This will sound like a really bad soap opera - but unfortunately it's my life

[thissecretgirl]

Hi,

 

I have been lurking a while and have finally found the courage to post. I could really do with some support at the moment and any words of wisdom or practical advice that you can offer.

 

Sorry its so long, messy and slightly involved.

 

I met my xMM onthe internet four years ago. We lived across the world from eachother and began an emotional affair thatwe conducted as a long distance relationship I guess; talking daily on im, via emails and on the phone.

I hate this next bit because I am not proud; but I knew he was married. During that first year we became very close and fell in love with eachother. We decided that I would move out to be close to him. At this point it was never my intention to ask him to leave his family. I know its somewhat naive and a more than a bit misguided but I honestly believed that I could just share a bit of the life of the man I loved; that no one need know or get hurt.

 

Well to cut a long story short, I managed that for the first two years I wss there. We spent as much time together as we were able to and developed a strong bond. Times arose when for whatever reason my ability to stay in Australia became under doubt, during those times he would tell me to do everything I could do to stay; that staying was the important thing and that he didnt want me to go.

I should add at some point that my xmm is/was a Mormon and has strong religious views. He also held the title of Elder in the church. We also had another element to our relationship; he was a Dominant and I submissive and so he was very used to needing and wanting control.

 

Anyway, three years into our relationship we went through a tricky patch and separated for three weeks, before reconciling. It was soon after that I discovered that he had been advertising for sex on the internet during this period, but also throughout the duration of his marriage. He had led me to believe that I was the only other woman he had been involved with and in all honesty i wouldnt have been so open to moving here had I realised that had other dalliances throughout his marriage. I felt duped. I thought that what we shared was different and that we had been truthful with eachother. I know, I know...why would I think that when he hasnt been truthful to his own family and friends for so many years. Still, up until that point it is what I believed.

We had a massive bust up and somehow he managed to talk me round. he was so sorry for what he had done and wanted to do the right thing etc etc. He said that he had never met any of them, they were just flirtations to make him feel good. That he never wantedto replace me as he loved me and what we shared.

 

For the next few months he was loving and caring and attentive and showed a lot of remorse for letting me down. Anyway I dont know what prompted me but something didnt feel right and I started to look into it a bit more closely. It was then that I discovered that one of them loved in his suburb! I knew at that moment that there was no way he wouldnt have met her.

So follows another huge argument. He finally comes clean and admits that during his marriage he had a number of one night stands with people and a couple of short liaisons. He had stopped this when he met me although he couldnt quite remember if there was any crossover during the first year when I was in my home country! Nice. I was single and managed to stay faithful to him and also managed to remember that I had.

He said that he had met one woman during the three weeks we werent together and that they had gone for a walk on the beach but nothing more. I dont believe him now.

Anyway it devastated me. It changed everything. I had moved country and given my life to this bloke. I am financially broke from trying to stay here and I was devastated because at that point I was 40 and had always wanted a baby; moreso wanted us to have a child together. I told him that things had changed now I knew he had met one of them and that if he was serious about us, it was time to put his money where his mouth was. I gave him the ultimatum that he had to choose now. We talked about it and he said that he would think things over; he loved me but was nt sure he could walk away from his children. he said in the event he couldnt leave he would give me the child I had always wanted since he knew it was so important to me and he wanted to do something good.

I knew that would be particularly hard for him to do because he takes his father role very seriously and had until that point always mainatined we would only have a child if we were together properly.

Anyway a few weeks later, he tells me he has decided that he has made a choice between me and his wife. That its decided; he loves me and chooses me. He just needs to work out if he can leave because of his girls. he asks me to spend the next few weeks building his confidence to do do this; which I do. It was very traumatic for both of us and there were lots of tears. We talked about custody arrangements and where we would live. he wondered if he could move into here straightaway. he needed to control how it was done he told me, because his wife could be bitter and would stop him seeing the girls if she thought someone else was involved. We talked about building a new home together and marriage and he even talked of leaving the church.

Anyway our D day arrives. That day on the phone he tells me that he loves me and will see me later. When he arrived he started crying and said he couldnt do it, that his girls meant everything to him and he just wasnt ready to do it.

He says we will have to go with plan B - the baby.

 

I was devastated. I knew I couldnt keep putting myself through this half life anymore. Itwas making me ill. I also knew how weak we were when it came to eachother. I knew we would end up back together in a few days/weeks and I couldnt put myself through it anymore. So I emailed his wife. i thought by doing that our choice would be removed. It would completely stop the affair and at that point its what I wanted and needed to hapen.

It wasnt a nasty letter. Infact I tried to word it the best i could to try and limit the hurt. ididnt tell her that he chose me. I instead said that he loved her and that he was a good man. I said that I knew he was committed to them and that I hoped that they could work it out and be happy.

 

I am not proud of doing this, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of doing. I really regret it now.

 

Basically the crap hits the fan not long after.

 

In the week straight after xmm and I are still talking daily via text. He is upset and says he hopes I dont hate him and I am hurting and just wanting him to be ok. That Friday he comes round and has sex to put the baby plan into action. He was lovely to me and held me and told me that I was beautiful.

 

This is when it all takes a massive turn for the worst.

 

Up until this point I dont think his wife believed the email. I think he panics that he will get caught having had sex with me again. She goes to church and tells the bishop and he says he might be excommunicated and that she has taken his wedding ring from him.

 

he says he doesnt know that he will do plan B now and that the only thing he can do is try and make the marriage work as he wont lose his children. We argue and I cry. he says he wont make a decision about plan B until he has spoken to the church leaders that week. When he finally calls he is distant and cold (I think with hindsight she was in the car with him).

He tells me he wont give me a baby and says out of the blue that I have blackmailed him! wtf!!

 

I knew it was bad as soon as he mentioned that word. We had a screaming match and he warned me that his wife would attack me. I said attack me for what, I've only told the truth. The next thing I know is his wife names me publicly on her blog as threatening her family and stalking her. All lies. Until this point (10 days after d-day) I had sent only the one email disclosing the affair.

 

I was utterly devastated and sobbing I called and said how could he let her do that. It was lies, I hadnt threatenend anyone. People were posting and saying all sorts about me. SO I emailed her and said that for every lie posted about me I would post something truthful, since my ex was denying what our relationship was and lying to save his own skin.

 

The next morning it turns out that they go to court and file for a violence restraining order against me! I got the transcipts and they are so hurtful. Mainly just a bunch of lies and some of the things he said are clearly to cover himself. Apparently he had been trying tio end it for years! lol

The judge wasnt very sympethetic with him and thew out the applications straightaway regarding the kids. But I was summoned about allegations of threats i had made and the post I had made in defence of her post against me. (which were basically copies of email he sent me asking me to move country, copies of texts amd his adverts for sex sites).

 

To cut a very horrible story short, I agreed to sign an undertaking not to have any contact with them. With hindsight I wish I had fought it but I was off work with depression and anxiety atthe time and my lawyer advised this rather than go to a public hearing. she didnt think they had a case but was worried that if we got a judge who was sensitive about affairs they may find in her favour that she felt intimidated and I would have to pay court costs.

 

Since the day they filed at court I have had no contact from him. I contemplated suicide twice. I have never done that before. I have no support network here and I am financially broke.

I have just been sick from work again and my doctor tells me he thinks I have post traumatic stress syndrome afterthe split, accusations and court.

 

I cant believe he would do this to me, in orderto save himself. I have well and truly been thrown under the bus. She seems happy to make me the scapegoat even though he had many other women during his marriage.

 

Please try and be kind. I am walking a very fine line atthe moment. I could just do with some support. I am not sleeping and every day is taken up with thoughts of why he would do this. i go over and over it in my mind.

The lies, the accusations, the very painful no contact and the court.

 

I cant even get any answers as to why and that is killing me.

Edited December 1, 2010 by thissecretgirl

[whichwayisup]

Move back home, be with your friends and family. You need that love, care and support from those who truly know you.

 

Get counselling. Asap.

 

This guy is/was nuts. Be thankful that this is over, no good ever could have come from it.. I know you can't see that now, you're hurting badly. Be glad you didn't have a baby with him. Think about it, he is married, has kids already, wasn't divorced or even separated, he wanted to get you pregnant? That and the fact he's online talking to others, has had many ONS's as well. yuck!!!

 

The man isn't who you thought he was. or if he was the man you really fell for, you deserve better and more!

 

Move back home as soon as you can so you can put this nightmare behind you. Lesson though - Stay away from MM men. From what I've read here, many of them end up hurting their OW badly and throwing them under the bus. He was/is a skilled manipulator and a liar.

[scatterd]

I'm so sorry for your pain it seems so many of these men after DD throw the OW under the bus.It totally selfish and chicken ----.His wife has to know in her heart what happened but does not want to believe it.Don't be so hard on your self this man new exactly what to say to both of you.I think its a blessing in disguise he was no prize and later down the road had you married you would be in his wife shoes.Riight now you need to take care of yourself and do anything you can to stay healthy.I dont know if you are taking anti depressant but I would ask the doctor if not.This will take time to get over but you will and you will learn alot from this.In time he could come back fishing and putting all the blame on her so work on being strong.I am so sorry this happened to you big hugs

[hoping2heal]

What others have said. Get back home immediately and get some help. You are going to need to heal from this and it will likely take awhile. It is best you recover amongst people who are able to offer support. You are going to need it to get through this.

[thissecretgirl]

Thank you both so much. You just made me cry

 

Its been about 4 months now since it ended, just short of 4 months no contact and 3 months since court. I dont seem to be getting over it at all. I think I am just searching for answers, anywhere and everywhere. Thats what led me here really; looking for some insight.

 

I have been given a prescription for anti depressants and have a psychologist appointment for the post traumatic stress.

 

I cant believe he would do this to me.

 

I hate myself because I even miss him and spend my time wondering whats happening with him and how he feels.

 

i know he will resent me for blowing the lid, but i did it in the best way I could. But he must hate me in order to do the things he has since and I am finding that very difficult to cope with.

 

I know no contact is quite a common thing and that it helps many people, but i have to say I am finding itone of the cruelest things imaginable. I also understand that the court order was driven by his wife no doubt to ensure there was no further contact.

 

I gues I want to avoid leaving here, I have spent so long fighting to be here and I have bought a house and everything.

 

I dont feel like I have anything good anymore.

 

I know his wife is choosing to overlook everything else and I guess thats her perogative. Me? well its made me question my own self judgment, self worth and the last four years of my life and what they meant.

 

I wish I knew how to get through it and for it to stop feeling so bleak. How do you deal with the NC or not having questions answered/closure?

Do you wonder about the xmm a lot? I find myself wondering all the time...does he feel guilty, does he hate me etc etc.

I am also trying desperately not to feel bitter. On the surface it looks like little has changed for him, although I know the reality is probably very different.

Edited December 1, 2010 by thissecretgirl

[2themoon&back]

Thank you both so much. You just made me cry

 

Its been about 4 months now since it ended, just short of 4 months no contact and 3 months since court. I dont seem to be getting over it at all. I think I am just searching for answers, anywhere and everywhere. Thats what led me here really; looking for some insight.

 

I have been given a prescription for anti depressants and have a psychologist appointment for the post traumatic stress.

 

I cant believe he would do this to me.

 

I hate myself because I even miss him and spend my time wondering whats happening with him and how he feels.

 

i know he will resent me for blowing the lid, but i did it in the best way I could. But he must hate me in order to do the things he has since and I am finding that very difficult to cope with.

 

I know no contact is quite a common thing and that it helps many people, but i have to say I am finding itone of the cruelest things imaginable. I also understand that the court order was driven by his wife no doubt to ensure there was no further contact.

 

I gues I want to avoid leaving here, I have spent so long fighting to be here and I have bought a house and everything.

 

I dont feel like I have anything good anymore.

 

I wish I knew how to get through it and for it to stop feeling so bleak.

 

I know his wife is choosing to overlook everything else and I guess thats her perogative. Me? well its made me question my own self judgment, self worth and the last four years of my life and what they meant.

 

I am so so very sorry for all your pain, i wish i could fly other there and offer you a hug, but this is the best i can do for now... (((((hug))))

 

My heart hurts for you because I know you pain personally and there is now quick fix for it, you have the answers, you may not like them but you have them all the same.

 

He loved you, he is just a coward and that is not your fault. He did not want you to see that side of him, but his wife banks on it, thats why she will dismiss his actions and plays on it.

 

Your story was hard for me to read, to close to home for me, but I am glad I did read it, and I hope for right this minute I can give you a little comfort in knowing you are not alone, you have me and us on LS. Together we will help you move and grow to a stronger place.

 

Untill then keep posting as I will, and be kind to your self right now you deserve it!!!

[sugarmomma]

Wow I am so sorry for your pain. Four years and you get nothing in the end. Hopefully, you learned a huge lesson from this whole experience, and that is MMwant affairs and not divorces. They are the most manipulative, cunning sociopathic people on the plant. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

Stop looking for the answers. EVEN IF YOU HAD THE ANSWERS, YOU STILL WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. And that is because you went with your emotions instead of logic and common sense to not get involved with mm.

 

Don't beat yourself up and try to be gentle with yourself. You are very fragile right now and need a lot of support.

 

Forget about the people in your past, they didn't make it to your future for a reason.

 

((HUGS))

[thissecretgirl]

I am so so very sorry for all your pain, i wish i could fly other there and offer you a hug, but this is the best i can do for now... (((((hug))))

 

My heart hurts for you because I know you pain personally and there is now quick fix for it, you have the answers, you may not like them but you have them all the same.

 

He loved you, he is just a coward and that is not your fault. He did not want you to see that side of him, but his wife banks on it, thats why she will dismiss his actions and plays on it.

 

Your story was hard for me to read, to close to home for me, but I am glad I did read it, and I hope for right this minute I can give you a little comfort in knowing you are not alone, you have me and us on LS. Together we will help you move and grow to a stronger place.

 

Untill then keep posting as I will, and be kind to your self right now you deserve it!!!

 

Thankyou so much 2themoon.

 

The bold part really resinates with me. I think it's spot on. He was dominant in the relationship and hence wanted to be in control about everything. He didnt like me to see he was just a normal person; but I did see it. I saw it the day he sobbed on my bed and I had to cover him with a duvet and hold him and I saw it in the weaknesses he had.

I loved him in full knowledge of what he was like, and I believed in him. I thought he would rise up and be the bigger person and be courageous; I had those expectations and thats where I was wrong and where I agree with you, his wife was right and played on them, as is her right I guess.

 

She knew by the end that ultimately he only stayed for the children; it all came out and she referred to it in writing. She knew and I believe she used that fact as leverage; he even wrote in his statement that he was in danger of losing custody of his girls.

 

As for answers, I know what he did i guess I just would like to hear why. Why he went as far as accusing me of blackmail and going to court.

 

Court was one of the worst days of my life. Second only to watching my dad die. It had a profound effect on me and not in a good way. I have always regarded myself as a good person and a kind person, just one who made some bad choices. I have never been in trouble before and it made me feel like a criminal to have to stand along side wife beaters. The worst was having to see them together, united against me...the scapegoat.

 

Thankyou for your support again. I cant tell you how much i need it right now:o

[thissecretgirl]

Wow I am so sorry for your pain. Four years and you get nothing in the end. Hopefully, you learned a huge lesson from this whole experience, and that is MMwant affairs and not divorces. They are the most manipulative, cunning sociopathic people on the plant. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

Stop looking for the answers. EVEN IF YOU HAD THE ANSWERS, YOU STILL WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. And that is because you went with your emotions instead of logic and common sense to not get involved with mm.

 

Don't beat yourself up and try to be gentle with yourself. You are very fragile right now and need a lot of support.

 

Forget about the people in your past, they didn't make it to your future for a reason.

 

((HUGS))

 

You make some very good points Sugarmomma and you are not the only person to suggest he is a sociopath. Even legal advisors suggested he had some personality disorder, as it wasnt normal behaviour to keep seeking women out in the manner he apparently did.

 

I think you are right also about not understanding the answers he would give. I guess I just hoped that somewhere along the line four years and the huge sacrifices I made would mean something to him and he would show a little decency and compassion and man up enough to talk to me about his recent decisions.

 

I worry that this will have scarred me so much that I wont trust anyone with my love again.

 

I have christmas to get through on my own too. I think thats going to be particularly hard.

[sb129]

Oh OP, I can so understand what you are going through right now.

 

Five years ago I was embroiled in an affair with a MM in a country that wasn't my own- I was living in the UK and was far from family and friends.

 

My exMM was a b*stard, but nowhere near as much of a b*stard as your xMM.

Mine was a manipulative, nasty, jealous, possessive, hypocrite.

 

He left his W for me, and what a prize I ended up with- not!

 

Fortunately I woke up eventually and ditched him but not without a couple of years of pain.

 

I remember what its like to be in pain and far from home.

 

As long as you stay where you are, you will associate where you are with him.

 

Make arrangements to go home, even if it means you have to rent out your house for a while. You need to be with people who love you in a place where this man has never been.

 

I moved home eventually and exMM is a distant memory, a mistake I made once.

 

Leave yours to rot in the mess he has created. I think its clear that he has many problems, and that his wife and family only know about the tip of the iceberg with him.

Not your problem.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Well you certainly didn't "blackmail" him. You just laid it all out on the line as clear as day.

 

Blackmail would have entailed you stating conditions which he would have to meet in order to keep you from spilling the beans.

 

 

I think the most telling part of this is that he was from the Mormon church.

 

 

Doing whatever you can to extract yourself from the situation, the area, and the country would be best for you now.

 

 

IF you have a relative anywhere in the world who could afford to invite you to stay with them and get back on your feet, it would be the best move you could make looking toward the future.

[thissecretgirl]

Well you certainly didn't "blackmail" him. You just laid it all out on the line as clear as day.

 

Blackmail would have entailed you stating conditions which he would have to meet in order to keep you from spilling the beans.

 

 

I think the most telling part of this is that he was from the Mormon church.

 

 

Doing whatever you can to extract yourself from the situation, the area, and the country would be best for you now.

 

 

IF you have a relative anywhere in the world who could afford to invite you to stay with them and get back on your feet, it would be the best move you could make looking toward the future.

 

He was trying to say I blackmailed him about having a baby. I think to cover himself with his wife and the church. Possibly to make himeslf feel justified too.

 

We had spoken about in on occassions before and he hadnt wanted to do it unless we were living together and he could be a full time dad. BUT this last time HE offered it as plan B if he couldnt leave.

 

I was even surprised he offered it.

 

What he didnt count on were the text messages and IM conversations I kept where he did indeed offer it and continued to make reference to it. No hint of blackmail there. Even after he came and slept with me after d day he sent me a text saying he wanted me to feel loved and although it is difficult for him to do, he wanted to do this for me.

 

I have my mum visiting in February for a month and I am hopeful that a friend might come visit soon.

[thissecretgirl]

Thankyou SB129!

 

It's good to hear other people's stories; helps me gleam some hope for my own future.

 

I was from the UK originally and then moved to Australia to be with him. Apart from all the mess, I actually love it here. I have a job and a home; the first home I have owned since my own diivorce years ago.

 

In terms of his wife and family not knowing and it being the tip of the ice berg, well thats just the thing; she does know the extent of his infidelities. I think she is either choosing not to believe them or perhaps its easier just to make me the focus of the whole thing. I guess believing its a one off thing with a Glenn Close type nutcase and blackmailer is a whole lot easier to forgive??

 

I find that one of the hardest things to stomach; that they painted me as someone driven by bitterness who would hurt and threaten children. It disgusted and distressed me beyond words. I love children and anyone who knows me knows I wouldnt hurt a fly. Hell I dish flies out of the bath and blow on them to dry them

 

I dont think anyone in his family knows. From what she wrote in the summons evidence, I think she wanted it to remain a secret from them. I suppose keeping it secret is the best way to maintain the facade of the marriage and how its viewed by family and religious friends.

[phillyfan]

Hi,

 

I have been lurking a while and have finally found the courage to post. I could really do with some support at the moment and any words of wisdom or practical advice that you can offer.

 

Sorry its so long, messy and slightly involved.

 

I met my xMM onthe internet four years ago. We lived across the world from eachother and began an emotional affair thatwe conducted as a long distance relationship I guess; talking daily on im, via emails and on the phone.

I hate this next bit because I am not proud; but I knew he was married. During that first year we became very close and fell in love with eachother. We decided that I would move out to be close to him. At this point it was never my intention to ask him to leave his family. I know its somewhat naive and a more than a bit misguided but I honestly believed that I could just share a bit of the life of the man I loved; that no one need know or get hurt.

 

Well to cut a long story short, I managed that for the first two years I wss there. We spent as much time together as we were able to and developed a strong bond. Times arose when for whatever reason my ability to stay in Australia became under doubt, during those times he would tell me to do everything I could do to stay; that staying was the important thing and that he didnt want me to go.

I should add at some point that my xmm is/was a Mormon and has strong religious views. He also held the title of Elder in the church. We also had another element to our relationship; he was a Dominant and I submissive and so he was very used to needing and wanting control.

 

Anyway, three years into our relationship we went through a tricky patch and separated for three weeks, before reconciling. It was soon after that I discovered that he had been advertising for sex on the internet during this period, but also throughout the duration of his marriage. He had led me to believe that I was the only other woman he had been involved with and in all honesty i wouldnt have been so open to moving here had I realised that had other dalliances throughout his marriage. I felt duped. I thought that what we shared was different and that we had been truthful with eachother. I know, I know...why would I think that when he hasnt been truthful to his own family and friends for so many years. Still, up until that point it is what I believed.

We had a massive bust up and somehow he managed to talk me round. he was so sorry for what he had done and wanted to do the right thing etc etc. He said that he had never met any of them, they were just flirtations to make him feel good. That he never wantedto replace me as he loved me and what we shared.

 

For the next few months he was loving and caring and attentive and showed a lot of remorse for letting me down. Anyway I dont know what prompted me but something didnt feel right and I started to look into it a bit more closely. It was then that I discovered that one of them loved in his suburb! I knew at that moment that there was no way he wouldnt have met her.

So follows another huge argument. He finally comes clean and admits that during his marriage he had a number of one night stands with people and a couple of short liaisons. He had stopped this when he met me although he couldnt quite remember if there was any crossover during the first year when I was in my home country! Nice. I was single and managed to stay faithful to him and also managed to remember that I had.

He said that he had met one woman during the three weeks we werent together and that they had gone for a walk on the beach but nothing more. I dont believe him now.

Anyway it devastated me. It changed everything. I had moved country and given my life to this bloke. I am financially broke from trying to stay here and I was devastated because at that point I was 40 and had always wanted a baby; moreso wanted us to have a child together. I told him that things had changed now I knew he had met one of them and that if he was serious about us, it was time to put his money where his mouth was. I gave him the ultimatum that he had to choose now. We talked about it and he said that he would think things over; he loved me but was nt sure he could walk away from his children. he said in the event he couldnt leave he would give me the child I had always wanted since he knew it was so important to me and he wanted to do something good.

I knew that would be particularly hard for him to do because he takes his father role very seriously and had until that point always mainatined we would only have a child if we were together properly.

Anyway a few weeks later, he tells me he has decided that he has made a choice between me and his wife. That its decided; he loves me and chooses me. He just needs to work out if he can leave because of his girls. he asks me to spend the next few weeks building his confidence to do do this; which I do. It was very traumatic for both of us and there were lots of tears. We talked about custody arrangements and where we would live. he wondered if he could move into here straightaway. he needed to control how it was done he told me, because his wife could be bitter and would stop him seeing the girls if she thought someone else was involved. We talked about building a new home together and marriage and he even talked of leaving the church.

Anyway our D day arrives. That day on the phone he tells me that he loves me and will see me later. When he arrived he started crying and said he couldnt do it, that his girls meant everything to him and he just wasnt ready to do it.

He says we will have to go with plan B - the baby.

 

I was devastated. I knew I couldnt keep putting myself through this half life anymore. Itwas making me ill. I also knew how weak we were when it came to eachother. I knew we would end up back together in a few days/weeks and I couldnt put myself through it anymore. So I emailed his wife. i thought by doing that our choice would be removed. It would completely stop the affair and at that point its what I wanted and needed to hapen.

It wasnt a nasty letter. Infact I tried to word it the best i could to try and limit the hurt. ididnt tell her that he chose me. I instead said that he loved her and that he was a good man. I said that I knew he was committed to them and that I hoped that they could work it out and be happy.

 

I am not proud of doing this, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of doing. I really regret it now.

 

Basically the crap hits the fan not long after.

 

In the week straight after xmm and I are still talking daily via text. He is upset and says he hopes I dont hate him and I am hurting and just wanting him to be ok. That Friday he comes round and has sex to put the baby plan into action. He was lovely to me and held me and told me that I was beautiful.

 

This is when it all takes a massive turn for the worst.

 

Up until this point I dont think his wife believed the email. I think he panics that he will get caught having had sex with me again. She goes to church and tells the bishop and he says he might be excommunicated and that she has taken his wedding ring from him.

 

he says he doesnt know that he will do plan B now and that the only thing he can do is try and make the marriage work as he wont lose his children. We argue and I cry. he says he wont make a decision about plan B until he has spoken to the church leaders that week. When he finally calls he is distant and cold (I think with hindsight she was in the car with him).

He tells me he wont give me a baby and says out of the blue that I have blackmailed him! wtf!!

 

I knew it was bad as soon as he mentioned that word. We had a screaming match and he warned me that his wife would attack me. I said attack me for what, I've only told the truth. The next thing I know is his wife names me publicly on her blog as threatening her family and stalking her. All lies. Until this point (10 days after d-day) I had sent only the one email disclosing the affair.

 

I was utterly devastated and sobbing I called and said how could he let her do that. It was lies, I hadnt threatenend anyone. People were posting and saying all sorts about me. SO I emailed her and said that for every lie posted about me I would post something truthful, since my ex was denying what our relationship was and lying to save his own skin.

 

The next morning it turns out that they go to court and file for a violence restraining order against me! I got the transcipts and they are so hurtful. Mainly just a bunch of lies and some of the things he said are clearly to cover himself. Apparently he had been trying tio end it for years! lol

The judge wasnt very sympethetic with him and thew out the applications straightaway regarding the kids. But I was summoned about allegations of threats i had made and the post I had made in defence of her post against me. (which were basically copies of email he sent me asking me to move country, copies of texts amd his adverts for sex sites).

 

To cut a very horrible story short, I agreed to sign an undertaking not to have any contact with them. With hindsight I wish I had fought it but I was off work with depression and anxiety atthe time and my lawyer advised this rather than go to a public hearing. she didnt think they had a case but was worried that if we got a judge who was sensitive about affairs they may find in her favour that she felt intimidated and I would have to pay court costs.

 

Since the day they filed at court I have had no contact from him. I contemplated suicide twice. I have never done that before. I have no support network here and I am financially broke.

I have just been sick from work again and my doctor tells me he thinks I have post traumatic stress syndrome afterthe split, accusations and court.

 

I cant believe he would do this to me, in orderto save himself. I have well and truly been thrown under the bus. She seems happy to make me the scapegoat even though he had many other women during his marriage.

 

Please try and be kind. I am walking a very fine line atthe moment. I could just do with some support. I am not sleeping and every day is taken up with thoughts of why he would do this. i go over and over it in my mind.

The lies, the accusations, the very painful no contact and the court.

 

I cant even get any answers as to why and that is killing me.

 

GIRL KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. Everyone makes a mistake. Move town, start over, u have 40 great yrs left on this great planet of ours...hell some of the hottest women on the plant are over 40, and u can always adopt one day, or IVF or whatever. Get to the gym, go hit the stores, go be fabulous, U GO GIRL (little sis LOL, I know what to say to a sad female).

 

U r the winner here, u got out, and thank GOD u didnt have a kid with him else ud be stuck in that sh*t mess forever. As it is, uve left him, his wife and crazy community to that whole hell hole situation, u get to walk away.

 

Last point - u r still lettin him rule ur life and steal ur time by thinkin WHY WHY WHY. BAsically he is an azzhole thats why, now stop thinkin about him, and go find that crazy new love of ur life, new town, new start, excitin times

[myname]

GIRL KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. Everyone makes a mistake. Move town, start over, u have 40 great yrs left on this great planet of ours...hell some of the hottest women on the plant are over 40, and u can always adopt one day, or IVF or whatever. Get to the gym, go hit the stores, go be fabulous, U GO GIRL (little sis LOL, I know what to say to a sad female).

 

U r the winner here, u got out, and thank GOD u didnt have a kid with him else ud be stuck in that sh*t mess forever. As it is, uve left him, his wife and crazy community to that whole hell hole situation, u get to walk away.

 

Last point - u r still lettin him rule ur life and steal ur time by thinkin WHY WHY WHY. BAsically he is an azzhole thats why, now stop thinkin about him, and go find that crazy new love of ur life, new town, new start, excitin times

 

that's a nice post phillyfan

[scatterd]

This is a good example of how it does not matter if they go to church or not.If a man wants to cheat they will.In time you will be over him and you will be sure of what you want and do not.Think of this as a learning lesson in life and do not be hard on your self.This man should be a polygamist as much as he wanders I wonder if 6 wives would be enough.That might be a good lesson for him having to take care of them all.I'm not being mean just hoping to cheer you up a little.They say its against the law to have many wives here but if you marry someone married you still need a divorce

and they only press charges if the first wife complains or if you are with children.Anyway so much for that I wish you the best know that you deserve better and don't think of it as he choice someone over you its not that way.He choise to take the easy way out so he does not look like the villain.His wife will have more heart breaks then this be glad you are not married to him.Someday you will meet the right person and maybe this lesson is meant for you to give this other guy a chance where you would not have before.Love your self and be true to your self BIG HUGS

[phillyfan]

that's a nice post phillyfan

 

thanks man

[fooled once]

Wow I am so sorry for your pain. Four years and you get nothing in the end. Hopefully, you learned a huge lesson from this whole experience, and that is MMwant affairs and not divorces. They are the most manipulative, cunning sociopathic people on the plant. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

Stop looking for the answers. EVEN IF YOU HAD THE ANSWERS, YOU STILL WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. And that is because you went with your emotions instead of logic and common sense to not get involved with mm.

 

Don't beat yourself up and try to be gentle with yourself. You are very fragile right now and need a lot of support.

 

Forget about the people in your past, they didn't make it to your future for a reason.

 

((HUGS))

 

I agree

 

Thankyou SB129!

 

It's good to hear other people's stories; helps me gleam some hope for my own future.

 

I was from the UK originally and then moved to Australia to be with him. Apart from all the mess, I actually love it here. I have a job and a home; the first home I have owned since my own diivorce years ago.

 

In terms of his wife and family not knowing and it being the tip of the ice berg, well thats just the thing; she does know the extent of his infidelities. I think she is either choosing not to believe them or perhaps its easier just to make me the focus of the whole thing. I guess believing its a one off thing with a Glenn Close type nutcase and blackmailer is a whole lot easier to forgive??

 

I find that one of the hardest things to stomach; that they painted me as someone driven by bitterness who would hurt and threaten children. It disgusted and distressed me beyond words. I love children and anyone who knows me knows I wouldnt hurt a fly. Hell I dish flies out of the bath and blow on them to dry them

 

I dont think anyone in his family knows. From what she wrote in the summons evidence, I think she wanted it to remain a secret from them. I suppose keeping it secret is the best way to maintain the facade of the marriage and how its viewed by family and religious friends.

 

I know it is hard to hear this, but you are too villifying the wife. Why? Because she didn't kick his sorry ass out the day she got your email? Do you know for a fact that he didn't beg her and plead with her that you were just some nut - who stalked him? I mean, that accusation is from HIM, not her. You have NO IDEA what HE told her to "keep his kids". Sorry, that is just such a sore spot with me - MEN using their kids for hurting anyone. He did use his kids as an excuse. Did he really think HE would get custody over his wife? At best, he would have gotten 50/50 custody. Was he thinking of his kids when he spent hours on the phone/computer with you? Or the hours he spent with you? Why are the kids only a thought when it is convenient?

 

The best thing happened - you told your truth. You now have a chance to a decent life. You now have a chance to having someone love JUST you. You now have the chance for a future with someone who is devoted to JUST you.

 

He isn't with his wife for the kids, IMHO. That is what he is using to justify his excuse. Reading your story, I knew, just KNEW you were going to say "he stayed for the kids". This is a common "cope out". My H divorced his ex wife (and there was no cheating). He didn't lose his kids. He saw his kids, he was involved with his kids, etc. He just no longer lived with them full time. There are also courts and 'laws' regarding keeping the kids from a non custodial parent.

 

I truly am sorry for all the hurt you are feeling. I am glad you are seeing someone. I am glad you are taking some medication - for now. I think you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You picked up and MOVED for this dude. YOU DO have strength in there. Do not give in to the depression. Do not let him take that from you too (your sanity) and for heaven's sake, he is NOT worth taking your life over.

 

He lied to you repeatedly - whether you want to believe it or not (about other mistresses). He lied to you, he led you along and he hurt you incredibly.

 

Please stop worrying about him. Please stop worrying about his marriage. Please focus on you and healing. Do NOT let this beat you or define you. You are a woman who got caught up in something unhealthy and something that has turned out to be a nightmare of an experience. He is an emotionally and mentally abusive jerk. He doesn't deserve anymore of your tears.

 

Make YOUR life for you. I want to tell you to stop letting this situation continue to affect your work. the last thing you need is for this past situation to take away your job. As you indicated, financially things aren't great right now, so hang onto your job. Get involved with a charity. Helping others many times helps us forget our own troubles and at times makes us realize how "good" we really do have it. Find things to keep you busy so you aren't sitting and wondering and remembering. You have to fight - you have to stay strong and keep your body healthy.

 

Again, I am very sorry for your hurting. I hope that you start healing and moving forward. Best of luck to you.

[thissecretgirl]

I agree

 

 

I know it is hard to hear this, but you are too villifying the wife. Why? Because she didn't kick his sorry ass out the day she got your email? Do you know for a fact that he didn't beg her and plead with her that you were just some nut - who stalked him? I mean, that accusation is from HIM, not her. You have NO IDEA what HE told her to "keep his kids". Sorry, that is just such a sore spot with me - MEN using their kids for hurting anyone. He did use his kids as an excuse. Did he really think HE would get custody over his wife? At best, he would have gotten 50/50 custody. Was he thinking of his kids when he spent hours on the phone/computer with you? Or the hours he spent with you? Why are the kids only a thought when it is convenient?

 

Actually thats not quite true. If I villify his wifeits because of the whole court and restraining order saga and the impact its had. If I had wanted her to kick him out I would have hold her everything in that first email, but I didnt. I understand you think that and understand that it this is why a lot of people tell the wife. I'm sorry though, it is completely the wrong assumption in my case. I told because i wanted to remove all chance of us ending back together. Living a half life for four years hurts too much, i couldnt put myself through it anymore.

 

Secondly, the accusation about stalking and threatening is from her. I believe he put the idea in her head, but the accusation was from her.

 

 

He isn't with his wife for the kids, IMHO. That is what he is using to justify his excuse. Reading your story, I knew, just KNEW you were going to say "he stayed for the kids". This is a common "cope out". My H divorced his ex wife (and there was no cheating). He didn't lose his kids. He saw his kids, he was involved with his kids, etc. He just no longer lived with them full time. There are also courts and 'laws' regarding keeping the kids from a non custodial parent.

 

I truly am sorry for all the hurt you are feeling. I am glad you are seeing someone. I am glad you are taking some medication - for now. I think you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You picked up and MOVED for this dude. YOU DO have strength in there. Do not give in to the depression. Do not let him take that from you too (your sanity) and for heaven's sake, he is NOT worth taking your life over.

 

He lied to you repeatedly - whether you want to believe it or not (about other mistresses). He lied to you, he led you along and he hurt you incredibly.

 

 

Again, I am very sorry for your hurting. I hope that you start healing and moving forward. Best of luck to you.

 

I 100% believe that the reason he stayed was because he didnt want to lose what he had with his girls ie. daily contact. He didnt want 50/50 and didnt truly believe he would get that. He used to worry he wouldonly get weekends and he wanted them full time. I appreciate its a common cop out but I believe it to be true in this case. That and other reasons such as not wanting to be cast as the bad guy by his peers. As I said, he even told his wife this was the reason because she wrote in the court statement that she knew ultimately he had hadnt left because of the children.

 

As for the other women, I DO believe it. I dont think I said anywhere that I dont. Most of them were well before our relationship, but I actually believe he met and had physical contact with that woman last year.

As i say i am the one who does believe it.

 

Thankyou for your support and constructive comments. I just wanted to be clear.

[thissecretgirl]

I will reply later when I have some time to reply properly.

 

I was meant to go into work this morning but had such a terrible night that I havent as yet and have spent this morning crying.

 

I am going to go get myself ready though and try to face the world.

 

Thank you all for your support and words, its really helping me through this horrible time.

[whichwayisup]

Secondly, the accusation about stalking and threatening is from her. I believe he put the idea in her head, but the accusation was from her.

Just imagine what HE told her to get her that fired up. He threw you under the bus, big time, to protect himself. One email from you and now you're a stalker and threatening her? I don't think so. Her name may be on the RO, but it's his doing and his pushing. Keep that mind. She's being lied to and manipulated more than you realize, and he is taking advantage of her frame of mind and emotions right now.

[thissecretgirl]

Just imagine what HE told her to get her that fired up. He threw you under the bus, big time, to protect himself. One email from you and now you're a stalker and threatening her? I don't think so. Her name may be on the RO, but it's his doing and his pushing. Keep that mind. She's being lied to and manipulated more than you realize, and he is taking advantage of her frame of mind and emotions right now.

 

Yes absolutely. I know he spun a line...for sure. They both took out RO; thankfully it didnt go as far as that.

 

I don't know if she is also being manipluated or is just choosing to believe whats more manageable ie. one affair rather than his continued infidelity throughout their marriage.

 

Whichever, it must be a really terrible place to be. I do understand that.

[thissecretgirl]

GIRL KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. Everyone makes a mistake. Move town, start over, u have 40 great yrs left on this great planet of ours...hell some of the hottest women on the plant are over 40, and u can always adopt one day, or IVF or whatever. Get to the gym, go hit the stores, go be fabulous, U GO GIRL (little sis LOL, I know what to say to a sad female).

 

U r the winner here, u got out, and thank GOD u didnt have a kid with him else ud be stuck in that sh*t mess forever. As it is, uve left him, his wife and crazy community to that whole hell hole situation, u get to walk away.

 

Last point - u r still lettin him rule ur life and steal ur time by thinkin WHY WHY WHY. BAsically he is an azzhole thats why, now stop thinkin about him, and go find that crazy new love of ur life, new town, new start, excitin times

 

Thanks so much for this post Phillyfan.

 

Its exactly what I need to right now. I am letting it consume me and I need to stop that and look forward.

 

I am finding the no contact the hardest thing, which I know is ridiculous as I wanted to stop the affair. I suppose I didnt realise stopping would feel this bad lol

[whichwayisup]

Yes absolutely. I know he spun a line...for sure. They both took out RO; thankfully it didnt go as far as that.

 

I don't know if she is also being manipluated or is just choosing to believe whats more manageable ie. one affair rather than his continued infidelity throughout their marriage.

 

Whichever, it must be a really terrible place to be. I do understand that.

Oh you can bet he has fired her up and is being manipulated. He is covering his own hide right now and making you the bad guy in all this. Denial denial denial. And yes, she may be ignoring her gut instincts due to his pleas and begging.

[TinaniT]

With as much as this guy manipulated you through all this time (it's clear he did), you can bet he's using every turn to manipulate his wife.

 

good luck moving forward!!