love4me2c Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 I finally left my husband last month after a marriage full of bitterness and pain. I have two young children. We split custody. I have asked for nothing other than custody of the children and my car. I am taking all debts in my name. The reasons I left are numerous and if you are interested in the dirty details you can find them under my profile. But bottom line, I always intended to be amicable. I have tried and tried. I have done favors, been friendly, invited him to my parents' for Thanksgiving, everything. When I moved out, I joined a dating site. I've done online dating in the past and with no luck at all. I usually see the guy once and never want to see him again. But I went out with a great man a month ago and I'm happy with him. Don't really want people's opinions on that... The issue is ever since ex found out, he's been terrible towards me. Threatening to take my children from me repeatedly for silly stuff. In the past I've done some things I know would be frowned upon but for the most part I've lived a boring, uneventful life. But for a brief period, I did some things that I am not proud of, in large part because I wanted to hurt my husband. I am afraid that he's going to take my children from me or make me go broke trying to fight it. I know he must be hurt by the new man in my life, but he has to get over it. Other than dealings with my ex, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. What makes people behave like this? Why can't we just learn to be civil and kind to each other. Sometimes things don't work out, even though we put our best effort. I can't stand the bitterness. Does anyone know how to deal with this? I mean am I crazy to think that there can ever be a friendly divorce? PS - For those on the fence after infidelity, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. It was the best decision ever. Link to post Share on other sites
swfc_77 Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 well from what i have read it seems pretty obvious that your ex-husband must be in quite a lot of pain. you leave him last month, regardless of what the marriage was like it must have been hard for both of you especially if there are kids involved. why did you continue to invite him over for thanksgiving and try to be friendly, i know there's a certain amount of talking and what not with a divorce but inviting your ex husband over for thanksgiving doesn't sound right, maybe he thouht you could build on this. why have you got with some1 so quick, i'm a bloke and if this happened to me with any women i would be the same as your ex, must be a lot for him to take in again especially with the kids involved, the first thing that comes into my mind is someone else bringing my kids up so soon after the seperation. nobody expects you to be a nun, but why not try and have a little respect for your husbands feelings if not for his sake but for the kids, they dont want to see their father like this either. you say "i know he'll b hurt after finding out about the new man in my life" he will but the pain of a seperation, losing his kids, then you being friendly on top then bang you tell him there's some1 else. what did you really expect? Link to post Share on other sites
nsearch4u Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 For many people, divorce is like a death. The death of a marriage, of a wife/husband. They have to mourn the death. I imagine that he's still trying to figure out just how to live his life and what his daily routine will be now. Then he'll mourn. He's probably really confused especially if you're being friendly (dont be mean) and inviting him over for anything. He may be threatening you because he wants to pay you back for the hurt he feels you've caused. For the hurt spouse (and i'm sure both of you are) death would have been final....divorce is different and if you're already seeing someone after a month its like you died, then came back from the dead while he's mourning and decided to be with someone else......I'd think at least be very discreet about it...especially with the children... Try to establish boundaries. No communication isnt possible because you have kids. Just try to agree that the communication is as little as possible and only when it involves the kids or their wellbeing. Neither of you need a "hi, just checking on you" thing right now. If you want amicable, sit down and talk.....if you've agreed to custody/joint custody then stick to it and talk about not making threats when either of you get mad.....because you both will get mad and not like what the other is doing from time to time. The agreement you make can't be thrown up in each others face every time though unless it compromises the wellbeing of the kids. When my beautiful bride of 17 years had an affair and left me the guy she left for dumped her. She then went immediately to a couple dating sites. It was very hard for me. I have children as well and have one of the most amicable divorces i think possible. We had to learn how to be amicable though in some situations. Its not something either of us went through before so some things took trial and error, patience, and working through things....not self destructing every time we got mad or hurt about something..... I should get to work or i'll just keep typing.....i hope the best for you both, and the babes.....take care Link to post Share on other sites
Ballerfamily Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 I would think that him having an affair would take alot of the anger away. If your being cordial, friendly, discreet, and not flaunting your relationship, he should be cordial. If I cheated(and i've told my ex many times) I would be grateful for anything from my kids and her, I certainly wouldn't be mean. He feels guilt and shame, and is frustrated cause he made his bed. The most hurtful thing for me (I've never cheated) is my ex bringing her AP around my little boy. That infuriates me. She wouldn't dare in front of my 19 yr old son. The shame, humiliation, pain and hurt is almost unbearable when thats flaunted. Plus every time theres a disagreement she threatens something legal. If I could only be total NC. She wanted to hang as a family, a few dates, etc and all it did was confuse and make me feel worse, like it was a farce so are kids wouldn't know about her infidelity. One I quit doing it, she turned against me because now it basically exposed her. 25 yrs of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Meatballsmom Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 I have read your threads, first you want to reconcile, but the dirt bag OM keeps pursuing a Married Woman and you are falling for it. Two of my workmates basically followed your same path 20 years ago. Their children grew up and as adults have Totally rejected their mothers. They are blamed for the break up of the family They now have grandchildren, one has seen her grandchildren a couple of times, the last being over 10 years ago, and the other has never seen them. Your are putting your trust with a man who is chasing a married woman. When he is finished with you he will chase another and leave you in the dust. Someday you will be 50, and you will not want to live a life without your grandchildren, Follow the path you are on, and amicable or not will not matter. What will matter is the lonely holidays, by yours self. It will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
goingstrong Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) Someday you will be 50, and you will not want to live a life without your grandchildren, Follow the path you are on, and amicable or not will not matter. What will matter is the lonely holidays, by yours self. It will happen. So true...my half brother and sister want nothing to do with their mother now that they are adults. She cheated on our common father and the fallout has finally caught up with her 15 yrs later. Love4m2c, if you read my posts and based on my personal history when I was single, I am a strong believer that men pursue women..particularly married ones for one reason, and it ain't your conversation. When you're older and your best days are gone, he will move on. Edited December 2, 2010 by goingstrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author love4me2c Posted December 5, 2010 Author Share Posted December 5, 2010 The OM isn't an other man from an infidelity perspective. I met him after I separated. My current friend was not one of the revenge affairs. He was not in my life at all prior to the separation. My new friend and I are not that far apart in age at all, only 6 years. I appreciate your candor about that, but I'm not really wanting feedback on my current relationship. Bottom line, relationships thrive or fail regardless of best intentions. My current marriage is a prime example of that. I want to understand why people just can't be amicable? Come to grips with the fact that the marriage is over. Don't lash out at me. My ex started all of this. As previously stated by another poster, I understand my ex's anger, primarily at himself I suppose but bottom line is, he chose to end our marriage to keep his OW secret. Why be angry at me? I should probably just stop all communication with him unless it involves the children. Thanks for the feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 I am in the same situation...wondering how the heck we have got to this stage of bitterness, anger and acrimony? Why? He loved me a few months ago, now he hates me? He tells me to get lost and has left us in debt, ignores his son and has given us nothing, no money, care, concern or consideration. Matt has been really poorly, nothing, we are snowbound here in the UK, nothing. After going thro it time after time I just think thro the last 12 weeks we have done things to hurt each other more.......I have not cheated but I am pretty sure he has run off with another woman. I wish I knew the answers. He has lost everything now, from running away from a marriage that could be fixed but I think he is too guilty and ashamed now and knows I would never have him back. I hope you get your answers, he won't even be civil to me. Take care x Link to post Share on other sites
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