Mixed feelings about leaving my SO.....

[dk.bnz.chi]

why don't u go and f..k a few b...s,tell ur stupid wife and see how she'll feel about that. i bet she will be amazed

[UofLCards]

why don't u go and f..k a few b...s,tell ur stupid wife and see how she'll feel about that. i bet she will be amazed

 

 

Two wrongs dont make a right in my eyes bro. She will be the one that will eventually be the cause of tearing this relationship apart, not me. I'll let her live that one down and be fine with myself, no need to get revenge.

 

The revenge will come, but in the form of her finding out what she had and what she let go. Thats all the revenge I need.

[UofLCards]

Well, went to the rehab on Saturday to see my SO and didnt have to say anything. Just sat and listened, thank god. But I wont be going back to visit again. If you want to visit someone a second time you have to go to a Al-Anon meeting or a Concerned Persons meeting of some sort and bring proof that you attended which I am not doing.

 

Anyways, I have thought about it and thought about it and need some advice. I have not yet talked to my lawyer and informed him that my SO was court ordered to attend rehab and he does not know about the second DUI arrest. All he knows about is her 1 DUI and her 2 AI arrests. During our meeting he layed out the gameplan. He told me that I should have him file a temp. custody order for the kids BEFORE i pack up my things and move out. Then once the order is filed I should try and wait until she is not home and move out my belongings. Then the order would be issued to her.

 

My question was I wonder IF I made up my mind to pack up my things and leave while she is still in rehab if they would issue the temp. custody order to her while she is in rehab or wait until she came home? I still am on the fence about leaving now or giving her this "one last chance" but just wondered how it would work if I did leave her while she was in rehab.

[FreeNow]

My question was I wonder IF I made up my mind to pack up my things and leave while she is still in rehab if they would issue the temp. custody order to her while she is in rehab or wait until she came home? I still am on the fence about leaving now or giving her this "one last chance" but just wondered how it would work if I did leave her while she was in rehab.

 

They will issue it while she's in rehab. Temporary custody is important as it pertains to the children so it doesn't matter if she is in rehab or Siberia. It's not about her.

 

Give her too many 'chances', which she doesn't give a damn about anyway, and your children might end up in someone's custody other than the parents. It's only going to take one mandated reporter, family member, the OM or his family, or *anybody* to feel that these children are at risk and you'll be in the system of the local child welfare agency.

 

Face it, she had enough chances. It's now time to give the children the chance that they need. If you give her more chances then you are choosing the adult's selfish and destructive CHOSEN behavior over the legitimate NEEDS of the children. You aren't helping your W by this enabling and you are risking the welfare of the children. Since she isn't taking responsibility like an adult, it's time for you to step up to your duty to them.

 

Please do the right thing by them. Get them out of this environment.

[fltc]

I have not yet talked to my lawyer and informed him that my SO was court ordered to attend rehab and he does not know about the second DUI arrest.

<snip>

My question was I wonder IF I made up my mind to pack up my things and leave while she is still in rehab if they would issue the temp. custody order to her while she is in rehab or wait until she came home?

 

Talk to him AT ONCE! Maybe print some of this thread out for him to read?

 

As to your question, ask your lawyer and Do EXACTLY WHAT HE TELLS YOU TO DO! If there is any question about anything, ASK HIM!

 

You're paying him to save your financial butt and get custody of your children, help him by following his advice!

[FreeNow]

^^^ THAT! ^^^

 

fltc hit the nail right on the head. UofLCards, that is what you need to do right away.

[UofLCards]

I am going to call and talk to my lawyer on Thursday. He is always out of the office on Wednesday as he has court all day on Wednesday.

 

I agree with EVERYTHING you guys are saying. I also know that the kids are the main concern here. Why is it though that I keep thinking she will change? Why is it that when one minute I am ready to leave, pack my things up and go and the next I'm here thinking, "It would kill me for her to be ordered by a temp. custody order, that I filed for, for her to not be able to see her kids on Christmas". I know, I know. I need to just man up and let her face her the music for her past actions and decisions. I realize that. But we have so much history. The kids love her. I just want the old her back. Sad thing is that I know that girl is gone. And I need to move on..........but cant find the strength.

 

She called today from rehab and told me that she wont be getting out until "at least" the 15th of December. And at the latest the 22nd of December.

[FreeNow]

..........but cant find the strength.

 

Arguably, the most strength came from focusing on the children. When they told me how they couldn't take any more; she became a threat to their safety. Right then I stopped ruminating & romanticizing how I remembered her and wishing for behavior we all wanted from her. It was apparent that she would destroy them, me, and even her own self in her race to the bottom of life.

 

Short answer: I found my strength when I realized that she was the greatest threat to our children.

 

Find your strength... they need you.

[Eye of Hourus]

I am going to call and talk to my lawyer on Thursday. He is always out of the office on Wednesday as he has court all day on Wednesday.

 

I agree with EVERYTHING you guys are saying. I also know that the kids are the main concern here. Why is it though that I keep thinking she will change? Why is it that when one minute I am ready to leave, pack my things up and go and the next I'm here thinking, "It would kill me for her to be ordered by a temp. custody order, that I filed for, for her to not be able to see her kids on Christmas". I know, I know. I need to just man up and let her face her the music for her past actions and decisions. I realize that. But we have so much history. The kids love her. I just want the old her back. Sad thing is that I know that girl is gone. And I need to move on..........but cant find the strength.

 

 

 

She called today from rehab and told me that she wont be getting out until "at least" the 15th of December. And at the latest the 22nd of December.

 

Uofl,

 

You must get temp orders cut for custody thursday!

 

To make sure your SO does get to see the kids in the safest environment insist that due to her problems with alcohol etc. she only have supervised visitation. You don't want her tearing off with kids in tow whilst DUI ok.

 

Tell your Lawyer about the DUI's and the court ordered rehab etc.

 

The Eye

 

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz.

[UofLCards]

Well, the ball is rolling.

 

I went to my lawyer on Monday and we filed for emergency custody. He filed an ex parte order but we still had to show up for court on Tuesday since it was so close to Xmas. The judge wanted to make sure that we had a gameplan in line for Xmas with this order in place. She wanted to make sure the kids Xmas was the best it could be without all the drama. My SO was supposed to show for court but after trying to contact her and even leaving a message for her to be in court at 2:30 that day, she still did not show. She had went to a bar the night before which is when I got my things and moved out. My guess is that she stayed gone all night and then went somewhere and passed out drunk and didnt even come home until after court started. The judge passed the emergency order and we now have a court date set for the temporary custody.

 

I am nervous as ever. I havent ever been through this before and dont know what to expect or how to prepare myself for this. Can anyone fill me in with what to expect or tips on how I can prepare myself so I wont go in unprepared? Any tips would help.

 

Pray for me guys! My kids need me!

Edited December 23, 2010 by UofLCards
spacing

[wicar1]

I appreciate all of your responses. I am just lost on what to do. Like I said my mind tells me to just leave and be done but my heart tells me that I still love her and want to give her one last chance after she gets out of rehab. I know thats wrong but I can't seem to let her go very easily.

 

Still doubts? She's a not worthy b****. Why dont you divorce her?

 

Dude, what if that one last chance you gonna give your wife's gonna put the lives of your children in danger? Are you gonna GAMBLE with the lives of your children? Are you 100% sure she will not do it again? Accept it she's nothing closer to a normal mother if she's gonna raise your kids then lord be with them.

 

The first time she did it...she is to be blamed.. but if it happens another time then my friend you are responsible for whatever happens because you..knew she wont change much, yet you took her back.

 

Think about your kids, what's safe for them...Your heart is so hurt it will make you move in the wrong path. use your BRAIN my friend.

 

Good luck !!!

[wicar1]

Well, the ball is rolling.

 

I went to my lawyer on Monday and we filed for emergency custody. He filed an ex parte order but we still had to show up for court on Tuesday since it was so close to Xmas. The judge wanted to make sure that we had a gameplan in line for Xmas with this order in place. She wanted to make sure the kids Xmas was the best it could be without all the drama. My SO was supposed to show for court but after trying to contact her and even leaving a message for her to be in court at 2:30 that day, she still did not show. She had went to a bar the night before which is when I got my things and moved out. My guess is that she stayed gone all night and then went somewhere and passed out drunk and didnt even come home until after court started. The judge passed the emergency order and we now have a court date set for the temporary custody.

 

I am nervous as ever. I havent ever been through this before and dont know what to expect or how to prepare myself for this. Can anyone fill me in with what to expect or tips on how I can prepare myself so I wont go in unprepared? Any tips would help.

 

Pray for me guys! My kids need me!

Good luck..

Edited December 23, 2010 by wicar1

[FreeNow]

Pray for me guys! My kids need me!

 

I've only a moment to post so I can't help you out with your other request. However, I most certainly can and will include you and your children in my prayers.

 

Stay the course, you're doing fine.

[controlledchaos]

you can do this!!! i know you can! with their mom being absent so much so far you have been the care provider and you've been doing it!!

 

will it get nasty and hard?? it might. but, remember what she is CHOOSING! she is NOT choosing her children. she is NOT choosing to be a healthy parent and a healthy role model for HER CHILDREN!! she is only choosing herself. what she wants to do, what makes her happy and feel good. she'll find herself back on house arrest, back in rehab. think about those things and how YOU are the one providing stability for your kids. YOU are their life preserver! YOU are taking care of them, loving them, meeting their needs. YOU are their HERO!!

 

i have been living alone, with my 5 kids, for almost a year now. i was terrified in the beginning, even though i had been doing this alone for many years now. but, once he was not here i realized how little changed. what i did notice the most was how little DRAMA i had to deal with. i could focus on me and the kids and make sure they were cared for and loved as much as humanly possible.

 

christmas will be hard, but just think about how much harder it would be on everyone with a drunken woman who thinks sleeping around and skipping out on their family is a GOOD choice!!!!

 

hang in there. you'll get through this. just take it day by day, minute by minute. it will get better. (((HUGS)))

[Breakupguy12]

Ok. Dont know where to start but here goes.

 

Some of you might remember my story. It is a drama story that's for sure. And I know that I should have left here ALONG time ago but I'm still here.

 

Here goes.

 

I have been in a relationship with my SO now for 9 years. We have three kids together but are not married. She has came clean about cheating on me before and said she was done only for me to find out that she is still seeing this guy. She now says she is done with him but I dont think she is. He still calls my house, she still acts suspcious, and most of all I have my gut feeling that she is still seeing him.

 

My SO has causes alot of stress for me in my life. Especially ever since bringing this OM into our lifes. She has gotten 2 DUI's and 2 AI's while seeing this OM. He has taken her down the wrong path. Me, being the kind hearted person that I am was always there to pick her up from her mistakes. And sadly I still am here to this day. I just can't seem to let her go. Just a month ago she was ordered to be put on HIP (House Arrest) because of the 2nd DUI. I was there to pay for the HIP and take care of her while she was on HIP. Then after she got off HIP she was also ordered to go to a rehab here in town for 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 weeks, which is where she is right now at this moment. My parents hint around that I should just get my stuff while she is at rehab, file for temp. custody of our kids, and move on with my life but they wont just come out and tell me their feelings about it they just beat around the bush on the matter. They dont want to make my decision and then later on me decide that was the wrong decision and I stay mad at them because of it. I know deep down inside that is what I should do. I should grab my things and move out and move on with my life but I just cant get up the strength to do it. I know that it's the right thing to do but why cant I do it? I feel sorry for her when I know I shouldnt. What is the reason I can't just move on and move out while she is gone?

 

There's nothing wrong with having compassion for her, it's natural, heck, you've been together for 9 years. Anyone that says they could walk away easily from someone that they love and that needs their help may not truly be human.

 

Our intuition rarely lies to us. You already know what you need to do, you said it above yourself. Only you can dig deep to find the courage to do it. Who knows, maybe the stress from having two men in her life is causing some of the stress that she attempts to alleviate by drinking? Perhaps cutting things off will be hard for all parties, but will actually help things down the line? Don't quote me on that, but you never know. I don't know her personally, so it's unfair for me to suggest that as truth.

 

Have you had a conversation with her and explained to her what you've explained to us? In the end, communication with her about how you feel is what you need to do. Talking on here is good for ideas, but it's her that you need to communicate with ultimately.

[UofLCards]

Well,

 

Have to be in court next Tuesday for the temp. custody hearing. Dont really know what to expect. This is the first time I have been through anything like this.

 

 

Pray for me guys. My kids need it.

[UofLCards]

I just wanted to encourage you to get into family counseling with your kids if you can afford it. Sounds like you will get custody, and my guess is she will get supervised visitation. This is going to hard on the kids if she were the primary caregiver before.

 

Obviously your SO is an alcoholic who has failed rehab. I don't know what else to say about that other than get her to a psychiatrist with expertise in treating substance abuse if she has health insurance. Alcoholism and drug addiction are hard mental illnesses to treat. And yes, they are mental illnesses. And she may have other underlying mental illnesses, like depression that needs to be treated.

 

 

BTW - what is an AI?

 

 

An AI is like a Public Intoxication arrest. She was arrested twice on those type of arrests.

 

Also, she was not the primary caregiver for our children. She rarely even watched our kids. If it wasnt me that was caring for them it was my parents. Our kids think of my parents house (the place where I am currently living) as their home. They know that something is going on that is different since I have moved in over here at my parents but their lifestyle has not really changed in the slightest. They spent most of their upbringing at my parents anyways. I tried to keep them away from my SO's lifestyle as much as possible. She was not a good influence on them at all.

 

It is my guess that she does also have other mental illnesses other than just the alcohol and drugs. That includes depression, and possibly bipolar disorder, etc.

 

Would the family counseling still be needed since the kids show no signs of any change in their attitude or behavior?

 

Also, what can I expect or how can I prepare for these custody hearings? Any advice?

[Duckduckgoose]

Wow UofLCards... you are a man that any good woman would love to have as a husband. All through this situation you have kept your head on straight, and though there are times you were wavering (from what you've posted that is) you aren't afraid to do what is right and ask when you're not sure what is right.

 

If your SO doesn't see this turn of events as an opportunity to straighten her life out, there is a woman out there that is going to be very lucky to be with you and get to help raise your children. You are doing the right thing.

[UofLCards]

Wow UofLCards... you are a man that any good woman would love to have as a husband. All through this situation you have kept your head on straight, and though there are times you were wavering (from what you've posted that is) you aren't afraid to do what is right and ask when you're not sure what is right.

 

If your SO doesn't see this turn of events as an opportunity to straighten her life out, there is a woman out there that is going to be very lucky to be with you and get to help raise your children. You are doing the right thing.

 

Thanks. Its just sad that my SO took advantage of what she had.

 

Pray for me guys. My kids need it.

[Distant78]

Thanks. Its just sad that my SO took advantage of what she had.

 

Pray for me guys. My kids need it.

 

Don't worry man. Everything will be fine. A lot of betrayed husbands never stand up for themselves and end up settling. You're one of the few who are standing up for themselves. Just keep taking care of yourself so you can be there for the kids and you'll find someone really special.

[UofLCards]

 

 

The bottom line is that custody hearings are about what is in the best interest of the children. You and your lawyer tell the judge your position on why it is in the best interest of the children for you to have sole custody. You have made a pretty strong case for that here on this thread. I would only talk about the affair in the custody hearing to the extent it is relevant to her ability to parent or the welfare of the children. For instance, if she left a young child alone in the house when she went off to meet the guy or if she were dating someone who does drugs that could be relevant if she is bringing the children around him. Ask your lawyer what details of the affair would be relevant.

 

Obviously the DUIs and the alcoholism are relevant to the best interest of the children. And so is the issue of who is the primary caregiver - you and your parents. If allowed, I would ask your parents to attend the hearing. But ask your lawyer if that is allowed. The reason to have them there is because of their role as caregivers to the children. It sounds like they have the children a lot of the time and so they would have first hand knowledge of how her behavior has affected the children. But I am not sure whether they would be allowed to speak as witnesses in the hearing. Your lawyer could answer that for you.

 

You should gather up whatever documentation you have concerning the facts you want to convey to the judge and ask your lawyer what you need to bring to the hearing in regards to that.

 

From the facts you have conveyed here, I think you should ask for sole custody with supervised visitation for her. The other thing I would want is for her to seek psychiatric treatment for her alcoholism and other possible mental health issues. I don't mean counseling. I mean an MD psychiatrist who could diagnose any underlying mental illness and prescribe medication if necessary. You can divorce her, but she will always be the mother of your children and it would be best for them if she gets healthy.

 

Maybe the judge could order supervised visitation and tell her that she has to show that she is making progress getting her alcoholism under control before he/she will consider unsupervised visitation. He/she could tell her one way to do that would be for her to get psychiatric help. Ask your lawyer what is the best way to approach the issue of her getting help for her alcoholism and possible mental illness.

 

Do not make this about how she has hurt you. That looks really bad because it makes it seem as if you are seeking sole custody to punish her. Focus on how her actions affect her ability to be a parent and how they affect the welfare of the children.

 

If you get angry, keep your composure. Do not yell or call her names. By that I don't mean you can't say you think she is an alcoholic. That is not name calling, that is your asessment of her mental health. Anyhow with 2 DUIs and 2 AIs, I am sure the judge can figure that out. By name calling I mean bitch, slut, etc. Not that I think you would do that, but sometimes people get angry and don't think before they speak.

 

Well, she has had the OM in the home while I was at work and they were they in the house drinking while the kids were there. She also met a guy at the rehab she was at, this was the guy that brought her up to court last week. I am thinking that she has moved either the OM or the guy she met at court into our home since I have moved in with my parents. I do not want my kids around this guy she met at rehab (no telling what he was addicted to) or the OM. That is my biggest worry.

 

Would the supervised visitation come after she proved herself as "improving" her life or would it come now? I dont think that my kids need to be around her in the state that she is in even if its supervised. Also, the main concern is that my SO doesnt have any family to help with the supervised visitation. So who would do help with that?

 

In the end, my kids do not need someone that is in my SO caring for them right now. Even if it is supervised. She needs to really change her life around before I change my stance on that.

[UofLCards]

I have my hearing tomorrow.

 

Pray for me guys. My kids need it!!

[Distant78]

Well, she has had the OM in the home while I was at work and they were they in the house drinking while the kids were there. She also met a guy at the rehab she was at, this was the guy that brought her up to court last week. I am thinking that she has moved either the OM or the guy she met at court into our home since I have moved in with my parents. I do not want my kids around this guy she met at rehab (no telling what he was addicted to) or the OM. That is my biggest worry.

 

Would the supervised visitation come after she proved herself as "improving" her life or would it come now? I dont think that my kids need to be around her in the state that she is in even if its supervised. Also, the main concern is that my SO doesnt have any family to help with the supervised visitation. So who would do help with that?

 

In the end, my kids do not need someone that is in my SO caring for them right now. Even if it is supervised. She needs to really change her life around before I change my stance on that.

 

Good. Glad you're keeping your head on straight. Not a lot of men can do what you've done. No way in hell should you keep putting up with her crap. She is a totally irresponsible parent and put your children in harms way and disrespected you significantly as a spouse. No need to try and work with her as parent-to-parent until she get's her sh*t together. Just keep caring for those kids and good luck on the hearing.

[Eye of Hourus]

Cards,

 

All the best with your court date.

 

See if you can get a supervised visitation for her, stipulate no third parties (OM). I would also insist that a drug/alcohol test be manditory before you consider any unsupervised visitation.

 

The Eye

[UofLCards]

Well, went to my hearing today. My SO recieved supervised visitation but has to pass a drug/alcohol screen before she can get these visitations. I had to pay for the screen out of my pocket. And if I want to get more then I will have to pay for those too, out of my pocket. She was told by the judge to go and have the screen done by 6 pm. I dont think she went. I just got off work and will have to call the place that does the screens to she if she did attend. I dont think she went though reason being I know that she has been drinking and probably doing drugs as well and she knows that she cant pass the 80-hour screen. Im thinking she will probably wait until she knows she is clean then go to take the screen and just use her "I didnt have a ride since I have no car" line.

 

These supervised visits are gonna be very hard on the kids. Especially my 2-year old. It's gonna be hard.

 

Pray for me guys. My kids need it!!