Ex-Inlaws vs. New Boyfriend

[SweetyBear]

Let me tell a bit of the background so you have an idea of the history. I am 37 yo now and I met my ex-husband when I was a mere girl of 18. He and I had two children together. Unfortunately due to his drug addiction, we separated about 13 years ago and divorced about 9 years ago. Through everything, I have been close to his family. Now my ex is in prison and will be for at least 9 years. It has been an extremely difficult situation for my kids and for me in trying to help them deal with all the emotions they have in regard to their father. Anyway, his family and I still have the holidays together. Last summer, we went on vacation together. His mother and I will spend hours just sitting and talking. IMO, my relationship with his family no longer has any connection to my ex-husband, but nonetheless I consider them my family and continue to treat them as such. About three years ago, I met a man who is everything my ex was not. He is responsible and cares about his community and does a lot of good in his life. One real sore point between us, though, is my relationship with my ex's family. I have tried to explain it to him. I have tried to invite him around so he can see it for what it is. I have tried to reassure him it's not a threat. So, does anyone have any advice on how we can all just get along? I have a great deal of love for all of these people, but it doesn't seem like there can be harmony with all of them in my life. I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't want to give up my relationship with anybody. BTW, my boyfriend has never given me an ultimatum or anything, but I know it bothers him pretty much every time he hears about me spending time with them. Maybe if someone could even help me understand his perspective a bit, it might help?

[quankanne]

the very fact that you had children with your ex binds you to his family, if not necessarily him. And you owe it to the kids to cultivate as healthy and open a relationship with their dad's family.

 

it can be really threatening to an outsider, but what can help smooth over any fears he has is if your former in-laws were to embrace him in their lives. Heaven knows I've seen families (including mine) where former in-laws have stayed in touch because the relationship was strong enough to stand on its own two feet.

 

do you know if there are any such relationships in his family, or do they cut off former in-laws like a piece of rotted fruit? My guess is that he's never seen it for himself, and unless he chooses to embrace the relationship – or at least give it the benefit of the doubt – there are going to be lots of problems because he just won't get it.

 

just remember: Your childrens' other family (i.e., the former in-laws) will be in your life much longer than someone you're dating ...

[BellaBellaBella]

For me, my husband's first wife died. They adopted him. He had no children. However, was without a family. For me it was hard for awhile. I couldn't understand the relationship. I couldn't understand they were happy for us.

 

However, as I grew confident in our relationship and saw time and again how welcome I was it was okay. It has now become very good.

 

Perhaps, explaining your their for the children and that you have history with them. Try to work a compromise with him. I am assuming your looking at things long term with him.

[SweetyBear]

Thanks so much for your replies. I had almost thought I was such an odd person for maintaining and embracing this relationship with my inlaws. I hope he can see it for what it is in time and not feel so threatened by our connection. He is a really good guy, but has his insecurities just like all of us do I guess.

[amerikajin]

I agree with quank: your boyfriend has to accept that you had a life before him and that you still have ties to the family. This is an especially important bond for the children, so it's to their benefit to keep it strong, or at least peaceful if nothing else. He needs to adapt.

[sally4sara]

This can work out, but there is always a chance that it will go the other way at some point. Say when you ex gets out of jail. His families attitude about having new guy around can get awkward.

 

My ex MIL use to come up from GA to visit with us. She and my husband got along very well. She'd send us all bday cards and emails. Tell us she loved us.

 

Of course this was when her son (my ex) was refusing to talk to her because she acknowledged that my ex was unfit during the custody decisions. Not like she testified against him or anything, just that she didn't get on the hate S4S bandwagon. She just didn't think an active alcoholic should be a child's guardian.

 

Eventually the way my ex was living fell out from under him and he hit rock bottom (for the 4th or 5th time; I've lost count) and his venom for her changed. See, he needed a place to live and what not so suddenly he needed her and being a jerk to her stopped serving him. She took him in.

 

Now we barely hear from her. All the "come stay with us and see the sites" has stopped. Now the only way I can see of an In Law family bond lasting is if the ex dies.

[shownmichle]

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