Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a drink with an ex?

[VertexSquared]

I am torn right now.

 

Whenever I've been in a relationship, my "sixth sense" intuition has always been correct. When something seems fishy, it usually is.

 

At one point during lunch yesterday, my girlfriend mentioned that she had been contacted by an ex of hers. This ex -- we'll call him Mike -- has only been in one relationship, and it was with my girlfriend. He was also the one that broke it off.

 

So my girlfriend tells me that Mike contacted her and mentioned that he had recently moved into the city, etc etc, asked for good places to get groceries, and that sort of thing. As she was telling this story, she made it sound like she was creeped out and that he was being all nosy and intrusive (such as asking where she was staying, etc). But her demeanor was really fishy about the whole thing.

 

And so while she was in my apartment last night, she went to take a shower -- I took a peek at her facebook mail on the user account I made for her on my computer (she saves the password via cookie). Turns out SHE contacted HIM first after noticing he had moved into the city. None of the "creepiness" implied in my girlfriend's story was present in these mails. And then, partway into the conversation, she says "We should get a drink sometime!" followed by Mike's acceptance of the invitation. He then proceeded to give her times of availability, saying that she had the honor of choosing the location.

 

I'm honestly torn about this whole situation:

 

1. I hate that I couldn't trust her and had to invade her privacy -- it's so wrong of me, and yet when I know something's off, I can't force myself to just intentionally look the other way

2. I hate that my suspicions were sound and that the story she gave me did not seem "right"

3. I hate that she's going to see an ex that hurt her the most during their breakup. Apparently this guy caused her a lot of pain for a very long time when he dumped her.

4. I hate feeling so insecure about this, but I hate that every time I feel suspicious, I turn out to be right.

 

What do you think? Am I overreacting? I don't know what I should be feeling.

Edited December 1, 2010 by VertexSquared

[Mad Max]

Her getting a drink with an ex is out of line. This guy has one intention and it's not to maintain a friendship.

[VertexSquared]

It feels out of line to me, too. I really, really dislike that she not only invited him for a drink, but that she conveniently neglected to mention this to me. And I dislike that she white-lied about various things. Why did she even bother telling me the story in the first place? A way to absolve guilt? "As long as I told my boyfriend that I spoke to Mike, it's okay?" I dislike the white lies, and I hate the fact that they are agreeing to get drinks together.

 

I don't know how to handle this situation going forward. I'm really upset at my girlfriend right now, but I feel like I can't say anything unless I want her mad at me for reading those messages. We're *both* in the wrong, here.

[Mad Max]

White lies only lead to bigger lies. Tell her that if she goes through with this, you two are done. I would never go have a drink with an ex. An ex is an ex for a reason.

[skydiveaddict]

I agree w/Max. I wouldn't tolerate it

[tb24]

Her getting a drink with an ex is out of line. This guy has one intention and it's not to maintain a friendship.

 

That's a bit presumptuous isn't it? She contacted him first. I'm saying it's not true, but there's no way we'd know. If he'd contacted her first then yes, I'd suggest that he wants to get back with her.

 

The fact that she initiated contact and asked him to meet up on it's own, could *maybe* be just to catch up. The fact that she lied about it, however points to her still having feelings for him.

 

Where do you go from here? I honestly don't know. If you confront her you'll have to tell her you invaded her privacy... it won't end well. If you let her go out with her ex... it probably won't go well unless he turns her down. Now, if he broke up with her it's likely he will... but is that the kind of girl you want to be with?

[Pfiend101]

She probably told you out of guilt and in some weird way may have been feeling you out seeing what you're reaction about her ex would be.

 

Here's what I would do.

 

"Hey so since your EX is back in town were you going to be seeing him at all?"

 

Then her response will tell you all you need to know. If she lies and says no. I know what I would do.

 

What will you do if she does meet with him?

[VertexSquared]

I feel like asking if she's going to meet up with the ex is going to come across as really fishy. She's not dumb -- she'd know I wasn't asking that out of the blue.

 

I personally am against people meeting up one-on-one with exes. But I'd be more ok with it had she told me the truth about the matter instead of skewing the story. At the end of the day, though, I don't want her going.

 

If she goes, I will likely break it off with her. To me, that's a dealbreaker.

[sumdude]

Doesn't sound good. When trust goes there's not much left. Your lack of trust in her made you betray her trust in you.. vicious circle. What are your choices?

 

You could confront her and admit what you did and why.. the relationship could end.

 

You could say nothing and pretend like nothing's up.. the relationship could still end.

 

Do nothing and back away from her and see what happens.. the relationship could still end though being afraid of losing you might wake her up from the little fog about the ex.

[VertexSquared]

Thing is, I trusted her up until this point. The way she told the story just screamed red flags to me all over the place, and it was extremely disturbing and offputting.

 

I am not sure what the best mode of action is.

[xpaperxcutx]

You didn't have to break into her account, you could have just invited yourself to meet the ex with your gf.

[VertexSquared]

How could I invite myself to something that I was supposed to be unaware of? She gave no hint that they were meeting up at all.

[phineas]

Dude,

she lied to you about who contacted whom first.

She fed you a line of BS about being creeped out.

She completely hid the fact that she accepted a drink offer with him.

She is deceiving you.

 

How long have you been with her?

 

I personally would not let on & wait to see if a when & where is scheduled then just show up.

 

It will probably be really soon & coincide with some kind of last minute "thing" she is doing with a friend or family member & she will not be available.

[VertexSquared]

7.5 months or so

[krz12]

Is this the same girl who you believed you couldn't do enough for?

[xpaperxcutx]

How could I invite myself to something that I was supposed to be unaware of? She gave no hint that they were meeting up at all.

 

Oh-h-h, yeah I had to reread your first post.

 

I notice she left it in ambiguity by stating sometime rather than saying specifically that she wanted to meet up. Technically you cannot fault her on anything now because it's all just suspicion.

 

And I agree with sumdude, you just created a vicious cycle.

[VertexSquared]

Is this the same girl who you believed you couldn't do enough for?

 

Yes, same girl

[tb24]

Dude,

she lied to you about who contacted whom first.

She fed you a line of BS about being creeped out.

She completely hid the fact that she acceptedinitiated a drink offer with him.

She is deceiving you.

 

How long have you been with her?

 

I personally would not let on & wait to see if a when & where is scheduled then just show up.

 

It will probably be really soon & coincide with some kind of last minute "thing" she is doing with a friend or family member & she will not be available.

 

she initiated the drink... which makes it 10x worse imho.

[Els]

I've nothing against the actual 'meet' (I tend to be quite liberal with regard to my SO and exes, though, and he treats me the same), but I agree that it really sounds fishy that she tried to lie about it.

 

I would personally say nothing and wait for the date to arrive. Maybe she was just buying a little time to think of how to tell you - if so, she would certainly tell you before the time comes. If she doesn't, I would confront her - not accusatorily, but simply stating the fact to observe her response. Make your decisions based on that.

[tb24]

if you can, find out when it is they're meeting. Then arrage for her to do something with you at that time. Her response will tell you a lot.

[VertexSquared]

Oh-h-h, yeah I had to reread your first post.

 

I notice she left it in ambiguity by stating sometime rather than saying specifically that she wanted to meet up. Technically you cannot fault her on anything now because it's all just suspicion.

 

And I agree with sumdude, you just created a vicious cycle.

 

"Anyways, let me know when things settle down--we should get a drink or something!"

[xpaperxcutx]

"Anyways, let me know when things settle down--we should get a drink or something!"

And this is what you wrote

 

"We should get a drink sometime!"

 

I'm not saying that she's right since you caught her in a fib, but she didn't exactly do anything except referencing that they should catch up. The only thing you have to worry about is if you actually catch her in the act of cheating.

 

Do not make rash descisions until you are certain she's looking to cheat.

[VertexSquared]

Ex:

So really you're telling me to go to six different places to get groceries? Haha, some help you are By the way, I can get a discount at my store if you need anything (or a giant plush Hello Kitty, you know)!

 

So do you live in NYC now or does your company pay for you to stay near the client? [insert a lot of useless info about his commute]. The first week here in the city was so lonely though, sitting in an empty apartment with no computer or TV or anyone to talk to. Well, I'm going to check on my flight. I'm in Orlando and it got delayed. Hopefully I'll be back by midnight.

Good night!

 

 

Gf:

Haha I'll keep the discount in mind--wouldn't mind having a giant plush Hello Kitty in my room, haha.

 

I'm still living at home, but I stay at my boyfriend's apartment half of the time and spend the rest at home. You're still commuting in from [censored]? Or was that before you moved in fully? It's good that you have the place to yourself. Anyways, let me know when things settle down--we should get a drink or something!

 

Hope you have a safe flight! Talk to ya soon!

 

Ex:

I'm actually not sure if the Hello Kitty thing is for sale, so I might have to steal one. I admit, I want one too, haha. I only commute from [censored] when I'm travelling or moving stuff, but that has been often lately. Last night I got to [censored] a little after midnight and had to leave for the train station at 6:10, so that's no fun. I'll be away the next couple weekends but we should get a drink or something on a weeknight if you have time, or some weekend in 2011 if you don't. Unless the [place censored] re-opens, you're in charge of picking a place :-)

[VertexSquared]

I've nothing against the actual 'meet' (I tend to be quite liberal with regard to my SO and exes, though, and he treats me the same), but I agree that it really sounds fishy that she tried to lie about it.

 

I would personally say nothing and wait for the date to arrive. Maybe she was just buying a little time to think of how to tell you - if so, she would certainly tell you before the time comes. If she doesn't, I would confront her - not accusatorily, but simply stating the fact to observe her response. Make your decisions based on that.

 

That's just the thing -- I would have trusted her a LOT more had she just told me. But the fact that she had to act fishy and lie about it just rubbed me the wrong way quite strongly.

 

if you can, find out when it is they're meeting. Then arrage for her to do something with you at that time. Her response will tell you a lot.

 

This is also a great idea. I don't think they've set a time yet.

[Els]

Well, it's a good sign she mentioned you right away to him, unprompted, and especially the fact that both of you are 'serious' enough for her to be living with you half the time. I really think she has innocent motives but just doesn't know how to broach the subject with you - I could be wrong, of course, but that's what my gut tells me. If she truly wanted to start something anew with him, she wouldn't be saying all that about you, and she wouldn't even be telling you about him.