thoughts !!

[Vodka]

Everything is going pretty well. I am trying to text less, and worry less. If I do text, it is how was your day? or asking him some light questions. He replies when he can and says right now he is super busy. I understand that. He still mentioned me going on birth control so if there any issues, I can get it resolved before he gets back. Some might see this as selfish on his part, but I know he cares about me and this is sort of a way for me to see he intends on seeing me when he gets back. How have you guys been?

[folieadeux]

Everything is going pretty well. I am trying to text less, and worry less. If I do text, it is how was your day? or asking him some light questions. He replies when he can and says right now he is super busy. I understand that. He still mentioned me going on birth control so if there any issues, I can get it resolved before he gets back. Some might see this as selfish on his part, but I know he cares about me and this is sort of a way for me to see he intends on seeing me when he gets back. How have you guys been?

 

Glad to hear everything is going well.

 

I think it's a smart thing to discuss birth control before his return. If you're having sex, it's both people's responsibility to ensure you're being safe about it.

[Vodka]

Im feeling kind of bummed today. Ive accepted the fact he doesnt like texting. Fine, whatever. But he replies and is nice and says some things that let me know or make me think he plans on seeing me when he gets back. Then, i tell one of my friends the situation and of course their opinion is negative and they tell me it sounds like he doesnt know what he wants and this and that. So hearing this brings me down and makes me start thinking negative things towards him. I guess i have to keep in my head that if he didnt like or want to see me when he gets back he would tell me so. He wouldnt say the things he says to me and he wouldnt bother replying to me at all. Almost 1 month down. Almost!

[folieadeux]

Im feeling kind of bummed today. Ive accepted the fact he doesnt like texting. Fine, whatever. But he replies and is nice and says some things that let me know or make me think he plans on seeing me when he gets back. Then, i tell one of my friends the situation and of course their opinion is negative and they tell me it sounds like he doesnt know what he wants and this and that. So hearing this brings me down and makes me start thinking negative things towards him. I guess i have to keep in my head that if he didnt like or want to see me when he gets back he would tell me so. He wouldnt say the things he says to me and he wouldnt bother replying to me at all. Almost 1 month down. Almost!

 

I stand by what I said in a previous post...LDR's get a bad rep. I'd stay clear of getting advice from anyone unless you know they're going to be a source of support for you. You definitely don't need the negativity around.

[Vodka]

Thanks for replying. You have been more support to me than most of my friends have been! I think this whole situation will either make me go insane, or it will be good for me and i will learn to trust him more He is away this weekend at some gaming tournament so I will try not texting him until he texts me. Less seems to be more in this 'relationship' we have. Who knows what will come of this upon his return, but i would like to thinks that something will.

[MissKnowitall]

I read through your thread and had some thoughts for you both as an insecure person myself and as someone in a LDR...

 

When we are insecure, we tend to sabotage good things. We think we aren't 'worth it' but realize that thinking those negative thoughts calls into question your BF's judgement. Why would he chose someone who isnt as AWESOME as you? Give him some credit! If you continue on the insecure path, you will lose him.

 

He said it clearly: you don't trust him. Your texts and focus on the relationship are telling him that and put yourself in his position.

 

Also, ENJOY this! Don't overthink, keep it light and fun.. something he will WANT to respond to and miss, not some gloomy insecure person who needs constant validation.

 

Again, I say this because I tend to do the same thing.

 

LDR are very tough but if you are going to overanalyze every little message or word, then a LDR isn't for you. I agree with the person who said that texting is best for very casual interactions, not talks about the relationship.

 

Get out and keep your mind off of him. You are starting to sound a bit obsessive and that isn't good either.

 

Have faith in him, if he wasn't into you, he wouldn't be keeping in touch or discussing things. He likes you a lot but you gotta chilllllllll.

[Vodka]

Thank you MissKnowItAll!

 

I tried to look for a way to send you a PM, but I couldnt find it. Do you have a way to contact you privately?

[MissKnowitall]

Sure.. there is no pm on this board? weird.

[folieadeux]

You can PM on here; you just both have to reach a certain number of posts.

[Vodka]

I just want to thank everyone who has replied for their support

[Vodka]

Do you guys think it sounds at all like he doesnt want to commit to me/anything? If so, is this normal? Are him and I at a point in this that we should be committing (bf and gf) or do you think it is still too early for that?

[Vodka]

Just a small update:

 

I have been much more relaxed and we have been communicating when possible.

 

The other night he told me he had to go to the hospital the next day for some small medical problem. I asked him if he needed anything mailed to him and he replied: ''nope, I have everything I need here but you '' A little corny I guess, but he didn't have to say it.

 

Then the night after that, he called but unfortunately I missed the call. So, at least he called!

 

Tomorrow is both of our birthdays. I am hoping he remembers to at least say happy birthday. I mailed a card out to him last week.

[folieadeux]

Just a small update:

 

I have been much more relaxed and we have been communicating when possible.

 

The other night he told me he had to go to the hospital the next day for some small medical problem. I asked him if he needed anything mailed to him and he replied: ''nope, I have everything I need here but you '' A little corny I guess, but he didn't have to say it.

 

Then the night after that, he called but unfortunately I missed the call. So, at least he called!

 

Tomorrow is both of our birthdays. I am hoping he remembers to at least say happy birthday. I mailed a card out to him last week.

 

Glad to hear you're relaxing more; things really do go alot smoothly when you do. I hope he's okay and that you both have very happy birthdays.

[Vodka]

Ok so I am pissed. I come home and check my phone. No text, no phone call, no email saying happy birthday. WE BOTH HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY, so he didnt just forget!

 

I sent him a card, which he got, that cost me $40 to send to him and I get what? All I wanted was a simple text saying it!

 

So I send him a text saying happy birthday, and about 30 mins later I get a phone call from him. I didn't answer it, and I got a voicemail saying happy birthday sweetheart!

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!?!? I am sure he only tried calling because I said something first!! I am so annoyed right now. Am I overreacting?

 

We texted for a little bit after his call, then I told him I was annoyed and that I would see him later. He asked why I was annoyed but I just said forget it.

 

Should I bring this up at a later date? Keep in mind we are not officially in a relationship...well, you guys know the story! It's not even like he was doing anything today except playing board games with his friends. I cannot say for sure he wouldn't have called me on his own. It just wouldn't make sense to call me on his own accord 3 days ago, and then not call me on my birthday? Should I go MIA for a couple days so I have time to cool off? My first instinct is to freak out, as you know, so I tried my best to remain calm tonite and tell him I would talk to him later.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Vodka

[Janicee]

Volka, it seems that you are not in a balanced or mutually committed relationship. I don't feel you are overreacting if you think that it is already a relationship. Anyhow, I dont think he sees this a relationship so far. He takes it casual and has not committed to it. In this sense, you had better stepped:bunny: back a bit and protect your heart. See it lighter as friends so that you will not freak out at moments.

[Vodka]

It isn't technically a relationship right now in the sense of bf/gf. Basically, we are dating and not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't expect people who have met in the time frame we have to have a bf/gf relationship, so I understand where we are at the time we are. That being said, I am learning to not freak out. Like tonite, I felt myself getting upset and I removed myself from the situation instead of lashing out at him. Now that it has been awhile, I can see that I may have overreacted. He is a different person than me. He may not see birthdays as a big deal, he may have been busy, he may have forgotten, he may have planned to call me when I got home from work but I just beat him to it...technically we are supposed to be 'friends' right now while he is away but not see other people, then I guess see where it goes when he gets back.

 

He may see us as casual, but then why go on and on about the things he has said? even just a few days ago he was saying some really nice things and still intends to see me when he gets back. I guess for now while he is away we are doing the best we can. He has agreed to not see other people and so have I, so I can only use this time to learn more about him, work on myself and show him that I can be normal! He could also be hesitant to really open up as he is still gone for 3 months and there could always be the possibility in his mind that I will break and find someone closer to home (easier and available or whatever). I would say for technicality sake we are both committed to this the same? Or at least we are at the same level.

 

Folieadeux, your thoughts?! Overreacting? Not into me?

Edited February 14, 2011 by Vodka

[Janicee]

To me, compatibility comes from two persons who feel the needs of each others and do the best to help each others to feel secure and beloved. Some lovers enjoy talking over even very tiny things whilst others may need space for each others. But to the extent that if you need more confirmation than he can offer, you will often be at a deficit and insecure state with running thoughts and difficult moments. See if you feel it worthwhile to give this relationship when seeing it clear that he is :bunny:carrying different characters as you do!

 

I wish you best of luck!

[Vodka]

Ive decided to let it go. Its not worth causing problems between us and stressing me out. He still texts and calls and says the thing he does she he must still like me at least to some degree.

[folieadeux]

Unfortuantely, I think you have to let this one go (however frustrating). He did end up getting in touch with you, so you really can't expect anything more. Whether or not he would have had you not initiated no one can say.

 

Next time he asks you what's wrong though, I would be honest and tell him upfront. It allows you both to either work things out quickly or for you to decide to move on.

[Vodka]

Thanks!

 

From the last little updates, do you think it sounds like he is any less interested in me?

[folieadeux]

No problem

 

It doesn't sound like he's acting any differently towards you...perhaps he's just getting a bit frustrated by your worrying. Like I said, whenever he is able to talk and is inviting you to tell him what's wrong, I would definitely go for it so you can get your issues resolved quickly rather than stew over everything for days.

[Vodka]

Well, Ive gone back and read our texts from awhile back and I have acted really crazy to him in the past, and he still stuck around, so there's no reason to think anything has changed now. Besides, he said he would tell me, so until that happens, I will just try to realize that we are technically not together, we are 4000 miles apart, we have another 3 months before he comes back and he has school work to do. All these things added up and I am sure we are bound to drift even just a bit if that ever happens. Ive really been much better about my not freaking out though towards him.

 

I am going to go on wednesday to buy a book regarding healthy relationships or bettering your self esteem, I haven't decided which one yet. Probably the self esteem book. I think this will help in the long run.

[Vodka]

Well, things are moving along. He tried calling me for my birthday and i didnt answer. The next day i sent him a text saying happy singles awareness day! No reply. I sent a couple more texts over the next 2 days with no reply. I didnt freak out, i just waited. Then he texted me saying how his phone has not been receiving texts so he had to reset it and he hadnt received my texts until then. He apologized and said he promised he wasnt ignoring me. I texted him the following day. No reply. Then no reply the day following that. I texted him yesterday to have a good weekend. I have to believe him about the phone. He has previously told me that he hasnt broken a promise since he was 13. Also i think if he wasnt still into talking to me he wouldnt have told me about his phone and promised he wasnt ignoring me. If he didnt care he wouldnt say anything at all. I havent been going crazy texting him about why i havent heard from him. I figure he is busy and will text me back when he can. I also still believe he wouldnt say the things he has said if he didnt plan to see me when he gets back. I guess all i can do at this point is wait and see. It is slightly annoying still that he hasnt texted but what can i do?

 

Thoughts?

Edited February 19, 2011 by Vodka

[Vodka]

I know no one is reading these anymore, but my venting on here is really helping. I'm much, much calmer and rational now. I use this as a source of venting because I have no one else to talk to about this yet. Only 3 more months!

[IfiKnewThen]

ok hi : )

 

i did read the first few pages of your post. i didnt read some of the pages of the middle of this thread, so i missed out on that.... and now i am here at the end. i hope its enough to formulate some thoughts and opinions that can help you.

 

first of all i relate. i used to be worried like you in a relationship once (they way you are worrying and analyzing..etc) and i too...had to grow to like this person i met in the old days. honestly when i first met this person (of my yesteryears) i really wasnt crazy about him..he was pursuing me. this was also a LDR but not nearly as close as your 5 hours . it was more miles than that .

 

anyway it's beyond true that you can "grow" to love a person and i have also found..the ones i put more time in learning to love (who werent initially my particular type), those were the ones that broke my heart. LOL. BUT do not fear... i tell my daughter now dont do anyone those favors (in getting to like them) that those favors can hurt you. ok i am digressing now sorry sorry. just wanted to state that you can absolutely grow to love someone and veryyyy deeply. a lot of us woman are wired like that. i mean there has rto be some amount of chemistry but most of it is formulated in the brain and over time.

 

but there was this guy and he was more demonstratively romantic than me (at the time) and even though he was even younger than me. he also knew more than me on some levels and was clearly less stressed than i was. he had more g/f's than i guess i had b/f's in the past too. he seemed romantic and smooth and charismatic. less rough and gruff than the guys i grew up with and he was also a bit of a geek..where i was used to blue collar workers.

 

since he was younger i was a bit insecure and since there was distance and since i had not been in the social seen a lot at the time i met him..there was definitely insecurity on my part. anyway...i was insecure about was i doing this right or that right or what did it mean that he didnt call me. i mean i was getting more reeled in to something i didnt want to be into to begin with. . and i fell hook line and sinker. but some things didnt sit right with me.

 

i dont think you have this problem..this guy sounds much better. (your guy)

 

just saying i relate on some levels. we had cultural or geographical differences too. he was a southerner i was a yankee.

 

anyway..i used to question too why isnt he calling its been a few hours (sighs now)..when he would be playing a game or soemthing. i had set thoughts i grew up with that man are supposed to do this or that.

 

anyway you talked about wanting to read relationship books. please go out and buy men are from mars and woman are from venus. you will learn how men are like rubber bands and pull back from time to time and have their cave time and can appreciate you more when they come out of it. rather that elaborate here...just see if you could get the book. it makes perfect sense. and sometimes we woman interpret that as..is he losing interest? it could help you discern when he is just being a guy or when your relationship might be in trouble. it talks about how the sexes react differently in a lot of ways. it helps to not take things personally or worry so much. its great to be on guard but not to the point where you make them feel like you have either no confidence in yourself or THEM.

 

it helps take some of the guess work out of things. also, most men like to pursue. you seem to initialize the texting a lot. all you really need to do is allow him to text you. dont worry about it. yep thats correct. and GO OUT and have fun. when he contacts you. act happy (well you will be) and show appreciation. not like saying "thank gOD YOU TEXT ME" LOL. but like say: "... hey so good to hear from you honey. i was out with my friends or shopping or cooking something good or whatever....(you get the point)..and you called at the perfect time. i can now say hi to you. : ) how are you? be upbeat and happy and busy but sound interested in him. let him talk ...and if you want to talk talk too. but not all about the relationship unless it truly warrants it.

 

he talks a lot about what he likes. and this is good . you get to know what he likes. but guys like to please US too. want to know what you like. and that they can accomplish making you happy and its not high maintenance. so when he pleases you..praise him or it or show deep appreciation and when he disappoints you...(you have to weigh it and chose your battles proper..as in priority) then let him know in a gentle loving way...you felt disappointed you didnt hear from him sooner about your birthday etc. if he is genuinely sorry. forgive him. these are basics in relationships that people forget or dont know.

 

he sounds like he is basically a nice guy looking for a girl with a good heart. but that he can get selfish or lazy at times or just plain distracted (maybe..dont really know). yikes ducking. why do i feel this?...i dont know. no solid reason at the moment. maybe the birthday. but you have to consider he is busy over there and they have schedules and rules. maybe its my own bad luck that i had with my man of yesteryear...when i was just learning things...(sort of). but you can keep him on his toes by allowing him to pursue YOU. and when he does..be upbeat and appreciative. this re-enforces them wanting to please you and call you more. YOU dont have to call him or text him. i would seriously not be all about initiating those things at all right now. really. trust it. read this book or these books which ever applies.

i say these things because you will read this in the book. there is also one called mars and venus on a date. mars and venus in the bedroom. mars and venus starting over. NO i dont work for john gray. but i admire his work and what i learned from it and got out of it by making mistakes and then reading his books and having many ah ha moments.

 

there are other good books i can recommend too. the more you please yourself..the more attracted he will likley be to you. that doesnt mean you cant be nurturing and loving. its just means you take the edge off you and him with insecurity and neediness. and doubts that can manifest. good luck. God bless you.