Girlfriend holding back in bed - afraid she'll cheat.

[Vrakar]

OK... I have a situation that's rather complex and I really need someone to offer other opinions.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together since she was 14 and I was 17 - for almost 4 years (in october '04) now. I love her more than anything in this world. When she was a little girl, she was at her grandparent's house and someone broke in and raped her very violently. As a consequence, she's had a lot of sexual hangups.

 

When we first got together, she was living in Mass., while I was in PA. Our relationship progressed very quickly on a physical level. We saw each other on occasion, and when we did, there was a lot of sexual activity. During this time, however, I was cheating on her with an ex of mine.

 

I know you're all hissing at me, and I'm not going to justify it. I know it was wrong and I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway - and that makes me a POS. I told her about it and it broke her heart, but she's forgiven me and I haven't done anything since and never will. I hate myself for it and I still am really hard on myself about it... I guess I never want myself to forget the consequences of my actions so I'll never do it again. She keeps telling me that I should let it go - she has - and move on with my life.

 

Anyway, as I said, we've worked through a lot of her hangups.

 

About 2 years ago, we broke up for a short time. We got stuck in this cycle of nastiness - she was on a birth control pill that made her very moody and she was very nasty and went through a lot of mood swings. I dealt with it for a long time, but after a while I really started to get my feelings hurt and I started avoiding being with her because I was sick of dealing with it.

 

About the same time, she went to California on a school trip and became really good friends with this guy Will. He was really nice to her and hit on her a lot and she eventually broke up with me. She tells me it was mostly because of what was going on between us - she wanted to hurt me like I was hurting her - but that she thinks that he helped a little. She tells me that nothing ever happened between them, and I believe her because I trust her.

 

Anyway, she changed pills and we dated for a while and things were great - the mood swings stopped - and she asked me to take her back, and I did.

 

But recently, we've discussed something I view to be a big problem; over time, as we've become closer emotionally, our physical interactions have decreased. I've spoken to her about it and you know, I understand that women are different then men and all, but this is something different:

 

She tells me that she's afraid to let herself go in bed and she holds herself back from being physical with me sometimes because she's afraid to enjoy the physical act of sex as much - or more - than the emotional one. She's going away to College in August and I'm already kind of worried about it, and then she tells me she's afraid that if she starts enjoying the full range of physical enjoyment you can get out of sex, she's afraid that when someone hits on her heavily that she'll take advantage of it...

 

I was the first person she was with and I helped her rediscover her sexuality and sensuality. We've been through so much together in these years and I love her with all my heart - I would ask her to be my wife without a second thought if I wasn't concerned about it interfering with her experiences at school. The fact that I'm the only person she's ever been with is really, really special to me. I tell her that I wish I could have given her the same gift and she tells me that frankly, she really is happy I had experience because with her fear of sex, it would have been a total disaster if I hadn't.

 

On the one hand, I tell her that I don't want her to hold back at all, that I'd rather take the chance that she'll turn into a whore at school then have her hold back with me.

 

On the other, I'm desperately afraid of her cheating on me - the very thought of it makes me sick. I feel really bad for feeling this way because I did it to her, but frankly our relationship is at a completely different stage than when it was when I cheated on her and I'm not saying that excuses what I did, but... she's said many times that she can forgive me for what happened then because of the circumstances surrounding it, but if I were to do it now, she could never... I really think the same thing applies from me to her.

 

I don't know what to do and I need someone to help me because I'm aching inside and dead tired from worrying about it. I know worrying isn't going to do any good, but we promised to talk about it this weekend when I see her - she moved to PA after we'd been together about 9 months, but I'm currently in Virginia on a business trip.

 

Please help me, or at least offer an opinion of some sort - and please, don't attack me for cheating on her 4 years ago... but if anyone can offer advice on how I can absolve myself of the crushing guilt I still carry, I'd really appreciate it...

 

Thanks!

[moimeme]

If she's never been to counselling to deal with the rape, she may still have residual issues. Even if she has had counselling, it wouldn't hurt to go back to explore this issue.

[Vrakar]

Originally posted by moimeme

If she's never been to counselling to deal with the rape, she may still have residual issues. Even if she has had counselling, it wouldn't hurt to go back to explore this issue.

 

She's been to counseling but she said it didn't help at all. She refuses to go again. I don't know what to do about that, either....

[Reckless]

You are worrying about things that either haven't happened, happened in the past and can't be changed or are happening now but are out of your control - that's a lot of worry.

 

If she wants to experience the full range of sexual fulfilment she will eventually look at the issues that are hindering that. She'll do this in her own time - some women don't get there until well into their 30's some never do.

 

If she goes to college and feels the need to 'break out' there's little you can do about it. She may have to learn the hard way that numerous partners does not automatically result in happiness (and that having great sex with your partner doesn't catapult you into other mens arms for more when he's away...).

 

You say 'I'm desperately afraid of her cheating on me ..'. Your fears from what I can gather, are based on a flirtation she had during a school trip after you both had had a fight two years ago. (She was about 16 at the time?). Even if there's more to it this, this lack of trust isn't healthy.

 

My guess is your transferring your own feelings of guilt onto her and presuming that she'll do what you did. Again, not healthy thinking. If she says she forgives your past infidelity then have the grace to accept that and don't let it poison what you have. Don't borrow trouble

 

She is not only a rape victim but from your posts I gather she became emotionally involved and probably sexually active way before she could have been mature enough to cope with all the issues involved; you do your growing before, during or after but you do your growing. Try to be supportive of that growth.

 

Sit down and talk about what your plans will be for her college years, recognize that she just might not have the emotional maturity to be fully committed to the relationship if you are separated physically. If she says she is, trust her because without trust you have nothing anyway and you might as well throw in the towel now.

 

You both started the race so young, you'll have to be patient, have great communication and keep a cap on the jealousy if you want to stay the course.

 

Good luck,

R.

[Vrakar]

Originally posted by Reckless

<snip>

(Item 1) If she wants to experience the full range of sexual fulfilment she will eventually look at the issues that are hindering that. She'll do this in her own time - some women don't get there until well into their 30's some never do.

 

(Item 2) If she goes to college and feels the need to 'break out' there's little you can do about it. She may have to learn the hard way that numerous partners does not automatically result in happiness (and that having great sex with your partner doesn't catapult you into other mens arms for more when he's away...).

 

(Item 3) You say 'I'm desperately afraid of her cheating on me ..'. Your fears from what I can gather, are based on a flirtation she had during a school trip after you both had had a fight two years ago. (She was about 16 at the time?). Even if there's more to it this, this lack of trust isn't healthy.

 

(Item 4) My guess is your transferring your own feelings of guilt onto her and presuming that she'll do what you did. Again, not healthy thinking. If she says she forgives your past infidelity then have the grace to accept that and don't let it poison what you have. Don't borrow trouble

 

(Item 5) She is not only a rape victim but from your posts I gather she became emotionally involved and probably sexually active way before she could have been mature enough to cope with all the issues involved; you do your growing before, during or after but you do your growing. Try to be supportive of that growth.

 

Thanks for your reply.... this response is going to be long but hopefully fruitful...

 

Concerning Item 1: I spoke with her today and asked her if she's willing to go back to counseling, if I go with her, and she said that maybe she would consider it after she's at school so her parent's won't know. I'm all for counseling - I've broached the subject with her before, but she's always been really uncomfortable going - Quote "I hated going to counseling because when I was going I had to deal with it every day, had to think about it, and now I don't." I really don't know what to do - there's only so much I can do to help her. I was molested when I was a child and I understand where she's coming from.... but I've managed to pretty much get over it and I can't understand really what she's feeling and I don't know how to help her.

 

Concerning Item 2: I don't think it's that she wants a lot of partners... she tells me that she can't imagine being with anyone else and the thought of it makes her sick. From what she's told me, part of the reason why she's sometimes threatened by my sexual advances is that she has to prepare herself for them... you know, tell herself that it's me, that it's okay, there's nothing to be afraid of. But she said, quote "I've never really heavily been hit on before - except by you - and I don't know how I'll react" and when I asked about that guy Will, she said that "Certainly he wasn't the reason I broke up with you, but maybe he was a little bit." I'm unsure as to how to take this...... help?

 

Concerning Item 3: It's not that I don't trust her... up until we had this discussion, she had told me that the thought of being with anyone else makes her sick, and while she does admit sometimes she's a little curious, she doubts she could ever do *anything* with anyone else but me... But it's one thing for her to say "no way, never" and I say "OK, I trust you" and I did... but it's another thing when she says "But you know, I'm afraid to enjoy our lovemaking to the fullest extent I can because I'm afraid of what I might do when you're not around - I don't trust myself..." This is the crux of the issue - it's hard for me to trust her when she doesn't even trust herself, you know what I mean?

 

Concerning Item 4: Do you have any advice on how I can get rid of this crushing guilt I carry around... or do you think it's good for me to keep it?

 

Concerning Item 5: A lot of things happened when we first went out, including her moving down to PA from Mass. She admitted that maybe she formed an unhealthy attachment to me, but I think she's grown into an amazing person from who she was 4 years ago... She's a lot less clingy and I think that my time in Virginia on business has helped a lot with that... I've tried to encourage the growth as much as I know how, but now we've hit this roadblock in her growth where she's afraid to enjoy all the pleasures of sex and afraid to let herself do it when she wants it because she's afraid that she'll stop getting the emotional connection she gets if she lets it get too physical for her. On top of that is the fact that she's saying that she doesn't trust herself to say definitively that she won't be with someone else if it's offered - quote "I don't see how someone could not, if it were offered and offered with force/insistance/pressure."

 

<EDIT>

Another thing which I've neglected to mention is that I've been cheated on before - which makes me really wonder what kind of horrible person I am for inflicting something I knew would hurt so bad on someone I love... even though we were in a different stage of our relationship then, it doesn't excuse it - and this situation is in a very, very few ways starting to feel very familiar... and maybe I'm starting to panic a little... I don't want it to happen again and I really, really want to be with this girl forever... Like I said before, if I wasn't afraid of it interfering with her friendships - and her sexual encounters with other people if she feels she needs to do that to be happy - I would ask her to marry me the moment I walk in her door on Friday...

 

Really, if she needs to be with other people to be happy... even though it hurts me to think about it, and it would hurt me a lot if she did, I'd be willing to accept it and I'd figure out some way to deal with it if it meant that she'd lead a happier, more fulfilled life.... hell, if she felt that she had to leave me in order to be happy, I'd let her go... really, her happiness is paramount in our relationship. I really make a concerted effort to not be selfish at all, even though I'm not perfect at it.

[Vrakar]

Thanks for moving this thread, btw Sorry for posting in the wrong place

[faux]

It sounds to me that this girl has too many problems to be in a relationship right now. I may sound mean, but I would question the validity of her rape claims if she came right out and told you so quickly, and if she seemed to have no problem getting very physical with you at such a fast rate.

 

I've had a few girlfriends who were like this as well. Most turned out to be lying, and just had way too many problems going on. Some of them were telling the truth, and had issues with sexual addiction, which only caused more problems.

 

She needs to work on herself it sounds and sort these issues out. I question her when you say that she wanted to hurt you back, since you had hurt her.

 

There was cheating in the past and this complicates things even more. She's also saying that she would be tempted to engage in physical activities with someone if she got more physical with you.

 

This sounds all too shakey, and she to me is waving around brilliant red flags all over the place. I detect a hint of sexual addiction, or at least a disinterest in you moreso than you yourself are realizing.

 

Have a long talk with her about your concerns. It's the only way to try to come to a mutual understanding of what is going on and express your concerns with one another. I'm sure you each have many important questions to ask one another.

 

Judge how you will procede on your own though. I gave my advice, but I'm not you and I'm not the one in the relationship, so I don't know the entire history or what you would be risking if you left.

[Sundaymorning]

sounds simple. your relationship probably wont make it because she is going to college and will grow vastly. most relationships wont make that- and if you are like me, you will be SOOOO thankful when you are older and see that your relationship didnt work. shes going to grow up. you cheated on her, i find it sad that you worry she may cheat on you...what you can do it and she cant?

plus, she has been raped for goodness sakes....stop freaking worrying about the sexual aspect of your relationship. do this girl a favor and break it up. both of you need to mature as you naturally do when you age.

[Vrakar]

Originally posted by faux

(Item 1) It sounds to me that this girl has too many problems to be in a relationship right now. I may sound mean, but I would question the validity of her rape claims if she came right out and told you so quickly, and if she seemed to have no problem getting very physical with you at such a fast rate.

 

(Item 2)She needs to work on herself it sounds and sort these issues out. I question her when you say that she wanted to hurt you back, since you had hurt her.

 

(Item 3)There was cheating in the past and this complicates things even more. She's also saying that she would be tempted to engage in physical activities with someone if she got more physical with you.

 

(Item 4)This sounds all too shakey, and she to me is waving around brilliant red flags all over the place. I detect a hint of sexual addiction, or at least a disinterest in you moreso than you yourself are realizing.

 

I appreciate your advice and I'd like to respond a bit....

 

Concerning Item 1: Michele and I have known each other since we were children (probably about 8 or 9.) She moved away and we kind of kept in contact over the years - we met up in person by chance at a shared event when she was 13. The primary reason she told me about the rape was that I shared with her that I was molested, and I guess since we were on the subject, she told me.

 

Concerning Item 2: I think that everyone is guilty of doing mean things to just hurt someone out of spite every so often... she hasn't done anything like that since and I know she really regrets doing it... the hormonal problems were a big part of it.

 

Concerning Item 3: I agree with you, but I'm not sure if that's what she's saying... I mean, I think that certainly she's saying that, but I don't know if that's really what she's saying, or if that's just the way it's coming out... we're supposed to take some time and talk this weekend.

 

Concerning Item 4: Are you saying that you're detecting a hint of sexual addition on my part? What kind of disinterest are you saying you're seeing from me..? Disinterest in her?

[Vrakar]

Look... I love this girl and we've been together and there for each other through some of our toughest years. I'm not going anywhere on her, and I don't think she's going anywhere on me. I have that kind of trust in her...

 

I have been and want to continue being with this girl through anything. I don't think that me being with her is the point of discussion here. And frankly, even if we don't resolve this issue, I'll love her anyway. It's been like this for a long time and I'm looking for ways to make our relationship better, not for reasons to break it up.

 

As for her being raped, what, somehow me being molested isn't as bad as her being raped? I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about and I think that if anything, you're the one being immature with your snap judgements and your attitude.

 

And another thing... If you had bothered reading my previous posts, I've said that I'm worried about it, but I'm willing to let her do whatever she feels she has to do to be happy. That's what love is - putting the other person first. This isn't about my happiness so much as it's about OUR happiness. You find it sad that I'm worried? You don't know me, or her, and you obviously haven't taken the time to read my previous posts before you judged me and my situation.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but frankly, I didn't come here to get lectured about the fact that what I did was wrong. I know it was and I regret it every single day of my life. I don't need you to tell me I'm a bad person for doing it and that I have no right to be concerned about her doing it to me. Two wrongs don't make a right and if you think that's how a relationship should be, I think that you're the last person on this planet I should be taking relationship advice from.

 

 

Originally posted by Sundaymorning

sounds simple. your relationship probably wont make it because she is going to college and will grow vastly. most relationships wont make that- and if you are like me, you will be SOOOO thankful when you are older and see that your relationship didnt work. shes going to grow up. you cheated on her, i find it sad that you worry she may cheat on you...what you can do it and she cant?

plus, she has been raped for goodness sakes....stop freaking worrying about the sexual aspect of your relationship. do this girl a favor and break it up. both of you need to mature as you naturally do when you age.

[Sundaymorning]

Originally posted by Vrakar

 

As for her being raped, what, somehow me being molested isn't as bad as her being raped? I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about and I think that if anything, you're the one being immature with your snap judgements and your attitude.

 

I didnt see that part, if i had, i would have not written that, sorry.

but seriously. its your life, but i just reccomend movin on, good things will come, even better than you may imagine!

[Vrakar]

Originally posted by Sundaymorning

Originally posted by Vrakar

 

As for her being raped, what, somehow me being molested isn't as bad as her being raped? I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about and I think that if anything, you're the one being immature with your snap judgements and your attitude.

 

I didnt see that part, if i had, i would have not written that, sorry.

but seriously. its your life, but i just reccomend movin on, good things will come, even better than you may imagine!

 

No, no, it's okay, really... I can understand that - but my point about reading all my posts stands

 

Anyway, it's okay, all is forgiven - sorry for kinda flipping out on you... It just really gets me upset when people are say and think things like "Men can't be raped" and "Boys can't really be molested" and "A molested boy isn't as bad as a molested girl" and the like. I've heard things like that all my life and it seems to be a popular opinion with people who haven't been through it. I guess I kind of jumped the gun with my reaction, but I think you can certainly understand why I got upset.... But, I really apologize for overreacting - I only hope you can accept my apology.

 

As for moving on... What makes you think that that's the only way to resolve this situation? Seriously, I'm really interested to know why you might think that's the only way... I'm not saying that I'll consider it, but I'd really like to hear your opinion and maybe your point of view - explained a bit more - might give me some insight that I might be missing.

[Sundaymorning]

Well, I dont know.....

You are my age, about. Do you remember when you were 18? did you go to college? when you did, did you change huge amounts?

I remember that i was very much in love with many of my highschool boyfriends. we had very wonderful relationships, but as i grew up, i grew apart from them, and discovered SO much more. I know i am not the person i was when i was 18... but who knows, maybe you still are- and that isnt always a bad thing, depending on the person.

I am just saying, when she goes to college, she WILL grow and change. she will probably want to see other people. that will hurt. she hasnt known anyone else but you in her dating/sexual life.

 

i guess for me its easy to say move on cause i have been there, not totally in that position with the details you have, but i would totally move on.

she might want to find someone who will balance her out, just as you with someone else.

if you move on:

1) you have someone new that you didnt cheat on, therefore have a clean slate and can start brand new

2) maybe someone with less emotional baggage

3) can also meet new ppl that you never thought you would date. trust me, i am dating the total opposite of anyone who i thought i would date, but hes AMAZING.

 

just be young, experiment, find what really fits you,etc

[Vrakar]

Originally posted by Sundaymorning

Well, I dont know.....

You are my age, about. Do you remember when you were 18? did you go to college? when you did, did you change huge amounts?

I remember that i was very much in love with many of my highschool boyfriends. we had very wonderful relationships, but as i grew up, i grew apart from them, and discovered SO much more. I know i am not the person i was when i was 18... but who knows, maybe you still are- and that isnt always a bad thing, depending on the person.

I am just saying, when she goes to college, she WILL grow and change. she will probably want to see other people. that will hurt. she hasnt known anyone else but you in her dating/sexual life.

 

i guess for me its easy to say move on cause i have been there, not totally in that position with the details you have, but i would totally move on.

she might want to find someone who will balance her out, just as you with someone else.

if you move on:

1) you have someone new that you didnt cheat on, therefore have a clean slate and can start brand new

2) maybe someone with less emotional baggage

3) can also meet new ppl that you never thought you would date. trust me, i am dating the total opposite of anyone who i thought i would date, but hes AMAZING.

 

just be young, experiment, find what really fits you,etc

 

Yea, I remember when I was 18... I didn't go away to college, I go to school at night while working... I screwed around too much in high school to get good enough grades to get a scholarship, and my parents couldn't afford to contribute much... although I'm a much better student now... But, I digress...

 

I changed a huge amount when I went to college, became a much more mature person then I was... I work a full time job and go to school and volunteer my time working in EMS and all of these things have made me into a very different person then I was when I was 18.

 

But, Michele has also become a much different person then she was when we first got together... 4 years is a long time, but we've really become closer the more we've changed. I know she'll grow and change, and if that means she has to leave me, then leave me she must - but I'm not going to preemptively leave her for something that I don't even know is going to happen.

 

Honestly, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and come what may, I'll stand by her. I think that if our relationship could survive the changes I went through when I went to college, I certainly think that we can make it through her college experience....

 

I mean, I guess my real question in all of this is how I should handle this whole situation? We're going to talk about it, but I'm not really sure how I should approach it.... any advice you or anyone can give on this would be great, as would any on how I can, you know, get over my guilt... I need to get over it - i'm afraid my guilt interfering in some way that I don't even realize...

[guest]

i think you must do what you just said, stand by her, but accept what may come. i would prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

[Tony T]

I always prepare for the worst but hope for the best!

[Melodic]

Sounds like a bit of a pickle if I ever heard one.

 

The emotional damage done to your girlfriend because of her childhood experience is something that cannot be erased by good sexual and relationship experience. I would say that she needs more time, though it sounds as though she has has plenty. You obviously cannot force her back to counseling but if she is willing to go maybe it would be beneficial for you both to attend to discuss your personal sexual histories including but not limited to her rape, your molestation, the incidence of cheating, the possibility of future cheating for both of you, and the frequency of sexual activity in the present.

 

I also agree with Reckless, communication is the key in all things and necessary for the survival of any relationship. And also that you cannot continue to allow the past to poison the present and the future. If you allow your guilt to override every other issue that you have, how can you grow. Imagine it as a chain tied to the bumper of a car (your relationship). You can only travel so far before you're simply held by chain, or you lose a part of your relationship by allowing the chain to pull off the bumper. Relax. If she doesn't think of it every day, than neither should you.

 

It also sounds as if you have more trust issues related to this guy Will than you think you do. You say you trust her word that she did not do anything with this guy, but do you really? Maybe you should see that whole experience as a learning experience for her. You had an on-going problem during which time you were avoiding being with her. As an overly hormonal 16 year old (be it the age or the birth control pills), can you blame her for seeking the adulation she was probably receiving from a guy presumably her own age. This was obviously a new experience for her and as she was not receiving any attention from you, I see it as no surprise that she eventually lashed. Probably on a dual mission to hurt you and explore different things. Obviously, she came back. Again, this is in the past and I refer to the chain/bumper analogy...let it go!

 

You seem to have some trust issues in general. You say you trust her and want her to be happy in one breath, but that you can't trust her in the next. Obviously, the fact that you were cheated on before leads to a general mistrust in relationships which can't help. Now reflect on this: if your girlfriend is willing to tell you honestly that she doesn't know how she would react in a particular situation than maybe that is something you just need to accept until she has been "battle-tested." At least she's not making empty promises and swearing to something she can't possibly understand. You were obviously sexually experienced while entering this relationship. She obviously wasn't. Imagine your only sexually experienced being a brutal rape as a child and then a long-term completely committed relationship (with one very mild flirtation), I daresay that it is hard to imagine. I also daresay that it is hard for her to promise with any assurity what will happen when things change and presumably she is in more positions to be with men. Imagine how intimidated she is by men in general or at least sexually (if I'm reading too much into the fact that she needs to mentally prepare herself to have sex with you, let me know), and how daunting it will be to be thrown headfirst into an environment of partying, flings, and fast and loose sex. Will she cheat? Only you can know in your heart, because you probably know that better than she.

 

Maybe I'm completely off-base. I'd be interested in more information after you guys have had your talk this weekend. Regardless, if you love her and I think you do, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Sometimes you just have to believe that.

[southside]

I would:

 

Stop crying over spilled milk. Leave the past where it belongs - in the past.

Stop worring about what MAY happen.

Look forwad to the future, look forward to changes. If there were no changes there would be very little to talk to her about and in my opinion, communication is key.

Fight for her, fight for you, fight for your relationship....Dont ever just give up like a lot of people on here say.

 

Last thing: Roll with lifes punches or you will get knocked out.