thoughts !!

[Vodka]

I will try to make this as short as possible. I met online a guy back in August. He currently lives in the city I grew up and was raised in. My whole family lives there and I live about 5 hours away. We finally met the end of October and it went ok. I was very nervous but he seemed to like me. He came back this past week and stayed all week long. We normally text throughout the day and talk on the phone at least a couple times a week.

 

I will admit that I am a loner generally, so someone staying with me for that long was a challenge. Because of this I would often send him away to his friends houses saying I needed time alone. I think we only went out to dinner once. So, he probably spent 3-400.00 coming to see me, and I was admittedly very rude. Over the course of the week though, I realized that I do like him, and I was getting better as time went on. I think a big part of the problem is that we don't live close so havent gotten to hang out much. We do not have a large amount of things in common, but I am willing to learn the things he is interested in. It is not that I'm NOT interested in them, I just have no experience in them. Other than that, we seem to get along reasonably well.

 

Just to add he is also in the military, and he will be leaving beginning of January for 4-5 months training.

 

I could tell something was wrong as he got home. I told him that I was trying to be more friendly with him and tell him what I want. He asked me what I want and I said eventually to have a boyfriend but that there was no rush on that. I said that I want to grow to care for him and become interested in what he is into and that I like him and want to see him again. His texts were still short but they were friendly. He just wasnt acting like himself and I worry a lot when I know something is wrong. He told me after I texted him the above that he needed time to think about things...

 

So, I talked to him last night. He was kind of short on the phone with me until I apologized for being rude to him and explained that I did want to see him again. I told him how I acted when he was here is not how I normally am. He asked me why I think that is. I said it is because whenever someone wants to get close to me, I run. My friend even told me that I do it all the time and that I need to grow up or I will be forever alone. I didnt realize I do it that much until now. I explained to him that I feel really bad about how everything went.

 

I said that I don't know what he thought, but that I thought we should keep it fun and just hang out until he leaves. I said I wanted to clarify that I didnt want a boyfriend right now, especially before he goes away for 5 months. He knows of my plan to move back to my hometown which is where he lives and he asked if right this second he told me that he didnt want to talk to me anymore, would I still move. I answered right away yes (I miss my family- I am all alone here) and I am assuming he wants to make sure I am not moving for him.

 

I told him that I didn't want to see other people while he was gone and how did he feel about that (giving him opportunity to say it was ok to see other people) and he said no, that he feels the same way. (I know if he is going to bang someone while he is gone, he is going to bang them, but whatever)

 

I asked him what he thought when he said he needed time to think, and he said he was thinking that it would be best if we were not in a relationship right now, but that it might work down the road (once I move and we hang out more I am assuming). I asked if there was any particular reason for not being in a relationship right now and he said he just feels we wouldn't be ready for it by the time he leaves. It is pretty much one month before he leaves for 4-5 months.

 

He was sort of planning to go to a different province for Xmas but has now basically said he will be coming to where I live over the holidays. He even started talking about when I move, getting a place and renting with him. And, that he was thinking of opening a business and maybe I could help him start and run it? So, I don't get if he sees a relationship in the future or not? But why bring that up if you dont?

 

The conversation ended well, and he texted me before work this morning and said 'have a good day sweetheart'.

 

I guess I just want to hear other peoples' thoughts on this situation. I know probably nothing can come of this if we live 5 hours apart. I dont want to rush anything, and i know that one month before he leaves is too little time to get to know each other for anything serious, especially before he goes away. I would like to know if you think he is in this just for sex or what? You would think if it was just for sex, he wouldn't have spent $400 per each his 2 visits to come see me and would just find someone closer to him. Also, why talk about renting a place together when I move if its just sex? And, I gave him the option of telling me to see other people while he is gone (and vice versa) and he said no to that.

 

What do you think? Is he not interested in me, or was he just put off by my behavior when he visited?

[folieadeux]

You're only five hours apart; that is very doable and I wouldn't let that be the deciding factor. The biggest problem I see here is the disparity with regard to your interest levels. He seems more into this than you. Sounds like you two would just be better off as friends.

 

The thing that struck me the most from your post is that you stated you wanted to grow to eventually care for him. It doesn't quite work like that, in my opinion. You either feel a certain way about him or you don't...it's one of the most natural and involuntary feelings in the world.

 

I could be way off here, but just from the way you worded things, it almost sounds as if you're forcing a feeling that isn't quite there on your part.

 

He's probably pissed that you sent him off to a friend's house during his visit. But I wouldn't really be questioning his mindset right now. Sounds to me like you need to decide what YOU want out of this more than anything else.

Edited December 2, 2010 by folieadeux

[Vodka]

What I meant by grow to care for him was grow to care for him deeply. He knows it takes me awhile to open up to someone, so thats what I meant by that. He told me towards the end of the trip I was getting better with showing him how I felt.

 

I guess I just need to relax and see how it goes. Should I bring my concerns up to him or just see him at Xmas time and see how it goes?

 

I did consider that after spending time with me he lost interest, but then why would he continue to talk me and say the things he has said about me moving and such?

[folieadeux]

What I meant by grow to care for him was grow to care for him deeply. He knows it takes me awhile to open up to someone, so thats what I meant by that. He told me towards the end of the trip I was getting better with showing him how I felt.

 

I guess I just need to relax and see how it goes. Should I bring my concerns up to him or just see him at Xmas time and see how it goes?

 

I did consider that after spending time with me he lost interest, but then why would he continue to talk me and say the things he has said about me moving and such?

 

I would just see how it goes until Christmas. It sounds like you need some more time to figure things out and this time will allow you to do just that. Depending on how the visit goes, then you can address any concerns you may still have. Who knows? They may be non-existent by then. Things have a funny way of working themselves out sometimes.

 

I think that perhaps he feels comfortable bringing up the idea of you moving is because you wouldn't really be relocating just for him. If I read your OP correctly, it seems as if you moved away from an area you were really familiar with, complete with your friends and family. It's obvious he wants you to move back home to explore a future with you, but it is possible that he's also looking out for what's in your best interest as well, independent of your relationship together.

[Vodka]

So, from what I have described you think it sounds like he has more interest in me than just friends or just sex?

[Vodka]

Is there a reason that he doesn't really initiate a conversation anymore? I know that when he got home he was very short with his texts because he was upset about the way he I treated him when he was here. We used to text literally all day when we first started talking. The last 2 nights it has taken him 3-5 hours to respond to a text. We did talk on the phone the night before last, and he called last night, but only because I mentioned that I feel like an inconvenience because I initiate everything. It wasnt like that before. Is this just a natural progression or could he be losing interest? He did say he was napping those times it took him a long time to respond, so I dont know.

 

Also, last night on the phone he mentioned wanting me to come and visit him and said that he and I should go visit my sister, which I thought was odd, he has never met my sister.

 

It's like, his words say one thing, but his lack of texting tells me another thing?? If someone didnt text me much, I would assume they didnt like me. I think because it is the only thing we have right now (main form of communication) I feel I need it more than he does, I guess? His words tell me he wants some form of relationship. Last night he was telling me eventually he will start opening up and tell me about his past. Why say this to someone you are interested in only having sex with?

[madjac74]

To answer your main concern about it being just for sex. NO! Nobody deals with an LDR or spends $400 just to go get some tail when they can get it locally for probably a few drinks ($8). Unless you have some really special vagina that has never been seen before, he likes you for other reasons. And the fact that he wants to meet your sister confirms he wants you to let him in your life more. Thats beyond just sex

[folieadeux]

He definitely has as interest in you beyond friendship and for more than just sex. As Madjac stated, he wouldn't be investing all this time and effort into an LDR with you when he could just get laid locally, if it was just about that. The fact that he wants to meet your sister is definitely a good sign too. This means he wants to actually be a part of your life.

 

I wouldn't stress the whole you seeming to initiate contact more right now thing either. These little shifts in communication happen all the time for various reasons. Some people have varying degrees of communication too...you guys will just have to sort that out as you decide where you want things to go.

 

Like I stated in my previous posts, I'm really not questioning his feelings from what you've described so far. It seems to me that you need to think things through a bit more (and that's totally understandable).

[creighton0123]

Guy sounds like he has quite a bit on his mind. Never forget that, especially in the beginning, you're not the only one here facing a daunting task of a romantic relationship, long distance or not.

 

I'd say avoid serious conversations over text message. Text's are nice, but no replacement for voice, video, or in person conversation. Serious conversations over text/IM can cause a significant amount of "lost in translation" moments.

 

You also mentioned having loner tendencies. Is that life-long, or situation based? Perhaps you could focus on that a bit in his absence. What is it that gave you an immediate need for alone time enough to send him away when he came to visit you?

[Vodka]

An update on this situation. He came over to where I live over Christmas. We didn't get to spend that much time together what with him visiting friends and family before he goes away for the 5 months, but 3/7 nights isn't bad I guess.

 

I am still confused as to what he wants, but he still seems interested in me. I no longer think it is just about sex, but still am unsure about what he wants. It is also difficult for him to commit to anything just before going away, so I guess I understand that. I am going over in a week to spend a week with my family, so he said he will have lots of time to spend with me then.

 

Here are some of the things that he has said that makes me think he is still interested in me for more than a friend (keep in mind he is going away for 5 months and I won't see him at all):

 

-He said that not seeing anyone else (both of us) while he was gone sounded like a good idea

 

-He asked if I wanted to meet his aunt (both parents are passed away) and told me her name, where she worked and said I should go in and talk to her sometime

 

-Wants to come over to my parents place when I go home, even though he knows he will likely have to meet my Mom

 

-Tells his friends about me

 

-He told me that he really likes me

 

-He always tells me (because I don't have much experience being in a relationship) that ''this is what people do in a relationship'' or he will say ''you should do this more because in a relationship, I really like this''

 

-He said he can probably help me get free counselling sessions through his job (I just have some issues I would like to talk to someone about but cannot afford it)

 

-That I will possibly meet his friends someday

 

-He showed me photos of his family and told me all about them

 

-He told me something that he has said he has only told one other person in the world before

 

-He wants me to write him actual letters while he is gone for his military training, and mentioned me making him cookies to send

 

Would someone who is not interested in you for more than a friend tell you all of this? Especially before going away? If he wasnt interested, wouldnt he just let me go before leaving? There would be no reason to string me along?

 

I guess I am just nervous that he doesn't feel the same way I do, or that he will come back and only want to be friends. This is the text conversation we had last night (keep in mind I regularly overreact to things he says and read into them a lot, when what he has said is really not what he meant at all):

 

Me: Do you think we should just be friends?

 

Him: Perhaps until I get back that would make sense.

 

Me: Um

Me: So you have no interest in me past friends?

 

Him: Ugh, is that even close to what I said?

 

What do you guys make from this? My friend has told me it means just what it says, and that nothing has changed. That he still likes me and thinks it should remain how we are until he gets back. I basically took it as he has no interest in me.

 

Thoughts?

[folieadeux]

Sounds like he has an interest in you but is hesitant to start anything until he gets back officially. You both already agreed that you wouldn't see other people in the meantime so as long as you're both okay with fulfilling your end of the bargain, you'll just have to wait and see once he returns.

[Vodka]

Thank you for replying. Somehow you always calm me down when you reply to my posts. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I have to realize that I cannot control every situation in my life and that I am going to have to learn to just wait this one out and see what happens.

 

It is kind of funny, he doesn't want to commit to anything until he gets back for whatever reason, and I am the opposite. I want to know I am not waiting around for nothing.

 

I guess the fact that he has agreed to not see anyone else is a good thing though. He is really against cheating so I don't know if he will or not, but I guess it is a nice thing he has said he wont.

[folieadeux]

Thank you for replying. Somehow you always calm me down when you reply to my posts. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I have to realize that I cannot control every situation in my life and that I am going to have to learn to just wait this one out and see what happens.

 

It is kind of funny, he doesn't want to commit to anything until he gets back for whatever reason, and I am the opposite. I want to know I am not waiting around for nothing.

 

I guess the fact that he has agreed to not see anyone else is a good thing though. He is really against cheating so I don't know if he will or not, but I guess it is a nice thing he has said he wont.

 

No problem, glad I can help. I find posting here definitely calms me down; I know all too well how it is.

 

I think it's a good sign that he wants to be exclusive during this time. He probably just wants to wait until he can devote his time to you in person. From everything you've posted, he sounds like a really good guy.

[Vodka]

So, you don't think he is leading me on at all?

 

Also, when you read the text he sent (Perhaps until I get back that would make sense) in regards to being just friends, do you read that as it could become more when he returns? When I initially read it I was really upset, then my friend told me to calm down and it probably means nothing more than what it says.

 

He seemed a little offended or mad that I took it the way that he did not mean it to be.

[Vodka]

Update:

 

I went home to visit my family this last week and spent 4 nights with him. I think it went well but of course too fast. He was busy much of the time running around getting things ready as he is leaving tomorrow.

 

I'll throw out some of the things that were said to see if you guys think anything has changed:

 

- said he talked to another friend about me

-told me there was really nothing for me where I am living and I should move back to where he lives

-jokingly said he should teach me how to polish his boots as it could come in handy (I just thought this was cute)

-went through a box of old photos and cards and showed it all to me (to me, this shows someone letting you into their life a bit more)

-told me I should get on some form of birth control so my body has enough time to adjust to it for when he gets back

-promised me he would see me again when he gets back and said he has not broken a promise since he was 13 years old

 

This is the confusing part to me though- (if you remember his text stating we should be friends until he gets back)

 

-I said it was sad he was leaving and he said that the past 2 of his relationships had a LDR aspect to them, and that it was going to be fine, he was used to it

 

-told me that he liked me and wouldnt spend as much time with me as he does if he didnt

 

-We had gone to get food and go back to his place and I was like this is all we are doing tonite. He said yes, and watch a movie...this is what couples do

 

-He made me stand naked in front of him. I have terrible body image issues and he was trying to make me feel more comfortable and show me he liked looking at me. I kept trying to pull him to me so he couldn't see and he told me I had to keep my arms down and away from him. I couldn't do it, and this frustrated him. He said to me that if I wanted him to stay in the relationship, I had to work on this issue I have. He said that it wasn't a threat that he was going to leave me, but wanted me to know I had to work on it.

 

The confusing part is, why tell me we are just friends until you get back, and then mention the relationship stuff? It's just confusing.

 

He leaves tomorrow for the 4 months and I cried. He told me to be a big girl and to stop crying, that he liked me and promised we would see each other again. I said it may not be the same and he said he was going to try to keep it that way

 

I have no reason to think he is lying to me. Id already given him an out before, and I see no reason to make an agreement to not sleep with anyone else if you could easily just stay friends with the person and have sex with randoms in the town you are staying in. Why string me along for 4 months?

 

I guess him being gone now will be just like when we are apart the other times, only difference is I wont be able to see him each month. I guess I should just keep trust in him, and trust that he would end it if he didnt feel it could ever go anywhere.

[Romance]

I am 5 hrs from my bf and we have a great relationship. we've gotten to know each other through texts and phone calls and visits as much as possible.

 

however, a military relationship will be much harder and you dont sound too emotionally invested in him. I'd let him go, personally.

[Faded_x]

Update:

The confusing part is, why tell me we are just friends until you get back, and then mention the relationship stuff? It's just confusing.

 

I do get why you're confused, but seriously, you are in a relationship. Granted, it's not a proper romantic one yet; but it looks like it could be on the way there. The two of you talked about being exclusive; have you ever been exclusive with any of your friends? Of course not, because being exclusive is something you do with someone you're in a relationship with. I don't think the "friends" stuff should be taken literally to mean something platonic. It's just that the two of you haven't yet reached the level of being boyfriend and girlfriend. And I can understand why. You said you don't feel like you've spent enough time together, and that you have difficulties letting others in. While he's away, try to work on yourself a bit. Not for him, but for you. When he gets back, the two of you can take it from there and see how you go.

[folieadeux]

Sounds like this most recent visit went the same as the others. You are indeed in a relationship, just without the title. You just have to ask yourself if this is something you really want and can be comfortable with when he's away. Just be honest with yourself. If you don't think you can wait for him to make things "official", then it's best you let him know as soon as possible.

[Vodka]

Yeah, he has said that before, too. That we aren't bf/gf yet, but that he wouldn't introduce me to someone as a 'friend'.

 

It is going to be really hard on me I think, him being gone for this long. Sometimes I am positive about it and I think about all the nice things he has said to me and think to myself well, 4 months isn't THAT long. Other times I am sad and negative and twist all his words and then 4 months becomes an eternity. I think from everything I know so far, he is a really good person and I would be stupid to end it and not be able to wait 4 months.

 

I would say I am emotionally invested as much as I can be at this point. I was a little surprised he didn't seem to think leaving was a big deal. I thought maybe that means he isn't that into me, but again, why string someone along for 4 months if you aren't interested.

 

I am going to spend these 4 months getting myself in shape. 4 months is a decent amount of time to lose some fat and I could definitely stand to do that!

 

Basically, I need help coming up with a line I can say to myself that will remind me he likes me, or that will remind me he is coming back and will see me. Something I can think about every time I start obsessing over thinking about the things he has said. Can anyone help?

Edited January 9, 2011 by Vodka

[folieadeux]

Yeah, he has said that before, too. That we aren't bf/gf yet, but that he wouldn't introduce me to someone as a 'friend'.

 

It is going to be really hard on me I think, him being gone for this long. Sometimes I am positive about it and I think about all the nice things he has said to me and think to myself well, 4 months isn't THAT long. Other times I am sad and negative and twist all his words and then 4 months becomes an eternity.

 

I would say I am emotionally invested as much as I can be at this point. I was a little surprised he didn't seem to think leaving was a big deal. I thought maybe that means he isn't that into me, but again, why string someone along for 4 months if you aren't interested.

 

I am going to spend these 4 months getting myself in shape. 4 months is a decent amount of time to lose some fat and I could definitely stand to do that!

 

Basically, I need help coming up with a line I can say to myself that will remind me he likes me, or that will remind me he is coming back and will see me. Something I can think about every time I start obsessing over thinking about the things he has said. Can anyone help?

 

Some people just express certain things differently, I wouldn't place so much emphasis on that part of things. It's clear even without the title, that you both are already emotionally invested in this relationship with each other.

 

I think the biggest thing that will help you get through this is what he does (anything that he's able to do as far as contact goes). And on days when it all gets to be too much, talk to friends, family...post here.

 

Having that support is what really gets me through.

[Vodka]

Yeah the contact thing is what I am concerned about. Obviously I know he is training and won't be able to talk much, and he does feel that texting is stupid. I just hope he realizes that even if he hates it, it would make me feel good if he texted me now and again. Another stupid thing is that there is a 4 hour time difference between us, which will make it a little harder.

[folieadeux]

Yeah the contact thing is what I am concerned about. Obviously I know he is training and won't be able to talk much, and he does feel that texting is stupid. I just hope he realizes that even if he hates it, it would make me feel good if he texted me now and again. Another stupid thing is that there is a 4 hour time difference between us, which will make it a little harder.

 

The time difference will be hard, but I think the biggest thing you have to prepare yourself for is the fact that his absences will be long. You may go days or weeks without contact, but you need to try not to take it to heart. It's not because he doesn't want to talk to you, he just may not be able to contact anyone at the time.

[Vodka]

Do you think also he could see this separation as a 'test' to my faithfulness or something like that? Maybe he thinks it will be too hard on me and I will find someone else?

 

He did say before that he understands if I cant wait for him and that he just wants me to be happy. (of course I took that as he didnt want me to wait for him and he doesnt like me that much )

[folieadeux]

Do you think also he could see this separation as a 'test' to my faithfulness or something like that? Maybe he thinks it will be too hard on me and I will find someone else?

 

He did say before that he understands if I cant wait for him and that he just wants me to be happy. (of course I took that as he didnt want me to wait for him and he doesnt like me that much )

 

It's very possible that in his mind he may be using this separation as a trial run if you will...for you both.

 

Like I said, you two are already in a relationship without the title anyway. If you just go along as you have been, everything will be fine. I really feel the comment he made was just looking out for your best interest; he sounds like a good guy that's going into this genuinely.

[Vodka]

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it. I know I often repeat myself, but I'm just so confused sometimes.

 

I guess I can only trust him in what he says and believe we will see each other again. From everything he has said, we will, and it sounds like the plan is to just start it from where it left off. He also left me some of his DVD's from a show he watches, so I assume he has to see me to get those back anyways

 

I find writing my thoughts down in a journal helps. I am going to really try to work through this, as I want something to happen with him. I guess I should take solice in the fact that he told me he had met another girl before me. He dated her for 2 weeks and he felt things werent working so he ended it with her. I would assume if he felt nothing he wouldnt travel all this way and spend all this time and money to see me, he would just end it like he did with her?