shout-out to anyone whose life has been made miserable by porn-jealousy

[jenny]

heaven knows we have heard a great deal on this topic from the other side.

 

this thread is for anyone who wants to vent about not being allowed to view porn, being spied on, or dealing with someone who has a divergent opinion about porn than yourself and pressured you to change. and, of course, as an open space for debate, as usual.

 

it may not fly. people on the other emotional side of this issue are not often heard from.

 

i will share that my fiance has a very controlling mother, and had an even more controlling ex-girlfriend, so i have really heard and understood his side of this particular story. (i do now realize that all women who seek to eliminate porn do NOT have control issues; these two did, but that is no indication of anyone else)

it's something we talked about at the onset, and with a few minor skirmishes, we've settled into some excellent compromises. i now defend his liberty as he would defend my privacy -it works well for us; we are lucky.

 

i have not really seen this POV much here, i'm not sure why, but i would be curious about it.

[Fedup&givingup]

I am not comfortable with my husband viewing pornography. I have never told him he can't have it, or anything like that. I expressed my distaste in it, and it has always been interesting to me that immediately when "caught" with it, he gets embarrassed and ashamed.

 

I've explained how him resorting to pornography makes me feel completely inadequate. I wouldn't say I've got control issues, maybe some level of inferiority issues.

 

To some extent, porn can be the batteries...hey, whatever it takes, but on another level it can make A LOT of women feel like second choice.

 

The pattern I see over and over is that when it's been discussed and agreed upon in any relationship that there will be no pornography and/or that it REALLY bothers a partner and the person hides it and has it anyway, then it's a problem. I don't feel that has anything to do with control issues, but more or less communication, trust, and honesty issues.

 

The control issues come into play when the woman (or whoever) demand and insist that there WILL be no pornography, period. It's quite another thing to express your feelings on a matter only to be lied to about it and then have your feelings completely ignored.

[jenny]

in your case, particularly, i can *definitely* see that point of view. and i do think people have a right to censor what comes into their own homes, certainly!

 

i just like this sort of thing - i like the know the anger on one side is tempered by opposition, i suppose. i think there is something a bit dangerous about this whole debate because it is not balanced as of yet. in real life, emotional testimony always wins over logic - it's odd, but it does. i suppose i wanted to see if anyone has as strong of an emotional reaction as the a fellow or three that i know.

 

p.s. i really think your point about this being an issue which must be agreed upon beforehand is the best one, and the most viable solution thus far. really, that is the most logical solution, and the most humane one.

 

people listen to emotional stories. i think a brief collection of stories form men who have been hurt by this would be a welcome addition to the overall discussion. i'm trying to push my guy into posting his - it's a doozy - but he is a bit shy about that sort of thing.

 

p.p.s i also know i will take some slack for this - and i'm learning to be ok with that. to me, the scholarly goal of having well-balanced anecdotal evidence is worth getting yelled at a bit, but it took me a while and an uncle-phone-call to decide that.