BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[greengoddess]

weird considering...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2694730&postcount=30

[goingstrong]

He is an a$$... The BS, not you.

 

 

I don't agree with that. Miso is as a$$ as well by cheating with another man's wife. The rest

 

 

I am sorry but regardless of what the two of you did the kids should have been protected. In my opinion he is a shi*y selfish person to burden his children with that knowledge. Yes he's hurting s d thinks u stole his family away but that is not something kids of that age need to know, ESP at their age.

most people can agree upon.

[jthorne]

Dude, you know I like you, but I gotta call you out. You don't know those kids. You love her, so you love what she does. Your feelings for them are directly related to your feelings for HER. So let's not try to pussyfoot and look benevolent. If you weren't still seeing her (And don't lie about that either, you ARE seeing her. If you weren't, what BH said wouldn't have mattered.) those kids wouldn't be that much different from a lot of other kids. JMO. I love my husband dearly, but I do not love some of his relatives by default just because he loves them and I love him. It kind of shows how far you have your head up your --- over this woman and your dreams of a fairytale ending. Your fairytale ending has already been flucked up by all that's happened, much of it her doing. Yet, you still have stars in your eyes over her no matter what she does.

I don't they think you are a good man.

Maybe, maybe not, but I do believe he is redeemable.

But he first has to be honest with himself and everyone else.

Bent was right, he need to keep working on himself, and the kids need family counseling. I'd think everyone involved needs quite a bit of work.

 

It's a big mess. But there is also the potential for all to do some work and be better people in the end, including the kids. It just depends upon who is willing to do the work and/or give the kids the opportunity.

 

I think if our dear OP really wants to show that he cares, he would do whatever to make kids counseling happen- whether it be encouraging mommy or even offering financial assistance if needed to make it happen.

 

Those kids are the most important thing here. Their health and wellbeing should be first and foremost before anything. ALL parties need to respect that.

[goingstrong]

I do Believe that you care for these kids. I'm sure it didn't start our that way but honestly...you are at the house hanging freaking garland not sneaking around having sex all day with their mother. Garland...helping around the house. Doing things to make life easier for her and the kids.

 

He is just going in for the re-tap...all that stuff is fluff to get into her pants. It is not innocent, helpful stuff at all, but quite the contrary and self serving.

 

4321....your cheerleading for him is probably the worst stuff I've read on here.

Edited December 1, 2010 by goingstrong

[vanilla chai]

He is just going in for the re-tap...all that stuff is fluff to get into her pants. It is not innocent, helpful stuff at all, but quite the contrary and self serving.

 

4321....your cheerleading for him is probably the worst stuff I've read on here.

 

ITA!!! You know people will do and say things out of hurt and anger. This man has been betrayed by his wife numerous times, and for added measure he finds out miso is "hanging garland" and doing other things around the house.

 

Come on miso you can't possibly be pissed cause this man told his kids the truth? Let me ask you a honest question. did you think of any consequences when you were activly involved with this woman?

[Hazyhead]

Don't take this the wrong way, but it was a mistake, her mistake to allow you to meet and be around the kids. That should have taken place way more into the future and you say you're barely in her life, just starting out. So, why involve and be around the kids so soon? Even as a "friend" or a helping hand around the house. Remember, SHE needs to learn be independant and do things on her own without a "man" bailing her out. She needs to be on her own for a while too.. More than you realize. And it's obvious you still have trust issues with her, yet still love her. DON'T push or rush things. And don't let her manipulate you into rushing it either. Again, she needs to learn to do things on her own, BE on her own when the kids are with their father. It'll help grow her up and face afew things I think she still needs to face..

 

I think this is great advice. When you've waited (kinda) for somebody for so long, even if it has been a long time since you have thought it a possibility, or even wanted it to be so, it must be so tempting to cling on to her, to help her and support her. It has always seemed to me like she is the kind of woman that likes to be looked after, apologies if that's wrong, and you the kind of man that would do that. But rushing anything would perhaps be hard on the relationship and those around her.

 

I don't think her xH handled it well, but I can kinda see why he did it - he must still hurt from everything that's happened and he sees you as a huge catalyst for that. Plus, she should have told him that you were around again, it's not fair for you or him to just have it incidentally discovered. Furthermore, I think she should have been the one to tell the kids in the first place, but I'm glad she has done now. I hope you're okay. The last thing I would want is for you to get hurt here, but I wish you the very best, and if that's her then she should count herself very lucky that after everything, you are still there for her.

 

Maybe keep a little distance at the moment, though.

[pureinheart]

NO, I havent forgotten, and I will NEVER forget. I may never even be able to forgive... BUT, I am in this place of at least "seeing" what may remain. That's all. And now this. THIS could have been prevented, IF she would have done the "right" thing, but once again, she didnt. I am just now wrapping my head around this part. I forgot how stupid this place can be with instant judgement and the lack of "helping" a person figure things out AS they are happening. I am disappointed in you too.

 

This could have been prevented if she would have clued exH in on the fact that I was barely back into her life, but that I was... She waited for this to happen. And the more I think about it, the more disappointed I am in her and less I am in him... What he did was wrong. What she didnt do was wronger (kidding with that word) what she didnt do, again, was the "right" thing

 

 

Based on various things "mentioned" in the beginning of the thread, I think I know who you are, although am not familiar with your story except for the basics...

 

I have to ask...they are D now...what business is it of his what goes on in her personal life...they are exes now....

 

Ya, no lie dude, the "helping" part really lacks!

 

Anyway...haven't had a chance to read the entire thread...I wish you the best of happiness, love and understanding...your really good people..don't listen to crap from anyone...k...

[greengoddess]

I have to ask...they are D now...what business is it of his what goes on in her personal life...they are exes now....

 

 

Obviously you do not have children if you can ask this question.

[4321sn]

He is just going in for the re-tap...all that stuff is fluff to get into her pants. It is not innocent, helpful stuff at all, but quite the contrary and self serving.

 

4321....your cheerleading for him is probably the worst stuff I've read on here.

 

He F-ed up and is trying to do the right thing. Not being "a cheerleader" just giving my opinion. That is how I view it...

 

How do you know its self serving? Hes not sleeping with her. Honestly if the man wants sex I am sure he can find it from a single lady without 4 children...It is more than that. Why cant it be that he simply loves this woman and wants to care for her and offer support. Just posing another possible side...Why is that being totally dismissed? You know for a fact that hes doing yardwork to get in her pants? That just seems silly to me especially since they are not having sex.

 

Yes it was wrong to have the affair. Yes the W should have ended her marriage before the affair, or before the first D day or the second. But you know what? She didnt...so her BS tells kids because he is angry and wants them to hate miso and their mother. That is just so wrong...Im sorry...He may hate her but that is only hurting the kids.

 

Now it seems that he did them a fovor. Its out there. Honest conversations were had and perhaps the kids can move forward and heal now that they know the truth...

[4321sn]

You know what...yes it was the W responsibility as their mother to do what was right...Divorce their father before the affair or at the very least shortly after it began if she knew she was in love. That was no responsible. I am not putting the blame on the BS. However...someone needed to be the adult. He did not have good intentions. He was hurt and angry and in trying to hurt his W he told the kids something that was none of their business...

[miso horny]

I don't know why I am still amazed by they way some people comment and beat a dead horse beyond recognition... I should get it by now..

 

Anyway, I will say that I guess I am disappointed in myself. Once again, I have allowed more CRAP to happen because I didnt put my foot down. I should have said, "you tell your exH that I am in your life, however big or small OR I will not be in your life, however big or small." She should have just started a conversation like, "ok, now that we are divorced, I tyhink it is important that we come up sith some ground rules regardiing each others "private life"..." I knew that she didnt and I knew that she wouldnt. I KNEW THIS would happen, at least the part about him finding out the hard way..

 

The "truth" is out, and I know that is good, finally. The "consequences" are still out there, and please trust me, this is weighing heavily on me.. I dont know what shoe will drop next, but I believe one will. And if it does, it's because someone didnt do something they should have. Why the hell should I believe that everyone involved will do the "right things". Nobody has yet........ This is the first "event" since I reconnected with her. Please remember, I was "disconnected" for a pretty long time.

 

And now the kids are hurting even more. Doesnt matter how much garland I hang, how many meals I make, how many "man chores" I do to help her/them out... There are land mines everywhere, and exH is very bent on keeping his promise to her, that we will NEVER have a "happy ever after." (not saying A. that I blame him, or B. that I want that)

Edited December 1, 2010 by miso horny

[jthorne]

I don't know why I am still amazed by they way some people comment and beat a dead horse beyond recognition... I should get it by now..

 

Anyway, I will say that I guess I am disappointed in myself. Once again, I have allowed more CRAP to happen because I did'nt put my foot down. I should have said, "you tell your exH that I am in your life, however big or small OR I will not be in your life, however big or small." I knew that she didnt and I knew that she wouldnt. I KNEW THIS would happen, at least the part about him finding out the hard way..

 

The "truth" is out, and I know that is good, finally. The "consequences" are still out there, and please trust me, this is weighing heavily on me.. I dont know what shoe will drop next, but I believe one will. And if it does, it's because someone didnt do something they should have. Why the hell should I believe that everyone involved will do the "right things". Nobody has yet........ This is the first "event" since I reconnected with her. Please remember, I was "disconnected" for a pretty long time.

 

And now the kids are hurting even more. Doesnt matter how much garland I hang, how many meals I make, how many "man chores" I do to help her/them out... There are land mines everywhere, and exH is very bent on keeping his promise to her, that we will NEVER have a "happy ever after." (not saying A. that I blame him, or B. that I want that)

Then WHAT are YOU doing?

[Spark1111]

I don't know why I am still amazed by they way some people comment and beat a dead horse beyond recognition... I should get it by now..

 

Anyway, I will say that I guess I am disappointed in myself. Once again, I have allowed more CRAP to happen because I did'nt put my foot down. I should have said, "you tell your exH that I am in your life, however big or small OR I will not be in your life, however big or small." I knew that she didnt and I knew that she wouldnt. I KNEW THIS would happen, at least the part about him finding out the hard way..

 

The "truth" is out, and I know that is good, finally. The "consequences" are still out there, and please trust me, this is weighing heavily on me.. I dont know what shoe will drop next, but I believe one will. And if it does, it's because someone didnt do something they should have. Why the hell should I believe that everyone involved will do the "right things". Nobody has yet........

 

And now the kids are hurting even more. Doesnt matter how much garland I hang, how many meals I make, how many "man chores" I do to help her/them out... There are land mines everywhere, and exH is very bent on keeping his promise to her, that we will NEVER have a "happy ever after. (not saying A. that I blame him, or B. that I want that)

 

 

Miso, so sorry this falls down on your head too.

 

But she didn't tell him about you, her feelings for you, the affair she had with you (not in its entirety) you still being on the down low in her life and you NOW being a helping hand in her life and a potential partner for her future!

 

Three common characteristics of MP who has an affair are: poor communication skills, low self-esteem, and CONFLICT AVOIDANCE.

 

By avoiding conflict with her H and disclosing the truth to him, you are now a part of the fallout.

 

Unless she gets into counseling, she will continue to avoid conflict. Ready for a relationship filled with this?

[NoIDidn't]

But, as a father, he has a responsibility to his children. However, now that I have looked at a few past threads and know that this awful language came from the mother, I would not put much weight on them. It appears she was a master liar and manipulator and I'd be more likely to trust her xH to behave well than her. After reading some of the threads about how she treated her husband and handled the divorce and c past hildren, I really hope these children are in therapy.

 

 

I can't agree with this more! And based on the latest update from miso, it rings true. That woman manipulates the people in her life, her children are no different to her. So sad for those kids.

 

I totally believe that the xW said the "whore" part. Miso came here saying that the BH had a "powwow" with the kids. Sounds to me like he saw Miso and took the kids inside for a frank conversation and told them the truth.

 

Mom is doing damage control. These poor kids are about to be given the treatment that their dad received and ultimately decided to divorce over. But they can't divorce their parents, or specifically, their mom. The fact that the mom responded to miso that "they want me happy" reveals that she's already manipulating their emotions by preying on their desire to see their parents happy.

 

I guess all is well in her world if she is happy but her ex isn't.

[miso horny]

Then WHAT are YOU doing?

 

Talking to you and letting this all soak in. Staying away from her/them while I think about things....

 

All that this has been since the reconnection is a little "checking the landscape". Well, not much on the landscape has changed has it? And to be honest, her knowing that this could happen and not being proactive to prevent it was just as bad or worse than what exH did...

[jthorne]

Unless she gets into counseling, she will continue to avoid conflict. Ready for a relationship filled with this?

He's already HAD a relationship filled with it. Like Owl, I'm struggling to understand why he's back for more, but...

 

I just pray he doesn't reply with a pukey "the heart wants what the heart wants" lunacy, or my faith in him will be forever destroyed.

[Spark1111]

Talking to you and letting this all soak in. Staying away from her/them while I think about things....

 

All that this has been since the reconnection is a little "checking the landscape". Well, not much on the landscape has changed has it? And to be honest, her knowing that this could happen and not being proactive to prevent it was just as bad or worse than what exH did...

 

I agree!

 

So the drama continues......

[miso horny]

He's already HAD a relationship filled with it. Like Owl, I'm struggling to understand why he's back for more, but...

 

I just pray he doesn't reply with a pukey "the heart wants what the heart wants" lunacy, or my faith in him will be forever destroyed.

 

LOL, no not this time... It is not like that at all anymore. That's all I will say. You guys have to trust me, I am here, talking with you all, to talk outloud, so to speak. Even if I wanted a forever with her, it will not work, not at all....

 

most of you know me however, and I just don't jump ship on someone, I have some responsibility too.. Just because I am not heading for the hills like a coward, which would prove exH correct, DOES NOT mean that I all lovey dovey either... I'm sick about this.

[Spark1111]

He's already HAD a relationship filled with it. Like Owl, I'm struggling to understand why he's back for more, but...

 

I just pray he doesn't reply with a pukey "the heart wants what the heart wants" lunacy, or my faith in him will be forever destroyed.

 

Some people are addicted to drama. It makes them feel more alive and more important to always be in the center of a storm....

 

Maybe divorce got boring. Maybe she craves the affair and it's over. Maybe she MISSES the triangle dynamic and its drama.

 

Maybe Miso, you got brought in to hang garland when her xH was stopping by to reignite the drama she so misses.

 

That's a shame.

 

Because you two could really be legit if handled correctly by her.

 

You want this? This drama?

 

Why don't you call the xH and see if he will talk to you?

[NoIDidn't]

most of you know me however, and I just don't jump ship on someone, I have some responsibility too.. Just because I am not heading for the hills like a coward, which would prove exH correct, DOES NOT mean that I all lovey dovey either... I'm sick about this.

 

Maybe the best you can do for the kids right now is recommend family therapy for the kids AND their parents?

 

You think she's open to this?

 

It would help the kids with this new reality and information. It would help dad to know his place isn't threatened so long as he stays engaged with his kids and let her move on with her life. And it would help show her how this mess is mostly because of her inability to cope and be proactive (she didn't seem to happy in her marriage and her way of getting out of it was cruel).

 

She needs to accept some responsibility for this and stop trying to flame the ex by saying that he called her a whore. That's sympathy shopping. And she should know better by now.

[miso horny]

Some people are addicted to drama. It makes them feel more alive and more important to always be in the center of a storm....

 

Maybe divorce got boring. Maybe she craves the affair and it's over. Maybe she MISSES the triangle dynamic and its drama.

 

Maybe Miso, you got brought in to hang garland when her xH was stopping by to reignite the drama she so misses.

 

That's a shame.

 

Because you two could really be legit if handled correctly by her.

 

You want this? This drama?

 

Why don't you call the xH and see if he will talk to you?

 

I did, and he wouldnt... But it was that same day.

 

Me helping out has been for a while. She wasnt even home. And here is the kicker, she never laid any rules down that there should not be any drive by's or stop by's unless the talked. She KNEW this could happen. Of course, this knowledge is new to me AFTER this happened. I couldnt believe it. I guess that is the "conflict avoidance", huh. Close her eyes and hold her breath until "kaplowee"!

 

And no, I do not want this drama. Maybe I was hoping that it had gone away after the divorce, but obviously not. There are still lies out there, there are still manipulations going on, there are still people that don't know (her side of the family). This is why again, I am stressing with you all to believe me when I say, I am figuring this sh*t out as fast as I am typing and reading....

[jthorne]

Talking to you and letting this all soak in. Staying away from her/them while I think about things....

 

All that this has been since the reconnection is a little "checking the landscape". Well, not much on the landscape has changed has it? And to be honest, her knowing that this could happen and not being proactive to prevent it was just as bad or worse than what exH did...

She is what she is, honeypie. Unless she does that work that I keep hounding upon, she will continue to be what she is.

 

What you can change is YOU.

[miso horny]

She is what she is, honeypie. Unless she does that work that I keep hounding upon, she will continue to be what she is.

 

What you can change is YOU.

 

yeppers. Although, I can also change a tire. I can change a twenty. I can even change a diaper... But what I can't change is the picture that has been painted....

[whichwayisup]

She hasn't changed..At all. She's still the same woman she was during the affair, handles things the same way too, has little to no communication skills. She exaggerates and lies..

 

Instead of trying to start anew with her with as she is now, PUSH her to not only do family counselling to help fix this mess, but also for her to do one on one counselling to work on herself. My guess is, she never did that after the divorce. She's been going on with life, reconnecting again with you.

 

Don't get involved at all in this, don't offer support meaning don't be her shoulder. She needs to figure it out by going to therapy! The consquences have now again blown up in her face, lets hope that now she will change her ways.

[Spark1111]

I did, and he wouldnt... But it was that same day.

 

Me helping out has been for a while. She wasnt even home. And here is the kicker, she never laid any rules down that there should not be any drive by's or stop by's unless the talked. She KNEW this could happen. Of course, this knowledge is new to me AFTER this happened. I couldnt believe it. I guess that is the "conflict avoidance", huh. Close her eyes and hold her breath until "kaplowee"!

 

And no, I do not want this drama. Maybe I was hoping that it had gone away after the divorce, but obviously not. There are still lies out there, there are still manipulations going on, there are still people that don't know (her side of the family). This is why again, I am stressing with you all to believe me when I say, I am figuring this sh*t out as fast as I am typing and reading....

 

Jthorne makes a good point.

Things cannot change for the better unless both parties want them to.

 

Know what I mean? This could have been avoided. It would have spared both you and the children an uncomfortable scenario.

 

So, why wasn't it?

 

Because now you are made out to be the bad guy.

 

Was that just easier for her?