BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[whichwayisup]

What we don't know is why the BH told the kids.

 

Maybe he has concerns about Miso being part of his kid's life and he felt it necessary for them to know the truth.

 

We don't know exactly what was said or how he said it. But, we do know hat he didn't say anything until Miso became part of their lives again (post divorce I think).

 

It is possible that his actions were what he felt was best for the well-being of his kids.

 

My guess is, BH dropped by the house and wasn't expecting to see miso there, hanging garland and looking comfortable around his ex and his kids. He reacted on the spot without thinking. I doubt very much this was pre planned in the sense of "if I ever find miso around my kids, i'm telling them the truth", unfortunately what's done is done, as I and others has said. The truth is out, MW, BS need to now sit down and have an honest talk with the kids, and as mentioned numerous times, do family counseling together, for the kids sake. That has to be the focus for them and play the blame game of who is worse than the other.

 

mis, just back off and let them sort this out, or try to, k.

[sally4sara]

You know, there are many things that happened in my family that I didn't know about till much much later. Sure some of those discoveries left me wondering why they felt it was best to not let me in on it.

 

But the vast majority, learning of it as an adult, I could clearly see I was being shielded from subjects they felt was not kid appropriate. I didn't feel betrayed by their wanting me to be protected from that knowledge as a child.

 

But I am thinking about how I would have felt if I was a child who's parents divorced over an affair and then the AP became a factor in my life. If I found out later that I'd been naively led into an association with someone who had so little regard for the stability of my family, and by one of my parents to boot?

I'd be pissed as hell! But not at the BS parent. For that parent I'd have sincere sympathy for having carried that pain in silence and all the more pissed at the WS for capitalizing on the BS being silent and isolated in their pain knowing I was growing closer to someone who caused so much unrest. For the BS who stayed silent, I'd still understand the motivation behind not informing me as a child.

Knowing as a child would/could change me into a more negative person and cause me undue stress that robbed me of my innocence before I developed my own adult honor code to handle such knowledge.

 

So I still don't think it was the best idea to fill them in.

[herenow]

My guess is, BH dropped by the house and wasn't expecting to see miso there, hanging garland and looking comfortable around his ex and his kids. He reacted on the spot without thinking. I doubt very much this was pre planned in the sense of "if I ever find miso around my kids, i'm telling them the truth", unfortunately what's done is done, as I and others has said. The truth is out, MW, BS need to now sit down and have an honest talk with the kids, and as mentioned numerous times, do family counseling together, for the kids sake. That has to be the focus for them and play the blame game of who is worse than the other.

 

mis, just back off and let them sort this out, or try to, k.

 

Agree, but it has to start with everyone accepting responsibility for their actions.

 

There are many cases where, as part of the divorce, the OW/OM is not allowed to be around the kids. Some parents insist on this for reasons of their own. Maybe this father would have made that part of the agreement had he known that his ex was going to date the OM. We will never know his reasons, but we must consider that he had a reason to do what he did.

 

Like you said, now that it is done, maybe therapy would be a good idea.

[Snowflower]

And if it does impact the relationship with their mother, who is at fault for that?

 

It would be her own fault. However, the BH is supposed to take the fall for telling the truth-whatever the truth is and if that is what indeed happened.

 

That is the part that I have a problem with. Why is the BS to blame for telling the kids the truth of the situation?

 

Hey, they may resent their father for telling the truth, we have no idea. But if that happens, it will be the result of his choice to tell them the truth.

 

Exactly. If he did tell the kids in a cruel, harsh way and the kids are distraught and end up resenting him for his harsh approach (again, if that even happened), then those are the consequences of his actions.

[Mimolicious]

Had my H and I divorced and he "dated" the OW, I would feel the need to tell my kids the truth. Why? Because I would want them to hear it from me. I would never want to be in a position where they question why they didn't know the truth.

 

Our kids are aware of my H's addiction. They know that he has made some mistakes in life and now goes to AA meetings. It is vital that they know this.

 

Since the OW is not in our lives and the kids have never met her, we don't feel the need to tell them about her. If it should happen that she appears some day, we would be honest with the kids about who she is and the poor decision that their dad made.

 

In my H's case, he accepted responsibility for his actions and made a choice to get help for his addictive behavior. IMO, his post affair actions make him a positive role model for our kids. If it ever becomes necessary to tell them about the OW, it would fit with the truth they already know.

 

Since we were separated for a while, we did not hide that we had problems in our marriage. But, had we not reconciled and he did start to date the OW, they wold have been told the truth.

 

Telling the kids the truth can be the best way to avoid confusion in an already difficult time. It's not always about spite or anger. IMO

 

And, just to add: If a parent is not prepared to answer to his or her own kids for his or her actions, maybe the parent should re-think the actions.[/QUOTE]

 

Great post! Actions come before reactions and you can't stop the reactions but only control your actions. (Geez! too much action there. lol!)

[whichwayisup]

Agree, but it has to start with everyone accepting responsibility for their actions.

 

There are many cases where, as part of the divorce, the OW/OM is not allowed to be around the kids. Some parents insist on this for reasons of their own. Maybe this father would have made that part of the agreement had he known that his ex was going to date the OM. We will never know his reasons, but we must consider that he had a reason to do what he did.

 

Like you said, now that it is done, maybe therapy would be a good idea.

The blame game now, if it happens and I'm sure it will, has to now stay between MW and BH. Away from the kids.

 

BH probably should have been given a heads up by MW that mis was back in the picture.. And that probably is an issue going on inside his head.

[lkjh]

I stated in early post on my thought about this, the parents should agree on what the children need to know and have that talk with the children. IMO that is what is best for the children.

 

and no this man can do as he feels, but if the mother chooses to have a relationship with the OM after the divorce then that is her right as well, so the adult parties involved need to have heart to heart on what they each want for the children and what is the next step.

 

The BS's problems are his problems not the children’s problems, he needs to deal with them in a way that does not cause more hurt to his children.

 

Did the children say thanks dad for pointing out that mom had an affiar with this man which broke up our family, so we dont ever to be around him and her ......? Thanks! I doubt they did this nor will they.

 

 

 

For starters they did not get involved after a divorce, their relationship started while the W and H were married and it directly led to the divorce. Second, you cannot expect the H to go on acting like nothing happen and the kids have a right to know why their parents hate each other. And yes I can assure that while the H may love his ex as the mother of his children he most defiantly hates her.

 

Second you can throw the "the parents should talk and agree non-sense" out in this situation. A affair eliminates all of that. The wife and OM were not and currently not acting in a honest and open manor.

 

 

Your advice works perfect in a prefect situation but the affair caused way too much damage for it to work.

Edited December 5, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[U2RockZz]

i don't really see anything wrong in what he said or what he did.....you go and have an affiar,which was the sole reason why they got divorced(at least he thinks that).....now you play friend to her while he is there....

[miso horny]

My guess is, BH dropped by the house and wasn't expecting to see miso there, hanging garland and looking comfortable around his ex and his kids. He reacted on the spot without thinking. I doubt very much this was pre planned in the sense of "if I ever find miso around my kids, i'm telling them the truth", unfortunately what's done is done, as I and others has said. The truth is out, MW, BS need to now sit down and have an honest talk with the kids, and as mentioned numerous times, do family counseling together, for the kids sake. That has to be the focus for them and play the blame game of who is worse than the other.

 

mis, just back off and let them sort this out, or try to, k.

 

kids were NOT there. He brought them, to HER house, not their house (meaning she moved). He just showed up...

[greengoddess]

kids were NOT there. He brought them, to HER house, not their house (meaning she moved). He just showed up...

 

Isn't HER house as you put it, also the childrens other home?

 

Did he call her a whore to the children?

Is she still even after being divorced lying to him about you?

[thomasb]

Yep, this is the point I was trying to make earlier in the thread. Of course, the BS is supposed to take the high road and be the adult. The AP and WS are allowed to do whatever they want and cr*p on everyone's lives and the BS is supposed to be superhuman and know exactly what to do and say at all times. :rolleyes:

 

I hope Miso will come back and give additional information about what the BS actually said.

 

I also still think there is more to the story. What brought this about now, after the divorce?

 

However, a good point was raised: children do love their parents no matter what. It takes a lot to break that parent-child bond and even if the BH did spill all and tell the children their mother was a "wh***" and that the OP was the scumbag who helped her, it likely won't permanently impact her relationship with her children.

 

 

I don't think he knows jack about the conversation between the betrayed fathers conversation with his children. Children are smarter than these despicable cheaters think and probably have had an inkling all along. The betrayed father has only, finally, explained to the children, honestly, that their mother is cheating. Big deal. Their suspicions have probably only been confirmed. They are children. But they are not stupid. Mine were not. Their lives are primarily focused on their parents. My children knew before my DW. At least the oldest. Who promptly clued in the younger. I'm glad they did... as we could not have dealt as a family with the aftermath with mis-truth-half-thruths and out and out lies.

[miso horny]

Thanks for all of the replies. I just want to say that I just think, and I believe most of you feel the same way, that telling the kids the way that it happened was wrong. I am not saying that they didnt deserve to know, but it should have been done differently. Maybe the BH could have "forced" a talk with them, with both of the parents there or better yet, in front of a counselor. But here is the hand that has been dealt, and this is what everybody has play.

 

Mommy had a talk with each and every one of them last night, and they love their mommy. There was some good and not so good moments, but in the end, I think it will all be OK...

 

I will update more later.

 

Thanks again.

[jwi71]

JW, I have always respected you and I believe you me.... It is unfair (probably by the lack of info on my part) to say that I am more concerned about "me". NOT the case. There are now 4 very confused children (10-16) who are now hurting and confused about their mother. And yes, me. A "good friend" that they have recently met, that is "helping mom around the house" doing the "man things" to make things better.

 

Fair enough.

 

For the record, we are NOT dating, we aren't "together", we aren't a "couple" HE JUST SHOWED UP SATURDAY while I was hanging garland outside......

OK. So why were you there? Are you certain you aren't looking/wanting more? In any case, you do realize how that APPEARED to the BH. That YOU stole his family. And he reacted - poorly I might add.

 

and then he he did this, "hey kids, guess what, your mother is a whore and that piece of sh*t is her boyfriend, who knew she had 4 kids but decided to wreck our family anyway..."

While I will always maintain that kids deserve age appropriate truth, this wasn't it. There is a time and a place for this discussion. And angrily lashing out is NEVER it.

 

And here is what I decided long ago. As you may know, I am a BH with 2 small kids who also deserve the truth. My decision pertaining to their lives and the D from their mother is this:

 

They don't ask, I won't tell.

 

That information, in my view, can only serve to hurt the children if they are not asking as to the "why are you D" question. However, should they ask, and I believe they will (my 7 year old is already curious about this) I will provide age appropriate truth. And yes, it scares the hell out of me. I really DON'T want to go there. It would only serve to strain already rocky relationship with their mother. But I will NOT lie.

 

In light of that...the BH was CLEARLY WRONG. The actions self-serving and damaging to the children.

 

The real question is what to do NOW.

 

And you answered it. Family counseling for them. Maybe IC for the children to help them work through this mess.

 

For you and the lady in question...what do you WANT? How do you see this ending for you two? Married?

 

The BH is a factor you cannot control. All you can do is react - yes, it sucks. The therapy, being open and honest, and being yourself (and not the monster you are painted to be) is your BEST tool for combating this.

 

Basically, prove the BH not true. And that means owning the shyt you and her created (from the kid's perspective I mean). Be the step-father. Lead by example.

[Enema]

I guess the BH could've either:

 

1) Lied to the kids

2) Blamed the mommy

3) Blamed the OM

 

Lesser of 3 evils is you.

[Darth Vader]

This is what I was hoping to hear.... Hearts are hearts... I was wrong to have the affair, she was wrong to have the affair. THEY divorced. The only people he hurt was his own children... We ended the affair... but we did love each other and were taking baby steps tp whereever the lead to, which might have been no where, and now this.... HIS KIDS ARE HURT

 

 

True, but YOU helped to hurt those kids! Screwing another mans wife and her cheating on her husband and on her kids!

[Darth Vader]

I can't believe he did this.. What a stubborn jerk, I am sorry. But this is FOREVER... He can't get ot back. The vision the kids have of their mother is forever altered. I don't care what the think about me (of course this is not 100% true) but in the scheme of things.... The kids have been meeting me, and they liked me, SLOWLY. Now, that is wrecked.... I am the home wrecking bastard that "stole mommy away from daddy".

 

 

The part bolded, this is also TRUE! You said it yourself! It's better that the children know who the Devil is that helped destroy their home!

[2themoon&back]

Do you not agree that the kids would be terribly hurt by all three parties and feel betrayed if they found out ten years from now that a man they have a built a relationship helped cause the destruction of their family?

 

Yes I do agree the kids have a right to know.... but the way they find out is more important and in this insistence there was a better way.

[miso horny]

Like I said earlier, mom had a chance to talk with the kids (the two oldest separately, and the 2 youngest together) and here is some of what was said.

 

First, she siad how sorry she was for their pain and confusion, and said that what their father told them was true, EXCEPT, that I was the big, bad monster that he said I was and that I was not the "cause" of them divorcing. She admitted to them that she handled everything wrong and that she hurt their father very very badly. She admitted that the affair was wrong, and that her and me were wrong and she was sorry.

 

She said she was sorry that they found out the way that they did, but she had hurt their dad and he was very mad. And she was sorry.

 

The oldest (a girl) just hugged and hugged her and told her that she loved her and that it would all be OK. She said "mom, I want you to be happy too". She said though that she wished she didnt know this....

 

The next oldest (a boy) was upset that she didnt tell him, but that he was OK.

 

The two youngest (both girls) were talked to together and the youngest was just fine (maybe not understanding the enormity of it all?) and the other too was upset that she wasnt told sooner, but she loved her mom.

 

A little later, they all talked together for a little bit and the subject of "me" was approached. She flat out asked them if they didnt want me to be around at all, whether for a minute, an hour or at all... They all said that they were OK with it, and that they liked me. ****this does NOT mean that there are any plans or that I will see them any time in the near future, so don't go there please****

 

anyway, thats all I got for now, things could change in regards to their feelings and I will expect that they will, many, many different times.

[miso horny]

Yes I do agree the kids have a right to know.... but the way they find out is more important and in this insistence there was a better way.

 

Now that a day has passed it is "water under the bridge", so to speak. And many have said that it is how things are played out from here on out. And right now, from my side of things, there is nothing to do. Which means exactly that, I will do nothing. I will not be seen, or heard, not for a good while.....

 

And for the record, I think that there is some relief that they do know now, obviously we all agree it should have been handled differently, but it is better than them finding out years down the road. (unless we were dead, like in Bridges of Madison County)

[Owl]

Miso...

 

I've got one question for you...

 

 

The last you and I had talked, you were angry with how she handled this with her H, and how you were dealt with as well.

 

How did you go from that to this???

 

You don't sound at all like the same guy you were the last time we talked...you sound very much like the guy you were when you first arrived here.

[miso horny]

True, but YOU helped to hurt those kids! Screwing another mans wife and her cheating on her husband and on her kids!

 

I know this..... I am not denying it or trying to act in any way that says that I am not at fault!

[miso horny]

Miso...

 

I've got one question for you...

 

 

The last you and I had talked, you were angry with how she handled this with her H, and how you were dealt with as well.

 

How did you go from that to this???

 

You don't sound at all like the same guy you were the last time we talked...you sound very much like the guy you were when you first arrived here.

 

I am not that guy by any stretch... Not at all. If you only knew (and none of you will) what has been going on with me and how life has changed. I am only a friend. I do help her out with some things (and selfishly, I need that too). I don't sleep with her, we don't "date", we just are friends. I do hate the way she handled everything. And I will NEVER forget it. And she knows this.....

[awkward]

I feel really bad for the kids. I'm also happy to hear that you aren't involved with her romantically. You really came a long way and people still refer others in pain to your posts.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Darth Vader]

I know this..... I am not denying it or trying to act in any way that says that I am not at fault!

 

 

Apparently not, you see, with being there with his Ex, it's like you rubbed it in his face, like saying: "I've got your wife, and now I've got your children, what are you gonna do about it"!

 

This man absolutely HATES YOUR GUTS! He probably wants you to DIE!

 

Put yourself in his shoes, and you will see that he's completely justified in his actions and feelings!

 

He doesn't want you to be loved by his children, he doesn't want you to take them away from him too!

 

He sees you as a cold hearted Mu*********** Bastard who stole his family!

[2themoon&back]

What a load of crap. For starters they did not get involved after a divorce, their relationship started while the W and H were married and it directly led to the divorce. Second, you cannot expect the H to go on acting like nothing happen and the kids have a right to know why their parents hate each other. And yes I can assure that while the H may love his ex as the mother of his children he most defiantly hates her.

 

Second you can throw the "the parents should talk and agree non-sense" out in this situation. A affair eliminates all of that. The wife and OM were not and currently not acting in a honest and open manor.

 

 

Your advice works perfect in a prefect situation but the affair caused way too much damage for it to work.

 

I almost thought not to respond to this but I feel it needs to be addressed so here it is.

 

1. I am aware the A came before the D that was not the issue of this thread, so no need to address it.

 

2. If the A is the reason for the D—then IMO, w and H, should have told children the truth in a safe and loving way. (Perfect world –no ---healthier –yes) then there would not have been a need for such outburst from the H.

 

3. Weather xH loves his xW is neither here nor there and those are his issues, nottools to hurt his own children with.

 

IMO children should never be aware that parents hate each other in this way, only that they could not live together for these reasons xyz. (She’s a wh&re) not good.

 

I am fully aware of the effects an A, does to an entire family and how it is handled for the sake of the children is in a way that is best for the children period, no matter if you’re the WS, BS, or OW/OM. For we are the adults and the ones that must take full responsibility in the part we played in the situation.

 

And we are all accountable for our actions even BS along with WS, OM/OW, there are no good excuses for bad behavior for any.

 

So no matter what pain we are going through, knowingly hurting your children is a bad decision and will not justify the end result.

 

still may be a "load of crap" to you, but its just MO.