Second chances never happen when you accept their friendship

[fiat500]

I feel very adamant about this. It's like digging your own grave and telling them what they did was okay. Also it eases their guilt. Any other thoughts?

[poorguy]

True that!! You can be friends down the line when everyone is over everything, but shortly after, forget about it.I suppose it all depends on what you want to accomplish though. If it's a getting back together type of thing than nooo way can you remain friends

[fiat500]

Here's how it usually goes down. And unfortunately everyone is going to fall for this trap:

 

-the breakup

 

-the no contact period

 

-the proposal by the dumper of "just being friends"

 

Do NOT accept this proposal. It isn't a true friendship request. It's for the dumper to ease their guilt away while using you. They may not say so but it's how they really feel. While they heal and see you as a person less and less, you will suffer while holding onto a fake feeling of hope.

 

Walk away with dignity when they ask you to be friends. Being just friends is not good enough for you so why should you give it to them?

[fiat500]

True that!! You can be friends down the line when everyone is over everything, but shortly after, forget about it.I suppose it all depends on what you want to accomplish though. If it's a getting back together type of thing than nooo way can you remain friends

 

I completely agree. I made this mistake with my first ex. Second chances are rare and almost never occurring but if someone really wants a shot at it, not accepting friendship from the dumper is the best route to go. ALL or NOTHING. And then walk away with your dignity in tact.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

I disagree, I got my husband back by being his friend. Long story short because of major trust issues I let the marriage go and divorced him.

 

Leaving the door open for friendship is somtimes the only way to get someone back. It can also backfire like you guys are saying and cause you hurt. Best advice on that is be firm. If you do accept the friendship and start feeling like the op is doing it just to ease guilt,use you,or just to maybe make you feel better or you know in your heart you just can't be the op's friend. Just call it off or don't get into it to begin with.

[poorguy]

I now talk to my ex after 3 months of zero contact. Maybe every 4 or 5 days she'll email or text something stupid, so I do reply and keep it short and simple as does she. So the lines are open but not wide open. It's friendly but I wouldn't say that were friends by any means. So I suppose after soem time you could do that and it's fine

[paleblue]

Fake friendships don't work out in the long run. And that is typically what your ex is offering you. A fake friendship in order to make them self feel better. You really aren't friends. Its just more garbage to keep you thinking while they are out enjoying sex with their new partner.

 

Besides, who really wants to accept now only being good enough for second best? It's like a demotion...

[fiat500]

And if you're the dumpee, second chances really don't exist either. The dumper isn't suddenly going to change their mind over night.

[Fufu]

I agree with fiat5000

 

that's why we have to feel like a dumper, be like a dumper and act like a dumper.

[Username37]

Agreed.

 

I did the friendship thing too. It was ****ing terrible.

 

It was selfish because it was everything SHE wanted to do not me. If I wanted to hang out or talk one on one it would be "awkward" but it's totally acceptable if she wants to because I'm her "best friend"

 

****ing bitch even said I was family to her. What kind of cunt would say that to a person after a ****ing breakup?

[fiat500]

I'm sorry Icequeen. I didn't see your post. But your situation is different since you have a longer history with the other person. Relationships that last for 6 months or less really don't seem to have a shot at second chances. But that's my opinion and I might be wrong.

[Goodthings]

I have been dumped by the same girl twice now, first time after 10 months, we got back together a few weeks later and were properly together three weeks after. Second time was three weeks ago after 17 months. From talking to people it doesnt happen overnight but it does happen, i mean second chances happen, third chances on the other hand...Unfortunately for me seems unlikely

[dk.bnz.chi]

of course 2nd chances never happen cuz they have u already in the back burner u pathetic ex.

did u hook up as a friend or somebody they were attracted to? oh yes,easy question. so stay that way please,even if nc seems hard

[fiat500]

wait what?

 

we started dating in the spring. he pursued me. I shot him down a few times because he was going away to college and as we all know college is a pretty big relationship killer. But he persisted. And I gave in. Should have listened to my gut even though I really liked him. After living at college for three months he told me he didn't feel close to me anymore. The end.

 

I don't intend on being his friend if he offers it. I feel like I went through a disposal heap. Why the hell would I want to be his friend?

[TheGrimSweeper]

I have been dumped by the same girl twice now, first time after 10 months, we got back together a few weeks later and were properly together three weeks after. Second time was three weeks ago after 17 months. From talking to people it doesnt happen overnight but it does happen, i mean second chances happen, third chances on the other hand...Unfortunately for me seems unlikely

 

What happened on the second breakup? What did she say?

 

I'm in a similar situation. Same girl now has ended it twice, basically saying she loves me and will always love me, and can see herself with me in the future but not right now, its not the right time for her to be in a relationship. She dealing with some heavy emotional issues with her parents seperating but I dont know if thats just an excsuse or not. First time after a year and 4 months, broke up for 2 months, then back together for 6 months.

 

First time i stayed friends for a bit cause I was pretty devastated, but then stopped and went to no contact and she came back after 3 weeks.

 

Second time (which happened Monday) she was extremely upset when I wouldn't be friends, balling her eyes out. I learned the first time not to go down the friends path, it was terrible on me and I made no progress in moving on. I dont know, if she'll come back or not, the way it ended it kinda seems like she will, I just dont think I can take her back again, not a 3rd time.

Edited December 3, 2010 by TheGrimSweeper

[Jdw_Icequeen]

I'm sorry Icequeen. I didn't see your post. But your situation is different since you have a longer history with the other person. Relationships that last for 6 months or less really don't seem to have a shot at second chances. But that's my opinion and I might be wrong.

 

Well we were together a little over a year and a half. We have a baby together. I will never beable to do complete nc. You can be togther for yrs and not end up getting a second chance. I hope things can be repaired, but I just don't know anymore. I'm not sure how long I can be "friends" and take things slow. In the end its whats best for me that counts. Right now I am just riding with the waves. If and when its time to get out of the water, I will know I gave it all I could.

[andrew-bkk]

Here's how it usually goes down. And unfortunately everyone is going to fall for this trap:

 

-the breakup

 

-the no contact period

 

-the proposal by the dumper of "just being friends"

 

Do NOT accept this proposal. It isn't a true friendship request. It's for the dumper to ease their guilt away while using you. They may not say so but it's how they really feel. While they heal and see you as a person less and less, you will suffer while holding onto a fake feeling of hope.

 

Walk away with dignity when they ask you to be friends. Being just friends is not good enough for you so why should you give it to them?

 

Wisdom. Pure wisdom. Genius. Pure genius.

[Livelovelearn]

What about if you live about an hour away from eachother in different regions? My ex and I will most likely never run into eachother, if we do its rare maybe once throughout the year. N we had a pretty bad break up. I actually reached out to him because i wanted him to know that i didnt hate him. I have forgiven him for the most part. We arent the best of friends, we are just on speaking terms. We message eachother here and there. I know deep down theres a bit of feelings for me left in him and i know he knows that i still have feelings for him. My point is you cannot always say friendship doesnt mean second chances. I bet if i never reached out to my ex, given the distance and everything, he would have just continued on. I just wanted him to know i didnt hate him and i wished him the best but he continued contact with me. So i dont know, in my situation it feels like i had no choice, i didnt want him to completely forget me

[kaygato]

I hope this is true, because this is my current plan. I just know if he asks me to be friends it will be like a living hell of false hope, and I can't make myself go through that. Sure...once I've completely moved on and start dating again, I can be his friend. But not for a long long time. He needs to see there are consequences to breaking up with me...and one is not having me there. At all.

 

Fiat...you said earlier you can't get a guy back who is in college. Well, I'm not trying to say my ex is better or anything, but all of last year we dated long distance while he was a freshman in college and I was a senior in high school. It worked fine for us. I chose to atttend a college about an hours drive away. The break up happened mainly because of me acting kind of bitchy because of college stress, but it was looking like we'd get back together quite soon after the break up. Then his parents took away his car for his 16 year old brother to drive and also told him they were separating. This really messed things up for us. Even though there is a bus that runs every day....he can't see any way the relationship will work.

 

It's just so frustrating, but I'm going to try and busy myself with schooland make lots of friends. Hopefully lots of guy friends who can post on my facebook wall with flirty messages lol. I really don't want to move on completely...not yet. But I'm gonna be strong and not accept attempts at friendship. I think I'll just use the line "I'm sorry but I'm not ready to talk yet". Or I'll ignore him completely. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

[swfc_77]

i dont believe in second chance's buts thats just because i'v done it and it went t*ts up.

 

i think if you have commitments with somebody ie; kids, mortgage or/and marriage then its completely different. there's more at stake.

 

if your young and someone has left you once then i think that they will always do it again some point down the line, taking them back, no matter how you accept them back just shows your a forgiving person, people will abuse this.

 

i think the 1 thing i have learnt about relationships is always listen to your gut feeling.

 

when i first met my ex, people told me she was a tart, my gut said stay away. but i didn't.

 

while we was together, she acted immature, spoilt and very demanding, my gut said get out. i didn't

 

when we split up and she got with some1 else, then came back after 2 months. my gut said, this will never work she will do it again, i didn't listen and she did it again.

 

i'v had an experience from this relationship but really i wished i'd never given the girl another chance because i worked so hard to get over her the first time and i really did start to make something of myself, then in the blink of an eye she was back and she's done it again and put me back to square 1, and this time its a lot f***in harder to move on.

 

i always wonder where i would be if i didn't give her that second chance.

 

regarding second chances - dont listen to anyone on here, people have their own opinions but thats all they are - opinions.

 

just go with your gut feeling, if there even 1% doubt, do not get involved again its not worth the time or effort and not worth the heart ache.

 

but as they say - love is blind

[dk.bnz.chi]

i did NC and got ex back,did friendship and got ex back,argued and got ex back,drove off with ex hanging on my car window and got ex back,cheated got caught and got ex back,and i could keep going and going.

i was the dumper and got ex back,i was the dumpee and got ex back

[dk.bnz.chi]

i have a tattoo on my left forearm that says

"be a man of value,live strong,trust your instincts. you haven't failed until you quit trying."

listening to your gut is a pretty wise thing to do

[Jdw_Icequeen]

i have a tattoo on my left forearm that says

"be a man of value,live strong,trust your instincts. you haven't failed until you quit trying."

listening to your gut is a pretty wise thing to do

 

 

Nicley said!

[Surfer203]

I have a tattoo of a heart with wings on the back of my forearm and the heart has a missle piercing it. I also have a tattoo of a decapitated zombie woman who has had her cheek ripped open exposing her teeth haha. Believe me.. I am not a psychopath.

[GreenPolicy]

Second chances DO happen...but they are very much the exception and not the rule.

 

Off the top of my hand I can think of two of my friends and my sister and brother in law where reconciliation occurred. My brother in law and sister dated for four years, she dumped him, he hung around as a friend, they got back together nine months later and then got engaged, married, the rest is history. One of my friends got dumped by her guy right as they were looking at rings. His dad had died and a combination of that and cold feet/jitters led him to breaking it off. They got back together after a year and recently got married. One of my friends from work dated her bf for 2.5 years, they drifted apart, stopped calling each other, so there was no official breakup, but emotionally he was probably the dumper and she was the dumpee. And she reached out to him after a few months and they got back together eventually and are going strong today.

 

If you're a dumpee, the person you want to get back after a breakup is yourself, not your ex. Get right and move on, and the sooner you do that, you'll be able to date again. And if your ex does comes back someday, they'll be coming back to somebody who has their **** together. It's win-win in other words. In my situation, I am having a hard time emotionally accepting the relationship is over with my ex. I don't want to pine after her and hang onto false hopes. My goal is to process my grief and maintain NC. Ask yourself what you want your ex to be coming back to - somebody who is an emotional wreck and has been pining away in neediness in their absence? They'll see that and pick up on it. Or somebody who has used the time apart to better themselves? Don't worry about reconciliation. It's not really possible anyways until you get yourself back. And when you get yourself back, you won't really care anymore about getting back with your ex.