BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[bentnotbroken]

 

What I am saying, and why I am bringing this up is because I was thinking about how "skewed" the payment plan is.. Under "child support", his amount is less for 4 kids than mine is for 1.... It IS set up that way on purpose, IMO, to prevent her from ever co-habitating...

 

I am not disagreeing that maintenence should stop if she co-habitates with anyone else, but then she will get hardly anything for child support.

 

Again, whatever, I was just thinking about it last night and it seemed like a "plan", that's all...

 

Today is a new day and I am still staying away, and not "exploring" my good friend Owl.....

 

 

If the is/was a plan in place...it is one she and her lawyer agreed to. I assume she had legal representation. So again she made the decision to accept those terms.

[greengoddess]

 

What I am saying, and why I am bringing this up is because I was thinking about how "skewed" the payment plan is.. Under "child support", his amount is less for 4 kids than mine is for 1.... It IS set up that way on purpose, IMO, to prevent her from ever co-habitating...

 

I am not disagreeing that maintenence should stop if she co-habitates with anyone else, but then she will get hardly anything for child support.

 

Again, whatever, I was just thinking about it last night and it seemed like a "plan", that's all...

 

Today is a new day and I am still staying away, and not "exploring" my good friend Owl.....

 

Thats because you want to make this guy out to be the villian. He must have been really generous with his settlement if she gets 90% more spousal support than child support. Child support is a set amount set up to protect the kids.

 

Actually, since sh is in a new house he prob has custody of the kids and their original home and that's why she doesn't get much child support. She let him have the kids and the home.

Edited December 2, 2010 by greengoddess

[miso horny]

 

Thats because you want to make this guy out to be the villian. He must have been really generous with his settlement if she gets 90% more spousal support than child support. Child support is a set amount set up to protect the kids.

 

 

NOT true.. I said I was just thinking... I know what child support is, as I pay it. And what I was saying is that he pays less for 4 kids than I do for 1.

 

Moving on, I am sorry I brought this up. It really has no bearing on the original post...

 

And back to the original post, OWL is right. And I said it earlier. This brings to light that there can be no "good" relationship going forward for me. I "looked into it", and here I am. There is no way this will EVER EVER EVER be a good relationship.

 

And at least I can say this. I did end the Affair with her. It was ended and NC was for a long time. She got divorced. Whether I owed her, or myself a peek at what was left, I decided to do so, and VIOLA!!! This is what is left. More bullsh*t.

 

At least I can say I didnt invest my heart into it again, right-o?

[miso horny]

 

 

If the is/was a plan in place...it is one she and her lawyer agreed to. I assume she had legal representation. So again she made the decision to accept those terms.

 

Yes that is true, which shows me (now that I am looking) yet another flaw. Greed.

[whichwayisup]

So, she has their 'secondary house', probably paid for already and she just has to keep up with maitenance and bills, plus normal cost of living.

 

IF she wants to live with you, or any other man in the future, then she can move and find another house, get a job and work, and have regular $$ from her ex for the kids.

 

She agreed to their arrangement. Seems like she's got a pretty good deal on her hands, getting more than what she would have got with just child support. She isn't stupid, she knows the rules and should have told you she'd see you at your place, not hers. See you when he has the kids, stay at your house etc. No wonder her ex was so upset, he probably thinks she's having sleepovers too and due to the arrangement (have you seen a copy of it?) there's probably a clause in there about that too, especially if the kids are around.

[whichwayisup]

At least I can say I didnt invest my heart into it again, right-o?

You sure about that? Maybe not like before, but you have invested and opened up with her again.

[miso horny]

You sure about that? Maybe not like before, but you have invested and opened up with her again.

 

I am sure about that. I gave her everything before. Wasnt much left to give her after we ended. It was all gone.

[miso horny]

So, she has their 'secondary house', probably paid for already and she just has to keep up with maitenance and bills, plus normal cost of living.

 

IF she wants to live with you, or any other man in the future, then she can move and find another house, get a job and work, and have regular $$ from her ex for the kids.

 

She agreed to their arrangement. Seems like she's got a pretty good deal on her hands, getting more than what she would have got with just child support. She isn't stupid, she knows the rules and should have told you she'd see you at your place, not hers. See you when he has the kids, stay at your house etc. No wonder her ex was so upset, he probably thinks she's having sleepovers too and due to the arrangement (have you seen a copy of it?) there's probably a clause in there about that too, especially if the kids are around.

 

You know what everybody. This is what REALITY is. These are the reprecussions from the AFFAIR, there is no way around that. There are consequences and after these last few days, it has made me realize that it just isnt worth it. I mentioned to someone earlier that I had "been in his shoes". Well, not nearly as big of shoes, I am sure. My situation wasnt so "in your face" as it must be for exH in this situation. No matter what the divorce decree states, there is no weighing what the emotional decree will state, each and every single time exH hears my name, sees garland hung or a freshly mown lawn... And since I was just "exploring" to see what I might find in the aftermath of everything, what I HAVE found, I DO NOT LIKE.

 

It is just that simple. No huge NC needed, no dramatic finish, just a conversation that "hey, I tried and it just won't work... glad I could help you get your new house in order, but hire someone from here on out".

 

can I hear a little "whoop whoop"?!

[desertIslandCactus]

Miso you said forever. Is she getting lifetime maintenance after cheating on him? This guy has to pay this woman for support for the rest of his life??

 

until she remarries - or until the xH can no longer afford to, whichever comes first ..

[Dexter Morgan]

This is a "smart guy", but what he just did was the stupidest thing that he could have done.....

 

in your opinion, why?

 

now as for me, I don't care to even give my x-wife and her 10th grade dropout any consideration for a discussion.

 

but if my kids ever ask me what happened, I won't lie to them, I'll simply tell them that their mom and her now husband were messing around, in addition to the other men she was with......and then I'll drop it.

 

I won't readily offer up info, but if they ask, I will tell it like it is.

[Dexter Morgan]

Whatchudoin back wid her dude?

 

I was wondering this myself.

 

must be all about looks, cuz it sure as hell isn't xMW's character.

[Dexter Morgan]

HIS KIDS ARE HURT

 

thats on you. granted it was odd off him to bring it up without them soliciting the info, but he was just the messenger. If they are hurt its because of your actions and the actions of their mother, not his telling of them

[miso horny]

in your opinion, why?

 

now as for me, I don't care to even give my x-wife and her 10th grade dropout any consideration for a discussion.

 

but if my kids ever ask me what happened, I won't lie to them, I'll simply tell them that their mom and her now husband were messing around, in addition to the other men she was with......and then I'll drop it.

 

I won't readily offer up info, but if they ask, I will tell it like it is.

 

see there, coming from you (no offense) this is a better way to handle it. If they asked, maybe both parents could sit down with the children. Or meet with a counselor. Or, as you said, talk to them then. In this case, it was done out of anger, which was what I thought was wrong.

 

Now, supposedly exH came back to the kids and said that he was sorry for how he handled things and that sme of the "info" was incorrect. Which, I am glad to hear. Still doesnt change anything on my end, but I was glad to hear that things may have calmed down a little. I am still pushing for counselling and I told her that she REALLY needs to look into some things about herself. I said that her "avoidance issues" are hurting ALOT of people, manly her children. She didnt take it vey well, but oh f*cking well......

[Dexter Morgan]

But do you really agree that the father was positive in telling them the truth when he called her a whore to them?

 

 

one definition of a whore is a "venal or unscrupulous" person.

 

having an affair is unscrupulous.

[miso horny]

thats on you. granted it was odd off him to bring it up without them soliciting the info, but he was just the messenger. If they are hurt its because of your actions and the actions of their mother, not his telling of them

 

this is true....

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Yes that is true, which shows me (now that I am looking) yet another flaw. Greed.

 

the only way she doesn't get a state set percentage is if for some stupid reason she agreed to a lesser amount.

 

as far as greed, nothing is greedier than someone receiving spousal support.

[jthorne]

At least I can say I didnt invest my heart into it again, right-o?

Right, Daddy-o!

There's lots o women out there who appreciate a man with a quirky sense of humor and mad culinary skills.

[miso horny]

Right, Daddy-o!

There's lots o women out there who appreciate a man with a quirky sense of humor and mad culinary skills.

 

awwww. And not to mention a big 'ol knee slapper.....

 

just kiddin'

[OWoman]

so basically you can't be civil enough to get along for the children and show them how mature adults act?

 

I get on fine with my xH - on neutral ground. I'm not prepared to have him acting as if my home is his, and assuming rights to things that he no longer has (like, how to arrange the furniture, or tossing out things he doesn't like, or helping himself to my CDs... Nope, sorry. He can do that in his own home, not in mine!)

 

Nor would I trust my H's xW in our home. If she's going to lose it and attack anyone, I'd rather it was in a public space where help is closer at hand.

 

There should be NO problem with an ex bringing their children to their other home. How ridiculous. You have to meet at a neutral place?

 

I don't see why this is an issue. Why should an x be welcome in your home? If they were welcome in your lives, why did you D?

 

Children should feel both homes are theirs and that they are welcome there.

 

Exactly - the children should feel at home in both places (and do). The adults each have their own home.

 

i don't know what you are trying to say but....you or your H can't really do anything if she wants visit her kids(if kid wanted her to )....she doesn't have to call you or inform you(actually it has nothing do with you or your H).... you don't have to go aboard to support an affair....get your facts right before you write some crap...

 

It's not crap at all. I've no idea where you live or what your local laws state, but the divorce settlement is quite clear on issues of access. Nowhere does it state that anyone has to grant access to their x in their own home - they merely have to abide by access agreements, with the children's best interests at heart. If she wants to visit her kids - tough. The kids have the call on that. And if they want to see her - they go to her house, or meet her in some neutral venue, like a coffee shop.

 

Perhaps in your country an x has all kinds of weird rights simply because some of their DNA got mixed into an offspring, but that's not the case either in my home country or where I live now. The only rights that matter when it comes to access are the kids'.

 

Which is how it should be.

[OWoman]

If he has any true power in this...it's because she's given it to him voluntarily.

 

Exactly.

 

And if she's agreed to the child support / alimony breakdown that way, that's also her choice. Her lawyer could have argued a better deal for her - or she could simply have held out until a better deal was offered... or ruled by the judge.

 

I don't know if the law allows for it in the US or not, but in my home country, child support is not cast in stone forever - because costs change all the time, the parent with primary custody (if custody is not 50 / 50 % shared) can appeal to have the amount increased at any time - and the other parent can similarly appeal to have it reduced at any time if their financial position changes. The courts will consider all factors, and revise the order whenever an application is made. If she considers her settlement breakdown to be unfair, she should take it to the maintenance courts (or your equivalent) and have it reviewed.

[NoLongerSad]

This is a "smart guy", but what he just did was the stupidest thing that he could have done.....

 

thoughts?

 

How's the view in that glass house of yours?

[NoLongerSad]

The vision the kids have of their mother is forever altered.

 

Because they know the truth?

 

 

I don't care what the think about me (of course this is not 100% true) but in the scheme of things.... The kids have been meeting me, and they liked me, SLOWLY. Now, that is wrecked.... I am the home wrecking bastard that "stole mommy away from daddy".

 

That's the trouble with basing a relationship on cheating and lying, whether it's with an OP, a married person, or their kids. Sooner or later the truth is going to come out.

[NoLongerSad]

There are now 4 very confused children (10-16) who are now hurting and confused about their mother. And yes, me. A "good friend" that they have recently met, that is "helping mom around the house" doing the "man things" to make things better.

 

If they are hurting and confused now, it's only because their mother and you had been lying to them about the true nature of your relationship with their mother.

[NoLongerSad]

and then he he did this, "hey kids, guess what, your mother is a whore and that piece of sh*t is her boyfriend, who knew she had 4 kids but decided to wreck our family anyway..."

 

The children's father's understandable bitterness has rendered him extraordinarily perceptive.

[phillygirl]

although i agree with others that the BH's choice of words and timing was a bit off, i vehemently disagree that he was wrong to inform his kids about miso's role in dissolving their family.

 

this is the risk we take when we CHOOSE to enter relationships with MM/MW w/kids. if as adults we enter extramarital relationships, then WE (the OP/MM/MW) are responsible for ANY adverse outcome caused to the children in these relationships.

 

just my humble opinion.