Broken heart-20 years of marriage and my wife has fallen out of love

[What_Next]

Maineman, I have asked my wife (username Donewrong) to read your thread and comment. She cheated in our marriage. She has the ba__s to come on here and talk about what she did.

 

I think another female perspective might help you.

 

From the male perspective having been where you are now, I would say that the 180 is your only choice. Now don't use it to come off cold and distant, but just begin to show her slowly that you are able to go on without her and in fact you would do just fine. Also once she starts to see a confident happy, man (the man she initially fell in love with) she will start to re-think things.

 

The kids, well that's a tough one. Right from the word go when Donewrong and I came to the crossroad (now at the time I DID NOT KNOW she was in an affair) we talked to our child. We told her that Mommy and Daddy were going through a rough patch and we would always love her, but we did not know the outcome. Some on here will tell you that was a mistake. I don't think it was. We also promised to keep her out of the situation in so far as shelter from her from any fighting, we tried but did not suceed... The age of the children and the communication you have with your wife will also determine this.

 

Stay the course, and I still believe you need to dig and expose what she is doing to the light of day. The hidden nature of it can be appealing, exciting as well. That changes when it becomes known.

[Philetus]

You're getting lots of good advice on this forum. Similar to what I got exactly one year ago when your situation happened to me.

 

Here are some things that helped me...

 

1 - Don't feel guilty. Your marriage is most likely over and perhaps you contributed to that by not actively working on your relationship but you aren't the one who gave up, who stepped outside your marriage. She did that.

 

2 - See a counselor and talk to friends. The thoughts that are in your head, how to win her back, how to prevent her from leaving, how to punish her.... those will drive you mad. Therapists have seen lots of people in your position and they have great insight and it helps. It saved me. During my darkest time a therapist told me, "every crisis presents opportunity, the trick is to find it". Having that kind of positive outlook helped me a lot.

 

3 - Take time to work on yourself. Allow yourself time to be selfish and work on yourself. I cannot overstate the importance of physical exercise. This was the other thing that saved me. Working out produces a natural high and during my worst time I would work out twice a day.

 

4 - Make a list of what TRULY matters to you. My list was my kids and my house, and then think about the best way to protect those things on your list. For me, I realized I had to work with my ex to protect these things. We're in the middle of our divorce now and are quite amicable. She's completely out of my life now (and I'm very happy about it) but we work together to protect those things that truly matter to the both of us.

 

5 - Embrace death. This helped me but I don't know if it will help you or not. Realize that in 100 years we'll all be dead and none of this matters. It helped me put my situation in perspective. Sure it sucks but there are people far worse off than I was.

 

6 - Conquer your fear. I realized that the main reason I was hurting was that I was terrified of the future without my wife. We had kids, a home and we'd planned for the future. I also thought no one else would ever love me and I'd be alone. I started dating immediately (not for everyone I know) and it showed me that I was attractive and I could get someone else. Once I started dating, I was fine.

 

My year...

 

As I said, this started for me exactly one year ago. For three months, I fought to get my wife back. It was the worst time of my life but ultimately I accepted that she was sleeping with another man and I could either wallow in that, try to punish her (and in the process punish my children and lose my house in a messy divorce), or I could accept it and move forward.

 

I chose to move forward. In March I began dating and sleeping with other women (the first time in 20 years). It turned out the world had changed a lot in that time and casual sex was pretty easy to come by. By July, I'd had a number of relationships and three women had told me they loved me. At our age, my friend, men are the hot commodities.

 

In August, I met an amazing woman whom I'm still with and we now live together. We're very much in love with each other, we do everything together, and have sex every day.

 

I am the happiest I have been in more than a decade. My marriage ending was the best thing that happened to me since the birth of my daughter - no joke.

 

I don't know how things will turn out for you but realize that if your marriage ends, it's the end of a chapter of your life and you can get on with writing a new, exciting chapter. This may be for you, the greatest thing that's happened in years. I know right now you're hurting a lot and all you want is your life back but the alternative can ultimately bring you a lot of joy.

 

Good luck.

[Donewrong]

Maineman. I was the cheater and your wife is doing exactly what I did! I'm sorry to say that if it hasn't gotten physical it will!

Take my advice on the vacation. Tell her no! Tell her she can't go on vacation without you! Tell her that if you go - no phones or computers!

Tell her you think she is having an affair and if she don't want the locks changed when she gets back to end it with him and provide you with access to her phone and computer logs. She will deny the affair but dont give up. Stand your ground. If shes says she's not tell her to prove it! Open book! She needs a shake...or a swift kick in the @ss. Take it from experience...shake her!

[willowthewisp]

You can't see this now, but this women has very little respect for you, to be with you for 20 years and then do this! All she had to do was communicate with you. Is that too much to ask in a marriage? The more I read stories like this and I went through something similar after 20 years too, the more I am disgusted with the way some people behave and the fact they think it's OK.

 

I know you want to salvage this right now and so I won't suggest you kick her a** out, but that's what I feel like saying. (I want to use bad language here, she's doing this to her children as well as you and stringing you along to boot urgh).

[maineman]

Ever since our first child was diagnosed with autism at age 2, our life has revolved around making sure he gets all the help he can get. Unfortunately, my wife did this 100% with total effort. When a woman does this, the husband just becomes a bystander in the marriage. I work 50-70 hours a week and she's upset that I haven't read the 30 books on autism that she has. I am exhausted when I get home, but the "AUTISM" has taken over her life for the last 7 years. I feel guilty just wanting a little attention or affection, but I can see that this has been her only mission for the last few years. She volunteered to quit her job when we got the diagnosis, and now seems resentful that she gave up her career and identity. Somehow she blames me for alot of this. What was I supposed to do? Someone has to pay the bills. I only want the best for my kids, but there has to be a balance in life I think.

The problem now is that my son will not deal well with anything approaching a separation. I am extremely worried about this. My 5 year old is also very sensitive and I dont think he will adjust well either. I just dont know what to do long term, as long as there is a possibility of her falling back in love with me. Aqain, she has denied any affair going on and says all she is doing is talking to moms online with autistic kids. But why all the secrecy and passwords if that is all that is going on. It's going to be a rough 6 weeks waining for these antidepressants to kick in. Still feel so alone.

[trippi1432]

Ever since our first child was diagnosed with autism at age 2, our life has revolved around making sure he gets all the help he can get. Unfortunately, my wife did this 100% with total effort. When a woman does this, the husband just becomes a bystander in the marriage. I work 50-70 hours a week and she's upset that I haven't read the 30 books on autism that she has. I am exhausted when I get home, but the "AUTISM" has taken over her life for the last 7 years. I feel guilty just wanting a little attention or affection, but I can see that this has been her only mission for the last few years. She volunteered to quit her job when we got the diagnosis, and now seems resentful that she gave up her career and identity. Somehow she blames me for alot of this. What was I supposed to do? Someone has to pay the bills. I only want the best for my kids, but there has to be a balance in life I think.

The problem now is that my son will not deal well with anything approaching a separation. I am extremely worried about this. My 5 year old is also very sensitive and I dont think he will adjust well either. I just dont know what to do long term, as long as there is a possibility of her falling back in love with me. Aqain, she has denied any affair going on and says all she is doing is talking to moms online with autistic kids. But why all the secrecy and passwords if that is all that is going on. It's going to be a rough 6 weeks waining for these antidepressants to kick in. Still feel so alone.

 

Hi Maineman - sorry for what you are going through, I know it has to be rough. I felt compelled to comment as one of my Director's at work has a child with autism and he and I have talked at length about it. He and his wife are very dedicated and active members of the Autism Society. She too, quit her career (very educated and smart lady) to care for their son.

 

What I find interesting about your post here is that you say that your wife took over 100% and you felt like a bystander. Notably, you may have felt like a bystander when it came to direct care for your son, but I see that you also show that you were working hard to get to that financial level of comfort a man feels he needs to get to so he can provide for a family with medical issues. That is understandable; however, where you may be now is a little resentment on both sides of the house. Perhaps a feeling of little respect for what you have both sacrificed for the family.

 

I'm not going to come out and say that your wife has probably found someone online and is looking for an affair, I don't think it is fair to make assumptions and only feeds the fear which is not conducive to working out the marriage....especially in cases such as yours when there are children with medical issues. That is a time when both partners need to support each other for the children involved. What I will say is that it sounds as if she has found a very supportive group of people online that understand her emotions of what she is going through in being the caregiver...maybe even women who are going through caring for an autistic child alone or are going through the emotions of an emotionally non-supportive spouse. Not saying that you are non-supportive, but perhaps she feels that she needs something more from you....no different than your own feelings of needing more attention and affection from her.

 

You mention the books on autism that you have not had time to read and how it has taken over her life. Most certainly it has, just as your 50 - 70 hours at work have taken up yours. It sounds as if the two of you have allowed the autism to come between you and have forgotten what the two of you loved about each other before the diagnosis. That happens frequently in a situations like that. I'm sure you have already discussed this with your counselor.

 

A lot of what you will find on this forum may sound very much like the things your fear needs to hear, but I do hope that you can keep things in perspective. Unfortunately, depression can become a very selfish tool in the midst of recovering a marriage...hopefully with counseling and your medications, you will be able to move beyond that. I would suggest that if you have time to come here to LS, you probably also have time to check out the Autism Society website and message boards elsewhere online...you can find them using any search method. There you may find the type of support you need for couples going through rough times and dealing with an autistic child....not sure many here have that same experience.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[maineman]

Thanks so much for the advice of all, esp. the last post. This has been one of the darkest weeks of my life, but I think you have to go through the dark tunnel before you can see the light. I have done alot of self introspection and have come to the conclusion that my two wonderful kids are the most important things to me in my life right now. I am going to concentrate on being the best father in the world to them. My wife is on her own journey, and sometimes that is what is necessary before you realize that the life you have isn't so bad. I can only work on making myself a better person. I still love my wife and am here for her if she wants. For sure, we are going to need a good marriage councilor if she wants to try to make it work. Either way, I cherish the 20 years my wife gave me and the gift of 2 great kids. Thanks again to all.