decided to be together, he spoke to them, told them we'd fallen in love and wanted to be together, told them that he was going to leave their mother - but not them - and answered their questions. He gave them my email address and mobile no (with my permission) and we chatted and got to know each other a bit, virtually. They were onboard with the looming separation, and he took them to family counselling (the BW refused to go) to work through any issues before and during the split. Kids that age are not "too young" to be told of such things (the split, and the reason for the split - as in, "I've met someone else that I love, and want to be with"; not as in "your mother is xyz"!) but it needs to be done carefully, in an age-appropriate way and in a supportive environment, where they are the centre of the discussion, not one of the parents' unresolved emotions. Telling them should be about the kids, not about the parents venting.

 

Transferring your own emotional waste onto kids is not only immature, IMO, it's also incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Damaging the kids to get back at the parent is an old trick - estranged fathers coming back to kidnap and kill the kids; betrayed mothers pushing cars with sleeping kids over cliffs; etc. This is merely a milder version of the same.

[Mimolicious]

Ah! The same old principle... Don't like the reaction after the action. (never fails). Just as everyone else is told, we cant control what other people do. He couldn't control his cheating W from getting with you, she couldn't control herself to do things in a better fashion, for the sake of her children. You, the same. Whether what he did is wrong or right, a little late now...

 

Poor kids.