Was it hard for you to break your bond to the abuser

[Tiberius]

Some people stay in a bad relationship because they dont have the means to leave.

 

Others stay because despite everything they still feel love for that person or are at least still attracted.

 

Why did you stay and what was it like after leaving, do you still crave him/her?

[ShatteredReality]

Did you break up with her Tiberius?

 

I've stayed because I love him. When we were apart I didn't feel complete. Throughout our relationship he's known me better than I have known myself at times. His abuse is not ok and should never have been tolerated in the beginning. When we tolerate it in the beginning that sends the message that we will continue to tolerate it, thus making the habit all the more difficult for them to stop. They don't believe we will ever leave because we never have. I have taken the advice of a counselor and drawn up some guidelines for myself. If he does "this" one more time, I must do "this" in response. I say I won't tolerate "this", so, after having explained that to him, if he does it again, I must "this". I have some lines that if he crosses I have told myself I have to leave. We'll see...when and if he crosses them...if I am strong enough to go...or if he begins to get bad again if I will wait until I am near a nervous breakdown or something silly like that. However. Until that point. I love him. I can see his attempts at improvement and will give him the benefit of the doubt. If he quits trying though, this time, so will I.

[Tiberius]

No I didnt yet. She hasnt punched me so far or done anything on that level. Besides we agreed that I would work less so she can take care of her gym and get started teaching martial arts and right now I only teach a few yoga classes, so I dont make enough money.

[ShatteredReality]

Obviously I am all for working it out if you can. If a person is agreeable to listening to your needs and working on self improvement....quitting the abuse first and foremost...and you love them...then it's worth it. I mean...to leave just means you will eventually find someone else with a whole new set of issues you need to learn to navigate right? You know these issues, and so long as you're willing to put up with them...so long as you aren't putting yourself at risk or sacrificing your self worth! I'll applaud anybody with the stones to stick out the tough times. Now let me contradict myself completely!! 8^)

 

One thing you said caught my attention - she hasn't punched you yet...or done anything on that level. Let me be clear about something - abuse is abuse. We live in a society that recognizes decking a person as physical abuse but many people don't realize the ramifications of other types of abuse. They build. My H doesn't hit me and truly hasn't. We have been married over 10 yrs. His abuse is verbal. Degrading. I used to wish he would haul off an deck me - I would have physical evidence that it was ok to feel the way that I did. (Beyond just calling me a B once in awhile - please I am not THAT sensitive or weak) Years of this torment led to me hating myself and having no self respect or dignity. I let him take those things from me. He didn't even realize he was doing it, and I handed it all over as if it were his right to have those things. It's not. It's no ones right but your own. When you keep those things for yourself and demand that someone else respect those things, it can change the dynamic of the relationship. I lucked out - he's working with me and trying for a better future for us both (not just him). If he hadn't made that decision, you'd be talking to a single woman. I snapped...completely...about 2 yrs ago. Lost it. I even was having almost daily anxiety attacks. I was crying. I don't cry. I hate crying. (not when others do it - just me I feel weak - but see it as strength in others most of the time - yes I am a freak) I was a disaster. It has taken time and therapy and lots of talks (I hate those long drawn out emotional talks. But they can be beneficial and he loves them...so that's what we did). We have our setbacks here and there...just a few weeks ago...we had a BAD week. We have had three good ones since. The bad weeks put me in a very dark place...I cannot handle them the way that I once could. If I had it all to do over again? I would have left him in the second year of our marriage. Maybe he would have come back to me and we could have fixed it and we'd be better for it by now? Maybe not. Maybe I would have built a life with someone else...One thing my sister told me before I married him - take the worst fight you have ever had, multiply it by 20 - that's how bad it CAN get after you're married...This may not swing the same direction for a guy - I don't know. But she was Very right. I don't regret staying with him...things are getting better...but I recognize there was a SSSSSS load of pain that could have been avoided just by me having some self respect and dignity.

 

So don't kid yourself...she doesn't have to hit you to abuse you. She doesn't have to leave visible bruises or create visible scars to damage you almost beyond repair. Do not use that as your guide. It might help to make a list of the things you feel are abuse...what you are and are not willing to live with for the rest of your life. Do like my counselor told me - draw a line....make consequences for her actions and stick to those concequences. You don't have to put up with it...and she should be willing to work with you to make things better for you Both - not just her. And listen - my neice goes to body building conventions all the time - she's ripped...so if you find yourself single but looking for only ONE type of girl I will give you the info on the next one of those you can go to, meet her, she'll introduce you around. (She's taken). So there ya go...not hopeless if things don't work out...but here's to hoping they do!!

[Tiberius]

Hey. Thanks thats very kind of you . Thats funny she is the exact opposite of your husband. She acts kind and sweet and doesnt even get loud, but quitely works me over. I get anxiety attacks too sometimes or something similiar. Do you know how your body twitches sometimes when you are in bed, before you fall asleep? I have that sometimes when she wraps her legs or arms around me, because of the times when she tensed them hard.

 

I think I might find myself singele again, its like you said, she was slightly dominant at first and its getting more intense. I would send you the list you talked about, but I dont seem to be able to send you private messages. Maybe you need to enable it. If that does not work out and you dont want to tell me about your niece on here either, send me an email to [email protected]. Maybe before meeting with her Ill get into toutch online with her first, just to ask her about the world of bodybuilding and the women in the sport if she does not mind, like if they care for a flexible yogini . Even if I break up I have to work some things out first. If she wants to tag me along later on that would be great ^^ .

Edited December 4, 2010 by Tiberius

[ShatteredReality]

I get the anxiety attacks. I also jerk just before going to sleep - it's a full body thing that I am not aware that I do. My H told me about it...not sure why I do it. I don't do it other than that that I am aware of though - so that's interesting that you have that.

 

I did e-mail you - and I sent a message to my neice - she'll get back to me shortly I am sure. She just got back from a competing tour, so I know she's been super busy.

 

Keep us posted on your progress...and feel free to e-mail me your list if you like. I don't have PM on here yet because I am still too new and not considered established yet apparently...I don't know how long it takes to become established....

[Tiberius]

Hey I emailed you back. As soon as there is any progress Ill post it ^^.

[Breezy Trousers]

I can't speak from experience, only as an onlooker.

 

I have a brother who has abused every woman he's been in relationship with -- and brought to court twice for abuse. Reading "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown and "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes was invaluable for explaining, "Why doesn't she just walk away?" Of course, it relates to female abusers, too.

 

Traumatic bonding is very real and very intense. It plays with the brain chemistry. The more educated we become about it, the less susceptible we are to its psychic damage.

 

Having said that, each person knows their situation better than any outsider. And I do believe transformation is possible, if the behaviors stop and people get help. However, the trick is not to become addicted to hope.

[controlledchaos]

i stayed because 1. i didn't know any different and 2. we had kids. i always figured that once we got him the right job in the right house in the right state he'd be happy and things would be good. but, we moved 3 times in 4 years, and he had 4 jobs in 5 years and it never got better. it just got worse and worse.

 

i decided i couldn't take it anymore after a series of events, and even though i know i'm doing the right thing i second guess myself ALL THE TIME! it's a constant battle in my head, and i don't like it at all.

 

there are several good books out there and most of the will at least touch on female abusers.

[absentis]

i stayed for a number of reasons. the biggest one being, i was just so sad and lost over the whole situation. he was my first boyfriend. the relationship was very passionate and loving at first... then he developed a serious drug addiction, which is when the cheating and abuse started. we were also living together in a new city, so i had zero friends or family around me for support. i was young, i was afraid to live on my own, afraid what my life would be like without him since he was the only love i'd ever experienced. and deep down i clung to the hope that the person i fell in love with initially was still inside the monster he had become. it took me a year to move out, and another year to cut him out of my life completely.

[dest]

Some people stay in a bad relationship because they dont have the means to leave.

 

Others stay because despite everything they still feel love for that person or are at least still attracted.

 

Why did you stay and what was it like after leaving, do you still crave him/her?

Why did I stay? Because he said/did such conflicting things that I was extremely confused all the time. That's their game though (my guy even admitted that and did this evil laugh like it was a big joke). The quicker you can disentangle from the madness, the better. It's hard though. You really have to draw from other sources of strength to pull yourself out of an abusive relationship. The force of the bond is so great that if you don't have another support system that is just as strong (in a good way) then it will be close to impossible to leave. Some women still do leave by themselves (and they are wonderwomen). Even the strongest women can get so confused and become helpless. I saw my power disintegrate and my personality totally change due to the intense psychological trauma I faced as a result of the verbal abuse a guy inflicted on me. One might ask why a person would stay once they see the red flags. The sticky web in the beginning is due to their false promises, ability to be a great actor and confuse the hell out of you. I remember being in the twilight zone. Abusers do a mind trip on you that you've NEVER experienced before.

[dest]

Reading "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown and "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes was invaluable for explaining, "Why doesn't she just walk away?" Of course, it relates to female abusers, too.

 

Traumatic bonding is very real and very intense. It plays with the brain chemistry. The more educated we become about it, the less susceptible we are to its psychic damage.

 

Having said that, each person knows their situation better than any outsider. And I do believe transformation is possible, if the behaviors stop and people get help. However, the trick is not to become addicted to hope.

 

Thank you for posting about this book, the Betrayal Bond. ANYONE dealing with a toxic relationship of any kind will be much better off by reading this book. People should be explicitly taught how to avoid traumatic bonding. It's an extremely important life skill.

[Hades]

Some people stay in a bad relationship because they dont have the means to leave.

 

Others stay because despite everything they still feel love for that person or are at least still attracted.

 

Why did you stay and what was it like after leaving, do you still crave him/her?

 

My ex is a "recovering" drug addict and criminal. I stayed by his side for 5 years because:

 

1. I wholeheartedly believed in him.

2. I had hope.

3. I genuinely loved him.

 

This is the romance of an addict ... and his codependent.

 

I left once before (while he was serving time) and we stayed nc for one year. I tried my hardest to move forward. But like magnets, a moth to a flame ... we picked up right where we left off. I know how easy and effortless it would be to get back together. I recognize the patterns and behavior after years of observation and self-reflecting.

 

I attend counseling, Nar-Anon meetings and I am an active member of my church. I think about him every day, I pray for him every day. I feel an incredible amount of sadness in my heart. I stay NC-no matter what. It has only been two weeks.

[Vesna]

Before I turned 40, I accepted all levels of abuse because I really believed that I deserved it. I saw past the barbs and the accusations instead of challenging them. It kept the peace which in some instances saved me from being physically abused. I was attracted to abusive and excessively needy men and these days, no man stands a chance with me until I can be sure of whether he is worthy of me.

 

This acceptance of abuse started with my mother's abuse of me, until it became so toxic that I thought something was horribly wrong with me for me to deserve it. I took me 40 years to see the truth and walk away from my main perpetrator, that awful woman who held me back from attaining what I want and realising my dreams. In the meantime I won't trust anyone, male or female, and I have a whole lot of work to do to clean up the toxic mess before I get close to anyone again. Thankfully, I am a loner by nature and bless my own company.

 

I just hope it doesn't take another 40 years.

[Tiberius]

Just joined http://www.loveshack.org and I am having the same thoughts!

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Do you have a similiar problem?

[SouthernSunshine]

My abuser got me when I was 15, he was 33. He was my friend's neighbor. He listened to me, and I fell madly in love with him. About 3 months into the relationship (i ran away w him) he cornered me as I was trying to leave, then he choked me. I remember him grabbing me with his arm, and pulling me down to the floor then I blacked out. I stayed with him for 3 years, and had his child. It wasn't until after I had the baby did I really wake up because things got even worse. He tried to kill me. He also broke down in tears, and told me that if I didn't stay away (he'd literally throw me out then call me crying begging me to come back) that he was going to kill me.

 

 

It's been 6 years since I left for good. He haunts me. I dream about him, vivid dreams where I can still smell him. I still love him, but I hate him. I hate him for what he did to me. The hardest thing besides leaving him, and getting sober, is looking @ my child that is a spitting image of him.

 

I thought he loved me. I still question if he really did, and in the back of my mind, I believe he did. I think he didn't know how to love. The more I loved him the more he hated me.

[Tiberius]

I see I wonder if it can happen, that on a subconscious level you like some of the abuse or what the guy/girl represents.

[Tayla]

Been where most have conveyed the same patterns.

SHort and sweet. - There is no love in an abusive relationship. Love does not harm , love heals, Love does not belittle, de-humanize.

Now the word obsessions is closely akin to some victims and abusers, yet really can we stay honest on this topic. It took years of being on my own to know what true love was about and what it isnt. I do not regret the wisdom that happened but took years to forgive myself and the abuser for the lies we told ourselves and the actions we both are accountable for in history.

I too was in such denial of the real situations and would swear on my childrens lives that I loved the abuser, the reality is...it wasnt love nor was it a healthy relations to have my children around, I am ever so grateful I got help early and they got to grow to mature responsible adults

 

Love yourself , you really do have value in someones life! Just not the one of the abuser, for they value soo little.....You are not responsible for their outburst/displays, you are only responsible for staying in it for all the wrong reasons...

[trinity1]

Some people stay in a bad relationship because they dont have the means to leave.

 

Others stay because despite everything they still feel love for that person or are at least still attracted.

 

Why did you stay and what was it like after leaving, do you still crave him/her?

 

I stayed because of love and attraction for my exSO. I was only able to leave when I had met my now husband and fallen in love with him. Luckily my husband is a very kind man. I am so glad I didn't make the same mistake twice.

[missmac]

My ex abused me physically, emotionally, and would intentionally get a rise out of me by going after my sore spots (at the time is was my relationship with my mother) He would yell, and spit in my face - I got pink eye more than twice from him doing that. I just kept taking it, because although I truely believed he had anti-social personality disorder, and didnt have the ability to feel remorse - every once in a while he would show the good side of himself - and make me feel sorry for him and suck me right back in.

 

I was young, and stupid, and thought that I could help him be happy. In trying to make him happy, I exhausted myself in the process and got to the point where I couldnt even bother to run away anymore.

 

I am ashamed to admit the one time I could have had him arrested for hitting me - I cowered like a scared puppy and told the officer that I had just fallen down, after he approached us to ask about a domestic disturbance.

 

It is very hard to leave, I know to the healthy mind - the solution is simple, you just get up and leave. Sadly it took him splitting one of my friends face open and an ambulance ride to the hospital, ashamed to even look at the blood streaming down my friends face - to finally be able to say ENOUGH. It was like, before it was only affecting me, but once the violence escalated beyond myself, to the people I cared about - I had to do it. It was no longer just my problem.

[inamess]

hia..

 

I don't know why I stayed? I loved him or I thought I did, I felt trapped he threatned to hurt me if I left. When I tried leaving he would find me. I lived in a cycle of abuse. Believed his apologys, his minimilization, excuses, we would make up a glimpse of what I fell in love with appeared...took him back believed things would change then it happened again.

 

I left him and he harrassed me and assaulted me one last time...he was arrested. I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Its been a struggle but I'm free of the abuse...what I've learnt is Love shouldn't hurt..

 

xx

[Tayla]

inamess, thank you for your brief yet well laid out results of the matter. I pray the healing continues for you in gaining self respect, its so common to lose that in an abusive relationship. Sounds like you are finding yours! That took courage to speak up!

[brinyuougsmm]

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[kooki]

Dest verbalized the reasons in a nutshell, good job! That is why I stayed too. Part of me was in great denial that it was happening. For me, it was mostly emotional, verbal and psychological abuse with two assault incidents, one sexual in nature, the other physical. The empty promises were killing me and sucking me in each time I came back to him, which was twice in a year. I had to call the police on him (who have warned him to stop harassing me, otherwise he will face arrest).

 

All this time, to be honest, part of me still misses and loves him. I cry a lot and in all honesty, I don't know what to do about the emotional toil it's had on me. The latest abuse I have received from him is insane name-calling, when I broke up with him three weeks ago, because he was playfully trying to choke me (it hurt, it freaked me out and I didn't ask for it). Also, he would do mind games on me ALL the time, interrogating me, accusing me of cheating/lying, etc. It was horrible. He humiliated me in public. He would put me down and my accomplishments.

 

The name-calling via text messaging was really atrocious. If someone has advice on how to deal with cruel and mean words, I would really appreciate it. I have moments when I am suicidal, but I am waiting to get consistent therapy for free, which isn't helping because I wish I could talk to someone right now (I can't afford to pay for therapy right now).

 

By the way, I am an intelligent woman, who shouldn't put up with this kind of behavior, I was not abused when I was young, but, I really thought this relationship was "love" for me because he was amazing the first one or two months. I also lost my virginity to the person. It was hell to break loose and still is.

[LittleTiger]

The name-calling via text messaging was really atrocious. If someone has advice on how to deal with cruel and mean words, I would really appreciate it.

 

If you're still getting nasty texts from him you can either ignore them, change your phone number or text back something appropriate - by that I mean something along the lines of - "I am not interested in your opinion of me or anything else you have to say so I suggest you stop wasting your phone credit". Respond differently from the way he is used to seeing you respond and you will confuse him.

 

Abusive men are like school bullies - the more upset you seem to get the more they'll do it. Remember that he is the one with the problem. So, even if you are upset, pretend you're not. Don't listen to the content of anything he says and learn to cut off your emotions whenever he contacts you.

 

Some ways you can do this are:

 

1. Imagine you have a big pair of scissors in your brain and use them to sever your emotions as soon as you hear or see anything nasty from him.

 

2. Think about something that is either soothing or has no emotional content for you - stroking your pet, lying on a beach soaking up the sun or a car, a chair, a tree - anything that will help you disconnect.

 

3. Imagine him locked inside a soundproof box - he can rant and rave to his hearts content and say whatever he wants but you can't hear him -make the box solid wood or metal and you won't be able to see him either.

 

4. Imagine yourself in a protective cocoon that he can't penetrate - you can feel safe and protected, you can't hear him and he can't touch you.

 

5. Imagine yourself as something strong or powerful, like an ancient oak tree or a lion, or something free like an eagle that can soar away any time it wants to.

 

These are just ideas and, if you think they sound silly or won't work for you, you can probably come up with better ones of your own.

 

Dealing with your emotional response to the abuser and taking control of your emotions is the only way to either stop the abuse or get out and stay out.