what the heck is wrong with me????

[achokshi]

This is a long story, but it's complicated so I could really use some help.

 

So in my first relationship, which occurred during the months of November 09 till August 10, was fantastic. It was my first girlfriend and it occurred during the senior year of high school. I've never felt such a rush. We did breakup early February, only to get back together after I thought I could get any girl; from then on I was insecure about myself and was always worried my ex would leave me like I left her or that she liked other guys. I could never tell if she liked other guys, since she was a nice girl to everyone and had plenty of guy friends.

 

Either way, she went on vacation over the summer and I had become friends with a girl (this was about late July 10) just to make my ex sorta jealous. The friendship actually surprised me because I ended up really having some good talks with the girl. When she went on vacation, I went to this other girl's house behind my exes back to simply catch up. I had no intentions on cheating. But I thought with my dick rather than my head and we ended up making out. At the time I was carefree, and I raeelized some switch went off in my head and I felt like a totally different person.

 

I immediately told her the next day, breaking down and crying histerically; however, I felt so anxious and depressed and guilty that I had to tell her everything, detail by detail. This made me feel even more anxious and depressed but I thought I had to tell her everything. She immediately forgave me after crying and I was so happy. 3 days later, I woke up depressed and anxious again and couldn't figure out why. I connected it to my gf, and all my feelings for her that were once there were gone. I began to hate her, for absolutely no reason. She was there to support me as I was going through depression. About a couple weeks of therapy later, I was alright, but still extremely upset and anxious as to where my feelings for her went. She never did ANYTHING wrong. Now we're at college and have been broken up for a while. I am more anxious now than ever, because we aren't talking, and during our thanksgiving break, she told me she was over me (after pleading her case to stay together during college, I told her it wasn't fair that I couldn't feel for her). I keep picturing her with other guys doing the things we did together, and it is the most hurtful thing ever. I realize I am the one that cheated, but when we're on NC and I see her fb how she's talking to other guys the way she did with me, my feelings for her feel so real again; I begin to crave her. Now I'm at a stage where I can't look at other girls, can't find anyone else attractive, besides my ex. However, I look at her picture and begin to hate her, even though all she wants me to do is get better. I know that if we were together, I'd feel much more confident and uplifted, and my stress levels would calm down since I know she wouldn't be with other guys. It's sickening when I think of her having sex or something since she was my first and she is such an innocent girl. I'm so worrried that I'll keep looking for an answer to my dilemma that I'll never be able to love someone again, and I am also afraid at all the baggage she will pick up during college, and how I will cope with that if I ever find out if she had sex or even simply kissed someone.. chances are extremely likely she has been with someone, as it is college. I have as well, but I just don't ever equate us. Like if she kissed someone I'd freak out, but if she freaked out over me kissing someone I'd be like it's no big deal it meant nothing. It comes down to this one question: I was so in love with her I was planning my entire future everyday with her. Now I've become an anxious, jealous, and hateful person, who has lost sight on his career path and happiness. Why do I hate her now, after loving her so much and then her trying to help me get better anyway she could help, is it because I want to be like her? She could be friends with guys without thinking about romance, or I guess I never knew what was going on in her head, and I was so obssessed with finding out. I am the total opposite, I always assume the worst. Now it is none of my business, but sometimes I place myself in the situations of the past when we were together, and my feelings feel so real, that I have to almost stop and slap myself to come back to reality and that things are totally different now. I'm just pissed at the fact that I can't be with her, nor can I be without her. It's screwing up my college life, and in general my life as well. WTFF!!!

 

I guess what goes around comes around right? But I've never felt so ****ty in my life. I go through the day thinking about her all day, with 4 hours of sleep every night. I'm trying to enjoy my life, and I can at times, but no matter what, when I see another girl at all, I get depressed and anxious. I am currently seeing a therapist for 3 months now, and I feel like it is not helping. I am going to a psychiatrist next week to see if maybe I need some medication to calm the anxiety down a bit. Please guys, if you have ANY thoughts, please share. I just needed to sort of vent it all out.

Edited December 2, 2010 by achokshi
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[ShatteredReality]

I think you should have posted in "coping" instead. Cause that's what you're trying to do now right?? Cope with the breakup? We women are a funny people...sometimes, if a man hurts us we walk away and are able to stay away, others times we put up the pretense of walking away and not thinking of him...if you want her back you can try for it...but it's the same story with every guy - it's like that Enrique Iglesias song - Now that you're gone. Seriously. That's the guy theme song. You can try to get her back, but she may not want to do that. And it's not NC if you are checking her Facebook. Stop that. It won't help. I will make it worse. NC is complete and utter NC....no e-mails or texts or Facebook or MySpace or PIs hired to follow her!