Was it hard for you to break your bond to the abuser

[kooki]

Hi Little Tiger,

 

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. However, with me, when he texts those nasty things raging at me, I always respond with "leave me alone" or "you need help". I have never raved back at him calling him names in return. Sometimes, he will bait me, he will text "I worry about you" and then when I return his text with "me too", the next one is a total nasty text "you heartless bitch, etc..etc..." So, last time he did that (he baited me), I called the police who apparently warned him not to get in touch with me.

 

So hopefully he won't. But, the hurt and pain is pretty bad anyway for me.

 

Thanks again for the suggestions. They help.

[LittleTiger]

Hi Little Tiger,

 

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. However, with me, when he texts those nasty things raging at me, I always respond with "leave me alone" or "you need help". I have never raved back at him calling him names in return. Sometimes, he will bait me, he will text "I worry about you" and then when I return his text with "me too", the next one is a total nasty text "you heartless bitch, etc..etc..." So, last time he did that (he baited me), I called the police who apparently warned him not to get in touch with me.

 

So hopefully he won't. But, the hurt and pain is pretty bad anyway for me.

 

Thanks again for the suggestions. They help.

 

I'm sorry for your pain kooki, you're in a tough place right now.

 

Not raving back is essential so well done for keeping yourself under control. Not becoming defensive is vital too and there are also a million other emotional states he will be trying to force you into.

 

You may not realise it but 'leave me alone' is defensive and, to him, means 'please stop, I don't like what you're doing'.

 

'You need help' is a veiled insult and tells him you think he's doing something bad and is crazy or ill - obviously he'll disagree but, more importantly, he'll take it as 'I don't like what you're doing' which, again, is defensive.

 

Both of these responses, plus 'me too' as you used it, are emotional responses and all of them are playing along with his game - it's exactly what he wants.

 

I hope he doesn't contact you again but, if he does and if you really must respond, have some answers ready that you've prepared in advance and which display zero emotion. Refuse to take the bait. No sarcasm, no insults, no asking him to stop, no mention of anything he's said - either no response or something completely neutral that gives no clue that you care one way or another.

 

It's not easy to do but it's a skill worth learning.

[betterdeal]

The name-calling via text messaging was really atrocious. If someone has advice on how to deal with cruel and mean words, I would really appreciate it. I have moments when I am suicidal, but I am waiting to get consistent therapy for free, which isn't helping because I wish I could talk to someone right now (I can't afford to pay for therapy right now).

 

You are in a very vulnerable state right now. To get out of that state, use the resources available to eliminate further harm being caused by him. You can:

 

1. Report these texts to the police. Abusive, obscene or threatening messages sent by telephone are a criminal offence in the UK. Not sure about other countries. Check with your local police force.

 

2. Change your mobile phone number. I changed mine yesterday. Took one phone call, was free and completed within an hour. This has given me a great sense of relief as I no longer have any niggling worries that a text or call is from my ex.

 

3. Do not respond. All communication with your ex prolongs your state of vulnerability.

 

Right now he is a toxic substance to you. Stop the toxic substance entering your soul and you will feel better.

 

I know it's easier said than done because we have complex feelings for all our significant objects. However, remember neither of you will get better if you continue to interact as you do. Stop putting the poison in and your system will be able to be cleared of poison.

 

This is psychological first aid for someone who has been subjected to a full blown psychological haemorrhage. Step away from the burny thing and shield yourself from it.

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[kooki]

Better Deal and Little Tiger, THANKS for the advice. I am dealing with it best way I can now. He has not been harassing me this week because I called the police. I am going to get a better therapist, it's really hard. But I feel better not being in touch with him. The bond is slowly breaking.