BH tells children mommy had an affair and I am the scumbag that wrecked the marriage

[NoLongerSad]

if you're talking about consenting adults - and an A is between two consenting adults - then no, it's not the same thing at all. In many countries, the law requires you to speak up if you suspect a child is being abused, neglected or harmed in any way - whether or not you have proof for your suspicions. I've yet to hear of a modern country where arb bystanders are required to inform on anyone they suspect of marital infidelity....

 

 

If you're correct, then miso has an obligation to report both himself and his ex affair partner for psychologically and emotionally abusing her four children by having their tawdry affair which led to the break up of the family.

Edited December 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[greengoddess]

if you're talking about consenting adults - and an A is between two consenting adults - then no, it's not the same thing at all. In many countries, the law requires you to speak up if you suspect a child is being abused, neglected or harmed in any way - whether or not you have proof for your suspicions. I've yet to hear of a modern country where arb bystanders are required to inform on anyone they suspect of marital infidelity....

 

so you believe the dad being honest to his children is abusive? I don't. I think his wifes behavior went against the morals he wants to instill in his children and felt the need to speak up when she brought the man who has the same morals as his wife around his kids.

[NoLongerSad]

You did - right here:

 

 

 

i.e., only their parent has the right.

 

You might wish you'd said something else, but that's what you said.

 

Fine, if you really believe the ex-Husband was being abusive then you should have advised OP to report the ex-Husband to child protective services. You didn't.

[Dexter Morgan]

this thread is about me asking IF my feelings were correct, that the way the betrayed exH handled the telling of yes, the truth, to his children was not the best way.

 

no, it wasn't the best way to handle it. what do expect of a man that has been handed a sh#t sandwich over and over by you and his x-huss?

 

he's entitled to think unrationally for a moment given the circumstances. and he apologized to his children.

[Dexter Morgan]

You did - right here:

 

 

 

i.e., only their parent has the right.

 

You might wish you'd said something else, but that's what you said.

 

he didn't say anyone but the parent isn't entitled to an opinion, he just said the OP's opinion counts for nothing......even an opinion that counts for nothing is still an opinion and OP is still entitled to it.

[worlybear]

3123500]I beleive that even though your children heard you cheated it wont matter much they will love you the[/b] same.Kids are smarter then we think they know their is bitterness and will figure they love you and respect you the same as they did.I was told the same when I was younger and took it with a grain of salt.

Errm... not strictly true.

Looking at the bolded this certainly does not apply to my daughters (9 and 20) or adult sons (22,25,27).

They will never love or respect their cheating,lying father, ever again.

They were and still are appalled by his catastrophic actions and consider it to be living hypocrisy for a man who claimed to be a "family man" and "carer for children." to behave in such a selfish way.

Forgiveness may come if he ever finds his balls and mans up enough to talk to them-until then-he's ancient history!

[miso horny]

And if you believe their father acted inappropriately in the way he divulged the affair, and that it is your place to have an opinion about that, then go tell him, personally, and accept whatever "consequences" may result.

 

Um, as I said before, I DID.......

[fltc]

I see the whole thread as backwards, it should be, "Mommy had an affair and is the scumbag who wrecked the marriage, OM is merely the assistant scumbag who helped mommy wreck the marriage."

 

An affair is A*L*W*A*Y*S the woman's choice, the OM just makes himself available.

[NoLongerSad]

And if you believe their father acted inappropriately in the way he divulged the affair, and that it is your place to have an opinion about that, then go tell him, personally, and accept whatever "consequences" may result.

 

Um, as I said before, I DID.......

 

OK good for you.

 

Now, how much in child support is the ex-husband paying for the four kids?

 

Are you ready to dig deep into your wallet and reimburse him for that?

 

No?

 

Why not?

[miso horny]

Um, as I said before, I DID.......

 

OK good for you.

 

Now, how much in child support is the ex-husband paying for the four kids?

 

Are you ready to dig deep into your wallet and reimburse him for that?

 

No?

 

Why not?

 

again, are you reading what I am writing?? The "child support" for 4 children is less than I pay for one..... The "maintenence" however is what is heavily skewed, because, he can hang that over her so that she never co-habitates again... If he was paying what the State defines in "child support", it would be a GREAT deal larger of the 2, but, it is like a 5th of the total amount. This is THEIR business, not mine. I just know that not many people would be able to afford to take that on, especially if they have children of their own that they are responsible for.

 

That's my point (again, their business) but, it is set up so (and YES, she agreed to it) that she will probably NEVER again co-habitate with another person.....

 

please, I implore those who read this to get a grasp of that...

[whichwayisup]

That's my point (again, their business) but, it is set up so (and YES, she agreed to it) that she will probably NEVER again co-habitate with another person.....

 

In that particular house. You did say it's "their" house (like another house they owned), but now she lives in it and he has the other house. Or am I wrong on this?

 

She and her lawyer said yes. It was probably what was easiest for her. Doesn't have to work, so she can stay home and be there for the kids when it's her turn to have them. Or is she working now? Either way, she got a sweet deal and she went in knowing one rule was "noone to live with you" and was Ok with that. Honestly though, in teh future if that changes, she can end the agreement, live with you or whomever and stand on her own two feed instead of relying on her ex's money. I know that sounds harsh ,but you know what i mean.

[lkjh]

Look this thread is a perfect example of how cheaters really think. They want to blame everyone else for the negative consequences of their actions. The affair caused the problems not the honesty

[pureinheart]

Because they know the truth?

 

 

 

 

That's the trouble with basing a relationship on cheating and lying, whether it's with an OP, a married person, or their kids. Sooner or later the truth is going to come out.

 

Hi NLS,

 

There were several consecutive posts (yours), I just chose this one to voice that I disagree with all based on personal experience.

 

Both of my parents had A's and then D each other. I was a kid, neither of them told me the gory details. Ever. It was none of my business, and quite frankly I was too busy being a kid, and enjoying being well taken care of, and quite spoiled.

 

My mother or father NEVER (or any other family member) spoke ill of the other. Ever. I was more important to both of them than to try to steer my loyalty/love in their direction by "downing" the other of the horrible sin...and that is exactly what the parent who wants the kids to "know" the truth is doing...it's freaking sick game IMO. It is meant to turn the kids against the other parent PERIOD.

 

My kids dads both had A's...I told no one because it was more important to me that the R not be slighted or tarnished by something that children are unable to understand.

 

I believe the motive behind the motive is to cause descentions.

 

Regardless of what happens with the parents or AP, whatever just let the kids be kids....it's all TMI

[pureinheart]

If you're correct, then miso has an obligation to report both himself and his ex affair partner for psychologically and emotionally abusing her four children by having their tawdry affair which led to the break up of the family.

 

A's are usually the result of a bad/dead M...the "family" is usually "broken" before the A.

[LifesontheUp]

The significant difference I see with a cheaters mind is that a WW/WH and OM/OW can make a mistake but god forbid a BH making one.

 

Talk about double standards

[tami-chan]

I have never talk bad about my exH with my child and to my knowledge neither has he about me. I made the conscious decision to protect my child from the fall-out of the wrong things we did in our marriage.

 

I am sorry, but when it comes to children you just can't one-up and play games with each other. People who say things like "oh so it is ok for one to be a cheat but not ok for the betrayed to go get crazy". No it is not ok, because the "betrayed" is an adult and you can choose how to handle the situation. I am not saying it is ok to cheat-certainly there are other mature ways of handling unhappiness, dissatisfaction in a marriage instead of cheating, however to directly involve your child because of anger towards and spite against your spouse or ex spouse is just not acceptable to me.

 

I was a BS for many, many years and at a young age, too- being cheated on is very painful but in the grand scheme of things what is that really? Is your whole existence anchored on this one person, that one is willing to die or kill or destroy the psychological health of innocent children? I think not. My child's well-being was(still is) more important to me than trying to hurt or destroy my exH.

 

In the end, it is about what you are made of, what you value most and how much you can give of yourself....

[Stung]

When I was about thirteen, in a heated moment my mother informed me about the affair my father had had years before. I can't remember how it came up, now, although I do know she regretted it after and apologized. I can't say I regret finding out. Was it painful and disillusioning for me? Of course it was, it was a revelation I wrestled with, it brought many things into question--but it was not that my mother told me that hurt me, it was what my father had done.

 

The revelation gave me a deeper understanding of some of the family dynamics I had lived with as a younger child, and of what my parents had gone through to preserve their union, their family. It helped teach me empathy, and introspection. I came to see my father through a new lens, one that acknowledged him as a complex man with flaws, rather than the more 2-dimensional deity of my childhood--and I learned to regard my mother and some of her choices with more compassion. In the end, I believe that watching them spend years repairing their trust and recovering their marriage taught me some very valuable lessons in regards to my own marriage.

 

I'll never believe it would have been better for me to have been left in the dark, blind to dynamics that inevitably involved me very deeply as well.

 

I have not read this thread in it's entirety. If the language in the OP was genuine, "whore" is obviously overly harsh and the language was generally too abrupt and abrasive for children especially when in regard to their mother. Such a discussion should be approached more thoughtfully, with more regard for tender sensibilities. But I doubt the BH has been canonized a saint, and would probably be willing to forgive him a moment of human weakness in the face of multiple betrayals and divorce.

[bentnotbroken]

A's are usually the result of a bad/dead M...the "family" is usually "broken" before the A.

 

A are usually due to poor coping skills because (among the things you mentioned) the person is broken or selfish or both.

[woinlove]

A's are usually the result of a bad/dead M...the "family" is usually "broken" before the A.

 

Sure, and people who cheat on their taxes usually need the money. No, usually it is greed, lack of ethics, opportunity and rationalization (such as, everyone else is doing it). In other words, it reflects on the person, not on their circumstances. Same thing with cheating in a marriage. They have options of divorcing, negotiating an open relationship or remaining faithful, but some people instead chose to have an affair. Others with the same circumstances choose a different option which doesn't involve lying and betrayal.

 

Please give adults more credit for their choices, whether good or bad choices.

[miso horny]

The significant difference I see with a cheaters mind is that a WW/WH and OM/OW can make a mistake but god forbid a BH making one.

 

Talk about double standards

 

um, I KNOW I made a ton of mistakes, but yes, in this case, I believe BH made one too.... Is that not possible in your world?

[greengoddess]

um, I KNOW I made a ton of mistakes, but yes, in this case, I believe BH made one too.... Is that not possible in your world?

 

 

Miso you have admitted to many mistakes. I think the poster was talking in general terms not personal.

 

Miso I really hope you move on and stop talking to her. I don't think you can though.

 

About the child support. Who has custody of the children. Is it the dad? Or is it 50 50. That could very well be why she does not get much in child support. Did she complain to you she can't ever live with someone or remarry because she wants to keep soaking the guy she cheated on for spousal support for life? Is that someone you want?

[miso horny]

Miso you have admitted to many mistakes. I think the poster was talking in general terms not personal.

 

Miso I really hope you move on and stop talking to her. I don't think you can though.

 

About the child support. Who has custody of the children. Is it the dad? Or is it 50 50. That could very well be why she does not get much in child support. Did she complain to you she can't ever live with someone or remarry because she wants to keep soaking the guy she cheated on for spousal support for life? Is that someone you want?

 

50/50

 

She didnt complain to me, why would she, she agreed to the plan. I dont know why (other then as you put it, soaking as much money as she could). But I can tell you, it is as an unattractive thing to think about s I can imagine...

[greengoddess]

50/50

 

She didnt complain to me, why would she, she agreed to the plan. I dont know why (other then as you put it, soaking as much money as she could). But I can tell you, it is as an unattractive thing to think about s I can imagine...

 

She probably didn't have a choice. He's a good dad he got 50% of the custody so he cares for them as much as she so he actually should not be paying any child support. They are equally caring for them. I assume you do not have 50 50.

[miso horny]

She probably didn't have a choice. He's a good dad he got 50% of the custody so he cares for them as much as she so he actually should not be paying any child support. They are equally caring for them. I assume you do not have 50 50.

 

I dont right now, but have before (no, nothing made that change except employment and our childs school). AND, the rules have changed the last couple of years too, and I didnt think about that.. Used to be it didnt matter if it was 50/50 (which was bull, because I still had to pay the set amount whether it was 50/50, 20/80, 80/20). But now it is based on time spent, which is the right way.

[desertIslandCactus]

Hi NLS,

 

There were several consecutive posts (yours), I just chose this one to voice that I disagree with all based on personal experience.

 

Both of my parents had A's and then D each other. I was a kid, neither of them told me the gory details. Ever. It was none of my business, and quite frankly I was too busy being a kid, and enjoying being well taken care of, and quite spoiled.

 

My mother or father NEVER (or any other family member) spoke ill of the other. Ever. I was more important to both of them than to try to steer my loyalty/love in their direction by "downing" the other of the horrible sin...and that is exactly what the parent who wants the kids to "know" the truth is doing...it's freaking sick game IMO. It is meant to turn the kids against the other parent PERIOD.

 

My kids dads both had A's...I told no one because it was more important to me that the R not be slighted or tarnished by something that children are unable to understand.

 

I believe the motive behind the motive is to cause descentions.

 

Regardless of what happens with the parents or AP, whatever just let the kids be kids....it's all TMI

 

Pure, my mother didn't tell me the details in her A's .. but even as a young child, I could imagine - when they would go into the bedroom or other room in the house.

 

My sons weren't told the details or their father's A, yet they probably knew more than I.

 

There is no way that a child doesn't pick up on things, and know what is going on. They are mindful of their parent's comings and goings as soon as they can climb out of the crib.