What's best for me/her?

[starting2wakeup]

My wife, well, legally she's my wife - she took her ring of months ago - stopped by my office today to ask if we could switch up our schedule with our two girls. Currently it set up so that we have them on alternating weeks. Apparently when they are with her they keep asking for me, wanting to see me and wanting to go home - I retained our home in the separation. She assumed that the girls do vice versa when they are with me but this is simply not the case, and I let her know as much. They do ask for her and want to know where she is, but they never ask to go to her place. This really upset her. "We'll you kept the home." "Yeah, well you left our home." I told her no, that I was already very lucky that my work would allow me to get off ever other week at 2 to pick up our girls from school and that I couldn't change anything again and risk losing my job.

 

She got up and left, as she does every time the conversation gets a little emotional, and it became very clear to me just how dark her state of mind is. She is in a rough place right now, dealing with several medical problems, as well as on going mental issues (PTSD). Except for me she has had very little support from friends and zero from her family. The separation has been very hard on me, for obvious reasons, but also because I worry about how she is going to take care of herself. At the same time I am trying to remain strong and do what I need to in order to be a good father and remain sane, even if that means LC, which is what I have been doing now for awhile.

 

I told her a week or so ago that I didn't want to be friends, that I knew we would always do what is right for our girls but that I was looking for a committed, romantic relationship. If she ever decided that she was willing to give repairing our relationship her full attention, then to let me know and I would make an apt with a MC. Just before the Thanksgiving holiday she told me that she did want to see a MC, I however have not yet to make an apt, and I don't know that I am going to.

 

On top of the other medical issues she is dealing with right now, she has also starting seeing a councilor for an eating disorder. Right now, I don't think us going to a MC is going to do any good, at least not until she addresses her own situation and learns to deal with her own personal issues. She needs to be focusing on herself and getting better. My question is, I care for her greatly but it also hurts to be around her. I'm lonely and I want nothing more than to have my best friend/wife/lover back but I simply can not do it if she is not 100% devoted toward seeing if we can make us work. Knowing that she is having a hard time and that she has no/little support other than me, do I still go LC? I'll be honest, I wish sometimes I could go NC, it would make things easier I think as each time I see her it dredges up so many confused feelings. I just don't know what to do?

[What_Next]

It would help if we knew a little of the back story as to how/why you are now seperated?

[starting2wakeup]

Of course. I posted my rather long story on this board a few weeks ago but to give you the abridged version.

 

My wife and I have/had been together for 11 years, 7 of them as husband and wife. We are both in our early thirties and have 2 daughters, ages 4 and 6. The day before Father's Day she served me with papers requesting a separation. I lawyered up right away and we have been officially/legally separated now for a few months.

 

In the last few weeks I have been able to make my way through the pain and heartache long enough to call my wife out on her s***.

She looked for comfort/attention outside of our marriage (via the internet) and while at the time I didn't have the b@lls to put my foot down (at least not hard enough), I do now, and have recently called her out on her emotional, and possible physical infidelity.

 

She admits to mistake but in my eyes its not been enough. Actions speak louder than words and her actions tell me nothing is changing anytime soon. She has said she wants to stay friends and I have point blank told her no. This has really upset her as I am really the only person who has ever cared about her, or at least cared enough to take care of her. I have paid for her counseling, her school, her medical bills, etc. I would do anything for my wife and kids but now she doesn't want to be my wife.

 

I'm happy that she is open to MC but I have two fears. (1) That she only said yes because she can see that I am serious when I say I am moving on and (2) that MC will do no good until she has addressed her own issues, and there are many. The downside to that is, she will be on her own with no support. But, that was her choice. She was the one who left.

 

I just can't think straight right now. It's all too f***ing frustrating.

[GorillaTheater]

I think MC is an appropriate step in this case, but only on the condition that she also starts individual counseling for her issues. One proviso here: MC isn't going to do a bit of good if she's still involved with another man.

 

But like I said, that's just a step. I don't know whether you've talked about her moving back in, but my advice is to hold off a while until you've seen some concrete changes in her, not only with whatever her disorders may be, but also genuine remorse over the affair and considerable introspection over what led her to have an affair in the first place. The last thing you want to do is take her back with the underlying issues unresolved, because that's just asking for a repeat performance at some point down the road. You probably wouldn't wish this pain on your worst enemy, and you sure as hell don't want to go through it again. Not that there are any guarantees, but you can do a lot to increase the odds in your favor.

[goingstrong]

Stand tough...and make her prove that she is there 100%, but please don't do the punish and purge maneuver and just take her back to get even.Continue taking the moral high ground.

[starting2wakeup]

Gorilla / goingstrong, Thank you both for your advise.

 

I have not talked to her about moving back in and at this point I don't really see it as an option. While I have the desire to take care of her, I refuse to let things go back to the way they were. As far as another man, I do not believe there is one at this time but she still continues to make choices that I do not agree with and do not understand. She told me today (over the phone) that she had signed up with some correspondence club with the military, where you were assigned a individual in the army who has no family to write to. She was assigned some young guy and said that she was having a hard time thinking of what to write. Now, I'm all for supporting the military, but in my opinion she should not be signing up for any activity that encourages her to talk with a lonely man on the other side of the world, AND she should be spending her time focusing on getting help for her medical/mental issues as well as rebuilding our relationship, IF that's even what she wants.

 

And there in lie my concerns. I am not convinced that she is there 100% in regards to MC or even IC for herself. I am afraid that she is doing just the bare minimum in order to keep me from going fulltime LC/NC.

 

She also made a couple of comments to me last week that I am not quite sure how to read. She said that I am not the same person that she first feel in love with and that I seemed more selfish. I told her that neither one of us was the same person but that when I said "I do", it was my every intent to love my partner forever and to grow with them. We are parents now, that changes you, and when your wife/best friend leaves you, well, that's going to change you to. Especially when you finally wake up to the way you were neglected and taken advantage of. And as far as me being selfish, talk about the pot and the kettle. I'm not selfish, I'm stronger. I'm standing up for what I think is right for me and my children. Selfish is turning your back on your partner when you are too afraid to face your own mistakes and are too weak to try and put forth the effort to work through them.

 

I think I am going to talk to her one more time about MC and let her know that if she doesn't take it as seriously as I do then that's it, I'm moving on. God, this all so hard to deal with.

[You Go Girl]

Your discussions with your W on MC are vague, however, it seems from what you wrote that you told her that if she was open to MC to let you know.

Then it appears you did an about-face.

Now you are vascillating on whether to go or not.

I think you need some clear communication here. I think if you are not up for MC, then state so, clearly. None of this vague confusing stuff, weighing your feelings minute by minute. YOU TOO need to be 100%. I certainly agree that she does!

The fate of your marriage could rest on this MC.

As for writing a soldier, when the time is right, have a frank and open discussion on that the letters are not too personal, and that it isn't susceptible to romance. She should know how to draw that line herself. If you believe it will be a trust issue, then ask her to back out of the program.

[tojaz]

Gorilla / goingstrong, Thank you both for your advise.

 

I have not talked to her about moving back in and at this point I don't really see it as an option. While I have the desire to take care of her, I refuse to let things go back to the way they were. As far as another man, I do not believe there is one at this time but she still continues to make choices that I do not agree with and do not understand. She told me today (over the phone) that she had signed up with some correspondence club with the military, where you were assigned a individual in the army who has no family to write to. She was assigned some young guy and said that she was having a hard time thinking of what to write. Now, I'm all for supporting the military, but in my opinion she should not be signing up for any activity that encourages her to talk with a lonely man on the other side of the world, AND she should be spending her time focusing on getting help for her medical/mental issues as well as rebuilding our relationship, IF that's even what she wants.

 

And there in lie my concerns. I am not convinced that she is there 100% in regards to MC or even IC for herself. I am afraid that she is doing just the bare minimum in order to keep me from going fulltime LC/NC.

 

She also made a couple of comments to me last week that I am not quite sure how to read. She said that I am not the same person that she first feel in love with and that I seemed more selfish. I told her that neither one of us was the same person but that when I said "I do", it was my every intent to love my partner forever and to grow with them. We are parents now, that changes you, and when your wife/best friend leaves you, well, that's going to change you to. Especially when you finally wake up to the way you were neglected and taken advantage of. And as far as me being selfish, talk about the pot and the kettle. I'm not selfish, I'm stronger. I'm standing up for what I think is right for me and my children. Selfish is turning your back on your partner when you are too afraid to face your own mistakes and are too weak to try and put forth the effort to work through them.

 

I think I am going to talk to her one more time about MC and let her know that if she doesn't take it as seriously as I do then that's it, I'm moving on. God, this all so hard to deal with.

 

BACK STORY>>> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t254036/ <<<

 

Time to wake up a bit more guy. First of all, as YGG pointed out, you opened up with MC and when she came to you, you took a step back. Setting standards and ultimatums is going to get you nothing but a good long dose of the single life. Theres a lot of guys here that would give anything to sit in MC for an hour with their exs or soon to be exs and here you are dangling it like a carrot.

 

I see you giving it the all or nothing scorched earth approach. Shes in turmoil and your looking for 100% commitment before going through with MC, but if there was 100% commitment..... you would not need MC! Not to mention that if you are giving ultimatums and threatening to move on, you are not 100% committed yourself, and she is seeing that, as well as the mistrust.

 

As for writing a soldier, I think thats a very kind thing for her to do and something I do myself, especially during the holidays. It all sounds quite innocent to me and would open yourself to the possibility that her telling you she didn't know what to write was A. informing you she was writing a soldier and B. an invitation to help. Rather then the mistrust, write the letter together from both of you. She gets her correspondence and he knows shes married.

 

Meanwhile, make the MC appointment!

 

TOJAZ

[dk.bnz.chi]

i just feel bad 4 ur daughters,other than that just `do a gorilla stomp on the face and ask why or what

[dk.bnz.chi]

actually don't ask anymore,just let her be. what's the point,really? just ask yourself,what's the point?

[starting2wakeup]

You Go Girl, you are right, I did tell her to let me know if she was open to MC and when she told me that she was, I wavered and that's not fair. My fear is that she said "yes" simply to keep me in her life. Not because she wants to work on the relationship but because having me around is what she is comfortable with.

 

My W has told me that she is afraid I will try and take our kids away from her, which is something I do not, nor I have I ever planned on doing. I questioned her as to where this fear came from and I did not get a clear answer. She did however show instant remorse when she let slip that she had an eating disorder. She said that she wasn't suppose to tell me that because I could use it against her. I am worried that there might be other situations that she is not telling me about. This is why I question her motives when she said yes to MC, I'm afraid she is just trying to keep me complacent by telling me what I want to here.

 

As far as writing the solider, you mentioned that she "should know how to draw that line herself", well she doesn't. Her past indiscretions clearly show that she does not know how to draw that line or is even aware of it. This is why I am concerned. I am however going to talk to her about helping to write the letter per tojaz suggestion.

 

tojaz, I hear exactly what you are saying. I do not however feel like I am dangling MC in front of her as I haven't said anything to her yet about my concerns. I actually came to LS first to get some advice before deciding what to do next. I thank you (and all others who have responded) for your comments as it really helps to look at things from a different perspective.

 

I don't know how I am going to afford it but I'm thinking about looking into IC for myself. This is all so confusing and while I am trying my best to stay strong for me and my children I am afraid that I may be over doing it. My W and I are going to meet tomorrow for lunch and I plan on asking her what she hopes to accomplish with MC. Does she want to actually work on the realtionship or work on trying to get along better for our children. Either way, I plan on making the apt. and hope for the best.

[habs53]

Our situation sounds very similar. For one, dont give into her for anything. She left you. Dont believe a word she said, and remember one thing. Its all about her.

Things didnt go according to plan for her. She wants you to feel sorry for her to get her way. She is playing you like a game.

The MC will be nothing more to take away some of her quilt or maybe get some respect back of the children.

 

Im sure you realize this. Thats the reason you are hesitant about the counseling yourself.

 

Another thing i noticed is how she said you are the one that changed. Classic sign of passing the blame for her reactions.

[tojaz]

S2W, dont get me wrong, Im not trying to say your doing anything malicious at all. Its a perspective from the outside, how she may see it.

 

The hardest part about posting on LS and communicating with people in stressful situations in general is the fact that your almost exclusively working with half the story. In other words, how you meant it means nothing compared to how she experiences it and what she decides is true for herself.

 

Much like you saying your "decision" wasn't an "ultimatum" or that your not being "selfish". It doesn't matter what I, you, or everyone else thinks, if shes experiencing it that way, then thats what you are for the purposes of dealing with her. Thats why MC is so important, an educated and impartial third party to sort of translate, also the reason many people resist, because they are afraid of what they might hear. You seem very open to the idea so that puts you ahead of the game.

 

On that note as you had mentioned, on possibly going over board on staying strong. There is a fine line on being strong and becoming callous, and in the heat of the moment, it is very hard to tell the difference. Tread lightly.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Our situation sounds very similar. For one, dont give into her for anything. She left you. Dont believe a word she said, and remember one thing. Its all about her.

Things didnt go according to plan for her. She wants you to feel sorry for her to get her way. She is playing you like a game.

The MC will be nothing more to take away some of her quilt or maybe get some respect back of the children.

 

Im sure you realize this. Thats the reason you are hesitant about the counseling yourself.

 

Another thing i noticed is how she said you are the one that changed. Classic sign of passing the blame for her reactions.

 

S2W careful here, there can be a lot of patterns, but the worst thing you can do is assume the worst. Let your own story unfold, rather then assuming it will follow someone elses. Thats a trap that can kill a lot of salvageable marriages. This is coming from someone whos wasn't.

 

TOJAZ

[debtman]

Lots of similarities here. My wife of 6 years (10 years together, 2 kids, 5 and 3) decided in mid-October that our marriage just wasn't "working out" and she started dating another guy she met online (who is also in the process of getting a divorce and has a 9 and 11 year old). I stayed in the house for 2 weeks after she made that declaration, suggesting counseling, trying to resolve things, etc. but she was already involved with her EA and I made the decision to move out and move in with my parents.

I see the kids almost every day (putting them to bed, taking them to dinner or to my parents 2 nights/week and then I've had them every weekend so far) and, consequently see her. Very difficult, especially when she's in the process of getting all made up for her new bf to come over.

We went to our first mediation session last week, we have one more on the 13th and will be divorced by the end of the year. The mediator suggested we don't get into other relationships for at least 6-9 months for the kids sake and my wife almost fell over. She explained that she was already seeing someone and the mediator suggested that the kids be handled carefully with a new person involved. She basically ignored that.

At mediation, we decided that she will get a new house and I will move back into our house by May 1 and I will buy her out. So, now she's looking into buying a house with this guy she will have known less than 6 months, still hasn't met his kids (since his wife doesn't know he's dating) and I'm afraid her fantasy world is going to come crashing down soon. Hopefully, not before we're divorced and I'm back in the house...we'll see.

That being said, my wife has lots of issues she NEEDS to work out, but she refuses to address them. I suggested MC, individual counseling for her, etc. and she wasn't interested. She had made up her mind and her fantasy world is much easier for her to live in than reality. If your wife can go to counseling (MC and IC) and REALLY seems to be addressing her issues, there might be hope. It's about open communication, trust and love. It sounds like you've got 1 out of 3. DON'T let her move back in until she makes SUBSTANTIAL progress. My wife and I have had spurts of good and bad communication and trust and have never been able to maintain open lines of communication because she would get angry when I would do anything "wrong" instead of talking about it rationally. She was very controlling, judgmental and bi-polar.

The hardest thing to deal with is how it affects the kids, but, in a few months, once things get settled out, we get routines going again and I can start working on my own life and getting "happy" again, the kids will benefit from that.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[starting2wakeup]

Well the W and I meet today for lunch and now I am more confused than ever! I can say that I am proud of the way I handled myself. I was calm and collected. I talked rationally and openly. All in all it was an adult, civil conversation, but honestly, I feel less hope now than I did just yesterday.

 

I told her I was 100% behind MC and that I hoped she was too. I asked her what she was hoping to get out of MC and she basically said that she wanted us to get along better. She is still very hung up on titles, going so far as to suggest that we call it "couples counseling" instead of "marriage counseling". She said that she still loved me, that I was an amazing father to her children, that no other man would ever treat her as good as I did or care for her they way I do, but that when (and I'm paraphrasing here) something in her life doesn't feel right she ends it. If after ending it she still feels like she misses it or something about it, she then basically revisits it to see what can be fixed. Keep in mind we have been a couple for going on 12 years.

 

She said that while she wanted to work on our relationship as far as she was concerned the marriage was over. It was dead and we needed to see what we could be now. She saw us as two different people and she regretted that we ever got married in the first place. Or at least the way we got married, as she apparently felt forced or rushed into it, which is BS. We were best friends before we became a couple, and when we did hook up, we lived together for 4 years before we got married. I wouldn't call that rushed but, that's apparently how she feels. She also said that she knew she wasn't a good wife. That she didn't "feel the same way other wifes do about their husbands". If she did, she wouldn't have hurt me the way she did. In short, she didn't want to be a wife. Even if we got back together, she didn't want to be a wife.

 

She asked me if I wanted to be with her because it was what I was comfortable with and I told her no, that I was in love and wanted to know if we could make things work. She said she didn't want to go back to the way things were and I told her that neither did I. That's not at all what I wanted or had in mind. She also said that she thought I wanted her to move back in, which I point blank told her (in a nice way, mind you) was simply not true. Not once have I suggested she move back in. She paused, thought about it and realized I was right.

 

Before I left I did address the situation with her writing letters to this solider. I told her that it made me uncomfortable because of her past indiscretions. I asked if I could help her, that I would be happy to contribute to any care packages she was going to send. She didn't really say yes (or no), just that that they have mostly been emailing, and apparently they have now befriended each other on FB - I've stopped looking at her FB several weeks ago and am proud to say I have 0 desire at looking at it even now. She said that he was from deep down south and had a good ol' boy, smartass sense of humor. Since they were both sarcastic most of their talks were short smartass remarks to each other. I asked her if she realized that that was how WE flirted with each other. By her expression I could tell she didn't, at least not until that moment when I said something. She said that we more sexual in our flirting, but I made a pretty good case - kept it short, didn't push the issue - that being smartasses to each other, teasing each other was how we flirted. She did say that she had told him very little personal information save that she had two kids and was in a relationship, though never mentioned anything about still being married.

 

I am more confused than ever. I did contact a MC today about setting up an appointment but have yet to hear back about times and cost. Based on our conversation I am worried that she is still not 100% behind making our relationship work. I feel like she is already setting up stipulations as to what she is and is not open to. She see's our marriage as dead. A done deal. She doesn't want to be a wife and she doesn't want to be in a relationship but in the next breathe she says that she wishes we could date. That we never had a chance to date like normal people. I don't think she has any idea what she wants and I'm starting to question if I do. Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who admits that when things get tough, she would rather walk away as opposed to addressing the issue? And why am I so dead set on not wanting to be just her friend? My head keeps going back to all or nothing. I want a physical, emotional and committed relationship or I want to move on with my life. God this is killing me.

 

Thank you to all who have left me advise. It REALLY helps. I am going to contact an IC tomorrow, I know that, but I am questioning how to move forward with her. My gut tells me to go LC until the MC session. Thoughts?

[starting2wakeup]

The W and I have our first post-separation MC appointment tomorrow. I'm trying not to over analyze it but I feel like I need to walk into it prepared. I will update as to how it all goes.

[tojaz]

Good luck on the MC. Just be honest and be prepare that she will do the same, as she sees it. The first couple of sessions are usually pretty light, just to give the counselor some insight into what is happening and what you both are looking to work on. You'll be fine.

 

TOJAZ

[controlledchaos]

we tried two sessions of MC. i was willing to try again, but he wasn't interested. i hope you session was helpful.

 

i'm posting mainly because of the letter writing and her intentions behind it. i too write letters to soldiers. i started adopting troops over a year ago because of the holidays and losing a high school friend in Iraq. i liked sending the care packages and notes along with pictures and thank yous from my kids.

 

in the spring of this year i got involved with a group where you adopt an individual person serving overseas. you send one letter a week and one package a month. i liked that because it allowed my kids and me to do more service for those deployed. the thing is, your experience is going to be determined by your motivation. if her's is to have someone to talk to, to joke with, to flirt with....... in other words, be about her, then yeah i think you have some issues and right to fear. i think these guys will take things as far as a woman will let them. if her motivation is supporting the troops, being there when they need to talk, sending care packages, and not having it be about her, then hopefully you have nothing to fear.

 

i've adopted 4 service members over the past several months. i've also sent packages and notes to many troops as a group. i have only asked ONE person their age. if they volunteer that info, it's up to them, but it's not given to you and while yes, i'm here to support, i'm not here to "get to know" them, ya know?? i'm here so they know they are NOT forgotten over there. so, her motivation behind WHY she's doing it is a good thing to know.

 

good luck!!

[starting2wakeup]

controlledchaos, Thank You for your input on the letter writing. To be honest, I don't know what to think as far as her intentions. From what little she has told me it does not feel like her interactions with him are their for support alone. I know I have a tendency to fear the worst, but I also know that she is lonely. Most, if not all of her friends abandoned her after she left me. I think writing these letters, or chatting with him on facebook, may be a way for her to reach out to someone. Someone who doesn't know her baggage and history. The fact that this guy is on the otherside of the world may even be more appealing to her.

 

I do not have the time right now (busy day at work) but I hope to update as to our MC session later tonight. It went... well, it went. I'm not sure if it was good or bad, but I do know it was necessary, at least for me.

[controlledchaos]

i asked one of my soliders last night about the situation. basically what he and i both concluded is, that if the women escalates the relationship or doesn't discourage HIM from doing it ( with flirting, etc.) then it's going to escalate. this soldier told me that he's seen it happen many times. those guys are so lonely he said it wouldn't take much for him to fall for someone who showed some interest in him.

 

i don't really have any personal knowledge because i have never tried flirting with any of them. and i really do stick to being their support/ care package giver. so, i don't know first hand or anything like that. i would have to guess if she's trying to fill a void with some communication and she's being overly friendly it's gonna progress. as long as she's not discouraging it. all the guys i write to/ chat with, etc. know there are others. i tell them. they know it's me and my kids doing this. there is no ME trying to get to know THEM. does that make sense? i can be friendly and chat with them for half an hour, but there is no personal connection. i hope that makes sense.

 

our first MC visit "went" too. actually i think the only reason we went back for number 2 was because my stbx felt that i was getting "blamed." but then during number 2 the counselor basically said to him " if you want this marriage to work you need to make some changes. you need to step up and be a husband." and he did not like that at all. so we never went back. but our situation is probably quite different than yours.

 

good luck!!!

[controlledchaos]

i just read your other thread, and i really do wish you a lot of luck! i think there are grateful people in this world and ungrateful people. sounds like you got the latter.

 

to be handed a paid for car, and to turn around and get yourself into debt for one newer and better? to have someone love you, and be willing to show you their love, and want attention from someone else? being able to tear apart a family?

 

i hope things work out the way you want them to. i really do!

[starting2wakeup]

So the wife and I went to MC last week and I do not think we will be going back anytime soon. The councilor did say that they would be happy to help me on an individual basis (which I am taking them up on) and that they would be open to seeing us both as a couple again but, at least for right now, there's not much point.

 

Right out of the gate the MC asked us what we both wanted. My W didn't really know what she wanted but she did know what she didn't want. She doesn't want to be in any kind of relationship. She doesn't want to be a wife, a girlfriend, a lover, nothing. The councilor asked if I "heard her", and I did. Point blank, with no uncertain terms, she does not want any relationship with me, other than friendship.

 

So then it was my turn. What do I want? I want to see if we can make things work. I want a physical, emotional, committed relationship. "You want a monogamous relationship" the councilor asked and it hit me. Yes. Monogamy. That is the word for what I want. I love my wife but because of her actions, I don't trust her. She broke my heart and tore my family apart. Bottom line, I want to work on the marriage but if she's not willing to even try then that broken trust is never going to heal. And without trust any relationship, monogamous or otherwise is not going to work.

 

So working on the relationship was simply not an option, at least for my W. That is her stance. Knowing this I told her that I then felt it was best for me to step away. I need time to heal and I can't do that if I'm dealing with her every other day. The MC agreed and asked my W if she heard what I said. She did, and I could tell that it hurt her. The MC suggested that we start living as if we were seperated, which sounded weird, as we are, but I understood what she meant. LC. I need to to limit my contact with her and live my life as though she is no longer my wife as she is already living hers as if she no longer has a husband. I need to work on me. I need to greive and heal and it f**king sucks but I know it to be true.

 

What kills me is this is exactly the situation I suggested to my W days/weeks ago. It's how we ended up in MC in the first place. I told her that I was stepping away unless she agreed to see a MC, at which point I would give our relationship my full attention. After a few days she said she wanted to see a MC and I hesitated in making an appointment. Something did not feel right. At the time she told me I was "flip flopping". That one minute I wanted nothing to do with her and the next I wanted to work on us. And this is a true statement. But I was confused and so was she. Why agree to see a MC if you have zero desire in working on the relationship? I'm sure she was afraid of losing me completly but what else did she think was going to happen? I'm sorry but....

 

no I'm not. I'm not sorry. I put her on a pedistal. Took care of every one of her needs and she broke my heart and left. Now she wants to stay friends while she works out her issues. She keeps making choices that I don't agree with, that hurt me and that I flat out don't understand and she wants to stay pals. No. I simply can not do that. Not now. Maybe never.

 

The MC did tell my W that she may never be able to have the kind of physical and emotional relationship that she said we once had and one day hoped to find again until she addressed her personal issues through intense counseling. I took that as much as a message to me as it was to her.

 

So that's where I'm at. My W does not want any form of a relationship, with me or anyone else, or at least that's what she says. I still fear that she will seek the attention of another man out of loneliness, especial as I pull away to work on myself. And I hate that feeling. I hate that thought. But that is the where things stand and it hurts.

[tojaz]

Ouch S2W. Reading that stings a bit. I was ambushed the same way. At least you know you gave it every chance, thats of little comfort now, but it will be as you move forward. Sorry it worked out this way man, keep posting.

 

TOJAZ

[controlledchaos]

i'm so sorry to hear this. i really am. even though i felt terribly distant when we were in our 2 sessions, and i really didn't think there was a future for us as a couple i still responded that i did want to stay married if he could come around and change some things. basically the counselor asked him if he wanted to stay married. to which he did not reply at all. then the counselor asked me if i would be willing to go on a date with my H if he asked. to which i replied i would, as long as he stopped spying on me. the counselor did what yours asked, and asked him if he heard what i had said. my H responded he had heard. it didn't change anything though.

 

he asked me on a date and i agreed to go, like 3 months later. however that's where i was ambushed. he basically dished out the " all they ways you suck as a human being" in the middle of a public place, reducing me to tears and smirking and walking away once he was successful. not to mention he has never stopped spying on me. still is now.

 

i guess my point is, maybe her being this cold and blunt now will be better. i was given false hope thinking things might actually change. when in turn all my H wanted to hear was that *I* was the cause of all bad in our relationship, and he didn't get that.

 

we have lived apart now for almost a year, and i can say it's been ok. there are low points and not so low points. even though we have kids we have VERY little contact with each other. we have separate finances, separate places to live, etc. there is no talk of reconciliation, but after this past year i wouldn't be able to reconcile, toooooo much has come to light and i've learned that i do deserve respect simply as a human being. what's the point in being married if you don't respect your spouse? or if your spouse doesn't respect you? all things that don't go his way are still MY fault, and when i don't do something he wants me to he threatens to get his lawyer involved. all in all, i just try and leave him be. he didn't love me, he told me as much. i have accepted that and realized that it was HIM that couldn't love ME, not the other way around. i did all i could.

 

i really am sorry she is feeling the way she is :-(