Does no contact really work? for everyone?

[watshername]

Does it? I'm really struggling to move on. Me and my ex have been in constant contact really since the split. It wasnt on bad terms but I didn't want it to end and am devestated. he was my best friend so he was helping me through it. I know it sounds stupid and it is. I did NC for a week and then we started speaking again and I just flipped the other night, constantly texting him and when he started to ignore me I went round his house. Just lost it. I thought I was getting better but I'm really not. So I've told him no contact for def... I just need to know this really works as I'm really really fragile. I get into states where I just want to hurt myself so badly. I have cut myself on occasions, I just feel like I need to escape. When I'm with my friedns I feel much happier but I can't always be with them. When I come home and I'm on my own I think about us and just want it so badly.

[poopierabbit]

I really tried "NC" but it really doesn't work for me. I feel comforted by texting her occasionally with random relationship thoughts and epiphanies. Even though in some respects I do know the relationship is over, I also know she is reading these text messages too, and that provides comfort to me.

 

"No contact" or not, eventually healing takes place regardless, and your perspective about your partner and relationship will change.

 

The important point is to realize that healing means moving forward with life. Expect to try and negotiate terms for reconciliation with your lover, but when that fails, there is no point remaining despondent about love lost when a more compatible mate is waiting for you out there.

 

Do what is right for you. I don't think there is a "one size fits all" remedy.

[AlisaMarie]

It depends. If you are trying to use NC as a way to get him back, no that doesn't work. It may make him miss you and wonder... but that will only make him return for HIS own selfish reasons.

 

NC is to help you heal and forget him. How do you expect to do that if you are constantly in contact with him? It's just dragging out the inevitable... that it's over.

[WTRanger]

You'll find that NC will speed up your healing process immensely. You don't want to let the ex's go due to fear. That's it. Fear. You are afraid to live your life without them so you'll take any crumbs they may offer.

 

Unless you are 100% over any romantic feelings for them, or you have children together, there is no need to be in contact. You need time apart to focus on yourself.

 

Plus contacting your ex, especially if they do not respond, you become this clingy loser to them. They lose all respect for you. You become "that guy" or "that girl" that they make fun of to all of their friends.

 

Remember, NC is not about them. It's about you. It's not a ploy, it's not a game, and it's not giving up. It's about acceptance.

[watshername]

I want to get over him. I know there is no chance, he's already started to move on, I can tell. I want to be happy and I want to feel ok being by myself and no constantly need people around me and not feel the need to speak to him. I still love him ALOT and he hasn't done anything to hurt me. I've not only lost a love but also my best friend. I just want NC to work. I dont know what else to do. It's been over 3 months now and I feel like I should be further along the healing path by now.

[AlisaMarie]

I want to get over him. I know there is no chance, he's already started to move on, I can tell. I want to be happy and I want to feel ok being by myself and no constantly need people around me and not feel the need to speak to him. I still love him ALOT and he hasn't done anything to hurt me. I've not only lost a love but also my best friend. I just want NC to work. I dont know what else to do. It's been over 3 months now and I feel like I should be further along the healing path by now.

wastshername, I completely understand the empty feeling you are suffering. There is really no cure for it. I love my ex a ton and would do anything to salvage the relationship- but at this time, he won't. And just because I am not worth anything to him, doesn't mean that I am not worth anything. I know I am a great person inside. He beat me down into this pitiful little pulp and now it's going to take a lot of work to build myself back up... as it is for you. Keep posting on here. It helps. NC in my case only gets more difficult because you feel as if you are fading from that person, but as WT states, do you just want to accept crumbs from someone? Probably not. I hope you feel better soon.

[Ilovecake]

If you're hung up on someone and you keep talking to them you will just stay in limbo and stay hung up. No contact isn't about sitting at home and staring at the phone either. You have to make a conscious effort to accept the fact that they are no longer in your life and go on with your life without them. After all your feelings have subsided than possibly you could try being friends, but there is no way in this universe anyone has ever had a successful friendship with someone they are romantically hung up on. So yeah no contact works in the long run but combined with living your life and doing things that literally take your mind off your ex.

 

Also no matter how much your ex cares about you every time you reach out to him after the break up you only pushes him away further. He will see you as weak and needy and obsessive and nobody wants to be around weak and needy and obsessive people. I bet you weren’t a stalking psycho when you two first fell in love what makes you think acting like a complete nut and showing up at his house will bring him back now?

Think about it in realistic terms. Put yourself in your ex's shoes. Think about if you ever knew a person you didn't want to really hang out with anymore and think about how you felt when that person kept pestering you. I'm not trying to be mean but this is the reality and the sooner you realize the sooner you will start getting over it.

[fiat500]

Also no matter how much your ex cares about you every time you reach out to him after the break up you only pushes him away further. He will see you as weak and needy and obsessive and nobody wants to be around weak and needy and obsessive people. I bet you weren’t a stalking psycho when you two first fell in love what makes you think acting like a complete nut and showing up at his house will bring him back now?

Think about it in realistic terms. Put yourself in your ex's shoes. Think about if you ever knew a person you didn't want to really hang out with anymore and think about how you felt when that person kept pestering you. I'm not trying to be mean but this is the reality and the sooner you realize the sooner you will start getting over it.

 

OMG. Ilovecake!!! This is something all of us females should remember when we are dumped by a man. When we are thrown away our natural instinct is to cling even if we've never acted like that before . And it's the WRONG thing to do and it will QUICKLY make our exes lose respect for us. I'm having a hard time dealing with my breakup as well. But I haven't contacted him since the last time he contacted me. I'm dying on the inside, but I'm proud I'm not ever going to pick up the phone. Not even for his birthday in a couple of days. Oh god.

[Wilie]

Do the NC for 21 days... do it for real.. you already feel like crap after 3 months... so give YOURSELF 21 days to heal.. your constant contact is keeping you attached and you grasp at the little crumbs of hope, i know, i been there for the last 5 months.. until i said on turkey day no more.. now i almost have 7 days NC... it sucks bad.. but so what, it sucked when my wife was stringing me along each day being wishy washy... Try it FOR REAL,.. and you just might surprise yourself how you will feel in 21 days... Peace...

 

Will

[Stephie]

Here's why nc works... We broke up very end of March and it has been a long roller coaster of emotions. We have been in contact since the longest being almost a month without and let me say during that month once I got past the first week it got easier. Then the contact would start it has left me open for false hope thinking each time he would contact me he was missing me and any day now he would want me back. Each time though he was looking for me to feed his ego it seems like. There were times when he was so sincere telling me to be careful and have fun, asking how I was, sending me pictures of how much weight he had lost and so on. And each time it broke me a down a little more. I know how impossible it is to stay no contact I always thought if I kept in low contact that there would always be hope because he responded each time. Now he has a gf and I am sticking to my guns no more I have got to fully move on. Also there is no time limit for how long it takes to move on. It has been a long painful, angry process but I know as long as I stick to no contact it will continue to get better.

[PowerOfOne]

hey watshername, i know how you feel. My ex called it quits 2 weeks ago. I'd love it if there was something negetive about her i could cling to and focus on. But there isn't, she just moved on and had goals that didn't include me...

 

It's only been a couple of weeks and i have my good and bad days. The ups and downs are really really draining. I've resigned myself to knowing it'll be a while yet before i can say i'm over her, or even that i've accepted that she won't call to say she's made a mistake.

 

I went NC from the get go. We said our goodbyes, she cried, i said i'd miss her etc but that was the last contact i've had from her. I can't even bring myself to check her FB let alone text or call and i'm not going to break that. NC is definatly the way to go. It's the only way to take a step back and look at what's happend between you too for what it is.

 

Don't do anything to hurt yourself k? Just ride out the downs and savor the ups. Know that an 'up' is just an uplifting song or a good joke away. Take care

[stopthemadness]

Does it? I'm really struggling to move on. Me and my ex have been in constant contact really since the split. It wasnt on bad terms but I didn't want it to end and am devestated. he was my best friend so he was helping me through it. I know it sounds stupid and it is. I did NC for a week and then we started speaking again and I just flipped the other night, constantly texting him and when he started to ignore me I went round his house. Just lost it. I thought I was getting better but I'm really not. So I've told him no contact for def... I just need to know this really works as I'm really really fragile. I get into states where I just want to hurt myself so badly. I have cut myself on occasions, I just feel like I need to escape. When I'm with my friedns I feel much happier but I can't always be with them. When I come home and I'm on my own I think about us and just want it so badly.

ok so I read your post and am thinking. You sound just like me. I too have had contact with my ex sence the break up 5 weeks ago. And am telling you we are doing it the hard way!! I dont know about you but we are trying to stay friends while he is seeing smone else and it really SUCKs! He tells me things I really shouldnt know. I too have a new friend and went on a few dates. But Iam kidding myself because I know I still love and miss my ex!! I am seeing a therapist (felt like I needed too) and untell this week after 5 weeks, she has never told me to stop contact. But this week she did! I was waiting for it cause this is to hard. What she said is "try to refrain from contact" so thats what am trying. Its only been 2 days but am taking one day at a time and am setting my goal at a week. Set goals for yourself, like one week of N/C or 3 days what ever works for you. And dont beat your self up if you email or what ever, just set a new goal. Its gona take time but remember baby steps are still steps. I also keep a journal now. It helps to write things out and it also helps you let your feeling go. Try it. I hope some of this helps you. We can do this...When God takes smthing from your grasp. Hes not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive smthing better. ..Good luck..To both of us..