BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[woinlove]

A lot of people are assuming that the father called the mother a whore to their children. Perhaps he did, but I think this would need to be clarified by miso horny. After all, he started this thread with the description:

 

Couple of Ddays, many years and H ends up divorcing MW... Now, I am back into the picture a "little" and exH finds out (there is a story) and has a little powwow with the kids and tells them everything, blaming ME for the end of the marriage and I am a loser scumbag dip****....

 

If he called the mother a whore, I would have definitely put that in the opening post, or even the thread title, as that would have a much, much larger impact on the children than calling some man they just met a "loser scumbag dip****".

 

And how could he get these quotes anyway? Given that he says he doesn't know the children well, don't these have to go from the father to the children to the mother to miso horny to LS? Did anyone paraphrase along that chain?

 

My takeaway message from miso horny's post was that he was very upset that the father told his children about the affair and about his relationship to their mother and father. Maybe I am wrong and miso horny really does know what language was used and that is what he is upset about. If the latter, I understand and agree completely. If the former, I don't agree with his view.

[Mimolicious]

I can't believe he did this.. What a stubborn jerk, I am sorry. But this is FOREVER... He can't get ot back. The vision the kids have of their mother is forever altered. I don't care what the think about me (of course this is not 100% true) but in the scheme of things.... The kids have been meeting me, and they liked me, SLOWLY. Now, that is wrecked.... I am the home wrecking bastard that "stole mommy away from daddy".

 

 

But what exactly is a lie in all that? Wasnt she cheating on her H with you?

 

You know, I went through this and it actually amazes me how adults could give 2 rats ass about children when they are having a little fun. Actions are exposed and people are outted for their behavior, all of the sudden everyone else is the "bad guy". I think is not kosher to tell small children, yet these are the same children that one day will grow to be adults. Do you honestly think that in 10 yrs from now they wont find out the truth?

 

So it is ok to build relationships with children on a foundation of lies?

 

Unfortunately, even 20yrs from now you will still be in those children's eyes the person who got in between their parents. Even adult children, have a hard time processing issues between their parents, especially when infidelity was the deal breaker. Unless your case is extreme and these kids didn't want their mother with their father, due to abuse, etc...

[scatterd]

I beleive that even though your children heard you cheated it wont matter much they will love you the same.Kids are smarter then we think they know their is bitterness and will figure they love you and respect you the same as they did.I was told the same when I was younger and took it with a grain of salt.

[Spark1111]

I apologize for not knowing your entire back story.

 

Multiple DDays, he files for divorce, you guys go on the down low, and there you are hanging garland at his home where his children reside.

 

I'd say that is probably as big a stressor for a man as can be imagined.

 

Did she convince him, or evade his questions asking if you were still in the picture?

 

Do you know specifically what she told him regarding you? And your relationship with her?

 

Yes, he was wrong for calling their mother and you demeaning names. That's childish and hurtful.

 

But then, was anyone acting like an adult throughout this drama?

 

Miso, the question NOW is who will be the adult? Who will step up to the plate and take ownership of their actions? Who will parent these kids with honesty and kindness?

 

What is the PLAN?

[jthorne]

Transferring your own emotional waste onto kids is not only immature, IMO, it's also incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Damaging the kids to get back at the parent is an old trick - estranged fathers coming back to kidnap and kill the kids; betrayed mothers pushing cars with sleeping kids over cliffs; etc. This is merely a milder version of the same.

And this is exactly what Miso will be doing if he doesn't step up and accept responsibility. Should he continue to whine and complain about what an SOB the BH is for tattling, he's no better than the BH who could have handled the situation better.

[Mimolicious]

I agree with you…

 

As far as telling the “dirty little secret” IMO, the father was being very selfish in the manner he informed his children, there was a much better ways to handle this. He chose to use his own feelings of anger to hurt his kids and pit them against the mother.

 

If he was thinking of his kids, he would have acted like the adult and cared about what effect his words would have on his children then and later.

 

Please do not give this man an excuse to behave badly, because he may have had several D-Days and that is his pain to deal with.

 

D-Days are not a good reason to act out and hurt his children IMO the WS yes the children no. The WS did hurt her children as well by having the A, but the BS and WS have divorced and they both have to keep thier children safe from themselfs when and where they can.

 

I agree the children have a right to know some things but I also think there is a much healthier way to inform them then the route he took.

 

 

 

The bolded- this can apply to all parties involved. Not only words, also actions.

[greengoddess]

The bolded- this can apply to all parties involved. Not only words, also actions.

 

LOL yep. They had multiple ddays and never once cared about how these ddays would affect the kids or the family. They just kept at it. The husband divorced her all the while being the bigger person and not telling the wifes secret and now he is this horrible person because they started up again and he just finally had to tell the kids the truth? It just amazes me some peoples thought processes on here. They make no sense and are so full of double standards about how people are expected to act.

[lkjh]

Ok fine. I'm trying to see your point in all of this. (addressed to the posters below my post) Even though I don't get why children should be "in the know" of their parents love lives.

 

But do you really agree that the father was positive in telling them the truth when he called her a whore to them? That's just a low effing blow that he wanted to put out there to hurt her. IMO, the children should never hear that $hit about their mother. That's just soooo wrong and the children should NOT have to deal with the controversy between their parents and hear that.

 

Can we agree on that at least? That was just soooo wrong!

 

 

 

First off because its their lives too and the OM refuses to leave. Second you must be a cheater or OW/OM if you honestly believe that affairs should be kept from everyone and the cheating parties should be allowed to go on as if nothing happened.

 

 

Don't you get it? The H life and kids was destroyed because of the selfish acts of this man and the W and they refuse to do anything that benefits other people.

 

Cheaters will never be able to see the perspective from other peoples eyes because you all are too selfish

[lkjh]

Hey Miso, long time no see! Glad to see you're still with us - even if the circumstances suck

 

My H's kids were within the same age bracket during the A. At the point we decided to be together, he spoke to them, told them we'd fallen in love and wanted to be together, told them that he was going to leave their mother - but not them - and answered their questions. He gave them my email address and mobile no (with my permission) and we chatted and got to know each other a bit, virtually. They were onboard with the looming separation, and he took them to family counselling (the BW refused to go) to work through any issues before and during the split. Kids that age are not "too young" to be told of such things (the split, and the reason for the split - as in, "I've met someone else that I love, and want to be with"; not as in "your mother is xyz"!) but it needs to be done carefully, in an age-appropriate way and in a supportive environment, where they are the centre of the discussion, not one of the parents' unresolved emotions. Telling them should be about the kids, not about the parents venting.

 

Transferring your own emotional waste onto kids is not only immature, IMO, it's also incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Damaging the kids to get back at the parent is an old trick - estranged fathers coming back to kidnap and kill the kids; betrayed mothers pushing cars with sleeping kids over cliffs; etc. This is merely a milder version of the same.

 

 

 

I couldn't help but laugh at this. Telling the kids the truth about whats going on in their lives after enduring multiple ddays is somehow equal to killing children in the mind of a cheater

 

 

Look the truth is what damaged the kids is the parents splitting up in such a nasty way, and that happened because of the affair

[lkjh]

I only need miso's truth; it is his thread, so I have to go with that. He asked the questions, all I did was give MO.

 

I never said that the BS should take the high road, but I do think he acted in a way that was hurtful to his children and two wrongs do not make a right, nor does he know how this could backfire on him. Calling her a wh*re is childish and doing so in front of his children may make his children judge him for loving one.

 

The BH should keep composure and know what is best for his children, they are already hurt at no fault of their own, why do more damage just because you can.

 

 

Informing the kids(who are teens) about why their parents divorced and cannot get along is not"doing damage just because you can". He has no other option.

 

What do you think he should sit back and allow this man to be around his children?

[spice4life]

Hey Miso, long time no see! Glad to see you're still with us - even if the circumstances suck

 

My H's kids were within the same age bracket during the A. At the point we decided to be together, he spoke to them, told them we'd fallen in love and wanted to be together, told them that he was going to leave their mother - but not them - and answered their questions. He gave them my email address and mobile no (with my permission) and we chatted and got to know each other a bit, virtually. They were onboard with the looming separation, and he took them to family counselling (the BW refused to go) to work through any issues before and during the split. Kids that age are not "too young" to be told of such things (the split, and the reason for the split - as in, "I've met someone else that I love, and want to be with"; not as in "your mother is xyz"!) but it needs to be done carefully, in an age-appropriate way and in a supportive environment, where they are the centre of the discussion, not one of the parents' unresolved emotions. Telling them should be about the kids, not about the parents venting.

 

Transferring your own emotional waste onto kids is not only immature, IMO, it's also incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Damaging the kids to get back at the parent is an old trick - estranged fathers coming back to kidnap and kill the kids; betrayed mothers pushing cars with sleeping kids over cliffs; etc. This is merely a milder version of the same.

 

Excellent post OW!

 

miso, I know that you feel hopeless right now because of what he has done but things can be turned around if the adults involved take the initiative to do it. Divorce is hard and people act out sometimes. Now that what is done is done, it is time to start figuring out the best way to solve the problem instead of saying the damage is permanent. Counseling will help. And, if you plan on hanging around OW's post quoted above provides some excellent advice.

 

If you want to throw the towel in you can, but what is that going to solve? You are a part of this now, so you should be there for her to help her through this. I guess the important question here is, do you have what takes to make it through this challenge? It's a hurtful challenge, but it can be worked through if you are willing to be an adult about it and deal with it.

[Owl]

Excellent post OW!

 

miso, I know that you feel hopeless right now because of what he has done but things can be turned around if the adults involved take the initiative to do it. Divorce is hard and people act out sometimes. Now that what is done is done, it is time to start figuring out the best way to solve the problem instead of saying the damage is permanent. Counseling will help. And, if you plan on hanging around OW's post quoted above provides some excellent advice.

 

If you want to throw the towel in you can, but what is that going to solve. You are a part of this now, so you should be there for her and help her through this. I guess the important question here is, do you have what takes to make it through this challenge? It's a hurtful challenge, but it can be worked through if you are willing to be an adult about it and deal with it.

 

 

What "problem" specifically are you talking about resolving?

 

How the kids feel about their mother's (and Miso's) actions, now that they're aware of them?

 

What is it specifically that you'd expect to change to fix "the problem"?

[2themoon&back]

LOL yep. They had multiple ddays and never once cared about how these ddays would affect the kids or the family. They just kept at it. The husband divorced her all the while being the bigger person and not telling the wifes secret and now he is this horrible person because they started up again and he just finally had to tell the kids the truth? It just amazes me some peoples thought processes on here. They make no sense and are so full of double standards about how people are expected to act.

 

You are correct about all parties having equal parts in the breakdown of the M, except for the children.

 

I am just saying there is a more appropriate way to handle this with the children, a kinder way than to call their mother a who*e. That is the BS’s opinion of her, to the children she is their mother.

 

This made BS look mad and bitter, which he is entitled to be but not to use that entitlement to sway his children to hate their mother. Because he got hurt more than once, BS could have ended the M the 1st D-Day and not had several DDay hurts, but he chose not to, this still does not excuse his action.

 

And don’t be amazed by others thought process here, it is an open forum and there are points of views from all different directions--- just be ok with yours, I am.

[sally4sara]

I think its awful that a parent would unload that kind of stuff onto their kids.

 

But!

 

Anyone who decides to get into an affair when kids are involved did so knowing there was a chance the kids would find out. That didn't stop them from going ahead and having an affair.

 

So OP, it happened. You knew it might happen from go. I don't see the point in getting on a soap box over how they found out. They're not your kids so the how and what of what their parents do in regards to them is between MW and her husband.

Is it because this is your only chance at looking at her husband as the bad guy? Is it because he didn't just silently hand his family over to you? Sure its going to make it harder for you to be accepted by these kids, but you didn't mind making his home life harder either.

 

I just don't see you as being much different than he is now.

[herenow]

Had my H and I divorced and he "dated" the OW, I would feel the need to tell my kids the truth. Why? Because I would want them to hear it from me. I would never want to be in a position where they question why they didn't know the truth.

 

Our kids are aware of my H's addiction. They know that he has made some mistakes in life and now goes to AA meetings. It is vital that they know this.

 

Since the OW is not in our lives and the kids have never met her, we don't feel the need to tell them about her. If it should happen that she appears some day, we would be honest with the kids about who she is and the poor decision that their dad made.

 

In my H's case, he accepted responsibility for his actions and made a choice to get help for his addictive behavior. IMO, his post affair actions make him a positive role model for our kids. If it ever becomes necessary to tell them about the OW, it would fit with the truth they already know.

 

Since we were separated for a while, we did not hide that we had problems in our marriage. But, had we not reconciled and he did start to date the OW, they wold have been told the truth.

 

Telling the kids the truth can be the best way to avoid confusion in an already difficult time. It's not always about spite or anger. IMO

 

And, just to add: If a parent is not prepared to answer to his or her own kids for his or her actions, maybe the parent should re-think the actions.

Edited November 30, 2010 by herenow

[greengoddess]

You are correct about all parties having equal parts in the breakdown of the M, except for the children.

 

I am just saying there is a more appropriate way to handle this with the children, a kinder way than to call their mother a who*e. That is the BS’s opinion of her, to the children she is their mother.

 

 

I tend to believe that who*e was mr. horny's words and not the bs. If the bs was compassionate enough to keep it a secret over a whole divorce process then I doubt he would tell his kids their mom was a wh*re. We will have to wait and see what mr. horny says about this.

[spice4life]

What "problem" specifically are you talking about resolving?

 

How the kids feel about their mother's (and Miso's) actions, now that they're aware of them?

 

What is it specifically that you'd expect to change to fix "the problem"?

 

The parents are divorced, so now it's time to move forward. What is done is done there is no going back. So they have to deal with what is in front of them and figure out how to move forward in the best possible way for the kids. That is all I am saying. Now that it is out in the open what else can they do but deal with it.

 

Is the mother suppose to just let what the father has said sit and fester with the kids and do NOTHING about it? Or should she stand up and take responsibility for what has happened and take action to figure out a way to mend it and help her kids through this? What is the better choice in this circumstance?

 

I am not saying that the A was right and that they need to convince the kids of such or anything like that. I am not saying that the exH husband doesn't have a right to feel angry and hurt either. All I am saying is that now that this has happened they need to solve the issue in the best way possible. It's happened, that's reality, so what is the next step? I think counseling is the only way to go IMHO.

[2themoon&back]

I tend to believe that who*e was mr. horny's words and not the bs. If the bs was compassionate enough to keep it a secret over a whole divorce process then I doubt he would tell his kids their mom was a wh*re. We will have to wait and see what mr. horny says about this.

 

fair enough then

[herenow]

What we don't know is why the BH told the kids.

 

Maybe he has concerns about Miso being part of his kid's life and he felt it necessary for them to know the truth.

 

We don't know exactly what was said or how he said it. But, we do know hat he didn't say anything until Miso became part of their lives again (post divorce I think).

 

It is possible that his actions were what he felt was best for the well-being of his kids.

[spice4life]

The parents are divorced, so now it's time to move forward. What is done is done there is no going back. So they have to deal with what is in front of them and figure out how to move forward in the best possible way for the kids. That is all I am saying. Now that it is out in the open what else can they do but deal with it.

 

Is the mother suppose to just let what the father has said sit and fester with the kids and do NOTHING about it? Or should she stand up and take responsibility for what has happened and take action to figure out a way to mend it and help her kids through this? What is the better choice in this circumstance?

 

I am not saying that the A was right and that they need to convince the kids of such or anything like that. I am not saying that the exH husband doesn't have a right to feel angry and hurt either. All I am saying is that now that this has happened they need to solve the issue in the best way possible. It's happened, that's reality, so what is the next step? I think counseling is the only way to go IMHO.

 

I guess a better way to put it is this; the mother needs to stand up and take responsibility for her actions and deal with it HONESTLY to help her kids through this.

[2themoon&back]

[/b]

 

 

Informing the kids(who are teens) about why their parents divorced and cannot get along is not"doing damage just because you can". He has no other option.

 

What do you think he should sit back and allow this man to be around his children?

 

I stated in early post on my thought about this, the parents should agree on what the children need to know and have that talk with the children. IMO that is what is best for the children.

 

and no this man can do as he feels, but if the mother chooses to have a relationship with the OM after the divorce then that is her right as well, so the adult parties involved need to have heart to heart on what they each want for the children and what is the next step.

 

The BS's problems are his problems not the children’s problems, he needs to deal with them in a way that does not cause more hurt to his children.

 

Did the children say thanks dad for pointing out that mom had an affiar with this man which broke up our family, so we dont ever to be around him and her ......? Thanks! I doubt they did this nor will they.

[greengoddess]

I stated in early post on my thought about this, the parents should agree on what the children need to know and have that talk with the children. IMO that is what is best for the children.

 

and no this man can do as he feels, but if the mother chooses to have a relationship with the OM after the divorce then that is her right as well, so the adult parties involved need to have heart to heart on what they each want for the children and what is the next step.

 

The BS's problems are his problems not the children’s problems, he needs to deal with them in a way that does not cause more hurt to his children.

 

Did the children say thanks dad for pointing out that mom had an affiar with this man which broke up our family, so we dont ever to be around him and her ......? Thanks! I doubt they did this nor will they.

 

Do you not agree that the kids would be terribly hurt by all three parties and feel betrayed if they found out ten years from now that a man they have a built a relationship helped cause the destruction of their family?

[herenow]

I stated in early post on my thought about this, the parents should agree on what the children need to know and have that talk with the children. IMO that is what is best for the children.

 

and no this man can do as he feels, but if the mother chooses to have a relationship with the OM after the divorce then that is her right as well, so the adult parties involved need to have heart to heart on what they each want for the children and what is the next step.

 

The BS's problems are his problems not the children’s problems, he needs to deal with them in a way that does not cause more hurt to his children.

 

Did the children say thanks dad for pointing out that mom had an affair with this man which broke up our family, so we dont ever to be around him and her ......? Thanks! I doubt they did this nor will they.

 

It is possible that this father felt he was doing the best thing for his kids by telling them the truth about a man who is now in their lives.

 

They may not thank him now, but they will always know that he was the one that had the courage to be honest with them. Trust in a parent goes along way.

 

If what he said makes their mother look "bad", well maybe she should have thought about that when she was acting in a way she didn't want her kids to know about.

 

BTW, did the mother have a "heart to heart" with her H before she had an affair? Why is it the BH's responsibility to deal in a way that doesn't cause hurt when the actions of the WS is what caused the hurt in the first place? Once again expecting the BH to have more consideration that the WS. Why is that?

Edited November 30, 2010 by herenow

[Snowflower]

BTW, did the mother have a "heart to heart" with her H before she had an affair? Why is it the BH's responsibility to deal in a way that doesn't cause hurt when the actions of the WS is what caused the hurt in the first place? Once again expecting the BH to have more consideration that the WS. Why is that?

 

Yep, this is the point I was trying to make earlier in the thread. Of course, the BS is supposed to take the high road and be the adult. The AP and WS are allowed to do whatever they want and cr*p on everyone's lives and the BS is supposed to be superhuman and know exactly what to do and say at all times. :rolleyes:

 

I hope Miso will come back and give additional information about what the BS actually said.

 

I also still think there is more to the story. What brought this about now, after the divorce?

 

However, a good point was raised: children do love their parents no matter what. It takes a lot to break that parent-child bond and even if the BH did spill all and tell the children their mother was a "wh***" and that the OP was the scumbag who helped her, it likely won't permanently impact her relationship with her children.

[herenow]

However, a good point was raised: children do love their parents no matter what. It takes a lot to break that parent-child bond and even if the BH did spill all and tell the children their mother was a "wh***" and that the OP was the scumbag who helped her, it likely won't permanently impact her relationship with her children.

 

And if it does impact the relationship with their mother, who is at fault for that?

 

Hey, they may resent their father for telling the truth, we have no idea. But if that happens, it will be the result of his choice to tell them the truth.