This will sound like a really bad soap opera - but unfortunately it's my life

[thissecretgirl]

Oh you can bet he has fired her up and is being manipulated. He is covering his own hide right now and making you the bad guy in all this. Denial denial denial. And yes, she may be ignoring her gut instincts due to his pleas and begging.

 

Yes I think you are spot on whichwayisup. Not long afterwards he told me there was nothing he could do now to sort the situation out. I think instead he did exactly what he could to salvage it at home.

As for his wife, I do understand; and its human nature to want to believe the person you have been with for years. In some ways its easier to believe it than face the horrible truth.

 

I'm not just saying this as an OW, but it does amaze me that so many BS forgive or try desperately to forgive their WS but the OW is seen as the homewrecker and the one to despise even in cases where the WS has sought out the OW or has had multiple affairs. I think both parties have to take responsibility for their parts in the affair, but I just find it hard to understand why its easier for the BS to forgive the one who owed them the most. I think share the blame if anything.

 

I admit that I struggle sometimes not wanting his life to be hard for him.Is this normal? I find it quite hard as I normally a forgiving type myself.

But it feels like he has fed me to the wolves and made me quite ill in the process not to mention the financial mess I'm now in. I gave him years because I loved him at a crucial time in terms of having my own baby and yet sometimes it feels like his life is still ticketyboo and that he has emerged unscathed. Though I guess its not like that in reality.

[thissecretgirl]

With as much as this guy manipulated you through all this time (it's clear he did), you can bet he's using every turn to manipulate his wife.

 

good luck moving forward!!

 

 

Yes he is a Master at manipulation and I let him.

 

Thankyou for your well wishes!

[fooled once]

Actually thats not quite true. If I villify his wifeits because of the whole court and restraining order saga and the impact its had. If I had wanted her to kick him out I would have hold her everything in that first email, but I didnt. I understand you think that and understand that it this is why a lot of people tell the wife. I'm sorry though, it is completely the wrong assumption in my case. I told because i wanted to remove all chance of us ending back together. Living a half life for four years hurts too much, i couldnt put myself through it anymore.

 

Secondly, the accusation about stalking and threatening is from her. I believe he put the idea in her head, but the accusation was from her.

 

I 100% believe that the reason he stayed was because he didnt want to lose what he had with his girls ie. daily contact. He didnt want 50/50 and didnt truly believe he would get that. He used to worry he wouldonly get weekends and he wanted them full time. I appreciate its a common cop out but I believe it to be true in this case. That and other reasons such as not wanting to be cast as the bad guy by his peers. As I said, he even told his wife this was the reason because she wrote in the court statement that she knew ultimately he had hadnt left because of the children.

 

As for the other women, I DO believe it. I dont think I said anywhere that I dont. Most of them were well before our relationship, but I actually believe he met and had physical contact with that woman last year.

As i say i am the one who does believe it.

 

Thankyou for your support and constructive comments. I just wanted to be clear.

 

Thank you for responding.

 

What I see by what you have written is you justifying HIS bad behavior but blaming her. Where do you think SHE got her info from? HIM. Do you really believe he tried to shield YOU from anything? Hell now. He is doing damage control with his wife at every angle. I know you are not wanting to hurt him or disparage him, yet he doesn't have the same inclination about you. Why? Why the need to defend him after ALL that he put you through? Granted, you willingly allowed him to continue to manipulate you, but I firmly believe he could have talked his wife out of the court action. But he didn't.

 

Just imagine what HE told her to get her that fired up. He threw you under the bus, big time, to protect himself. One email from you and now you're a stalker and threatening her? I don't think so. Her name may be on the RO, but it's his doing and his pushing. Keep that mind. She's being lied to and manipulated more than you realize, and he is taking advantage of her frame of mind and emotions right now.

 

Exactly!

 

Oh you can bet he has fired her up and is being manipulated. He is covering his own hide right now and making you the bad guy in all this. Denial denial denial. And yes, she may be ignoring her gut instincts due to his pleas and begging.

 

Agree.

 

Yes I think you are spot on whichwayisup. Not long afterwards he told me there was nothing he could do now to sort the situation out. I think instead he did exactly what he could to salvage it at home.

As for his wife, I do understand; and its human nature to want to believe the person you have been with for years. In some ways its easier to believe it than face the horrible truth.

 

I'm not just saying this as an OW, but it does amaze me that so many BS forgive or try desperately to forgive their WS but the OW is seen as the homewrecker and the one to despise even in cases where the WS has sought out the OW or has had multiple affairs. I think both parties have to take responsibility for their parts in the affair, but I just find it hard to understand why its easier for the BS to forgive the one who owed them the most. I think share the blame if anything.

 

I admit that I struggle sometimes not wanting his life to be hard for him.Is this normal? I find it quite hard as I normally a forgiving type myself.

But it feels like he has fed me to the wolves and made me quite ill in the process not to mention the financial mess I'm now in. I gave him years because I loved him at a crucial time in terms of having my own baby and yet sometimes it feels like his life is still ticketyboo and that he has emerged unscathed. Though I guess its not like that in reality.

 

remember, the wife has had YEARS with this guy - from first meeting up until she finds out about the affair. And she finds out that you MOVED countries to be with him. Can you image her feelings? Her world IMPLODING? You knew all along he was married...no matter how the marriage was relayed to you. She knew NOTHING of your existance until you sent her an email. Her world was rocked. The man she thought she married, the man she chose to have children with. The man she had planned a future with. Not some guy she met online, chatted with and then visited. You made the decision to go be with a guy who was married with kids. She had NO IDEA you existed.

 

So you really think she is to blame for him unzipping his pants and having an affair? That is the issue I have with so many OW and their rationalizing. As IF the wife must know all that her husband does. YOU didn't know all that he was doing. YOU had reason to mistrust him because you knew UP FRONT he was betraying his wife by even having a flirtation with you. SHE DIDN'T know. She didn't get what you got. She got worse than you got.

 

There are many former BS's on here who have reconciled their marriages. Do you really think they just wake up one day and say "oh honey, I forgive you"? That's not how it works. Read the pain they have gone through. Read the indecision they go through. Read how they wonder if they can ever trust their spouse again. It is a painful, heart breaking process. But they choose to do so for any number of reasons. I do not believe the main reason they do this is "for the kids". Women have been raising kids alone for years! Me included.

 

Women forgive their spouse because they pledged years before to commit to each other. They pledged "for better or for worse".. Some people take that very seriously. Some people don't care. Why is the OW blamed? because she willingly chose to have an affair with a MARRIED man. She willingly chose to sneak around. She willingly chose to allow a guy to disrespect her by being a part of an affair.

 

The BS didn't have the affair. She has nothing to be ashamed of. But her spouse did. Maybe they won't make it. Only they know. But if they don't - you can count on him to come sniffing around. Look on this site - see how many MM are caught, only to lay low for a bit, regain their wives trust only to break it again. And look at how many OW willingly go through it all over again - the lying, the sneaking, etc. For a GUY! As if there aren't a million other ones to choose from.

 

You were lied to and manipulated you.

You were thrown to the wolves and he chose to NOT protect you, someone he claimed to love. He even went after you with a restraining order. Did he do it to win brownie points with his wife? Does it matter WHY he did it? The point is he did it!

 

Unfortunately, you learned a very valuable lesson - never, ever get involved with a MM again. NEVER. You will be feeling the effects of this for years in some way (thinking financially since you said it has left you with quite a financial burden). Some will criticize his wife for having him on "lock down" - can you blame her? If she wants to save her marriage, she has to rebuild the broken trust. Can it be rebuilt? Only she can answer that. She may decide in a year to dump him.

 

I don't blame any BS for outing the cheater to anyone and everyone. Why should she hide it? Why should she protect him? He wasn't protecting her by having UNPROTECTED sex. I mean, did either of you have an STD check before sleeping together? Have you had one since? Please - get checked - who knows who all he was sleeping with.

 

I truly truly am sorry for your pain. But please, put your anger where it belongs - ON HIM. I know you blame yourself, and not to be hurtful, but you also share the blame. But you fell in love and sometimes, love is really blind and dopey. Should you have been wary that this affair dragged on for years? You could have stopped it. But you didn't. And he sure as hell was enjoying having 2 women wanting him. Ugh...some men can be such pigs!! They sure don't seem to care who they hurt.

 

I hope you are getting stronger each day. Please take care of yourself - look after yourself and forgive yourself.

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

But it feels like he has fed me to the wolves and made me quite ill in the process not to mention the financial mess I'm now in. I gave him years because I loved him at a crucial time in terms of having my own baby

And imagine how his wife feels? GO to the infidelity section and read about the pain BS's have to deal with, see the other side of the coin. Do you see how wrong it was of him to even offer to have a baby with you while he was still married and has kids of his own with his wife? He's a complete idiot!

 

FO, amazing post reply! I mirror what you've said.

[thissecretgirl]

Thank you for responding.

 

What I see by what you have written is you justifying HIS bad behavior but blaming her. Where do you think SHE got her info from? HIM. Do you really believe he tried to shield YOU from anything? Hell now. He is doing damage control with his wife at every angle. I know you are not wanting to hurt him or disparage him, yet he doesn't have the same inclination about you. Why? Why the need to defend him after ALL that he put you through? Granted, you willingly allowed him to continue to manipulate you, but I firmly believe he could have talked his wife out of the court action. But he didn't.

 

Thanks for replying.

 

Sorry I think there is some confusion then. Either I am not writing clearly or you are misunderstanding. I do not justify his behaviour whatsoever. I blame him for being a coward, a manipulator and for throwing me under the bus. I blame her for publicly naming me on a website for things that were untrue and I blame them both for the court debacle. I blame myself for getting involved in the first place and often think perhaps I should have just kept my mouth shut and she would have known nothing.

 

So no, I do not justify what he did. I think what he did was disgusting and there are no excuses.

 

As for talking her out of court, I believe you are wrong and no...thats not me justifying his behaviour, thats me reaching a decision based on his personality and what I know of their dynamic. Not that I know much but I guess more than most.

 

remember, the wife has had YEARS with this guy - from first meeting up until she finds out about the affair. And she finds out that you MOVED countries to be with him. Can you image her feelings? Her world IMPLODING? You knew all along he was married...no matter how the marriage was relayed to you. She knew NOTHING of your existance until you sent her an email. Her world was rocked. The man she thought she married, the man she chose to have children with. The man she had planned a future with. Not some guy she met online, chatted with and then visited. You made the decision to go be with a guy who was married with kids. She had NO IDEA you existed.

 

absolutely I understand this. But to describe our four year relationship "some guy she met online, chatted with and then visited" is trivialising it. BTW that could also describe her.

 

So you really think she is to blame for him unzipping his pants and having an affair? That is the issue I have with so many OW and their rationalizing.

Um no, I dont believe I have said that anywhere..thats your interpretation.

 

She didn't get what you got. She got worse than you got.

your opinion.

 

There are many former BS's on here who have reconciled their marriages. Do you really think they just wake up one day and say "oh honey, I forgive you"? That's not how it works. Read the pain they have gone through. Read the indecision they go through. Read how they wonder if they can ever trust their spouse again. It is a painful, heart breaking process. But they choose to do so for any number of reasons. I do not believe the main reason they do this is "for the kids". Women have been raising kids alone for years! Me included.

 

 

Re the bolded part; that is a generalisation. For some it may be a real issue and for others just an excuse. Again I can only base that on what I know.

 

I'm not being funny, but I find the rest of that quite patronising. No I dont think they wake up one day and think that. I know I didnt when my ex husband cheated on me. People make choices, bad ones and sometimes there are intrinisic problems in the relationship that they dont bother to sort out first. My comment re blame is simply that it should be shared. And I based my question/comments on things I have seen written on this board and on my own personal experiences.

 

 

You were lied to and manipulated you.

You were thrown to the wolves and he chose to NOT protect you, someone he claimed to love. He even went after you with a restraining order. Did he do it to win brownie points with his wife? Does it matter WHY he did it? The point is he did it!

 

Of course it matters why and of course the answer to detract from the fact it happened. But yes it matters to me. I can summise just like everyone else, but only he knows his reason and thought process.

 

Perhaps other people are stronger/different and wouldnt care why.

 

 

I don't blame any BS for outing the cheater to anyone and everyone. Why should she hide it? Why should she protect him? He wasn't protecting her by having UNPROTECTED sex. I mean, did either of you have an STD check before sleeping together? Have you had one since? Please - get checked - who knows who all he was sleeping with.

I know my own sexual history and was checked, it was his that came as a surprise and I too will be checked.

 

I truly truly am sorry for your pain. But please, put your anger where it belongs - ON HIM. I know you blame yourself, and not to be hurtful, but you also share the blame. But you fell in love and sometimes, love is really blind and dopey. Should you have been wary that this affair dragged on for years? You could have stopped it. But you didn't. And he sure as hell was enjoying having 2 women wanting him. Ugh...some men can be such pigs!! They sure don't seem to care who they hurt.

 

I hope you are getting stronger each day. Please take care of yourself - look after yourself and forgive yourself.

 

Good luck

 

I know I share the blame, as I have pointed out. I am well aware of that. I dont blame her for the affair I think I have also said that. I blame them both for the court and restraining order crap. Yes I blame her for that too.

You know lots of people make crappy choices and have affairs, not everyone ends up in court because of that, just like the judge said.

If they did the courts would be full every day.

 

I did wrong and I deserved some of the blame. What I didnt deserve was that and yes I blame him and her for that.

 

Thanks for your well wishes.

[thissecretgirl]

And imagine how his wife feels? GO to the infidelity section and read about the pain BS's have to deal with, see the other side of the coin. Do you see how wrong it was of him to even offer to have a baby with you while he was still married and has kids of his own with his wife? He's a complete idiot!

 

FO, amazing post reply! I mirror what you've said.

 

 

I dont need to go to the infidelity section thanks, I have my own experiences to base my thoughts on.

 

I'm not sure of your story whichway, I did look but couldnt find it. Were you the BS?

[thissecretgirl]

It would be really good to hear from any affair partners/ow/om on here.

 

I'm not in a great place right now and could do with talking to people who have been through this from that particular perspective and who can offer some support and advice about how to deal with things like NC and lack of closure from that particular perspective.

[Fight4Me]

thissecretgirl,

 

I know you said you wanted to hear more from OW/OM, but I hope you don't mind me, a fBW, lending a perspective that has only been eluded to here... his standing in the LDS church. I want to tread lightly because I don't want to offend anyone reading who may be members, but I think what I'm about to say may help you process some of what happened.

 

I prefer not to go too much into why I have extensive experience with the workings of Mormonism, but I can say that I grew up in an area heavily populated with its members. I could go further, but we'll just leave it at that for now.

 

Let me just say that when I got to the part where he went to see his Bishop and then met with the other men in his church, what followed after really didn't surprise me. This isn't just an average case of a "religious man" giving into temptation, and then repenting and going back to his family. This is so much bigger and boils down to you against the Mormon Church. I can pretty much guarantee that the legal action taken against you was not cooked up by the BW. I can also guarantee that she knows EXACTLY what kind of man she's married to, but her own reputation and standing is tightly knitted to her husband's actions.... not just in this life, but the next.

 

I have personally seen what happens to even the innocent parties in such situations, let alone the guilty ones. On top of having to deal with the knowledge and pain of being betrayed, his wife is also having to deal with the scrutiny of the church.

 

I could go on, but I think you probably get what I'm trying to say. This is in no way meant to make you feel worse, as you're already in enough pain as it is, but to provide a fraction of the reality their family is living. He deserves every bit of discomfort (and then some), but you should at least take comfort in knowing you dodged a HUGE bullet. It may not seem like it now, but trust me, you did.

 

I really do wish you the best and pray you are able to move onward and upward to greater things this life has to offer.

[thissecretgirl]

thissecretgirl,

 

I know you said you wanted to hear more from OW/OM, but I hope you don't mind me, a fBW, lending a perspective that has only been eluded to here... his standing in the LDS church. I want to tread lightly because I don't want to offend anyone reading who may be members, but I think what I'm about to say may help you process some of what happened.

 

I prefer not to go too much into why I have extensive experience with the workings of Mormonism, but I can say that I grew up in an area heavily populated with its members. I could go further, but we'll just leave it at that for now.

 

Let me just say that when I got to the part where he went to see his Bishop and then met with the other men in his church, what followed after really didn't surprise me. This isn't just an average case of a "religious man" giving into temptation, and then repenting and going back to his family. This is so much bigger and boils down to you against the Mormon Church. I can pretty much guarantee that the legal action taken against you was not cooked up by the BW. I can also guarantee that she knows EXACTLY what kind of man she's married to, but her own reputation and standing is tightly knitted to her husband's actions.... not just in this life, but the next.

 

I have personally seen what happens to even the innocent parties in such situations, let alone the guilty ones. On top of having to deal with the knowledge and pain of being betrayed, his wife is also having to deal with the scrutiny of the church.

 

I could go on, but I think you probably get what I'm trying to say. This is in no way meant to make you feel worse, as you're already in enough pain as it is, but to provide a fraction of the reality their family is living. He deserves every bit of discomfort (and then some), but you should at least take comfort in knowing you dodged a HUGE bullet. It may not seem like it now, but trust me, you did.

 

I really do wish you the best and pray you are able to move onward and upward to greater things this life has to offer.

 

No, thankyou so much for posting. You have confirmed my beliefs.

 

I didnt bother posting too many of them because it sounds slightly ott for people who havent had any dealings with the church or a lds. He was an elder in the Church and she also had/has an active role.

 

He was actually talking about leaving the church when we were making plans to have a life together. Though I have to stress his involvement would not have been a huge deal for me. I knew it meant a lot to him, but equally I feel he was ready to try and break away. He used to talk of sharing a bottle of wine lol, things that I take for granted.

 

My mum actually said that she believed thats where the legal advice would have come from. I wasnt sure simply because during the phonecall we had after he spoke to the bishop was when he said his wife would attack me if I wasnt careful. As the public naming and lies came that night and they filed the following day, I took this to mean the attack. He didnt say the church had advised her. But I dont know.

 

The one thing I did notice was the massive difference in how we communicated during the 10 days after dday and how he spoke to me the night after meeting his Bishop. In the ten days it was as tender as it could be, full of emotion; both of us checking that the other one was ok. The weekend before he saw the Bishop I believe they both spoke with the church (she was the one who told the chruch straight after dday) and his attitude shifted a little. But the night of the Bishop saw the biggest change of all. It was like talking to a different man. I remember mentioning this to my mum and friends; it felt like he had been indocrinated and all he was spouting was about repenting and how he would lose his children. It was just like he was repeating verbatim what he had been told to say. That the church will help him get back and wont turn their back on him. It was also the first time he mentioned blackmail. It was also after this night that the NC began.

 

He wasnt sure if he was going to be disfellowed or excommunicated and yes this would obviously have a huge impact on her. I think the chuch were by that point aware of everything; that being that he had had previous sexual relations during the course of his marriage, that he watched porn (another huge no no), masterbated and had this affair for four years,

Look when I say this people will think I am having a go at her and I am really not, it's just what I have come to learn. She takes her image and standing very seriously, professionally and within the religious community. A lot of it its a veneer and doesnt truly represent the reality, but the image is very important.

She is devout due to where she was raised, he (obviously) not so much so. I think they had a temple marriage and most of their shared friends are church members although he has a few mates who arent.

But thats what I didnt really understand. Why she told the bishop. I can only imagine it was a combination of wanting support and also that she felt a duty to disclose the information. Perhaps a little of wanting him to get his knuckles rapped too.

But the fallout from that must be huge. I'm not sure if they go anymore.

 

Yes I believed that the church had a role in what happened subsequently. The walls came down and the doors shut very quickly after that and I imagine a lot of that was based on guidance from the church.

 

Thankyou again for your insight and kind words.

[pureinheart]

thissecretgirl,

 

I know you said you wanted to hear more from OW/OM, but I hope you don't mind me, a fBW, lending a perspective that has only been eluded to here... his standing in the LDS church. I want to tread lightly because I don't want to offend anyone reading who may be members, but I think what I'm about to say may help you process some of what happened.

 

I prefer not to go too much into why I have extensive experience with the workings of Mormonism, but I can say that I grew up in an area heavily populated with its members. I could go further, but we'll just leave it at that for now.

 

Let me just say that when I got to the part where he went to see his Bishop and then met with the other men in his church, what followed after really didn't surprise me. This isn't just an average case of a "religious man" giving into temptation, and then repenting and going back to his family. This is so much bigger and boils down to you against the Mormon Church. I can pretty much guarantee that the legal action taken against you was not cooked up by the BW. I can also guarantee that she knows EXACTLY what kind of man she's married to, but her own reputation and standing is tightly knitted to her husband's actions.... not just in this life, but the next.

 

I have personally seen what happens to even the innocent parties in such situations, let alone the guilty ones. On top of having to deal with the knowledge and pain of being betrayed, his wife is also having to deal with the scrutiny of the church.

 

I could go on, but I think you probably get what I'm trying to say. This is in no way meant to make you feel worse, as you're already in enough pain as it is, but to provide a fraction of the reality their family is living. He deserves every bit of discomfort (and then some), but you should at least take comfort in knowing you dodged a HUGE bullet. It may not seem like it now, but trust me, you did.

 

I really do wish you the best and pray you are able to move onward and upward to greater things this life has to offer.

 

These aren't your words F4M, although I can see the church "demonising" both people...seeing "them" as tarnished in some way (it is quite sick thinking IMO).

 

It happened to me with the USMC...I was basically a "demon" to them for what my now exH did, guilt by association.

 

TSG...I am so very sorry for what happened to you. I agree with the first page of posters communicating the fact that you need to get home. I read your reply to me in another thread and was going to reply back stating that lately I swim in a pool of tears, if you look at me funny the waterworks turn on....I was going to ask if you were in that mode also...then I remembered you had a thread going and realised after reading it...yep waterworks are the key right now for you also.

 

ExDM's family went after me also...long story...I encouraged him to to D and leave for many reasons as he was in a very abusive situation (of which he was a party to also). He depended on me a lot, and most of the time I spent more time trying to stay away from him than being with him...then after I saw more of his situation I wanted nothing to do with any of it or any of them, they all disgusted me.

 

You may have been the scapegoat...I know I was and I can't imagine how devastated you are right now....my thoughts and many prayers are with you....please keep us updated and posting cam help the pain some...and if you get mean posts, please just disregard them ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[thissecretgirl]

These aren't your words F4M, although I can see the church "demonising" both people...seeing "them" as tarnished in some way (it is quite sick thinking IMO).

 

It happened to me with the USMC...I was basically a "demon" to them for what my now exH did, guilt by association.

 

TSG...I am so very sorry for what happened to you. I agree with the first page of posters communicating the fact that you need to get home. I read your reply to me in another thread and was going to reply back stating that lately I swim in a pool of tears, if you look at me funny the waterworks turn on....I was going to ask if you were in that mode also...then I remembered you had a thread going and realised after reading it...yep waterworks are the key right now for you also.

 

ExDM's family went after me also...long story...I encouraged him to to D and leave for many reasons as he was in a very abusive situation (of which he was a party to also). He depended on me a lot, and most of the time I spent more time trying to stay away from him than being with him...then after I saw more of his situation I wanted nothing to do with any of it or any of them, they all disgusted me.

 

You may have been the scapegoat...I know I was and I can't imagine how devastated you are right now....my thoughts and many prayers are with you....please keep us updated and posting cam help the pain some...and if you get mean posts, please just disregard them ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

Thankyou so much pureinheart.

 

Yes I am in waterworks mode, so much I wrote this in my journal the other daÿ:

"My crying is not shy; my crying knows no bounds. It has a mind of it's own that I seem unable to influence. I cry most days, if not every day and often wonder if my body is capable of producing any more tears. And as if in response to hearing me question it's capabilities, it sets out to prove a point about just how remarkable our bodies are, by continuing to show me it has unending, relentless supplies."

 

I had gone to the doctors and wept like a baby when I honestly thought I was all cried out

 

The good thing is, I havent cried for two days including today. Thats a big deal, since a day hasnt passed since July when I havent sobbed even if only for 5 minutes.

 

I definitely understand why people advise me to go home, its where the people who love me are, but also this has become my home in the last three years. After my own divorce and the death of my dad this move was a much needed one, exMM aside. I think my mum realises that more than most and she tells me to stay. I think what I will do is not make any hasty decisions; act in haste repent at leisure and all that and in the new year take stock and see how I feel then.

 

The trickiest bit for me will be christmas for sure. Although he hadnt planned to have moved out before christmas, christmas was a benchmark for us and we still would have spent a lot of time together.

Now it will just be me and the cat lol. I'm catwoman and not in a good way

 

But thankyou so much for sharing; it really helps. What you went through sounds awful! I dont have a religion but I knew a little about them. Evenso I wasnt really prepared for the enslaught. They say attack is the best form of defence. It's terrible that you were guilty by association...blimey that doesnt smack of love or forgiveness.

 

I hope you are doing ok and wish you respite from the tears also.

 

*hugs*

[pureinheart]

Thankyou so much pureinheart.

 

Yes I am in waterworks mode, so much I wrote this in my journal the other daÿ:

"My crying is not shy; my crying knows no bounds. It has a mind of it's own that I seem unable to influence. I cry most days, if not every day and often wonder if my body is capable of producing any more tears. And as if in response to hearing me question it's capabilities, it sets out to prove a point about just how remarkable our bodies are, by continuing to show me it has unending, relentless supplies."

 

I had gone to the doctors and wept like a baby when I honestly thought I was all cried out

 

The good thing is, I havent cried for two days including today. Thats a big deal, since a day hasnt passed since July when I havent sobbed even if only for 5 minutes.

 

I definitely understand why people advise me to go home, its where the people who love me are, but also this has become my home in the last three years. After my own divorce and the death of my dad this move was a much needed one, exMM aside. I think my mum realises that more than most and she tells me to stay. I think what I will do is not make any hasty decisions; act in haste repent at leisure and all that and in the new year take stock and see how I feel then.

 

The trickiest bit for me will be christmas for sure. Although he hadnt planned to have moved out before christmas, christmas was a benchmark for us and we still would have spent a lot of time together.

Now it will just be me and the cat lol. I'm catwoman and not in a good way

 

But thankyou so much for sharing; it really helps. What you went through sounds awful! I dont have a religion but I knew a little about them. Evenso I wasnt really prepared for the enslaught. They say attack is the best form of defence. It's terrible that you were guilty by association...blimey that doesnt smack of love or forgiveness.

 

I hope you are doing ok and wish you respite from the tears also.

 

*hugs*

 

Thank you...I am ok and it is good to cry...the worst part happened a few years ago. He eventually D'ed and we spent much time together, although he was unable to commit and I need a life...a real life with a man that doesn't have so much baggage.

 

I cry now because of coming to the realisation of many things...filling the holes that he occupied.

 

Well, then that is good you are staying, and possibly in some strange way this was meant to be? The place you are to be...if this is the case then it was worth all of the garbage you went through...possibly your real love is here? Possibly your fame and fortune! I think that is wonderful that you are ok with where you are because in your "state" emotionally, moving takes much time and energy...so that makes one less thing to be concerned with.

 

Thank you for your support during such a difficult time...mine has been on going and I am about at the end of it. Along with the tears (which is really good to cry, as I don't cry much) there was an equal, if not more laughter today...a lot of peace.

 

Good days are coming for you, and it's difficult to possibly see right now, especially Christmas being a marked time for "togetherness" with MM...I understand and just priddy much stay home and work on my home because I'm not ready to face the outside world yet. I am also hiding behind 20-30lbs of weight that I must shed...no more hiding. At some point I need to get out there and live again, and I will due to growing restless....

 

The worst is over and the best is yet to come:)

Edited December 5, 2010 by pureinheart

[thissecretgirl]

Thank you...I am ok and it is good to cry...the worst part happened a few years ago. He eventually D'ed and we spent much time together, although he was unable to commit and I need a life...a real life with a man that doesn't have so much baggage.

 

I cry now because of coming to the realisation of many things...filling the holes that he occupied.

 

Well, then that is good you are staying, and possibly in some strange way this was meant to be? The place you are to be...if this is the case then it was worth all of the garbage you went through...possibly your real love is here? Possibly your fame and fortune! I think that is wonderful that you are ok with where you are because in your "state" emotionally, moving takes much time and energy...so that makes one less thing to be concerned with.

 

Thank you for your support during such a difficult time...mine has been on going and I am about at the end of it. Along with the tears (which is really good to cry, as I don't cry much) there was an equal, if not more laughter today...a lot of peace.

 

Good days are coming for you, and it's difficult to possibly see right now, especially Christmas being a marked time for "togetherness" with MM...I understand and just priddy much stay home and work on my home because I'm not ready to face the outside world yet. I am also hiding behind 20-30lbs of weight that I must shed...no more hiding. At some point I need to get out there and live again, and I will due to growing restless....

 

The worst is over and the best is yet to come:)

 

I hope there are good times and plenty of laughter ahead for the both of us pih and for anyone else who finds themself left reeling from an affair, whoever they may be.

 

I too laugh now. When I first heard myself a few weeks ago I almost shocked myself..I wondered what that strange noise was coming out of me! I had forgotten what it was like to laugh and how much I need it in my life. Now, even though I still cry I do laugh too.

 

I'm slightly annoyed at myself regarding the Church business; another example of being naive about things. I called the Bishop myself not long after to speak on behalf of my MM; despite everything I didnt want him to lose his religion and I spoke to him after the court case when I hit my lowest point and was contemplating finishing things. I regret confiding in someone who counseled heavily against me and did so not because he knew what was best for xMM, but because it was what the religion pushes.

 

I have the same xmas planned; I will immerse myself in doing the house and garden and distract myself the best I can.

 

Thanks again for your support xx

[pureinheart]

I hope there are good times and plenty of laughter ahead for the both of us pih and for anyone else who finds themself left reeling from an affair, whoever they may be.

 

I too laugh now. When I first heard myself a few weeks ago I almost shocked myself..I wondered what that strange noise was coming out of me! I had forgotten what it was like to laugh and how much I need it in my life. Now, even though I still cry I do laugh too.

 

I'm slightly annoyed at myself regarding the Church business; another example of being naive about things. I called the Bishop myself not long after to speak on behalf of my MM; despite everything I didnt want him to lose his religion and I spoke to him after the court case when I hit my lowest point and was contemplating finishing things. I regret confiding in someone who counseled heavily against me and did so not because he knew what was best for xMM, but because it was what the religion pushes.

 

I have the same xmas planned; I will immerse myself in doing the house and garden and distract myself the best I can.

 

Thanks again for your support xx

 

I have no doubt in my mind that the worst is over and the best is yet to come.

 

I strongly believe that you were dealing with a religious spirit...they observe the form, but deny the power thereof. Religious spirits are a battle that is too much for me and I avoid it like the plague. You are literally talking to robots, as they are very indoctrinated....very scary. Actually, I have to say I'm glad you are out of it.

 

Joy always comes in the morning, and I know that I know you will have more joy than you've ever known...get ready because there is unspeakable joy and happiness headed your way:)

[thissecretgirl]

I have no doubt in my mind that the worst is over and the best is yet to come.

 

I strongly believe that you were dealing with a religious spirit...they observe the form, but deny the power thereof. Religious spirits are a battle that is too much for me and I avoid it like the plague. You are literally talking to robots, as they are very indoctrinated....very scary. Actually, I have to say I'm glad you are out of it.

 

Joy always comes in the morning, and I know that I know you will have more joy than you've ever known...get ready because there is unspeakable joy and happiness headed your way:)

 

Thankyou, I hope you are right. *hugs*

 

Tonight I am finding it so hard. I dont know why, but then it can just come on like a bolt out of the blue.

 

I dont excuse what he has done, but it doesnt stop me missing him incredibly. I even wrote him a letter tonight; one he wont get.

 

God I miss him.

 

I hope tomorrow feels different.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well you certainly didn't "blackmail" him. You just laid it all out on the line as clear as day.

 

Blackmail would have entailed you stating conditions which he would have to meet in order to keep you from spilling the beans.

 

 

I think the most telling part of this is that he was from the Mormon church.

 

 

Doing whatever you can to extract yourself from the situation, the area, and the country would be best for you now.

 

 

IF you have a relative anywhere in the world who could afford to invite you to stay with them and get back on your feet, it would be the best move you could make looking toward the future.

 

WTH? Aside from my swearing streak, I am a Mormon and clearly you haven't read up on the teachings and practise of the church. This man's actions are contrary to EVERYTHING we believe in. Family is sacred and lasts forever, not until the internet comes around and you can go trolling for sex.

 

I personally would like to know this man's membership number. He would be excommunicated for such actions if he were truly unrepentant. Not to publically shame him, but to show clearly that the church NEVER supports or encourages such behaviour. In fact, as a member it makes me sick.

 

Just for the record, 19 year old men routinely become Elders. It isn't a high office with vast amounts of power, it means he can do some special prayers and knock on your door as a missionary.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, thankyou so much for posting. You have confirmed my beliefs.

 

I didnt bother posting too many of them because it sounds slightly ott for people who havent had any dealings with the church or a lds. He was an elder in the Church and she also had/has an active role.

 

He was actually talking about leaving the church when we were making plans to have a life together. Though I have to stress his involvement would not have been a huge deal for me. I knew it meant a lot to him, but equally I feel he was ready to try and break away. He used to talk of sharing a bottle of wine lol, things that I take for granted.

 

My mum actually said that she believed thats where the legal advice would have come from. I wasnt sure simply because during the phonecall we had after he spoke to the bishop was when he said his wife would attack me if I wasnt careful. As the public naming and lies came that night and they filed the following day, I took this to mean the attack. He didnt say the church had advised her. But I dont know.

 

The one thing I did notice was the massive difference in how we communicated during the 10 days after dday and how he spoke to me the night after meeting his Bishop. In the ten days it was as tender as it could be, full of emotion; both of us checking that the other one was ok. The weekend before he saw the Bishop I believe they both spoke with the church (she was the one who told the chruch straight after dday) and his attitude shifted a little. But the night of the Bishop saw the biggest change of all. It was like talking to a different man. I remember mentioning this to my mum and friends; it felt like he had been indocrinated and all he was spouting was about repenting and how he would lose his children. It was just like he was repeating verbatim what he had been told to say. That the church will help him get back and wont turn their back on him. It was also the first time he mentioned blackmail. It was also after this night that the NC began.

 

He wasnt sure if he was going to be disfellowed or excommunicated and yes this would obviously have a huge impact on her. I think the chuch were by that point aware of everything; that being that he had had previous sexual relations during the course of his marriage, that he watched porn (another huge no no), masterbated and had this affair for four years,

Look when I say this people will think I am having a go at her and I am really not, it's just what I have come to learn. She takes her image and standing very seriously, professionally and within the religious community. A lot of it its a veneer and doesnt truly represent the reality, but the image is very important.

She is devout due to where she was raised, he (obviously) not so much so. I think they had a temple marriage and most of their shared friends are church members although he has a few mates who arent.

But thats what I didnt really understand. Why she told the bishop. I can only imagine it was a combination of wanting support and also that she felt a duty to disclose the information. Perhaps a little of wanting him to get his knuckles rapped too.

But the fallout from that must be huge. I'm not sure if they go anymore.

 

Yes I believed that the church had a role in what happened subsequently. The walls came down and the doors shut very quickly after that and I imagine a lot of that was based on guidance from the church.

 

Thankyou again for your insight and kind words.

 

If your xMM was raised in the church (I was not) he would have been often taught about how sacred and special family was. He has been doing very shameful things behind his wife's back for years now, of course a meeting with the Bishop would prompt the Bishop to tell him in no uncertain terms: Pick where you are going if it is to your family, then get back to them and get working on yourself, if it is to your girlfriend then you clearly do not believe what we believe and you should live your life accordingly.

 

(Now bear in mind I was not raised in the church and did not join until my 20s). I did not go on a mission, no one brainwashed me or blackmailed me to go, I have always valued the family I found there but also know that people make a lot of uneducated assumptions about the church from being on the outside (like they think that LDS Mormons are polygamous).

 

I sincerely doubt that the Bishop would recommend your xMM simply accuse you of blackmail and get an RO. Your xMM must have been playing the drama and denial game. The most the Bishop would have recommended having done to you if all of the facts that you present are true is to end it and cut off all contact with you. Maybe pray for you and hope that your life becomes better etc.

 

As for why the BS told the Bishop: it is called triangulating, often when the BS finds her world falling apart she goes where she can find any support to bring her WS back in line. Where better then the church that supports marriage.

 

My husband and I have both talked to our Bishop when times were tough. We talked about his infidelity too. Not an unheard of reason to go see him.

 

Your xMM and his wife made their choices. He probably felt a LOT of shame when he met with the Bishop, this is his peer who would know in and out how a member commits to live when they join and live in the church. This is not some vast Mormon conspiracy against you.

 

Hopefully you never become involved with a MM ever again.

[thissecretgirl]

WTH? Aside from my swearing streak, I am a Mormon and clearly you haven't read up on the teachings and practise of the church. This man's actions are contrary to EVERYTHING we believe in. Family is sacred and lasts forever, not until the internet comes around and you can go trolling for sex.

 

I personally would like to know this man's membership number. He would be excommunicated for such actions if he were truly unrepentant. Not to publically shame him, but to show clearly that the church NEVER supports or encourages such behaviour. In fact, as a member it makes me sick.

 

Just for the record, 19 year old men routinely become Elders. It isn't a high office with vast amounts of power, it means he can do some special prayers and knock on your door as a missionary.

 

In his case he is 39 and was rasied in the religion and went on a mission when he was younger. He taught at church too. i know it sounds a bit daft really but I used to feel very proud of him.

 

I dont know whether he has be excommunicated or disfellowed or whether his history has merely been overlooked.

[thissecretgirl]

If your xMM was raised in the church (I was not) he would have been often taught about how sacred and special family was. He has been doing very shameful things behind his wife's back for years now, of course a meeting with the Bishop would prompt the Bishop to tell him in no uncertain terms: Pick where you are going if it is to your family, then get back to them and get working on yourself, if it is to your girlfriend then you clearly do not believe what we believe and you should live your life accordingly.

 

(Now bear in mind I was not raised in the church and did not join until my 20s). I did not go on a mission, no one brainwashed me or blackmailed me to go, I have always valued the family I found there but also know that people make a lot of uneducated assumptions about the church from being on the outside (like they think that LDS Mormons are polygamous).

 

I sincerely doubt that the Bishop would recommend your xMM simply accuse you of blackmail and get an RO. Your xMM must have been playing the drama and denial game. The most the Bishop would have recommended having done to you if all of the facts that you present are true is to end it and cut off all contact with you. Maybe pray for you and hope that your life becomes better etc.

 

As for why the BS told the Bishop: it is called triangulating, often when the BS finds her world falling apart she goes where she can find any support to bring her WS back in line. Where better then the church that supports marriage.

 

My husband and I have both talked to our Bishop when times were tough. We talked about his infidelity too. Not an unheard of reason to go see him.

 

Your xMM and his wife made their choices. He probably felt a LOT of shame when he met with the Bishop, this is his peer who would know in and out how a member commits to live when they join and live in the church. This is not some vast Mormon conspiracy against you.

 

Hopefully you never become involved with a MM ever again.

 

Yes, he knew how important family was and in eternal marriage and family. Thats why deciding and declaring he chose me over his wife was such a huge deal to him. It would be to anyone, but his beliefs added to this.

 

i know that Mormons arent polyamorous, thats the Flds.

 

As for the Bishop I dont know his role. I do know that most of the drama and painting me in that light would have come from my ex, as this was his escape route.

 

I understand on one hand why she would engage the bishop; peer pressure and a bid to talk 'sense' into him, on the otherhand if it results in his excommunication and the shame of not going to church I dont.

But then i guess I dont need to.

 

As for getting involved with a MM again, I think have already said it was not something I ever aspired to do. Not many of the AP I know or have read about actively seek MM out.

 

Hopefully the married mormon will change his outlook too....that or his religion and his marital status.

[Mary-Jane]

Just read this thread, wanted to say I really feel your pain. Please try and be strong because pain will get easier and with time you will see clearer that this is not what you need in your life. This man is not monogamous he would not change ever so it's best to leave them both in the past where they belong, preserve what's left of dignity and, hopefully, soon meet somebody who could share your values and would be able to have a healthy relationship with you and with you only. (((hugs))))

[thissecretgirl]

Just read this thread, wanted to say I really feel your pain. Please try and be strong because pain will get easier and with time you will see clearer that this is not what you need in your life. This man is not monogamous he would not change ever so it's best to leave them both in the past where they belong, preserve what's left of dignity and, hopefully, soon meet somebody who could share your values and would be able to have a healthy relationship with you and with you only. (((hugs))))

 

Thankyou Mary-Jane I appreciate that

[Nyx]

I just wanted to add my twopennyworth thissecretgirl.

 

I understand, at least partially, the dynamic you shared with your MM. When a D/s relationship is 'right' they evolve quickly. I think that's because there is no middle ground. If you merely half trust your Dom, the relationship will invaribly fizzle out and die. You have to trust him almost unreservedly in order to create the deep emotional bond that's required to continue. There's the rub. You trust him to never harm you, even if he physically hurts you (you understand). That takes an enormous amount of confidence in your partner, the sort of confidence you might not have in someone in a non D/s relationship, or not as quicly. You're saying to him I'm giving you my body because I trust you with it. You trust him to protect your body and with that you trust him to protect your soul.

 

He had control and I expect you don't give to someone unless you believe he will cherish, and protect your physical and emotional well-being.

 

I think this can make the ending harder to come to terms with. These sort of relationships do have a habit of ending almost as quickly as they began, but when they do it is devastating.

 

I wish you the best of luck

[thissecretgirl]

I just wanted to add my twopennyworth thissecretgirl.

 

I understand, at least partially, the dynamic you shared with your MM. When a D/s relationship is 'right' they evolve quickly. I think that's because there is no middle ground. If you merely half trust your Dom, the relationship will invaribly fizzle out and die. You have to trust him almost unreservedly in order to create the deep emotional bond that's required to continue. There's the rub. You trust him to never harm you, even if he physically hurts you (you understand). That takes an enormous amount of confidence in your partner, the sort of confidence you might not have in someone in a non D/s relationship, or not as quicly. You're saying to him I'm giving you my body because I trust you with it. You trust him to protect your body and with that you trust him to protect your soul.

 

He had control and I expect you don't give to someone unless you believe he will cherish, and protect your physical and emotional well-being.

 

I think this can make the ending harder to come to terms with. These sort of relationships do have a habit of ending almost as quickly as they began, but when they do it is devastating.

 

I wish you the best of luck

 

Thankyou Nyx, you obviously understand the dynamic very well. Yes I learned to trust him implicitly both with my physical and emotional well being. After my own divorce from my nilla relationship that was a feat in itself.

Our bond was very strong as is often the case in D/s and I agree that the dynamic in these relationships can often make the end devastating; doubly so when you feel the one you place your trust in throws you under in the proverbial bus.

I think part of the reason it went the way it did was that at the end we were both under stress about how being together full time would play out that he felt I tried to take control. I did issue a time ultimatum and the thing about my ex Dom is, as with all Doms he wanted to be in control of when and how the decision to leave was made and delivered.