BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[miso horny]

Jthorne makes a good point.

Things cannot change for the better unless both parties want them to.

 

Know what I mean? This could have been avoided. It would have spared both you and the children an uncomfortable scenario.

 

So, why wasn't it?

 

Because now you are made out to be the bad guy.

 

Was that just easier for her?

 

probably. It seems that has always been the way. Now, even at her children's expense. too bad

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If this guy had half a brain, he'd step back and realize that she is the consequence he's probably been wishing on you the entire time. I don't think you'll be happy till she's destroyed you as well. Crazy, but as far as you are concerned you and the BH seem to want the same thing.

[miso horny]

If this guy had half a brain, he'd step back and realize that she is the consequence he's probably been wishing on you the entire time. I don't think you'll be happy till she's destroyed you as well. Crazy, but as far as you are concerned you and the BH seem to want the same thing.

 

that is crazy... and if you only knew how "destroyed" I already was.... and I guess I deserve it

[pureinheart]

I don't know why I am still amazed by they way some people comment and beat a dead horse beyond recognition... I should get it by now..

 

Anyway, I will say that I guess I am disappointed in myself. Once again, I have allowed more CRAP to happen because I didnt put my foot down. I should have said, "you tell your exH that I am in your life, however big or small OR I will not be in your life, however big or small." She should have just started a conversation like, "ok, now that we are divorced, I tyhink it is important that we come up sith some ground rules regardiing each others "private life"..." I knew that she didnt and I knew that she wouldnt. I KNEW THIS would happen, at least the part about him finding out the hard way..

 

The "truth" is out, and I know that is good, finally. The "consequences" are still out there, and please trust me, this is weighing heavily on me.. I dont know what shoe will drop next, but I believe one will. And if it does, it's because someone didnt do something they should have. Why the hell should I believe that everyone involved will do the "right things". Nobody has yet........ This is the first "event" since I reconnected with her. Please remember, I was "disconnected" for a pretty long time.

 

And now the kids are hurting even more. Doesnt matter how much garland I hang, how many meals I make, how many "man chores" I do to help her/them out... There are land mines everywhere, and exH is very bent on keeping his promise to her, that we will NEVER have a "happy ever after." (not saying A. that I blame him, or B. that I want that)

 

Thank you....

[pureinheart]

Obviously you do not have children if you can ask this question.

 

I despise nosey people...it is none of the exH's business what his exW does...if it is that bad, then call the authorities and take care of whatever through them...

 

As far as an ex being up in my business...don't think so...telling me who I can and can't see...isn't going to happen, my exes knew it...nor was I up in their business.

[pureinheart]

that is crazy... and if you only knew how "destroyed" I already was.... and I guess I deserve it

 

I still haven't read your thread...so I am assuming here, based on briefly reading a couple of posts...

 

You know what...you loved/love her. Her end is difficult also...I know there are things she should have done...BUT this is where you are. If anyone can understand going back a million times, I can. Right now I am going crazy (but will see this through) because I do love and miss him, BUT it just can't work.

 

If yours can work at all on any level...make it happen. You seem cool, and you seem to know EXACTLY what you want....go for it, whatever that is!!!!! It just freaking hurts anyway, so if it can work...do it:)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

that is crazy... and if you only knew how "destroyed" I already was.... and I guess I deserve it

 

I don't think you deserve it but I do believe you will end up hurt. She's a user and you love her, bad combination.

[whichwayisup]

that is crazy... and if you only knew how "destroyed" I already was.... and I guess I deserve it

 

Okay. Stop going to her house and doing "nice" things for her. You think you're helping but in a sense it's enabling past behaviour, relying on man. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet.

 

Stop being her shoulder and let her do the garland hanging, decorating and other stuff around with the house with her kids. They can help and can make a family afternoon of it and have fun.

[miso horny]

Okay. Stop going to her house and doing "nice" things for her. You think you're helping but in a sense it's enabling past behaviour, relying on man. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet.

 

Stop being her shoulder and let her do the garland hanging, decorating and other stuff around with the house with her kids. They can help and can make a family afternoon of it and have fun.

 

 

stopped already

[bentnotbroken]

stopped already

 

 

Stay stopped...okay?

[spice4life]

stopped already

 

I just want to say miso that you are definitely doing the right thing by stepping back and evaluating the situation. What it boils down to now is (and it appears you already know), what is deal breaker for you and what are you willing to put up with. I haven't read your posts from the past, when you were in the thick of it, but from what I see here it almost sounds like she has a fear of being criticized, so she finds it hard to be honest about what is going on in her life. That is an internal issue that she will need to get to the bottom of if she wants to have a healthy relationship. You are right, it's her issue and it creates a lot of problems that could be otherwise prevented. I know because I have been there and finally figured it out for myself through therapy and with help from a friend. The question is, does she have the capacity to figure this out? Has she evolved at all through this whole experience?

 

But again, it's up to you what you are willing to deal with because your own happiness is just as important.

Edited December 2, 2010 by spice4life

[U2RockZz]

 

As far as an ex being up in my business...don't think so...telling me who I can and can't see...isn't going to happen, my exes knew it...nor was I up in their business.

 

 

they wouldn't have been divorced if she was listening to him ....anyways ,from his post he(ExH) never said what she should do/shouldn't....he merely said she was a w**** and OP is one that helped in it....i don't really see anything wrong in it.....on contrary i don't understand what's OP's loss in it.....

[greengoddess]

I despise nosey people...it is none of the exH's business what his exW does...if it is that bad, then call the authorities and take care of whatever through them...

 

As far as an ex being up in my business...don't think so...telling me who I can and can't see...isn't going to happen, my exes knew it...nor was I up in their business.

 

It's called being parents and parenting TOGETHER it is not being nosey. It is caring for your children.

[OWoman]

I have to ask...they are D now...what business is it of his what goes on in her personal life...they are exes now....

 

 

Exactly! What was he doing at her house anyway? If he wanted to see the kids, should it not have been by prior arrangement with their mother? If my xH had just thought it OK to drop in at my house whenever he felt like it, he'd have found himself chased off the property!

 

It's absolutely none of his business what she chooses to do, or who she chooses to see. If he has concerns about the kids, he can apply through the correct channels to have those addressed. Same way she has no choice over who he decides to date, or who he has over at his place doing odd jobs around the house. If she has concerns about what the kids are being exposed to, she could also address those through the correct channels.

 

This weird snooping on Xs is so not OK. If he's not going to respect her space and her life, she may need to take formal action to ensure he does!

[greengoddess]

Exactly! What was he doing at her house anyway? If he wanted to see the kids, should it not have been by prior arrangement with their mother? If my xH had just thought it OK to drop in at my house whenever he felt like it, he'd have found himself chased off the property!

 

It's absolutely none of his business what she chooses to do, or who she chooses to see. If he has concerns about the kids, he can apply through the correct channels to have those addressed. Same way she has no choice over who he decides to date, or who he has over at his place doing odd jobs around the house. If she has concerns about what the kids are being exposed to, she could also address those through the correct channels.

 

This weird snooping on Xs is so not OK. If he's not going to respect her space and her life, she may need to take formal action to ensure he does!

 

OMG the man did not snoop. He drove his kids to their other home.

[OWoman]

It's called being parents and parenting TOGETHER it is not being nosey. It is caring for your children.

 

What bollocks! If you were going to parent together, you'd stay M. Once you're D, you parent separately, or together with your new partners. My x and I certainly didn't try to play house once we were done - we were done. My H and his xW certainly don't try to "parent together" - if they need to consult on anything, it's done via email (in as few sentences as possible) or through a third party (teacher, e.g.) if relevant. She does not come to our house, and we do not go to hers. If kids need to be picked up or dropped off, it's done at a neutral venue.

 

There is absolutely no need for an X to be snooping around - and certainly not without the express permission, and by prior arrangement, with the parent whose house it is. :sick:

[miso horny]

Exactly! What was he doing at her house anyway? If he wanted to see the kids, should it not have been by prior arrangement with their mother? If my xH had just thought it OK to drop in at my house whenever he felt like it, he'd have found himself chased off the property!

 

 

just to clarify, the kids were with him... It was his week to have them. He showed up unannounced and I was there, at her house (yes, their other house, but her house).

 

There are some other issues even in the details of what their divorce is that were scuplted to prevent her from being happy. As in, "she can NEVER (as in until death) co-habitate with another person", or she will lose her maintenence... The way it is written, is that out of the total amount being paid, 90% of it is maintenence, not child support.

 

I was thinking about this last night... It is a control thing it seems. BUT, it is their business not mine. Just info that I thought I would share.

[greengoddess]

What bollocks! If you were going to parent together, you'd stay M. Once you're D, you parent separately, or together with your new partners. My x and I certainly didn't try to play house once we were done - we were done. My H and his xW certainly don't try to "parent together" - if they need to consult on anything, it's done via email (in as few sentences as possible) or through a third party (teacher, e.g.) if relevant. She does not come to our house, and we do not go to hers. If kids need to be picked up or dropped off, it's done at a neutral venue.

 

There is absolutely no need for an X to be snooping around - and certainly not without the express permission, and by prior arrangement, with the parent whose house it is. :sick:

 

so basically you can't be civil enough to get along for the children and show them how mature adults act? There should be NO problem with an ex bringing their children to their other home. How ridiculous. You have to meet at a neutral place? Children should feel both homes are theirs and that they are welcome there.

[Owl]

I can see some valid arguments either way here.

 

I can say that if my wife and I had divorced as a result of her affair...I have no doubt that I personally would have removed myself from her life completely.

 

I wouldn't have gone by her house at all for whatever reason. I would have insisted that all kid exchanges occurred at some neutral point. I would have insisted that I NOT be put into a position to have to deal with her "new" life.

 

But that's not what they came to in this case.

 

For whatever reason...ex-H is still welcome to come around, and is still doing so.

 

Again, ex-H's response to seeing Miso there comes as NO shock to me whatsoever...and as I've said, it could have gone far, far worse.

 

I know how I would have felt meeting OM after my own situation.

 

My thought is this...I am sure that the kids are hurt by what's gone on...but IMHO this is a result of the affair, and her lousy management of the repercussions.

 

On the other hand...Miso...you know that there's no "going back to just friends" after an affair. As innocent as you claim this contact was, I'm sorry man, but I don't buy that. You're just not that...uneducated...in how this stuff goes.

 

The two of you were fishing. You were seeing how things would go between you, and you're exploring what "could be".

 

There is no such thing as "innocent contact" after a multiple year affair relationship. There's too much emotional investment already in there.

 

Again...your choice to do so. She's divorced, and you're free to explore a relationship with whomever you want to.

 

But call a pineapple a pineapple.

 

The two of you can see what might come of being together. BUT...one thing you're going to have to acknowledge is that as long as BH has interactions with her, he's NEVER going to accept YOU. He might accept her being with someone else (or he might not)...but he's NEVER going to like the concept of her being with YOU.

 

And now that the kids know the truth...which I don't see a problem with personally...they may or may not accept you as well.

 

All part of the repercussions of having an affair.

 

But Owoman is right too. Once divorced...BH should have very little to say about who she sees/dates. He may not like...and there's no reason he has to be comfortable or accept that Miso is in the picture...but he should have no real say in the matter beyond what's happened already.

 

If he has any true power in this...it's because she's given it to him voluntarily.

 

Which is something ELSE to consider as well.

 

From my personal viewpoint as someone who's chatted with you a good bit here Miso...personally, I'd recommend that you remove yourself from the situation and not "explore options" with her at all, ever.

 

Not because of her BH, not to protect her, or her kids.

 

But because you'll never "just be friends" and she's just never going to be a safe partner for you. You've seen all the signs already, and all you're going to do with this is hurt yourself further.

 

I suggest this for the best for Miso.

[greengoddess]

 

 

just to clarify, the kids were with him... It was his week to have them. He showed up unannounced and I was there, at her house (yes, their other house, but her house).

 

There are some other issues even in the details of what their divorce is that were scuplted to prevent her from being happy. As in, "she can NEVER (as in until death) co-habitate with another person", or she will lose her maintenence... The way it is written, is that out of the total amount being paid, 90% of it is maintenence, not child support.

 

I was thinking about this last night... It is a control thing it seems. BUT, it is their business not mine. Just info that I thought I would share.

 

OMG miso wake up. No it is not a control thing. Why on earth should he continue to pay this woman SPOUSAL support when she is living with another man? This is standard. My god, imagine being cheated on and having to divorce over it and then having to pay the cheater a ton of money and then the cheater lives with the man she cheated with and you still have to pay THEM a ton of money.

 

Come on wake up stop listening to her bitching about things and think.

and child support is a set amount. I guess she is getting a ****load of spousal support if it is 90% more than her child support.

Edited December 2, 2010 by greengoddess

[spice4life]

 

There are some other issues even in the details of what their divorce is that were scuplted to prevent her from being happy. As in, "she can NEVER (as in until death) co-habitate with another person", or she will lose her maintenence... The way it is written, is that out of the total amount being paid, 90% of it is maintenence, not child support.

 

I was thinking about this last night... It is a control thing it seems. BUT, it is their business not mine. Just info that I thought I would share.

 

Realistically speaking, this is not an unreasonable request at all. He is just not willing to pay "maintenance" if there is someone else living under the same roof. Ask yourself that question. Would you want to pay spousal support if your exW was cohabitating with another man? Most wouldn't and they shouldn't. This does not mean she can't have a relationship - it just means that once she finds someone else and they cohabitate or marry, she forfiets spousal support. Proper child support can be arranged through the court system. I highly doubt she wouldn't be entitled to the necessary amount of child support should her circumstances change.

 

Divorce, as I am sure you are aware, is highly charged with negative emotions and things get embellished to promote one's cause. She may feel it's unfair, but in reality it isn't. If you break it down and look at it objectively, her exH is merely protecting his own interest. It sounds like he is being generous by even paying spousal support - that is almost unheard of these days. Why should her exH end up financially strapped and paying her way if she is in a relationship with someone else and has additional income coming in.

 

Good thing you are posting and you should keep doing so for a reality check. Don't get swooped up in the drama and try to see things from his side as objectively as you can.

[kuma]

I despise nosey people...it is none of the exH's business what his exW does...if it is that bad, then call the authorities and take care of whatever through them...

 

As far as an ex being up in my business...don't think so...telling me who I can and can't see...isn't going to happen, my exes knew it...nor was I up in their business.

 

Call the authorities? Do you think that makes the kids happy? They don't need the stress and any more drama in their lives. They've had enough already.

[greengoddess]

Miso you said forever. Is she getting lifetime maintenance after cheating on him? This guy has to pay this woman for support for the rest of his life??

[YellowShark]

Nobody in this scenario is dumb or sociopathic. That is why I cannot fathom why the kids are not being put first over the selfish desires of the adults involved. It breaks my heart to see innocent children raked through the coals in a selfish tug-of-war because the adults responsible for their well-being are so toxic and self-absorbed. They will carry this baggage the adults created for them the rest of their lives.

 

That's just my two cents.

[miso horny]

 

Realistically speaking, this is not an unreasonable request at all. He is just not willing to pay "maintenance" if there is someone else living under the same roof. Ask yourself that question. Would you want to pay spousal support if your exW was cohabitating with another man? Most wouldn't and they shouldn't. This does not mean she can't have a relationship - it just means that once she finds someone else and they cohabitate or marry, she forfiets spousal support. Proper child support can be arranged through the court system. I highly doubt she wouldn't be entitled to the necessary amount of child support should her circumstances change.

 

Divorce, as I am sure you are aware, is highly charged with negative emotions and things get embellished to promote one's cause. She may feel it's unfair, but in reality it isn't. If you break it down and look at it objectively, her exH is merely protecting his own interest. It sounds like he is being generous by even paying spousal support - that is almost unheard of these days. Why should her exH end up financially strapped and paying her way if she is in a relationship with someone else and has additional income coming in.

 

Good thing you are posting and you should keep doing so for a reality check. Don't get swooped up in the drama and try to see things from his side as objectively as you can.

 

What I am saying, and why I am bringing this up is because I was thinking about how "skewed" the payment plan is.. Under "child support", his amount is less for 4 kids than mine is for 1.... It IS set up that way on purpose, IMO, to prevent her from ever co-habitating...

 

I am not disagreeing that maintenence should stop if she co-habitates with anyone else, but then she will get hardly anything for child support.

 

Again, whatever, I was just thinking about it last night and it seemed like a "plan", that's all...

 

Today is a new day and I am still staying away, and not "exploring" my good friend Owl.....