Broken heart-20 years of marriage and my wife has fallen out of love

[maineman]

This is my first time posting to anything like this but I feel so alone. I have been married for over 20 years with a wonderful wife and family and 2 great kids-a 9 year old with autism and a very active 5 year old. Over the last 6 months my wife has spent 4-6 hours a night on social networking sights and has basically stopped interacting with me entirely. She has found some new friends and all of a sudden has lost a lot of weight. At first I was supportive of her because she has never had many friends, but recently she told my she wasn't in love with me and would have left me a long time ago if it wasn't for the kids. I suggested counciling, but we tried it a few years back and she says it doesn't work. What do I do? I still love her but I cant go on in this situation living like roommates (no sex,no social interaction, wife sleeping downstairs) I havn't slept in 3 days and cant even think straight at work. I also dont have many friends to talk to. What do I do? I've never been so sad in my life.

[heartbroken301]

i was going through the same thing last year when she dropped that line on me , i tried everything to make it work , but please remember that at the end of the day it `s her and not you . Shes lost the weight cause shes un-attractive to you and probably found someone else.

 

I`ve been through thick and thin and stuck with her during the bad time , but believe me that does`t mean a thing to them at the time . Shes does`t love shes means she does`t love you .

 

All i can say too for now is too be strong and it does get better , focus on yourself and just do the 180 thingy.

[Idalis]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Is there any way you can do the counseling for yourself to get help in dealing with all the emotions you are feeling?

[hopesndreams]

This is my first time posting to anything like this but I feel so alone. I have been married for over 20 years with a wonderful wife and family and 2 great kids-a 9 year old with autism and a very active 5 year old. Over the last 6 months my wife has spent 4-6 hours a night on social networking sights and has basically stopped interacting with me entirely. She has found some new friends and all of a sudden has lost a lot of weight. At first I was supportive of her because she has never had many friends, but recently she told my she wasn't in love with me and would have left me a long time ago if it wasn't for the kids. I suggested counciling, but we tried it a few years back and she says it doesn't work. What do I do? I still love her but I cant go on in this situation living like roommates (no sex,no social interaction, wife sleeping downstairs) I havn't slept in 3 days and cant even think straight at work. I also dont have many friends to talk to. What do I do? I've never been so sad in my life.

 

Agreed. You can't go on like this.

 

She has GIGS. Grass is Greener Syndrome. Since it has been going on for 6 months, chances are she has either met up with someone from the internet or has been carrying on with someone from work. You did get the "I'm not in love with you" line, which could mean her new relationship has turned physical.

 

Investigate. If you want to fight for your M, or not, find out who the enemy is, you need facts in order to figure out what YOU want.

 

If you aren't coping, visit the family doc, get something to take the edge off.

[worlybear]

Yep. I think she's met someone, too.

Try and get her to talk to you- at least then you'll know whether she intends to stay or not-or if you even want her to. The situation you are in is awful and is not healthy for you.

DO NOT MOVE OUT. Go and see a lawyer/solicitor and find out where you stand re children and house.

If you are struggling at work, go and see your doc and get some time off. Also consider personal counselling if she won't go with you.

There is no easy fix but just remember that we are all here for you and have been in similar situations. Keep posting. Hugs.:bunny:

[maineman]

Thanks so much for the support. It helps so much to just talk about things. My wife does not want to talk about anything-too interested in her ipad and iphone and is off in her own world. I have an appointment with a therapist later this month. hopefully that will help. I have got to do something-no sleep for three days straight. I think I just need to give her her space now and stop trying to talk to her as this only seems to irritate her. She wants to go off on a trip to South America by herself next month-I told her to go for it. As far as trying to get more information, she has been so secretive this year-password protecting her phone, ipad and computer. My mind is just racing. I have built my entire life around my family and I still love here. The pain is too much to bear.

[goingstrong]

She wants to go off on a trip to South America by herself next month-I told her to go for it. As far as trying to get more information, she has been so secretive this year-password protecting her phone, ipad and computer.

 

Over the last 6 months my wife has spent 4-6 hours a night on social networking sights and has basically stopped interacting with me entirely. She has found some new friends and all of a sudden has lost a lot of weight

 

Maineman, sorry to tell you, but it is glaringly obvious that she has met someone else on her social networking site and wants out of the marriage. He may or may not be in SA, but if you let her go on a trip anywhere, she will turn her EA that she is in right now, to a PA, which then means a 99% chance your marriage is over. You gotta do the 180, and lay down the law about going anywhere without you.

[Surfer203]

This vacation has GOT to be with another man. Most people don't go on vacations alone. My wife pulled the same s*** with her phone. She constantly was using it, texting or emailing the OM. She would bring her phone up to bed and put it on the bedside table and she would bring her phone in to the bathroom to play music while she showered. She NEVER let go of that phone for fear that I would see something I shouldn't. One day, I got it when she was in the bathroom but there was nothing incriminating on it at the time. Something is certainly up.. my wife too limited social interactions and sex did no exist anymore. She started sleeping in a seperate bed and would not kiss me fully. It is upsetting but you need to continue to go to work. Work will keep you occupied for most of the day and that is important. Even for me.. I am 5.5 weeks into my wife leaving.. I am still sad and still think about her during the work day, but if I was staying at home not doing anything I would probably go crazy. Good luck to you. Start doing things for yourself, make some new friends, join a gym, take up a hobby. It is your life too!

[What_Next]

You already know she has met someone, that is obvious. This "trip" is also to see this person. She is deep inside an affair fog right now.

 

You have only one chance to help yourself, research the 180 and do it. Do it NOW.

 

Life that fog, expose her affair to the light of day. Dig, get her passwords somehow, get access to her cell bill.

 

Good luck and keep posting for support.

[Gunny376]

She's having at the very least and emotional affair if not a physical affair ~ or one on the verge of turning into one.

 

I would suggest you forget about her and let her go on about her business and her affairs and take pro-active steps to do what is best for you and your children and you and their future and best interest.

 

Take a Fool's Advice and from someone who's been there and done that.

 

I would let her go on her so-called "Vacation!" Hell I'd even pay for it!

 

But while she was gone I would be 'setting the stage' and blind-side her with a divorce petition, court date, seeking full custody, and possession of any and all martial assets.

 

I would even play the "I want a restraining and eviction order ~ because I feel endangered for my children and I." gambit.

 

When it comes to this sort of thing and divorce? There's only two kinds ~ ugly and uglier!

 

She's not only in "affair fog" mode she's practically delusional in that if at forty-something ~ she thinks she's going to replace a devoted husband and father of her two children of twenty years with someone new?

 

Oh she'll have no problem find herself someone new, and then someone else, and then someone else and then someone else.

 

Each time she'll move further and further down the food chain until she ends up with a "bottom feeder" the lowest of the low.

 

I've literally have studied through experience and reading ~ and have seen it time and time again.

 

I've got it down to almost a mathematical equation?

 

Its hard finding someone who your not only compatible with but who complements you and you they?

 

Someone who is willing to invest an enormous amount of time, effort, energy, hard work, and even money ~ who is willing to put up with, deal with, tolerate, and even choke down on your crap and baggage and you theirs.

 

And we all have crap and baggage that we bring into any and each relationship?

 

Most often than not? Its not going to last.

 

I can tell you personally speaking ~ having been married and in another LTR of six and half years? I would be very hesitant to get myself involved (Tangled up with) someone who has young children? Especially if one of them had autism? (Sorry ~ not my intention to offend)

 

You think raising children is expensive and hard? Try raising and dealing with someone else's.

 

The simple fact of the matter is that 'relationships' are easy to get into, can be difficult to maintain (and for you younger one's that's a daily maintenance thing) and more-often-than not? Damn hard to get out of.

 

The main reason marriages and relationships fail?

 

Because people, both men and women (more so men than women IMHO) don't know how to make marriage work? They don't know how to daily manage and nurture relationships.

 

Men think "Hey in so long as I don't cheat, hang out to much with "tha boys" drink, gamble away, snort up my nose the rent / mortgage? In so long as I'm a hard worker, hold a steady job and I'm a good "provider? I'm a good husband!"

 

Eeeeeeeek! Wrong answer!

 

You've got to date your mate!

 

What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her!

 

And the sad truth of the matter is?

 

Even sometimes that's not enough!

 

You could the best looking, richest guy in the world and it still wouldn't be enough!

 

You could be the most romantic, sweetest, nicest, most thoughtful. considerate guy there ever was?

 

And still end up where your at?

 

You should be less concerned about your wife her EA and / or PA affair, your marriage and more concerned with damage control!

 

Because as bad as it is and may seem to be? I'm here to STAND UP AND TESTIFY that it can and will go from bad to worse in Mississippi Minute!

 

Sorry but IMHO? The only difference between your marriage and the Titanic?

 

The Titanic still had a band playing "My Heart Bleeds For You" as she went down and under the waves!

Edited December 2, 2010 by Gunny376

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

Therapists have cancellations. In fact, if you're flexible, a therapist could fit you in this week. Is this time in your life worth being flexible with your schedule? Up to you.

 

How do you wish to proceed? Do you want to gather facts and, if negative, skewer her with them? Do you want a rancorous, contested divorce? There are two children in the mix, one special needs. Where do you want to set the boundaries for this?

 

Having done the 'good guy' divorce and being permissive, unhealthily so, in my M, I can see value in the other approaches offered here on LS. If you're prepared to walk that, the aggressive and assertive path, it could work for you. No one knows your W and your M better than you. What her buttons are, what your M dynamic is like.

 

If your username is indicative of location, that's quite a vacation she's proposing. Is that out of the ordinary for her? Others have suggested it is to meet with another man. If she doesn't normally travel to that region, that's a pretty good assumption.

 

 

Here's something to think about. What's your biggest fear, right here and right now? Don't answer immediately. Reflect upon your M and where you are right now and all the potential paths in front of you. Each path has its unique fears. Accepting fear can be an impetus to moving forward. We'll be here to support you along the path, whichever one you choose. Best wishes

[Gunny376]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

Therapists have cancellations. In fact, if you're flexible, a therapist could fit you in this week. Is this time in your life worth being flexible with your schedule? Up to you.

 

How do you wish to proceed? Do you want to gather facts and, if negative, skewer her with them? Do you want a rancorous, contested divorce? There are two children in the mix, one special needs. Where do you want to set the boundaries for this?

 

Having done the 'good guy' divorce and being permissive, unhealthily so, in my M, I can see value in the other approaches offered here on LS. If you're prepared to walk that, the aggressive and assertive path, it could work for you. No one knows your W and your M better than you. What her buttons are, what your M dynamic is like.

 

If your username is indicative of location, that's quite a vacation she's proposing. Is that out of the ordinary for her? Others have suggested it is to meet with another man. If she doesn't normally travel to that region, that's a pretty good assumption.

 

 

Here's something to think about. What's your biggest fear, right here and right now? Don't answer immediately. Reflect upon your M and where you are right now and all the potential paths in front of you. Each path has its unique fears. Accepting fear can be an impetus to moving forward. We'll be here to support you along the path, whichever one you choose. Best wishes

 

I balance this with saying that Carhil is an obviously intellegent, educated, compassionate soul. (IMHO)

 

I on the other hand being a retired Marine am more a "Scorched Earth" burn down the village to save it type of individual when it comes to such things as seperation/divorce.

 

So take my advice with a grain of salt.

[YellowShark]

People who have nothing to hide... hide nothing.

 

Since she has stopped interacting with you entirely, is now online all the time "social networking," and is passwording her phone that never leaves her side, it is obvious she is having an affair. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

My EX used to leave her phone on the table by the door unprotected. Until she started to have an affair. Then it never left her side.. AND she was online all the time "social networking" too. Trust me. She's cheating. Sorry to say that but I am only letting you know what I experienced maineman.

 

You need to look out for #1 now, and that's you and the kids maineman. Your wife seems to have decided to become an "Enemy of the State" and sounds like she has definitely left the reservation.

 

Sorry to hear about this, best of luck.

[maineman]

I feel so much better just talking about my situation. Thanks for all the support. I do want to add that I asked her if there was someone else but she denied it. I was able to schedule an App't with my doctor today. I have got to get some help-This constant anxiety and insomnia is eating me alive.

[maineman]

One more thing. I looked up on all the blogs she posts and noticed she has pictures of her and the kids. No mention or picture of her husband. Also, the picture she posts of herself is when she was in college more than 28 years ago. Is that normal?

[carhill]

Also, the picture she posts of herself is when she was in college more than 28 years ago. Is that normal?

 

For a MLC, sure, sounds about right.

 

You might wish to peruse the posts and threads of a LS old-timer named 'Owl'. He successfully recovered his M from an EA and posts primarily in the infidelity and OW/OM forums. Here's a sample thread.

[Gunny376]

One more thing. I looked up on all the blogs she posts and noticed she has pictures of her and the kids. No mention or picture of her husband. Also, the picture she posts of herself is when she was in college more than 28 years ago. Is that normal?

 

MLC ~ Mid Life Crisis ~ She's trying to re-live her "Glory Days"

[hopesndreams]

One more thing. I looked up on all the blogs she posts and noticed she has pictures of her and the kids. No mention or picture of her husband. Also, the picture she posts of herself is when she was in college more than 28 years ago. Is that normal?

 

Yes, it's normal. She has detached from you. Most likely started a few years ago and instead of saying anything to you about it, she chose to keep it to herself and look for a way out of the M. Losing weight and chatting online. She met someone online and is getting ready to physically leave you. She has already left you emotionally. Only thing is, she won't leave you until there is someone else to take your place. Kinda like sticking at a job you don't like until you find a new one.

 

Are her plans in place with OM? Most likely not. Not yet! This gives you a window of opportunity to get her back from the other side, if you want to go that route. Doing the 180 could be very effective. Not only will it shake her up a bit, it will give you time to think about what you want/need in your life and whether or not it involves staying with a selfish cheat.

 

Here's the 180.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[maineman]

I never knew the despair a human heart is capable of. I will admit that if it wasn't for the kids, I didn't see the future in going on. But today, after seeing all the support from this community, I decided to do something about it for me. Not to try and please a wife who seems to have taken me granted all these years. I guess all I have been good for in her eyes is a good paycheck (and a quite nice one at that) . I talked about my situation with a few close co-workers after getting the courage up-which wasn't easy. You would not believe the amount of love and support that I got. I then made an emergency appointment to see my doctor and she was great. Got me on an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication and gave me unconditional support. Fast tracked me in with a therapist. I am hoping for the first good night of sleep in over 80 hours tonight with the slightest glimmer of hope. I can only control what I make of myself. I plan on doing that and now I'm not so scared about moving on if it comes to that. Thanks again to all. Further posts to follow to update on my journey.

[Surfer203]

Good for you man! You are taking your life back! That is fantastic! You are going to be fine, you nipped it in the butt, before it gets out of control. Next thing is starting taking care of yourself, eat good healthy food, excercise and try to get out of the house if you can find some one to watch your child. Keep going!

[Gunny376]

Understand that it can take as long as six months or even more for the AD's to kick in and take a hold.

 

That and your need to educate yourself about melatonin ~ the natural substance that our bodies create that regulates our sleep patterns.

 

As we age ~ our bodies creates less and less of it? You can find supplements in the vitamins and nutritional supplements part of your pharmacy / drug store. It comes in 5mg, 3mg. amd 3mmg (micromiliograms)

 

Its relative to your height and weight ~ I at 190 pounds and six foot one ~ generally take about 9 to 12 mg about a half hour before I plan to go to bed.

 

Its non-addictive, over the counter, and non-prescriptive.

 

Melatonin is sensitive to light ~ that is to say that even with your eyes closed light still penetrates through your eyelids. So once your eyes perceives light ~ your body quits producing sleep inducing melatonin.

 

With that in mind you want to COMPLETELY darken out your sleeping space so as there's not any light coming through ~ not even the LED from your alarm clock (cover it up hid it under the bed ~ whatever)

 

You also want to keep your sleeping relatively cool. But with plenty of bed comforts such as bed liners, down comforters and mattress covers, quality sheets, and pillows to include a "body pillow"

 

When it comes to comfort and sleeping? Don't skimp nor go cheap! Spend the extra dime for quality.

 

You also might want to invest in some fans ~ especially a ceiling fan. And while your at it go ahead and get one of those 'noise' machines that makes sounds like a rambling spring/brook, rain, seaside, rain.

 

I have all of these plus four fans surrounding my bed! Even though its winter here in Alabama. The fans not only cover and circulate the air? They cut down on the noise pollution from outside.

 

The single biggest thing you can do to help your quality of sleep is to DRAMATICALLY increase your physical activity ~ but do it gradually and after a checkup from your MD.

 

Understand the difference between aerobic and anti-aerobic exercise.

 

Aerobic exercise ~ Walking, jogging, running pumps oxygen into your body.

 

Anti-aerobic exercise ~ aka pumping iron, lifting weights, doing manual labor depletes it.

 

Ideally you should do this at the beginning of your sleep cycle ~ that is to say the first thing after you get up. Not at the end of your day.

 

 

Trust me when I was in the Marines ~ I never had a problem sleeping ~ its was only when I went through "my troubles" with the XHEX and feel off the "Program" that I started having problems with sleep ~ and in part that was due to aging (my body producing less melatonin as I aged) that I started having sleep problems.

 

Once I got back on the "Program" of DAILY getting exercise (both aerobic and anti-aerobic) along with the suggestions I posted above did I solve those problems with sleep.

 

Well that and eventually giving a rat's azz about the XHEX! :lmao:

 

I eventually got it trough my thick hard skull that being married to her was like dragging a dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go?

 

That she was more of a liability than she was an asset.

 

Thank God and Greyhound she's gone ~

 

The day she left?

 

Those big diesel engines were playing my song!

[chuzzbug]

I never knew the despair a human heart is capable of. I will admit that if it wasn't for the kids, I didn't see the future in going on.

 

I fully empathize with your position. I was in a similar situation for a long time - a limbo state in which I didn't know which way was up.

 

The reality is unwelcome and harsh. However, it is what it is and you can either chose to deal with it, or not. Trust me, it's better to deal with it. You will have to, one way or another, sooner or later, and it's best to get started as you mean to go.

 

The limbo state, in which I felt there could be a way back, was deeply painful, anxiety-inducing and volatile. Now that I'm out of that state, and in the state where there's no going back, only forward in my own life, a lot of the anxiety is gone, replaced by sadness, grief and mourning.

 

However, I know that each day will get slightly better, because I am out of the situation. This realization helps. The knowing that from today, whatever I do I do for myself and do so to strengthen my own position.

 

I know that your heart (and head) will grab onto things to find a glimmer of hope. Mine sure did and the phase eventually passed - I ran out of "hope energy". Create hope from within yourself, and you will eventually find this to be a much more stable state.

 

There are people going through all sorts of emotional and physical hell all around the world. While some generalities arise, such as things you can do to avoid succumbing into darkness, it's ultimately a time you must pass through on your own efforts. I know, it's unfair and the last thing you want. Reminds me of a quote - when you're in hell, keep going.

[Gunny376]

I fully empathize with your position. I was in a similar situation for a long time - a limbo state in which I didn't know which way was up.

 

The reality is unwelcome and harsh. However, it is what it is and you can either chose to deal with it, or not. Trust me, it's better to deal with it. You will have to, one way or another, sooner or later, and it's best to get started as you mean to go.

 

The limbo state, in which I felt there could be a way back, was deeply painful, anxiety-inducing and volatile. Now that I'm out of that state, and in the state where there's no going back, only forward in my own life, a lot of the anxiety is gone, replaced by sadness, grief and mourning.

 

However, I know that each day will get slightly better, because I am out of the situation. This realization helps. The knowing that from today, whatever I do I do for myself and do so to strengthen my own position.

 

I know that your heart (and head) will grab onto things to find a glimmer of hope. Mine sure did and the phase eventually passed - I ran out of "hope energy". Create hope from within yourself, and you will eventually find this to be a much more stable state.

 

There are people going through all sorts of emotional and physical hell all around the world. While some generalities arise, such as things you can do to avoid succumbing into darkness, it's ultimately a time you must pass through on your own efforts. I know, it's unfair and the last thing you want. Reminds me of a quote - when you're in hell, keep going.

 

Most excellent post BTW!

 

"When you're in hell, keep on going." was from a speech by FDR ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

[OliveOyl]

Hey. I was in your wife's position. Autistic child. Online relationship. Fell out of love with hubby. Etc. Etc.

 

She's definitely going to SA to see her online beau. No question about it. I was in "online affair" for a while, and I considered traveling. But I didn't.

 

In my case, our marriage unraveled, but it was unraveling quickly before any online activity started. The online activity just sealed the deal.

 

I hate to say it but the disability of our child was a huge (but not the only) component in the breakdown of our marriage. It was just a big snowball effect, a chicken-and-egg thing. Stress of difficult kid, no time alone, led to excess drinking on his part, excess anger, and complete emotional withdrawal, and with that I found solace in online communities. We were both very much at "fault."

 

We are now informally separated and heading towards a legal separation or divorce. Although it's sad, I think it is the best action. We had drifted apart significantly and were not supporting each other emotionally at all. It's really hard to say what has been the causative factor, it is more like a patchwork of factors.

 

Now, I finally woke up from the fog. I'm not the type of person to have huge regrets and bash myself (or my husband) for the unfolding of events. It was as it was. And it will be as it will be. But it will work out. I think actually *he* has a GF now. Just time to move on.

[maineman]

I woke up this am after 4 incredible hours of sleep-not much, but the most in four days. I like the idea of the 180 but how long does one do this. How long do I wait around for her to figure her life out. After talking to her some more, she said she needs to work on some of her own issues with her therapist. She hasn't ruled out a reconciliation, but did say she didn't know if she could get that "connection" back with me. It's odd living in the same house with the kids pretending everything is OK with them. How do you deal with the kids, going through something like this?