If your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

[dyermaker]

I am completely sure that I would never be cheated on, you can argue that one is incapable of such knowledge, but you're certainly not going to change my mind.

 

That said, if in some parallel universe it happened, I would NOT want to know. How about you?

[lilvoyce7321]

I would want to know. My health is worth more than my pride. I don't want to catch AID's or whatever.

 

-lilvoyce

[jenny]

no, i would not want to, but i think i would anyway.

 

i think i would read it right away. i think i'd smell it, intuitively. i know when my partner feels ennui, when he feels bravado, when he's just hungry or horny. i think it would really hard *not* to know with him.

 

why would you not want to know?

[Darkangelism]

I would, the possibility for disease and the whole honesty thing.

[dyermaker]

For me, it's not a pride issue, it's the preference of maintaining something that I've invested my soul in. If I knew, I couldn't continue, and if I couldn't continue, I could never look forward, it's sort of a paradox.

 

If I caught the HIV virus, the chances of it developing into AIDS are exponentially less than the possibility of my soul willingly moving on to someone else.

[carla]

I'm with you dyer I like to think that my fiance would never cheat on me. He's the type of guy that would probably tell me if he did. Or maybe not. (I've told him if he did, he would think Lorena Bobbit was nice. )

 

That is a very hard question to answer. On one hand I would want to know b/c I have every right to know, on the other hand it would tear my world to pieces.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by carla

(I've told him if he did, he would think Lorena Bobbit was nice. )

At least you cultivate a garden of honesty

[carla]

There's something to be said for honesty.

[befuddled11]

Most definitely, without a doubt, I'd want to know.

 

I want a relationship that's based on truth, I don't want to be living a lie. I have always been completely 100% faithful in all of my relationships, even when I was younger. I expect that in a partner, it's a non-negotiable, just as infidelity is an immediate deal-breaker. I'm very big on mutual respect, and I expect to be respected as I would respect my partner. Along with respect, no doubt, comes honesty and loyalty.

 

The truth always comes out in the end. I've been in relationships before where I was cheated on. My very first serious relationship, which lasted from age 18-21, he cheated on me with 3 different women over the last 2 yrs of our relationship. I was naive then, I didn't "know the signs." I was naive in believing that if you loved someone, you wouldn't cheat on them (as that's how I looked at it). When I did find out about his sideline activities, and how long they'd been going on for, I was devastated and felt like a fool. However, I've learned a lot since then, moreso about the "red flags" that indicate something isn't "right." If my partner is screwing around, they don't deserve me...so tell me the truth so that I can make an INFORMED decision about what *I* am going to do......which inevitably would be to immediately terminate the relationship.

 

I'm not someone who believes in giving a cheater a second chance. Nope, you get once chance with me, you blow it, you're gone. I have a lot of personal integrity and I expect the same in a partner, and if they can't deliver, b'bye. Trust has to be the foundation of a relationship and if they breach that, I do not believe it can ever be fully regained.

 

Of course, on the health side of it......with respect to sexually transmitted diseases and deadly things like HIV and Hepatitis B, in a perfect world, I'd hope to know about their plans to screw around before it happened, so that I could get out before my health was jeopardized.

 

In all areas of my life and career, not just this issue of cheating, I like to have all the information before me..so that I can be as informed as possible. I'm not one to sit idly by, living like a mushroom, in the dark, and just brushing something under the carpet.

[WWDDFD]

I don't understand why anyone would possibly cheat in the first place.

[lilvoyce7321]

What if you were in a marriage that has been wonderful for lets say 10-12 years and you have had many beautiful children and memmories with your spouse. Lets say something devistating happened and your spouse had a heart attack or something huge and traumatic happen. In a momment of his or her weakness they stepped out and was unfaithful just one time. But for 12 years they have been faithful. Your spouse feels terrible about the afair. Your children love their DADDY/Mommy. Are you going to be so quick to give that marriage up? Really? You wouldn't even give it a second thought? Just curious.

 

-lilvoyce

[jenny]

i think it's possible to decide to not want to know, for understandable reasons.

 

if i honestly assess my character, i am not sure that i would not decide to look the other way if i had kids and a great deal to lose financially if i were to confront and leave, particularly if the other woman in question was no one of consequence. (i.e. not a friend, co-worker, or actual emotional threat for whatever reason)

 

there is something i get about wives who look the other way and cultivate an unnatural interest in the pool boy that i 'get'- i hope it never happens to me, but i think it's currently an empty emotional space where conviction should be.

 

(i'm not sure i would know how to fill that space, either.)

[gaia]

It depends. If it was a quick, meaningless, one-off with no emotional attachment or if the affair had already finished, then I wouldn't want to know.

[look forward]

If depends on the situation and circumstance.. I mean if I have been married for a long time and are going through some difficult times and my partner strays and its a moment of weakness and just a one off then I'd rather not know about it.. people make mistakes..

 

but if its more than that and it happens more than once or worse still a long term affair that is not only physical but emotional then I'd want to know about it.. no matter how much i love my partner i love myself more and I wont want to be living a lie..

[MeToo]

I’ve read the above post and one thing sticks out true and clear…..The love in your heart. With a lot (committed relationship), you don’t care. You will “overlook” this minor infraction for you think it’s a passing fling. With a little love (casual relationship) it becomes paramount. Sitting at the apex is the health issue. How can any one not want to know? In all relationships, thinking with your head is first (Lilvoyce7321, Darkangelism, Befuddled11, gaia). For those who think with your heart, you are not “expecting” anything alarming.

 

Having morals and self-esteem in yourself will dictate this level of love (hats off to you Befuddled11). If you close your eyes to all that’s going on around you, even though you “feel” deep down inside that something is going on, well, my hat is off to you but in a different way. It is a normal human defense mechanism that drives us to be inquisitive about what the other half is doing while in a relationship. No doubt about it. To reject this natural erg is not normal. Most psychologists will pick up on this in a minute. What drives people to reject this? LOVE, pure and simple. I don’t mean to pick on anyone but, we must get in touch with what is “REAL” and what is just OK in our relationship (dyermaker, jenny). Elevating your “TRUST” above the health issue is just plain ludicrous. Most people would love to be where you are dyermaker.

[morrigan]

I would want to know if my boyfriend cheated on me, and I think it would only be right for someone to tell my boyfriend if I cheated on him. I would still have feelings for them, but it would be hard, at least for me, to reconcile myself to what they did.

 

It depends on an individuals' attitude and past experiences. As far as I know, I never have been cheated on, but my own parents' situation really shaped my views on infidelity.

[yes]

if it was some one-night-stand or something like that, i wouldn't want to know. i sure hope to never have a partner stupid enough not to use protection with a strager.

 

... and if it was a full-blown affair, i think it's impossible not to find out eventually.

 

-yes

[DerangedAngel]

Having been cheated on in some form or fashion in every serious/semi-serious relationship I have been in... I don't know what I'd do if it didn't happen! That sounds awful, I suppose. As much as it has hurt me in the past, I would still want to know about any unfaithful acts. And I would deserve to. Blind love sucks, especially when everyone else knows something you don't.

 

That being said, if I was unfaithful and couldn't tell my partner, I hope someone else would.

 

-Deranged

[brashgal]

One night stand, better not knowing. Unless he was having serial one-night stands.

 

This is not an academic question for me - I wanted to know once evidence mounted.

[Errol]

I would want to know because its more then the act itself -- if my spouse had any kind of fling that tells me that there is something wrong in the marriage and that needs to be fixed.

 

I know my spouse feels the same way because we have talked about it.

[jenny]

for Me too,

 

this is my first relationship where i have felt things were neither hard nor fast. i've dumped guys for poor grammar before; i suppose i take note when i think i would not want to dump this one over anything at all. i do love him unrealistically; it's an interesting point; but, for me, that's an oddly healthy development.

 

any manifestos i might proclaim are disproved by my real life, in love, time with him. i love errol's response. i hope i would take my guy's putative infidelity as a heads-up rather than a breaking point.

[lostforwords]

Ive asked myself this question a few times when this has happened to me.... did i want to know? i can reflect now and say yes i definately wanted to know and will always want to know..... to not wanting to know would only mean i was in denial of the fact that my marriage was in trouble.... thats just a fantasy.... not wanting to know is avoiding the fact there is hardcore problems that could possibly be the demise of a relationship that i had come to depend on and take for granted... ofcourse now i wanted to know and im glad i did.... not wanting to know can also start a whole chain reaction with your thinking such as self worth, and esteem, do people really think im that stupid etc... everyone else knows why dont i want to know?? ignoring it does a hell of a lot worse than actually knowing.... when you find out you can eventually do something about it.... putting it out of your mind eventually creeps up on ya when you least expect it to.... i felt too when i did find out how devastating it was and questioned my own strength as to whether i could deal with it..... youd be surprised how strong the human spirit is.

[UCFKevin]

Yes.

 

Without a doubt. I'd want to know. I'd deserve to know.

 

Ignorance isn't bliss.

[DerangedAngel]

Ignorance isn't bliss.

 

Amen.

[hurtingandconfused]

Of course I'd want to know. It goes back to that saying, "what you don't know won't hurt you" - Ya right!