If your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by lilvoyce7321

What if you were in a marriage that has been wonderful for lets say 10-12 years and you have had many beautiful children and memmories with your spouse. Lets say something devistating happened and your spouse had a heart attack or something huge and traumatic happen. In a momment of his or her weakness they stepped out and was unfaithful just one time. But for 12 years they have been faithful. Your spouse feels terrible about the afair. Your children love their DADDY/Mommy. Are you going to be so quick to give that marriage up? Really? You wouldn't even give it a second thought? Just curious.

 

-lilvoyce

 

As in my first marriage (he was abusive and a cheater), when I stood at the front of the church and recited my vows, I meant them from my heart, very solemnly....there weren't just "words you say on your wedding day"....they were a sincere promise to God, my spouse and to family and friends there..that i would HONOR and cherish, that I would FORSAKE ALL OTHERS, etc.

 

My husband then obviously didn't mean them as sincerely as I did. I will not make that mistake the next time I marry.

 

In my marriage, I was spit on, smacked, cheated on, betrayed, humiliated and neglected as a wife. I guess by today's standards of "self gratification", I would have been justified if I'd sought love/compansionship/intimacy and friendship outside of our marriage..because really, we didn't have a marriage (it takes 2, not just 1)....but the thought never even crossed my mind. Even for the year we were separated (my choice to move out), I didn't feel it was right to even date anyone else. TO me, as long as we were not divorced, we were still married. I take this kind of thing seriously.

 

I will never ever settle for less in my next marriage. I will not say "I accept" (proposal) or "I do" unless I am 1000% certain that my partner is someone who truly believes in the sanctity of marriage, who also believes that cheating is a deal-breaker, and who is not of the mindset that a "one time fling when the marriage is going through a rough patch" is acceptable, and should be overlooked.

 

I am firm on this. I don't care how many years we may already have invested as a married couple, or how many children we have (though at my age, having children is probably not going to happen). I went through the horridly painful devastation of being cheated on, in my marriage and in other relationships. I have never done that to anyone, and I will simply not stand for it. Going into a marriage with me, my future husband will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that infidelity is not ever going to fly. And if I have any doubts that he comprehends how strong I feel about this, I will not marry him. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be betrayed by another spouse. Or boyfriend, even.

 

I don't believe in "moments of weakness"..that's a lame crock. That's "today's" way of thinking. It's not mine.

[Fedup$givingup]

I second your motion, Befuddled. There is NO room or level of tolerance for cheating. NONE, what-so-ever. Does that make me a hard a**? I don't give a rat's patooty what anyone thinks of me. I know my standards, and I in my opinion, once you forgive a cheater for a "one time fling" you are allowing that person to do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[lilvoyce7321]

Hello, I am a voice from experience. I was five years into my marriage and had just had a baby when I found "THE LETTER". I am glad that I found out although it has taken me four years to completely forgive him.

 

I booted him out of the house and refused to take him back. He went on to get help from a therapist and changed his ways.

 

Nothing is gauranteed in life, not even that he won't cheat. I believe that he will not. I tried to work it out for the sake of my love for him, his love for me, and our children.

 

Here is my feelings and an Essay that I wrote somewhere else on this very topic. I wanted to share this with you. I think you really have to have an even balance of thinking with your heart and your head.

 

 

I had the attitude that I could never be cheated on too, until it happened. I thought that if I loved him with all my heart, cooked, cleaned, did everthing I was suppose to that this would never happen to me.

 

What I had to learn was that it was not about me: It was a problem with in him having nothing to do with me. He would have cheated no matter who he was with. I was to young and bind to see that at the time.

 

 

Here is my essay that I wrote at a different site:

 

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So You Want To Cheat On Your Wife/Husband Part 2..Now What?

Dec 27 '03

 

The Bottom Line Don't cheat, get help if you do.

 

You know I just could not help myself. I had written a review in the Kids and Family Section back in October of 2000. It was called, "So you want to Cheat on Your Wife/Husband". Here is the link if you wish to really get the scoop between now and then: http://www.epinions.com/kifm-review-4B8A-DD5113D-39E0CE6C-prod5

 

I just had to write a part two. I had received over 5132 non-member readers to this essay. In the course of all of this time I have had over 300 emails from men and women all over the place. They wanted more. They wanted to know what happens now? What happens in four years, six years, ten years? Will the spouse that got cheated on still feel like they have died inside? Will things ever get better? Can a marriage really work after a spouse cheats? What about the children? Will he/she ever do this again? How can I trust them? Should they be trusted? I wanted to share this number with you to show how much the Kids and Family section/ and these Writer's Corner type sections are important.

 

At the time I had written this essay I had a small Web TV that would not allow me to make paragraphs. It would also not allow me to write much more than a few sentences. I had to cram all of my feelings into a little paragraph. To tell you the truth I hadn't thought much about my essay until I went back to play lets remember a few weeks ago. I just thought I could expand a bit more on the older essay and share a part two, with new thoughts and ideas.

 

So enough with the intro and off to the second part of this essay.

 

Part 2

 

I will take bits and pieces out from my past review to expand on the knowledge and wisdom I have gained over the years.

 

-For whatever reason, sometimes in a marriage a partner may decide to cheat or be unfaithful.

 

Now what? Well if you are going to try to attempt to work at this marriage you need figure out why you cheated, and your spouse needs to exercize patience until you can give them that answer.

 

Sometimes the spouse will never fully understand or accept these reasons. They must decide on whether they can live with the answers or not.

 

If the Why's are not dealt with then I don't think this marriage would be successful. Even if you and your spouse decide to call it quits and you find new mates. You will still have problems in your new lives. The cheater will have not dealt with his problems and repeating these patterns are highly likely.

 

If you are a cheater, you owe this to your spouse to answer that question even if you call it quits. It is a huge burden because your spouse will always wonder what he or she did to deserve this treatment and may have trust issues and insecurites in their future relationships. Don't you owe an answer to them? After all there hearts have been torn out, because of your problems.

 

-People like this feel like they are missing out on something and think that they will find it by being with someone else.

 

They will soon realize that they have made things worse. Time will pass. Regardless of whether or not your spouse sticks around or not, the cheater will realize that there cheating was the real cause of there missing out on things. Once the damage is done, it will never be forgotten. Even in a fixed marriage, there will always be scars. You will feel a need to apologize on occasion when something triggers you both. The spouse will feel a lump in his/her throat. A feeling will come over the both of you and a sadness will be there. Not a word will be said, but both of you know it is there. This will pass, but it will never completely go away.

 

-They will justify their cheating ways by telling themselves that their marriage is having problems.......If you are thinking of cheating there are a few questions you need to ask yourself. Do you really even love your wife or husband?

 

Now that I have thought about that coment that I made in October 2000, I would like to change my mind. I believe that in some case the cheating spouse really does love their mate. I think that in some cases they don't believe that they are good enough for their spouse, or don't deserve to be happy. They feel like they need to lower theirselves in order to be understood.

 

-If you do not then at least have the dignity of leaving this person first. There is no excuse for hurting someone like that.

 

No there is no good excuse for ripping someones heart out. I wish that they would leave and be honest, but the cheater can't even be honest with himself in order to be honest with the spouse. The cheater lies to himself constantly.

 

 

Do you have kids? Remember, when you get a divorce after committing such act you are not just divorcing your spouse, but the kids as well.

 

I want to take that back and also say that this applies to both the cheater and the non cheater.

 

I want to also say that if you decide to keep your marriage and you do have children you need to respect them. There is an average of about a 2 year time period where you and your spouse will do nothing but argue. Even if you and your spouse do work this out, your children will never forget the hurtful words, the fighting, the tears, the crying, and all the pain that comes with dealing and healing. They will become damaged either way whether you stay in the marriage or whether you decide to divorce.

 

You must make a serious commitment not to fight and argue in front of the children. Do not use your children as pawns in your arguements. Of course healthy debate is good for children to see, but this my friend, it is not a healthy debate. It will be an all out war. Hell will break loose, and it will break loose often, for as long as it takes, until every last tear has been shed.

 

........If you should be so lucky and your spouse decides to stay after you have cheated, know that life won't be a bowl of peaches for a long time.

 

Does it get better? Yes, eventually there is light at the end of the tunnel, providing you deal with the problems with or without your spouse.

 

I have seen to many of these marriages that end in divorce only for the cheating spouse to end up cheating in the second marriage. I have seen the non cheating spouse bring trust issues into the new marriage and the new spouse gets blamed for what the cheating spouse has done. The non cheating spouse confuses the new spouse with the old spouse and trouble arises. A disaster happens.

 

I have also seen where the marriage stays together but the couples have not dealt with the issues. I see a couple that never truly finds happiness.

 

- You will feel like you are always on trial

 

This will pass in time providing you set rules and boundaries that both of you can abide by. The best way to make it up to your spouse is to let him/or her know that you can be trusted.

 

To the Reformed Cheater:

 

Start with the little things. Never break your promise, don't be late, call when something comes up. Never lie. Even little white lies will bring up the pain again. How can you expect your spouse to ever trust you with something huge is you can't be trusted with the small things.

 

Yes, he/she is going to bring this up a million times. The fight won't be about the toothpaste lid or the pop can that did not quite make it to the garbage can. It will be about the cheating. It will always be about the cheating until they are ready to move on and deal with their pain. They will come up with every excuse imaginable to distract from the pain. If you are willing and patient enough he/she may forgive you. Are you willing to be patient? If not, go away now. You have done a lot of damage that will not be repaired over night. On the average, you are looking at a two year recovery time.

 

Be honest about the affair. Don't lie or leave details out. He/or she will want to know how they can blame themselves for your cheating. Don't ever say that it was their fault. No one deserves this.

 

To the Non-Cheater:

 

Although you feel the need to know all of the gory details about the affair, you must realize that in situations such as yours, you will have a tendency to be compulsive and dwell on the act itself. You will feel the need to know detailed information such as where, when, how, how many times, where first, why, etc., right down to what color your mate's underwear and socks were that day. You will want to dwell on this over and over again. Okay, if you must do this and know, get it over with quickly. Don't dwell on these things for too long.

 

I know that you will have him/her wanting to repeat the story over and over again in hopes of catching him/her in another lie. You must also realize that details soon become forgotten when they are trying to deal with the guilt they are carrying around. You will have to eventually let this go if you have any hopes of salvaging your marriage.

 

Most of the time the cheater has other issues that they need to deal with that has nothing to do with you. They need time to work on these issues. If they are going to counsiling on a regular basis, you can bet they will have a lot of homework to do concerning their past.

 

Most cheaters do not cheat for sex, but rather cheat because they feel inadaquate about themselves. Most of the time the cheating has to do with their past before you were even in the picture. It is not your fault. It wouldn't of mattered who you are or what you looked like or anything like that. The cheater would have cheated on anyone they were with.

 

Can a couple make it through the infidelity? Yes, if both parties are willing to work at it, and show patience and love. You must be patient with the cheater so he can fix his own problems, just as he must be patient with you.

 

As soon as you get done punishing him/her for the millionth time for cheating, you will have to make some real decisions. If you see that he/she is holding up his end of the bargain, you must take a breath. You need to decide whether or not you chose to really forgive him/or her.

 

Forgiveness, means stop punishing him. Give an ounce of trust. Make a promise to acknowledge the trust. Give a bit more as the trust keeps coming your way. You have to stop punishing him/her. If you have told him or her what you needed in order to make this union work again and he/she is really working on it, and respecting your limits, then you need to acknowledge that. The ball is in your hand. Are you going to drop the ball because you are scared?

 

Would you rather risk it just this time in order to maybe be happy? Or is not ever taking that chance safer than being hurt again? What price are you willing to pay? You need to be up front too. If you tell him that you will take him back if he does_____ or _____ and _____ then mean it.

 

Also, I have seen where sometimes people will turn around and cheat on there cheating spouse. I just want to say that before you consider that, you must ask yourself a question. What are you hoping to gain from it? Do you think you will get out of it what you are expecting? How do you think you will feel afterwards? What about the long term effects? Would it damage any hope you have of ever repairing your relationship? You see how your spouse is carrying that guilt around and he can't even look at his/her own children in the eyes? Do you want to feel like that too? The ball is in your court, don't play into the hype. You will not get what you are hoping from doing this. You already feel bad enough. Don't confuse yourself more.

 

I hope anyone that is going through this can find some good advice here. I know that each situation is different, so take what you can use and discard the rest. I am not a therapist.

 

Above all, don't live with a cheater who will not stop cheating!!!!! Don't let him/her give you a disease that you can never get rid of. Don't ignore your health, you are worth being around for your children, or whom ever holds you close to their hearts. God Bless. This will pass. You will survive.

 

Barbara

 

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I just wanted to share this because the subject ways so much on my heart.

 

Thanks,

 

lilvoyce

[meanon]

I know my husband would tell me if there was a problem in my marriage or I would just know. I'm sure my husband would never be unfaithful to me but then that's what everyone thinks until it happens. Good people make mistakes. It's not an excuse, there is no excuse. Marriages can and do survive it. I wouldn't want to know if my husband had an affair and it was over. I think people often tell to absolve their guilt and make amends. They can't make amends, the damage is done. They should accept the burden of living with the guilt, accepting responsibility for resolving it themselves as they made the mistake themselves. Why destroy another's peace of mind for no reason? It would be a different matter if there was an ongoing problem or risk to the marriage.

[lilvoyce7321]

P.S. My husband and I worked things out. He has really changed his ways. Sometimes I think he has went overboard with the change, but I welcome it open arms. My husband has since went to school and is now certified to be a Minister. He is not practicing anywhere and continues his schooling in religion.

 

He is not the same man that he once was. We have been married for ten years and still going strong. He has also stuck by me through a terrible illness that I now have. He keeps me going at times. I am so glad we worked it out. I can't wait until we hold our first grandchild together. It will mean so much to me. Some people won't have that joy to share between each other. I am looking forward to living the rest of my life with that man.

 

-lilvoyce

[EnigmaXOXO]

If your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

 

Yes!

 

And if any so-called friend of mine withheld that kind of dangerous information from me, I would consider them an accomplice to the betrayal. They would be quickly and cleanly amputated from my life right along with the ex-boyfriend … and his left testicle.

[meanon]

LOL!!! Despite my considered response earlier I fear that if it actually happened I may respond as you, Enigma

[faux]

It would depend on the situation, but if I wanted such information I would ask, and I would have a right to know. I would most likely be lied to though, however. At least this is my past experience.

 

I am known as a very nice and forgiving person, and that often gives people the impression I will believe any lie they tell me.

[dyermaker]

Elevating your “TRUST” above the health issue is just plain ludicrous.

We think differently, that doesn't make my thoughts ludicrous. Honestly, this is just in fun (fun?), It's not going to happen.

[Sundaymorning]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Yes!

 

And if any so-called friend of mine withheld that kind of dangerous information from me, I would consider them an accomplice to the betrayal. They would be quickly and cleanly amputated from my life right along with the ex-boyfriend … and his left testicle.

 

dittttttto!!!

[SoleMate]

I doubt if I would want to know in most cases. I just don't have the clarity of decision on this topic that others do.

 

A while back, my husband was behaving so oddly that I suspected him of having an affair, or being close to it. No physical or hard evidence - just behavioral modifications. I went through a fair amount of shock, grieving and fear, which over time lessened. I never asked him, because my suspicions were not solid. And since then I have learned fairly conclusively that he did NOT do what I suspected. Bottom line: suspicions are as painful as certainty - possibly more so.

 

I do feel that as a suspicious wife, I would be likely to suspect him if there were any reason for it. I just can't imagine wanting to hear it from anyone - certainly not my dearest friends or family, and much less so from my acquaintances or restaurant staff (as one poster asked on another thread). Like someone else put it, when the marriage patrol is out, no relationship is safe. It's one thing to intervene in a moment of clear and present danger, and another entirely to be gathering actual evidence that is worth anything on a friend's spouse. And who is so vile as to plant the cancerous seed of doubt in a previously peaceful mind, based on anything less than evidence beyond a reasonable doubt?

 

Anyone in a relationship knows that their partner can stray. Some partners shut their eyes to this quite deliberately. Others are aware of the cheating, but maintain the hope that the whole town is not gossiping about their wandering spouse. Some spouses may have arrangements about extracurricular activity - which may even be unspoken!

 

What circumstances really justify interfering in a marriage? Cheating - sexual acts - substance abuse - speeding - criminal activity - odd behavior - dirty dancing - overeating - excessive flirting - a forbidden kiss - suspicious activity - keeping unexpected company or odd hours - where does one draw the line? I see I am in a small minority, but I still will always come down on the side of minding my own business about other's apparent misdeeds unless there is an acute necessity for me to act.

 

I saw my m-in-l's bf cup his hand around my s-in-l's rear (against her will). Those of us who saw this agreed that we would never tell the m-in-l. The bf was already persona non grata to us, and there seemed no point in passing this on. Were we wrong? I did make a mental note to keep my children away from that bf for all time.

 

Who here at LS has a similar situation where they did or did not blow the whistle? Let's not just include marital infidelity. I've seen some "funny uncle" (i.e. child molesting family member) posts that made it clear the whistle was NOT blown. And I would ALWAYS blow the whistle on a child molester.

[moimeme]

The issue for me is the potential danger to one's health. I'd trade a couple months' worth of the pain of suspicion for a healthy lifetime. If the jerk is jerk enough to be having an affair, he may also be jerk enough not to be taking any sort of precautions and there is, as we all know, no way of knowing who does or does not have HIV.

 

I would be doubly crushed if I found out that I ended up with some sort of medical issue AND that nobody who cared about me had warned me.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by moimeme

The issue for me is the potential danger to one's health. I'd trade a couple months' worth of the pain of suspicion for a healthy lifetime. If the jerk is jerk enough to be having an affair, he may also be jerk enough not to be taking any sort of precautions and there is, as we all know, no way of knowing who does or does not have HIV.

 

I would be doubly crushed if I found out that I ended up with some sort of medical issue AND that nobody who cared about me had warned me.

 

Word.

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

Thanks for saving me some keystrokes.

[gaia]

OK, I've changed my mind. I've just read Southside's thread and if there was any danger that I was inadvertently living with an @rsehole like him, then I would want to know.

 

Sorry to be inconsistent, but there's not much point being involved in discussions if you don't keep a bit of an open mind, IMO.

[MeToo]

To Dyermaker

My statement, “Most people would love to be where you are dyermaker” is a true one. It seems like you have conquered the demons that comes with any relationships and that’s a good thing. I discussed this post (that you posed) to a few of my colleagues (03/12) and their responses were unanimous, “He ‘s at the top of his game” so to speak. Either you have a great relationship or this issue has not surfaced yet for you.

 

The other statement, “Elevating your “TRUST” above the health issue is just plain ludicrous” does not apply to you. For if yours is a good relationship, that trust (that I spoke of) is firmly in place. Hats off to you again! This initial post is a good one. It really is an issue we all must think about and respond to HONESTLY. There is no middle ground. Either you want to know or you don’t. Just in fun? No, this is serious business and it can happen on any given day (your initial post). What I was trying to convey was the all important health issue a dysfunctional relationship will have to consider. Once again, most people would love to be where you are dyermaker.

 

MeToo

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by MeToo

To Dyermaker

My statement, “Most people would love to be where you are dyermaker” is a true one. It seems like you have conquered the demons that comes with any relationships and that’s a good thing. I discussed this post (that you posed) to a few of my colleagues (03/12) and their responses were unanimous, “He ‘s at the top of his game” so to speak. Either you have a great relationship or this issue has not surfaced yet for you.

 

The other statement, “Elevating your “TRUST” above the health issue is just plain ludicrous” does not apply to you. For if yours is a good relationship, that trust (that I spoke of) is firmly in place. Hats off to you again! This initial post is a good one. It really is an issue we all must think about and respond to HONESTLY. There is no middle ground. Either you want to know or you don’t. Just in fun? No, this is serious business and it can happen on any given day (your initial post). What I was trying to convey was the all important health issue a dysfunctional relationship will have to consider. Once again, most people would love to be where you are dyermaker.

 

MeToo

 

First let me say, Dyer..I mean you no disrespect here by what I'm about to write to MeToo.

 

MeToo: I suspect Dyer's point of view comes from the fact that he's 15 years old. Yes, 15 years old. I'm sure when I was younger, around this age, I didn't believe that anyone who cared about me would cheat on me, either. But with time and age and experience and experienceS , you learn that there are no absolutes, no guarantees and that even the greatest "partner" can cheat on you. No offense again, Dyer, but I think it's rather naive and delusional (maybe even a little arrogant?) to be so sure that you will never be cheated on. Perhaps you feel this way because you've got a great and loyal and caring girlfriend NOW, but that doesn't mean you always will.

 

Dyer, I'd be interested to know what makes you so darn certain you'll never be cheated on.

[moimeme]

Ya know what, Befuddled? Leave him be. Remember when you were that oblivious to how life really is? Remember how much faith you had before it got shattered time and again? Remember how nice it felt to believe that people who loved you won't ever hurt you?

 

He is, after all, only 15. He's got plenty of time to get crushed by life. He'll have his illusions shattered, like us all. The good thing is that I think he's got all the skills he'll need to not allow awful experiences to turn him bitter. He will be one of those people who will be able to sort out what happened and how and use that as a lesson for life rather than turning him into a mistrusting, unhappy soul.

 

But, for now, allow him to dwell in illusion and enjoy the bliss of faith without fear. It will end soon enough

Eventually, he, too, will have to make the switch from putting his faith in someone freely, joyfully, and easily to requiring an act of courage to trust someone despite having had reasons to lose faith in people in the past. I'm sure he'll make that transition fairly well. I'm just sorry that he, or anyone, has to.

[MeToo]

At his “tender” [color=blue]age of 15[/color], the world IS an oyster. Being exposed the many intricacies of life has not befallen him and “that’s a good thing”. What is unknown to Dyermaker is bliss at this time and juncture of his life and “that’s a good thing” also. What really impressed me were his replies to post all over this forum. He will go far and I feel he will make someone a very good soulmate in the future if he keeps his development going in the right direction.

 

Dyermaker, you are really impressing us all with your witty and “most of the time” right on replies. But life and relationships are in another universe. Life is something that grows on you while relationships are “situations” that you grow into. You spoke of this initial post as being fun. Yes, fun for some but it becomes a serious forethought for others. Keep it up grasshopper! You’re doing rather nicely.

[Kat]

I would want to know. Period

[dyermaker]

Dyer, I'd be interested to know what makes you so darn certain you'll never be cheated on.

 

You may consider my certainty naive, delusional, or hopeful. I consider it doubly naive to think that infidelity occurs within a vacuum. I've done the best I can, on a few threads here and there, to describe what it is that I (we) have. If you feel that my heartbreak is inevitable, you're mistaken--and your condescending assertions are irrelevant.

 

Guessing that the book of human experiences is authored verbatim for each reader the same, is just as delusional as pretending that you wrote it, or that you've read each chapter.

 

I have what few people have. A part of me wishes that every relationship was like mine, another part of me does not, because it's nice to feel special. All of you people on this forum are smarter, wiser, and more experienced than me. But I'm certain you have not experienced what I am, and it's impossible for me to explain it to you. You could have climbed Mount Everest with your alcoholic husband who looks at porn, resolving your relationship at the summit, and having anal sex all the way down the mountain while an excited Sherpa looks on--you still don't have what I have. Each and every one of you is on the outside looking in, if you care to do so.

 

Infidelity is not something that just happens. The way it's presented by some on this forum would seem as though no one ever sees it coming, but perhaps they don't know what to look for, or they do--but they're looking at something else in the moment. Whatever sacred ant I didn't step on in a past life has, through the blessings of samsara, endowed me in this life with a girl who wants what I want--trust, vulnerability, and communication. We're good people, and we know what we have to do to suceed, and we've already started. Perhaps infidelity strikes them in isolation, but we're all three, and we'll never settle for less.

 

Hats off to you, and your experiences. It's a malady of the experienced to assume your experiences mirror the rest of the world. This is not a traditional forum argument. We're not talking about porn, genital health, or the Bible--we're talking about our future, and if you're convinced that I'm naive, I'm fine with that--we're fine with that. Nevertheless, you are, for the record, wrong.

 

 

__________________

[MeToo]

Dyermaker

 

Don’t concern yourself with what has recently transpired. I’ve heard of you [color=blue]before[/color] I even joined this forum (and it was all good). You’re at a stage in your life where everything goes in ([color=red]curiosity or just plain “wanting to know”[/color]) and very little comes out ([color=red]experience[/color]). There is no shame here, Dyermaker. Put the blinders on and continue as if you have heard nothing or read nothing.

 

Remember this, grasshopper. [color=blue]You have the respect of a lot of posters on this forum. And that’s a good thing![/color]

[amerikajin]

>>>You may consider my certainty naive, delusional, or hopeful. I consider it doubly naive to think that infidelity occurs within a vacuum. I've done the best I can, on a few threads here and there, to describe what it is that I (we) have. <<<

 

I don't consider you naive at all, Dyer. Quite the opposite: you're two decades' worth of maturity beyond your real age. You're one of those rare people who astutely reflects upon your experiences in a way the few others do. If anyone is capable of identifying a solid partner and building a healthy relationship, I'd probably guess that it's you.

 

>>>Infidelity is not something that just happens. <<<

 

Yes and no. Your classic textbook case of infidelity, as in the case of the husband who starts drifting in the fifth year of his marriage and works late so he can do some "on-the-job training" with his pretty new assistant, is probably something a partner should see in advance of the actual event. It's usually preceded by increased frequency and intensity of arguments, followed by a period of detachment in which couples begin to separate emotionally. I sensed that process happening in my live-in relationship a few years ago, and I decided (and it didn't take her too long to agree) that it was time to throw in the towel. We weren't married, and we began to realize that it was a mistake to make those kinds of plans. In a marriage, you don't have the luxury of just backing out. You have to stay the course and fight for what you have. Many couples (perhaps the majority of couples around today) don't do that. They treat their marriages like live-in relationships.

 

However, there are a few situations in which people can let their urges get the better of them. The husband or wife who goes on a weekend business trip, gets drunk and horny...it happens. In life, Dyer, you learn that you can't control what other people do - not now or in the future. You must have trust, and that trust must in turn be valued by your partner. That's why cheating is so devastating to a marriage, because when the trust is destroyed, you begin to wonder what's so damn special about the person you married. They're just someone else, another human with faults.

 

That said, not all couples have to endure infidelity. Some couples get it right from the beginning.

 

As for whether I would want to know about a partner cheating on me, of course I would want to know. At the same time, though, I would respect the fact that people from the outside might not want to get involved for a variety of reasons, namely the fact that it's damn hard to be absolutely sure they've got irrefutable evidence of an affair. I wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't come forward and tell me about what they suspect. Anything short of evidence, and I wouldn't want them even hinting at an affair.

 

I've been fortunate enough never to have been cheated on, though I'm aware that it's always possible. If it happened, I'm not sure how I'd react. I'd probably go on a personal retreat for a few days and just think about it, maybe live in a cheap motel for a few weeks to get it all sorted out and give us both time to think. As I'm sure those who've been cheated on will say, you don't know how you can react to something like that until it happens.

[jenny]

resolving your relationship at the summit, and having anal sex all the way down the mountain while an excited Sherpa looks on

 

that is exactly how i imagine transcendence. except maybe not anal sex, as i would have to be the one walking. i also think the sherpa should be earning his meat.

 

i am frankly so constantly astounded how you handle the age/experience question every time. i would be running around in naked warpaint screeching "dicto simpliciter!" or some other unhelpful slogan. my astonishment, however, is also a function of condescension, so i'll skip that. sort of. anyway, in some cases (not all) i consider myself a grasshopper to you: on some issues i have not considered fully and well; and you have. your scholarship in places is simply better, and that is just, well, objectively very cool. i can't wait until you are in charge of things. i like the food chain of logic; it's elizabethian; and i'm trumped in this particular case. i honestly have no idea what i will do when or if my guy cheats on me.

 

so whatever. this is such an un-post. i just understand that it is entirely possible that you will not experience infidelity. i also fully believe that you will experience neither drug use, alcohol abuse, sexual addictions, obsessions, pathologies, nor even friends with those varied problems. and i envy that. sort of.

 

when i do feel envious, i think about how much fun i have had being bad. and also about my car.

[gaia]

You could have climbed Mount Everest with your alcoholic husband who looks at porn, resolving your relationship at the summit, and having anal sex all the way down the mountain while an excited Sherpa looks on--you still don't have what I have.

 

LOL Don't mind doing this but can I take my OM with me?!?!?

[GeorgiaSongbird]

YES! I would want to know. My 1st husband cheated on me with my "best friend" and then another person I knew casually and didn't really care for.. I found out when the 2nd girl was about 7 months pregnant or so! It pushed me off the fence on the issue of if I should stay in the marriage or not - I left. I am very thankful one of my friends finally told me.. This is the only person I'm still friendly with out of that old circle of friends.. because I consider him a true friend.. trying to look out for and to the right thing by me.

 

Who here at LS has a similar situation where they did or did not blow the whistle? Let's not just include marital infidelity. I've seen some "funny uncle" (i.e. child molesting family member) posts that made it clear the whistle was NOT blown. And I would ALWAYS blow the whistle on a child molester.

 

Solemate -- I wish more people felt the way you did. In my old neighborhood, there was a "funny neighbor" ..no one ever warned new families moving in and no one stepped in to protect the children.. and many of children in the neighborhood suffered for it.