Not a good situation

[oa517]

I broke up with my ex of 2 and a half years this past summer. Things had been going south for 3 or 4 months and I just couldn't do it anymore. Throughout our relationship, we had very good and very bad times. She put us on a break twice, but when we got back together everything turned back to being great.

 

Since I broke up with her, I have started seeing a new girl for about 2 months now. My ex has made numerous pleas to get me back. I still have a lot of love for her, and I wish I could go back in time and change it all and be with her. Last night she said she's at her breaking point, but I told her I wasn't ready to make a decision yet because I need to know she's for real. I feel like the only way to prove that is in time.

 

I don't want to keep her waiting in uncertainty, but I know she's the person I always want to be with. I'm confused.

[AlisaMarie]

I think how your feel is normal. You love this girl, but you have been through so much that you just need away from it for a while. I am a fool that thinks love will always pull through. But on the other hand, I feel that life is too short... and you should be with the one you know you love. I just want to ask you something and I want you to answer me honestly... How do you feel for this new girl you are seeing since you know you still love you ex?

 

I ask because I have been on and off with my ex, and he really blames me for us breaking up... but I honestly did nothing. He didn't trust me and seriously made stuff up to try to call me out on things. It was weird because I wear my heart on my sleeve and never lied/cheated. I never even did anything since we broke up in July... except with him! (on and off from then till now...terrible.) I am going on 5 days NC, but I know he is seeing someone else. The last time we parted I really think he felt guilty because he was lying to both of us ... but he chose her over me.

 

I just want to know how you feel about your ex, since you are seeing someone else. Like, can you move on or are you really considering giving your ex another try?

[oa517]

Honestly... I don't have strong feelings for this girl I'm seeing now. I feel like a terrible person for putting myself in the situation I'm in. My ex hurt me a bunch of times and I kept telling her it was because of something unresolved from her childhood. She denied it until recently, and says she has made peace with it.

 

She says she knows without any doubt that I'm the right guy for her. I've never felt so comfortable just talking to someone and generally being with her. We both feel this way. I don't get that sense of comfort with this new girl. I feel like I have to try and force things to be fun.

[poorguy]

That's what I wanted to know..Like how do you feel about the new girl??? Does she know for example that you've been communicating with your ex? My ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend since the week we broke up in June. I have been seeing someone since August and maybe a month ago her and I starting talking again, but we both have other people in our lives now. I know she still loves me and I still love her but I too don't know where to go with her or even how to do it. I really like the new girl, she's great, but I really love my ex....Oh what to do, what to do

[oa517]

My current gf does not know I'm in contact with my ex, and I'm sure she would be very upset and most likely break up with me if she did know. Another thing that sucks is that she bought me all this stuff for the holidays and says she can't wait to give them to me. I know this isn't a reason to stay with someone, but it definitely makes things harder.

 

I just feel imprisoned by this situation and all I want is a way to figure it out without hurting anyone, even though I know it's impossible.

[poorguy]

My current doesn't know either. I know that my exes boyfriend doesn't know that she stays in contact with me either. I know for a fact he would freak out if he saw some of the cray emails she's sent me about our sex life and all of that-I know I would....

 

My advice is just give everything a little more time and see what develops. That's what I'm gong to do. My ex has to almost come out and say she wants me back for good for me to even consider it

 

By the way good for you for improving yourself and hitting the gym and living your life. That's exactly what I have done and I've never felt better

[AlisaMarie]

Yeah, someone is going to get hurt. My ex was seeing someone new and was lying to me about it... saying she was a really good friend. He was also lying to her telling her that he was sleeping when he was with me. Ultimately, he must have picked her because he ended things with me. But he left that door cracked by saying "maybe the future will hold something for us together," and "I still love you and can't let you go." Does your ex know you are involved?

[oa517]

Yes, she knows I've been seeing someone but doesn't know many details since she deleted me as a facebook friend after we ended. She tried to add me again a couple weeks ago but I havent responded to the request yet. I feel so bad for her because I went through what she is going through for months on end.

 

I know I've been acting stupid, and the solution is simple, but far from easy. Deep down I want to spend the rest of my life with my ex, but I don't know how to make that happen at this moment. I've taken so much emotional pain that it's hard to just jump right back to that, even after a couple months. If I could take back getting involved with this new girl I would, because it would make things so much easier for everyone, including her.

[AlisaMarie]

Ok. That makes sense and I feel your sincerity... honestly, my ex and me loved each other a ton. I know he's seeing someone new like I mentioned above. He said I hurt him, there was a lot of things that would just make for a hard relationship and he wasn't ready. His quote "I think we need to just go our separate ways at the moment..you're a great girl and maybe the future will hold something for us... I still love you and can't let you go, I can't just let you back in, idk." Do you think he's letting me down softly- or just truly needs to be out there and away to see if love really does prevail? I am asking you this because in your story, you kind of seem like him (but not a douche).

[poorguy]

Alisamarie.. I have this weird feeling that your ex, if you LEAVE him alone, is going to come around to you, sorry I don't mean to jump in on someone elses thread like that.

[oa517]

Haha thank you. I don't know what type of person he really is, although you do describe him as a douche. In my situation, I really love her and wish there was a way to fix it right now and I would do it in a heartbeat if I could.

 

If he was never really a liar, you can probably take what he's saying at face value. He must feel what I do. An attachment and sense of loyalty to someone you shared your life with for X many years. It's just so hard to come back from that, and commit to long-term uncertainty.

[fiat500]

Very sorry to intrude, guys, but I have a question. If you really love your exes like you claim then why are you hanging on to your new girlfriend(s)/boyfriend(s) if you don't feel as much passion toward them? It's not really fair to them even though I know it's the holidays and all. Shouldn't you have at least waited to completely be over your ex or at least figured out that you really loved them while being single?

 

Okay also, I think when guys say things like "i really love you and can't let you go..but can't let you back in.." they're full of sh**t. give me a break. i really love you but can't let you back in? Is it really that gray? Don't mean to offend anyone. Would just like to know. Thanks

[oa517]

I am definitely in the wrong in this situation. I won't argue on that. I made conscious decisions, and they came back to bite me. With that said, I thought I was over my ex. I felt like I had emotionally checked out a couple months before the relationship even ended. Now it turns out that I really wished we both tried harder.

 

I guess you never really know how you feel until it's right in front of you. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I'm not looking for someone to validate my opinions just because I want someone to agree with me. I'm just looking for some advice and a place to get my thoughts out.

[AlisaMarie]

Very sorry to intrude, guys, but I have a question. If you really love your exes like you claim then why are you hanging on to your new girlfriend(s)/boyfriend(s) if you don't feel as much passion toward them? It's not really fair to them even though I know it's the holidays and all. Shouldn't you have at least waited to completely be over your ex or at least figured out that you really loved them while being single?

 

Okay also, I think when guys say things like "i really love you and can't let you go..but can't let you back in.." they're full of sh**t. give me a break. i really love you but can't let you back in? Is it really that gray? Don't mean to offend anyone. Would just like to know. Thanks

Poorguy: Just out of curiosity, why do you think that?

And fiat- I guess in some cases it can be gray. Like oa517, he loved this girl, but needed to realize how much- and sometimes that's done while apart. I agree with you... I think they are full of sh**. But why even say all that? Why not just say... hey it was fun, but I'm out?

[poorguy]

That's the thing- you don't know until you go out and live your life. I haven't told the girl I'm dating that I love her and she knows all to well that I went through a recent breakup from a girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The new girl is gorgeous and wonderful and any guy would be lucky to get a hold of her so no matter what happens she'll hit the ground running an knows that...Bottom line is I like her but I love my ex

[Jdw_Icequeen]

oa517 you really just threw a steak in a tank full of sharks lol..

 

Its nice to have some perspective into a guys feelings who checked out of the relationship and regrets it.

 

I would like to say however yes things can be very gray! I imagine a traffic jam in your head you can't move forward you can't move back.

 

Its confusion. When they are stressed and the relationship is bringing on more stress the clarity of mind and how you feel for someone gets very grayed!! After my ex left me last week I realized I had alot of doubts to about the relationship and even my love for him.

 

I've realized since I really do love him! But still have alot of confusion of what I want though. I know its hard for you to see somone being so confused after promising you there love and the world on a platter.

 

Its like there a totally diffrent person. But when someone is drownding the only thing they have left they can do is reach for anything to get themselves out. You can't blame someone for feeling the way they feel!

Even though that it hurts.

[oa517]

Yea, I figured I'd get some flack for it haha. To be clear, I put myself out there for nearly 3 years, but she just couldn't accept it. Now she says without any doubt she will marry me on the spot if I proposed. We're both 23 and live with our parents, but I understand she's just trying to say she wants to be with me forever.

 

She hurt me so much, and I spent months upon months just sitting around hurting. I'm afraid of 3 things:

 

1) Is she for real this time and has she gotten past her issues like she claims

 

2) Will she resent me for being involved with someone else

 

3) Can we both get over the pain? I feel like I can if she can. It has to be mutual for it to work.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

1. You will never know if you don't try and get to know her again.

 

2. That is very possible, but not somthing that can't be worked through.

 

3. No one can answer that for you!

 

You seem for the most part to have a calm head on your shoulders. If your going to develope a plan to see if things can be worked through with her. Your going to have to lose the gf you have now. Don't give your ex false hope. Even though your calm you still seem confused. My suggestion and you may not like this. Maybe you need some time on your own. No new chick no ex chick. I can't say how long that should be. But only you can work through your confusion so you can get to a point in finding whats truly right for you!! Stay strong!

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[oa517]

Thank you, your answers and thoughts help a lot. I hope I make the right decision in the long run, and I hope all of you do too.

 

Thanks again everyone!!

[fiat500]

I am definitely in the wrong in this situation. I won't argue on that. I made conscious decisions, and they came back to bite me. With that said, I thought I was over my ex. I felt like I had emotionally checked out a couple months before the relationship even ended. Now it turns out that I really wished we both tried harder.

 

I guess you never really know how you feel until it's right in front of you. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I'm not looking for someone to validate my opinions just because I want someone to agree with me. I'm just looking for some advice and a place to get my thoughts out.

 

Thanks for clearing that up, oa517. It's nice to hear things from a guy's perspective. I wish you the best with your situation and I hope you do the right thing.

[helovesmeyes]

Hi oa517... I have some advice, go back with your ex and take things slow! If she moves on you will regret not moving sooner trust me, and she will probably not come back due to her ego. You guys should talk it out and make sure that you are on the same page, and just go with the flow dating slowly. I'm sure she has learned from her mistakes, and sometimes love is a risk, but you always protect yourself when you take it slow and make sure it's right for you.