This particular BS' point of view

[silktricks]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others. This is just an anonymous board, but if we choose to be cruel and heartless anonymously, it doesn't speak well of how we act when others see us.

[OWoman]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others. This is just an anonymous board, but if we choose to be cruel and heartless anonymously, it doesn't speak well of how we act when others see us.

 

Great post, Silk!

 

On the bolded bit - I agree very strongly. It's all about using the opportunity that the crisis (the A) presented to learn the lessons and make the changes that are required for future success - whether WS, BS or AP - whichever outcome results.

 

Thank you for posting this.

[ItsNeverForever]

I'm with OWoman - GREAT POST!

 

I'm just gonna quote you here, because you must be in my head: "I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit."

 

This is not to say that I think God likes to see us in affairs fraught with deceit and pain, but I do not believe "he" (lol) judges us for how we react to our hearts. God knows better than anyone how inherently flawed we are as humans, understands our hearts and loves us anyway. I thank God for that very thing every day!

 

Thanks for posting this! You've made my heart smile today.

[Silly_Girl]

That's a beautiful post Silk, and some parts really spoke to me personally in a constructive way.

 

Many thanks indeed.

 

"Perspective" really springs to mind.

[scatterd]

I believe god is a loving person but I also beleive that we are suppose to follow the ten comandments and try our best to be more like jesus.God is a forgiving god and when asked to be forgived he will but he also exspects us to learn from it and not to continue repeating our sin.Also we should truly be sorry for what we have done.Our sins are to be judged by god and only god.We are not hear to judge others and when we do we are sinning.As he says the one that have no sin cast the first stone.

[jthorne]

I believe God forgives those that ask to be forgiven and do their best to change their ways.

[Mimolicious]

Ditto JThorne . Many don't believe in God, so that may be a bit of a clash.

[MorningCoffee]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others. This is just an anonymous board, but if we choose to be cruel and heartless anonymously, it doesn't speak well of how we act when others see us.

 

 

Thank you for this post. It reflects so many aspects of what I have come to believe -- in large measure, a result of the challenge and growth that my affair forced upon me. So thanks!

[Confused4Now]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I have to say if I didn't meet my xMW I would still be in my marriage today just cause I never thought I'd find love. It took my xMW to show there was someone out there who could love me and I learned what I was in was not healthy at all.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

Anything is possible..All I know is I finally walked away with my respect and dignity so that xMW could make her own decisions without me in the picture.

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I have to agree with this....any HEALTHY person who does the work to get to a better place and learn the lessons will probably not make the same mistakes.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I guess I'm a glass if half full on this one. If my xMW succeeds in making her marriage better or does Divorce good for her. I do know I'm in a better place today....

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

AMEN to this....wow so true in my case.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

And I'm so blessed to have the same kinda people in my life...

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

AGREED....Life is about choices and lessons learned. God will always be their for his children.

I want to add as well this was a excellent post.

In bold....

[herenow]

OK, so I do agree with most of your post.

 

But, when it comes to believing in G-d, I have to say I'm a bit confused.

 

Just for now let's say that adultery is a sin. I know that is not true for all religions, but let's just say for this post an affair is against G-d's will.

 

Can't have it both ways. A person can't claim to be true to their religion and have an affair at the same time. Seems so contradictory in so many ways.

 

I don't have much more to say other than this concept truly confuses me.

[jennie-jennie]

Great post, Silk! I agree with every word!

[TigerCub]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others. This is just an anonymous board, but if we choose to be cruel and heartless anonymously, it doesn't speak well of how we act when others see us.

 

WOW Silk, that was a fantastic post!

 

I especially agree with the parts in bold & I think I'm gonna print that last paragraph of yours - I've been so cynical and jaded in the past few years and my A certainly didn't help me there - but its nice to go back to the positive attitude that you've shown in your post.

[bentnotbroken]

I believe God forgives those that ask to be forgiven and do their best to change their ways.

 

 

Completely agree. But even if we don't change, he still loves us. We just can't expect his grace and mercy to go on forever when we willing chose to repeatedly do the wrong thing. I am a believer that what God had joined together no man should put asunder....but I don't think God put all marriages together. We have free will and some of us use that free will to choose what WE want, not what God wants for us.

 

Even those marriages not ordained by God can and will be successful. I know people who started marriage after being affair partners. A couple of those have made amends with the BS, asked forgiveness from God and live according to his word. There are others who don't believe in God's covenant marriage and you can see the train wreck coming. They found it easy to check out of the marriage before so they are doing it again when the same issues creep in. Then there are those who don't believe in God and are doing just fine.

 

Do I believe God condones adultry...nope. I remember Mr. Messy told OW in one of his emails that they were ordained by God(he never could show me where that was in the Bible:rolleyes:) but I think based on some of the things that have happened since then...God disagreed with him.

 

I will always believe there is a right way to do things. Ending one relationship before beginning another and letting all the people involved have the same info is the right thing to do. Everyone should be able to make choices that are in their best interests...not just those involved in the affair.

[stillafool]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others. This is just an anonymous board, but if we choose to be cruel and heartless anonymously, it doesn't speak well of how we act when others see us.

 

Maybe so, but I hope you have this same attitude if you ever marry and your husband cheats on you with another woman.

[OWoman]

Maybe so, but I hope you have this same attitude if you ever marry and your husband cheats on you with another woman.

 

Uh - did you read the title of the thread? Silk is a fBS. She's BTDT. And has this attitude.

[freestyle]

Maybe so, but I hope you have this same attitude if you ever marry and your husband cheats on you with another woman.

 

 

For the record, Silktricks is a BS. she and her H have reconciled. she's been through it, she's speaking from experience.

[silktricks]

Maybe so, but I hope you have this same attitude if you ever marry and your husband cheats on you with another woman.

 

I am married - and a fBS. In fact, I've been married twice and cheated on by both husbands. The first I divorced - and that was the right choice to make. The second I forgave - and that was the right choice as well. They were different people, different circumstances and different reasons.

 

I posted what I believe.

 

I will add that I don't believe that having an affair is the best choice to make, but all of us make less than stellar choices at times. I do not have a crystal ball and cannot state that anyone else's choice is bad. I can only say whether or not my choice is bad - and usually I cannot even say that until I see the results of the choice in my rearview mirror...

[Hazyhead]

Maybe so, but I hope you have this same attitude if you ever marry and your husband cheats on you with another woman.

 

Eh? Did you mispost this?

 

A lovely post, Silktricks; you have such a balanced, open perspective. I agree that we should, at the very least, use our experiences to grow as a person and learn. My view of God has changed some recently, due to other factors, and maybe I'll rectify that soon... I hope so, but still I want to do right now by myself and those I love and perhaps that will help me find my way back.

[SoMovinOn]

First of all, I will admit this was not at all what I expected when I read the title.

 

As for this...

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others.

 

... it is one of the most awesome things I have ever read. I would very much like to post it as my FB status, to share it with others. May I?

[jj33]

Great post Silk. Very moving

[silktricks]

First of all, I will admit this was not at all what I expected when I read the title.

 

As for this...

 

 

 

... it is one of the most awesome things I have ever read. I would very much like to post it as my FB status, to share it with others. May I?

 

Certainly. I'm honored.

[2themoon&back]

I just finished reading a thread on this board and was dismayed at some of the opinions. So, with that in mind I decided to start my own thread.

 

I do not believe that every affair is bad.

 

I believe that it is quite possible for an MM (or MW) to leave a marriage and end up very happily with their former affair partner.

 

I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater", nor do I think that because a relationship began as an affair that it means their later marriage is "doomed" to failure.

 

I do think that good CAN come out of an affair, whether the affair "succeeds" or the marriage "succeeds" - and I do not believe that simply because a marriage continues to exist that constitutes success.

 

I do not believe that because a marriage was made "before God" that it is automatically the right thing for both people in the marriage. And if it is not right for both people, then it is not right.

 

I think many people who are in affairs are wonderful, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful (and thought provoking) people.

 

I think I'm tired of seeing God used to bludgeon people into doing (or thinking) one way. If you can't see that God loves all people, then you may need to expand your views a bit.

 

I think that every one of us gets challenged by life every day. We can rise to the challenge and use it to change us for the better, or not. We can grow in kindness or become sullen and sour. We can act as if the world needs to change to fit us or realize that the world is just a bunch of people as equally challenged as we are. The world is what we make it, for ourselves as well as others. This is just an anonymous board, but if we choose to be cruel and heartless anonymously, it doesn't speak well of how we act when others see us.

 

Your words leave me speechless; they are kind, open minded and honest.

 

You should be awarded for your ability to look outside yourself and see the big picture and in your thread you have proven you can.... You are one in a million and I feel privileged that I stopped to read your post

 

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself!!!

 

I am grateful.

[spice4life]

Excellent post silktricks. These are my views exactly...thank you for taking the time to post them. You're awesome!

[turnstone]

Just because an OW and a MM are human and consequently will make mistakes, doesn't give them the right to be forgiven and not castigated for their actions that have caused untold hurt.

 

Just because an OW and a MM end up together in a successful relationship doesn't mean their affair should be forgiven and not condemned for causing untold hurt.

 

Just because and OW and a MM are kind, thoughtful, generous people in other aspects of their lives, doesn't give them the automatic right to understanding and compassion when their actions are the opposite of kind, thoughtful and generous and have caused untold hurt.

 

Just because two people who are married to one another, aren't as right for one another as they need to be to have a successful marriage, doesn't give either of them the automatic right to have an affair which will cause untold hurt.

 

Finally, no affair can be condoned, whether or not the consequences of it are good. In the case of an affair, the end never justifies the means.

 

I understand the sentiment OP, and whilst being cruel and heartless towards someone who doesn't deserve it is actually as destructive to the person feeling those emotions as the person on the receiving end, there is absolutely no responsibility for the BS to feel anything but intense dislike towards the OW, or MM and threads like these annoy the hell out of me for the implied pressure on the BS to be this saintly person with no right to the pain her husband and his OW have caused her.

[siuys]

Great post, Silk. I think forgiveness is so important - yourself and others. Things are never black and white. We live in a world of shades, at times colourful ones.