What's best for me/her?

[starting2wakeup]

Hello. I am new to this forum, just joined a couple days ago. It's late here central time in Texas, about 10:15pm. I was just about to go to bed and doing a little reading first, when I stumbled upon this thread.

 

Hello, and welcome to LS.

 

Oh my God!!!!

 

What a freaking nightmare!!!!.

 

It's nice to meet you too.

 

I am nauseous from your whole situation with your ex-wife. Honest to God I feel emotionally exhausted and I barely scratched the surface of the entire ordeal!!!!!! I only read the first few pages from back in December, and then jumped to the last few pages, here in June, to see how it had all ended/resolved out.

 

BUT. IT. HADNT. RESOLVED. OR. GOTTEN. ANY. BETTER.

 

I did not mean to type all this to bring you down, by the way. I guess what I am saying is, you have got to put some boundaries up and have as little contact as possible with this woman. This entire ordeal has got to be the most emotionally exhausting ordeal of your human existence.

 

I think another reason your situation freaks me out is I am in the process of a divorce, 2 small boys exactly your daughters ages - and if I have to experience this type of continued turmoil from their father for an extended period of time in the future, I really don't know if I could take it.

 

I hope that your situation does not come anywhere close to the type of turmoil I have had to deal with but when things do get rough, know that you will come through just fine, so long as you do what is best for your boys and what is best for you. My situation has been exhausting, but I am strong. I have to be, for my girls and for myself.

 

I will say at least you have a whole lot of very caring people here giving you fabulous support and advice. You sure lucked out with that aspect of this situation. God bless you and all the best to you and your precious little girls.

 

I am very lucky to have a strong and supportive family, and to have found LS. There are some amazing people on these boards, and I am truly thankful for their advise and council. Good luck to you and your boys.

[Forever Learning]

Hello again and I'm sorry I had such a radical response to your story. I know it is just my own situation that makes me easily exasperated sometimes.

 

Plus it was late and I was too tired to be posting, I should have stuck to just reading instead.

 

I am sorry again, and do wish peace and happiness to you and your girls and that your situation becomes more and more healthy over time. I know these things take time to work themselves out. Time is the greatest healer. I hope your ex finds peace and healing too, especially for your daughter's sakes. Godbless

[updown]

oh NO, i didn't mean she should live with you! i just meant, it doesn't sound like she should even be living alone PERIOD! much less with the girls around. could she rent out part of someone's house? has she looked into that? or an assisted living type place for people that are sick, but not old?? there has to be stuff like that out there.

 

YOU should not be her 911! and your girls should not be responsible for taking care of her either. and if she is that frail, she needs to have someone else around during her time with the girls. that's just not fair to them or to you.

 

YOU need a CLEAN break from her for a while. you need to NOT have to worry about her health or welfare........ that's not your job or your responsibility. especially since she's the one that doesn't want to be married to you.........

 

i'll keep praying and brain storming!

 

(( HUGS))

[jonathank22]

I am not convinced that she is there 100% in regards to MC or even IC for herself. I am afraid that she is doing just the bare minimum in order to keep me from going fulltime LC/NC.

[starting2wakeup]

This past Monday I sent my W an email addressing the need for boundaries. Below is some of what I wrote. Note that I borrowed and in some cases flat out plagiarized things said / posted by other members in this forum. I hope no one minds me using their words and advise in such a manner. I did so because I wanted / needed to express to her, in plain English, how I felt and how I was planning on moving forward.

 

"You told me to email you if I had anything I wanted to say. Last we spoke on the phone I could tell there were things you wanted to talk about but were not clear if you should or if I even wanted to hear them. I just wanted to make it clear as to where I stand on this.

 

Unless you want to talk about how we can strengthen our relationship and try to come together as equals in our marriage then the only thing I feel we need to talk about are the girls and your health. I would love to share more with you and respond to some of the things you have recently said to me, but unless you would like to seriously discuss our future as a couple, I don't know that talking about such things is going to help either one of us.

 

That said, I would like to say one thing.

 

I realize that the only person who can make me happy is myself. In the past I relied on others to find happiness, including, and most of all, you. Doing so was foolish and not fair to you or me. I have been working on this, finding happiness within myself, and have found success by acknowledging and respecting my boundaries.

 

Personal boundaries are about taking responsibility for ourselves and not allowing someone to affect us negatively. They make us responsible for ourselves and what we put up with without negatively affecting someone else's boundaries. It's not about imposing our will on someone else.

 

I do not want to shut you out of my life but I do have to accept and respect the boundary that you have set up in that you intend to divorce me. You do not want to share your life with me anymore. You do not want to come together on equal ground as two people who can take care of themselves but who care and choose to support each other.

 

I love you, and if you are in trouble, or if your health is worrying you and you need me then I will always be here for you. But I don't want to hear about ---'s son or your new deck. And I'm not going to tell you about what I am doing. The projects I am working on or the accomplishment I have made. It's not easy but I didn't choose this, you did.

 

I hope that makes sense. I would like to take action in saving both our family and personal connection but as you seem dead set in moving forward in ending that bond and our marriage, all I can do is accept your decision and continue to take care of myself and the girls."

[starting2wakeup]

After sending that email she has reached out to me on a regular basis for a varity of reasons. Due to a number of issues (mostly her health) I ended up watching the girls all but one night this week. This meant that I would drop them off at her place in the morning, go to work, and then pick them after work. So I had to see her everyday. Our conversations in person were usually short and about the kids, but she would still call me at work. I would keep finding reasons to get off the phone with her like, I have to work, and eventually she got the hint, somewhat.

 

At one point she really wanted to talk to me without the kids around. They couldn't even be in the same house. She wanted to go out and "talk". My babysitter was out of town, as was my mother, and she knew of no one to watch the girls, so... a talk never happened.

 

Thursday she called me at work to tell me that she had spoken to her doctor and that her platelet count was very, very low. Low enough that, based on her other ongoing symptoms, the doctor was concerned that she might have either Von Willebrand disease, lupus or leukemia. I talked to her for quite a bit after hearing this news. Actually listened more than I did talk. She was scaried and just needed someone to let her vent. her doctor is sending her to another doctor and at this point she is just going to have to undergo a number of tests in order to either rule out what she doesn't have or confirm what she does.

 

This news threw me back into my old pattern pretty quick, but after about a day, I recognized it.

 

I'm worried about her. I'm worried outta my dang skull (!) but the fact still remains, she doesn't want to be with me. And someone needs to take care of our girls.

 

I am going to visit family tomorrow and will be, essentially, on vacation for a nice little while. The girls are going with me and I plan on taking this time to relax, enjoy them and find a little bit of focus for myself. The thought of the "talk" she wanted to have however kept bothering me today so I texted her, "Did you still want to talk with me?" She texted back, "it can wait but, yes." An hour later I thought, "No it can't wait." I'm not going to go on vacation and let myself speculate as to what she wants to talk about when I get back the whole damn time. So I called her, and asked, "What was it you wanted to talk about?" She said she wanted to talk about "us" and that she wanted to be "on the same page" about the girls. Below is my response as verbatim as I can recall.

 

"It was either last night or earlier this morning, but do you remember when I said something about being mad at myself? I was mad because I wasn't doing what I said I was going to do in my email. I would love to talk to you but, you intend to divorcee me. I don't like it but I understand that is your position on us and you appear to be sticking to it. So unless you want to talk about the girls or your health, the only thing I want to talk about is about saving our marriage."

 

It was clear that she knew what I was talking about in reference to my email, but she really did seem clueless as to the degree that she reached out to me on a daily basis. At one point she said, "We don't talk that often", to which I responded, "You call me once every five hours." She went silent after that. I explained again that if she wanted to talk to or about the girls, or if she was in trouble or sick to call me anytime, but otherwise all I want to talk about was fixing our marriage. She got a little mad that I had repeated myself, much in the same way I do to my 4 and 7 year old to make sure they understood me. That was the end of the conversation. It was all of 5 minutes long, and it was not easy. It was one thing to write her the email but saying it to her, that was hard. But I meant every word. And now, now I'm just looking forward to spending some time with my daughters.

[starting2wakeup]

I feel sick. Physically ill. As it gets closer to the end of our 12 months... I'm worried how the next few weeks are going to play out.

 

I still worry about her, and it makes me feel sick. Why the f**k do I care? She wants a divorce! She doesn't want to work on this family so WHY do I care?!

 

She does want to talk. She says she wants us to be "on the same page" in regards to the children. I don't know about the same page but lets look back on the last 10 chapters / months, shall we. Yeah... this isn't working. It was suppose to be, I have them one week, she has them the next. But it hasn't been like that. In 10 + months there hasn't been 1 week in which she kept the girls for 7 days straight.

 

Last week I took the girls on a vacation of sorts. We visited family and they had a great time. I only spoke to her twice, as I recall. She called once to see what the girls did for the fourth. The other time... maybe she just called once.

 

I can't help but notice, but in the 7 / 8 days we were away from home, only my oldest asked to speak to her mom, once. I'm sure they were distracted by all the fun we were having but... I know they miss her and love her, but it's almost like they know she isn't "there" right now.

 

She did text me the day before we were to come home to tell me that she was throwing up blood and was waiting to hear back from her doctor. When I followed up later in the day, she said the doctors thought her coughing up blood was due to her getting sick / vomiting so often!

 

Several years ago I tried to make peace with the concept of being a widow. Her health was so bad... it seemed inevitable. This however... this is... it hurts. I hate that I'm sitting here typing, feeling sick to my stomach, my guts in a knot, worrying about her. About being alone. About her being alone. About her reaction if/when custody doesn't play out in the way she thinks it will. Because she clearly doesn't care that I worry.

 

F**K!

[updown]

i am so sorry you're going through all of this! she just does not get it, or maybe she just doesn't care that is putting you through all of this. she wants her cake and to eat it too, but in a different way than most of the cheaters here. she wants you to be there for her, and to worry about her, and take care of her, but not as her husband. not as her partner or lover. and it doesn't appear that she wants to do the same for you in return!

 

i cannot fathom why she is doing this. i'm just sorry she is. if i felt the need to contact my stbxh when i was sick or injured, i would certainly not be looking at a divorce. if i needed him to know that something was wrong with me, i would definitely not be leaving him.

 

all i can say is i'm sorry.

 

the thing with the girls not wanting to talk on the phone with her, i think that's normal. my kids rarely ever call their dad. he will call, but only one of them really talks to him. they will call me from time to time, but there are weekends where if i don't call i don't talk to them. i think it's normal.

 

HUGS!!! still praying for you. and just remember, even though 1 yr is up doesn't mean you HAVE to file for divorce. you could sit and work out the details but stay separated for some time. i have heard of people that do that for taxes and health insurance. they just agree to physically move on in their lives. they will never get back together, they are allowed to date and have other relationships, but they just don't legalize the divorce right away.

 

more (((HUGS)))

[starting2wakeup]

August 20th will mark a year of separation. In my state you have to wait 12 months before you can get divorced. Over the past 11 months I think I held up well considering all the sh*t I was put through. I made a lot of mistakes, but I'd like to think I learned from them.

 

I have been neglected, emotionally and physically for so long. I feel, forgotten. I have been raising two young girls almost completely on my own and it's stressful. It takes money I don't have and patience that I struggle to find, but I would not trade my time with them for anything in the world. I have zero time for a personal life. I have but one close friend, who lives a hour away, and I see him once every 2 months, if I'm lucky. I have wrestled with the idea of dating but, I have been in the same relationship for the past 12 years. The idea of putting myself back out into the dating world is as scary as it is exciting. I don't even know where to begin. I haven't, put myself out there, because I know I still have feelings for my wife. I still love her. But I'm not going to let things continue as they have. Something has to change. I have to change.

 

Last week I had my mother watch our 2 girls so that I could talk to my wife alone. She wanted to talk about the girls. I assumed that she meant she wanted to talk about custody, after the divorce. I asked her what she had in mind and she said that she wished to continue the joint custody we currently share per our separation agreement. I made it very clear that what we had been doing was not working, at least for me. I was suppose to have the girls for one week and then she the next. In reality what has happened is that I have them one week, then she would watch them for a day or two, feel ill, and then I watch them for the rest of what should have been her week. She knows, or at least she should know, that if we end up in court the likelihood of me getting full custody of our girls is very high. When the time comes to go to court I do plan on filing for primary custody. I didn't tell her this. All I told her, repeatedly, was that what we had been doing was not working.

 

We had not been talking for long when I stood up and told her what I wanted. I told her she needed to focus on her health. She is very sick and getting better needs to be her #1 priority. I told her I wanted to be involved. I wanted to know what the doctors said and go to appointments when I could. I also didn't want to talk anymore about a divorce and wanted to try and rebuild our relationship. She sat weeping as I talked and when I was done she nodded her head "yes". It has been a week since that talk and there have been some issues.

 

Friday night I texted her to see how she was feeling. The day before she had been in bed all day sick. I went out of my way that evening to bring her something to eat for dinner and so she could see the girls, whom she had not been around for quite some time. I got no response from the text so, worried she was still ill, I called her. There was no answer at her place so I called her cell. After a few rings her cell picked up and I could tell that she was at a bar. Her cell hung up so I called back. I got the same response. Background noise of a bar, but no voice. Needless to say, I was livid. I felt like a horses ass and I told myself, how I act now will show whether or not I have learned anything from the past year.

 

So I follow up the next day and told her what I had heard. She told me she went to local bar and played in a pool tournament. As she talked she kept mentioning how this place was the only place to play pool and, more or less was trying to defined and justify her actions. Of course my point was, here I am thinking you are sick, and there you are, at a bar playing pool.

 

I told her that it was not so much where she was and what she was doing that upset me, it was that when she found herself free, on a Friday night, she didn't think to call me and see what I was doing. She really didn't seem to understand the concept. Here I am, alone, again, wondering if she is feeling alright. Did she eat today? Is she safe? And there she is thinking, about herself. And there's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself, but, it shows we are not on the same page. She still did not seem to understand this. She began to sarcastically apologize for not doing what I thought she should and for not being good enough. I explained that in no way was I trying to tell her what she should and shouldn't do. I would never try and control another person. The only person I can control is me. And if I don't like what another person is doing I can choose to not hang out with, date or be married to that person. Doesn't mean what they are doing is wrong or that they are not good enough as a human being. But I know my own self-worth and what I want. And more importantly, what I don't want. And I don't want to be with a person who acts so selfishly.

 

She got angry at me because we had already had this conversation and she thought we had agreed on the way we were moving forward. I told we had talked about it but that she needed to show with her actions that she was serious about us. She said she was still not sure if she was even ready for a relationship but that she wanted to try and could tell when I talked to her last week that this was her last chance. I told her she was absolutely correct on that assumption. This was it. I told her I was tired of her asking things of me and never giving anything in return. It was clear she wanted me in her life the way she reached out to me, but unless she started giving something back I wasn't going to be there. I'm done being walked over.

 

She said she wanted to work on us but that I needed to understand that she needed patience. I told her given what I had been through the last year, "I'm not sure I have any patience left". I ended the conversation there.

 

I love her, and I'm worried about her, but f*ck her if she thinks things are going to continue the way they have these past 11 months. Honestly, I'm at the point where I am questioning if it has all gone too far already.

[starting2wakeup]

I saw her this morning as I dropped off the girls at her place. She said she was still mad from the conversation we had last night. She thought I was yelling at her and she said she wasn't going to let anyone talk to her like that again. I told her I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like she had again. She asked how she was acting and I told her, selfish. We talked back and forth for a minute but..., I really feel that she just doesn't get it. She said again that she was serious about working on us but truthfully, I don't have the patience that she thinks she deserves.

 

I feel defeated. Maybe that's a good thing.

[imagine]

Look, I'm a fan of the marriagebuilders Plan A and Plan B process: Plan A is being able to be nice and to meet the emotional needs of your spouse -it requires effort and is draining on you. This condition cannot last forever. Usually 6 months.

 

If she responds both of you work honestly through the relationship. If not, you protect yourself. All communication will go through an intermediary. This is so that you can recover and this method is called Plan B. Plan A has opportunity to operate on them while you are restored.

 

There is no Plan C (only Plan D for divorce)

 

Your continued communication causes you to die a thousand deaths and your attitude now compromises Plan A.

 

Buddy, you need a plan.

[updown]

words mean very little. actions mean everything. if her words and actions are not matching up, believe the actions. it is very easy for her to SAY she is willing to try. it's another thing altogether to SHOW someone you MEAN what you are saying!

 

filing for divorce might be a huge wake up call for her. even just a letter from a lawyer laying out some ground work for filing might be enough.......

 

if you look at her behavior, she only wants you there, when she wants you there. otherwise, she doesn't act like she has much need of you. she wants you when she's sick and can't take care of your kids. but, when she feels good enough to go to a bar and play poo,l she wants you to leave her the H alone :-( she has a lot of issues. you're going to continue to give up YOUR life to help her fix HER issues. issues she's not really all that interested in fixing herself........

 

HUGS and prayers sent your way!!!!

[starting2wakeup]

Plan A is being able to be nice and to meet the emotional needs of your spouse -it requires effort and is draining on you. This condition cannot last forever. Usually 6 months.

 

I feel like I have been doing this for 11 months, and yes, it is draining. When she needed something, I was there. Be it a shoulder to cry on or someone to watch the girls. I didn't always say yes, but when she really needed me, and reached out to me, I was there.

 

If she responds both of you work honestly through the relationship. If not, you protect yourself. All communication will go through an intermediary. This is so that you can recover and this method is called Plan B. Plan A has opportunity to operate on them while you are restored.

 

I'm not sure what type of response I should have been looking for, but I haven't seen one that tells me she is taking this all seriously.

 

words mean very little. actions mean everything. if her words and actions are not matching up, believe the actions. it is very easy for her to SAY she is willing to try. it's another thing altogether to SHOW someone you MEAN what you are saying!

 

I agree with you 100% and told her as much in as clear a way as I could.

 

if you look at her behavior, she only wants you there, when she wants you there. otherwise, she doesn't act like she has much need of you. she wants you when she's sick and can't take care of your kids. but, when she feels good enough to go to a bar and play poo,l she wants you to leave her the H alone :-( she has a lot of issues. you're going to continue to give up YOUR life to help her fix HER issues. issues she's not really all that interested in fixing herself........

 

Again, I agree with you 100%. I did my best to explain this to her and I just do not think she gets it. She says she is trying to work on herself but the way she is going about it does not seem smart / sincere / rational.

[starting2wakeup]

Yesterday my wife called me at work to see if I could talk to our youngest at some point during the day. She had been asking for me. I said of course and why can't I just speak to her now? She said because they were driving and asked if I could call or come by later. I told her I could call just before I left work to talk to her or she, my daughter, could call me at work at any time.

 

Later in the day she calls back. She says that the youngest has been asking for me all day and could I talk to her. Of course! So I talk to my daughter and all she wants is me. To see me. I tell her that I will see her soon and that I love her. I talk to my other daughter and that was that. Or so I thought.

 

After work I head home to go for a run. I wanted to run the day before but by the time I got home a rain storm had formed right over my neighborhood. As I'm driving home my wife calls. My daughter REALLY wants to see me. So I start to turn around and head in the direction of her place. I talk to my daughter and try to put her at ease. I can tell by her voice that she is very tired. She hands the phone back to my wife, and she tells me more or less the same. I tell her that I am already heading to her place but if she thinks that our daughter is just tired and will be passed out asleep by the time I get there, then I am going to turn around and go home. She says that she thinks she will fall asleep at any moment and that she would be fine... but I could come over, it was up to me. I told her I was turning around the car and heading home. And I did.

 

As soon as I get home and dressed to go running my phone rings. It's my oldest daughter telling me I need to come over because her sister is acting crazy and just wants to see me. Now, my youngest is without question a "daddy's girl". So I have no doubt that she was asking for me all day and she probably did not feel all that comfortable sleeping at my wife's place, especially given that she and her sister had just stayed with me for three straight weeks prior. That said, my oldest, who is 7, does not know my cell number, just the house number. This means that my wife called my cell and then handed the phone to our oldest rather than just calling me herself OR giving the phone to the 4 year old, the child who wanted to see /talk to me so bad in the first place.

 

So I got in my car and drove over. Every time I spoke to my wife on the phone that day I could hear our daughter screaming / crying in the background for me. When I got to my wife's place however, she was all smiles, happy to see her daddy. It made me feel great. I love my daughters more than anything. I sat down with them both, we read books and they went to sleep. Once they were both asleep I stepped out side on her front porch and sat with my wife while she had a cigarette. I don't smoke BTW. I did at one point but quit cold turkey when I found out I was going to be a father.

 

My wife has gained a bit of weight, in her belly and in her ass. I still find her attractive but this change is noticeable and she did make a comment about it. As we sat there talking about what she and the girls did that day, her stomach grumbled loudly. I asked if everything was alright and she said she was going to be sick. I got up to leave as she stood up to go back inside. I stood there as she went in to make sure she was OK. Before closing the door she leaned out to kiss me on the cheek and after she shut the screen door she mouthed "I love you". I left and went to my parents house as they live very close by and ran 5K as I was already in my running gear.

 

This morning she called to thank me for coming over and to tell me how she had been up all night sick. She asked what I was doing later today, which was her way of asking would I be able to watch the girls tonight. I told her to just call me later, I had to go to work.

[worldgonewrong]

Before closing the door she leaned out to kiss me on the cheek and after she shut the screen door she mouthed "I love you".

 

Gosh. Well, what do you make of that, amigo?

[Tech_E]

I just went back and re-read chunks of your thread to remind myself of what this woman has put you through. In all honesty sometimes the threads on here get inter-mixed together. it's hard to remember sometimes.

 

My opinion after re-reading your thread is you should not be interacting with this woman on this level any more. You should be sticking to your guns and only dealing with her with regards to the children and matters surrounding the divorce only.

 

If your thread is accurate (and I have no reason to believe otherwise) your wife is a massively seflish person that does not respect you in any way shape or form.

 

I do not mean to be harsh but reading what she has put you through was a real eye opener. It's time to move on. I admire your patience but you need to life your life.

[starting2wakeup]

Gosh. Well, what do you make of that, amigo?

 

Good question. I think she does love me, or at least cares for me a great deal. That said, I don't think I have any patience left to deal with someone who says they love me but never does anything about it. I think she knows she made a mistake by leaving. She has told me recently that when she left she thought our situation was unique, that no other couples were dealing with the issues we were. She knows now that is not the case. So her whole outlook on what she did and has been doing was thrown for a loop. But still, her (non)actions remain the same.

[starting2wakeup]

In all honesty sometimes the threads on here get inter-mixed together. it's hard to remember sometimes.

 

You are right about that.

 

My opinion after re-reading your thread is you should not be interacting with this woman on this level any more. You should be sticking to your guns and only dealing with her with regards to the children and matters surrounding the divorce only.

 

This was my goal yesterday. She called once about our daughter and I thought I took care of the situation, but then she called a second time, and a third, and a.... Almost all conversations between us start out with the children or her poor health. But I admit, they often drift off from that point.

 

If your thread is accurate (and I have no reason to believe otherwise) your wife is a massively seflish person that does not respect you in any way shape or form.

 

I try to be as honest as I can when writing here. I know I am far from perfect and have admitted mistakes I have made along the way, both during our marriage and within the last 11 months.

 

Her mother is THE most selfish person I have ever met. If I had one fear going into our marriage it was that she would turn into her mother, but they are/were so different on every level. Do I think she is selfish? I think she is trying to focus on her physical and mental health and I encourage that. But I also think she is neglecting me in the process, the one person who would be there no matter what the situation.

[starting2wakeup]

She just called about 45 minutes ago. She is in bed, has been there for several hours and can't move she is in so much pain. I ask about the girls and she says they are fine, playing in her room or their room where she can see them. I ask does she need to go to the hospital. No, she see's a hematologist first thing Monday and if she goes to the ER all they will do is tell her to do what she is already doing, see a hematologist. I can tell she is tired and very sleepy. I ask if she is going to pass out, because quite frankly it sounds like she might, and she says no, she is just in pain. She is sorry for asking me to take care of the girls but they are her priority and she knows she need to rest.

 

I asked if she could watch them until 4. She says yes and is shocked that its only 2:15. She thought it was much later. I told her I HAVE TO WORK, but I can leave at 4 to pick up the girls. I ask if she would prefer that I just come over and help feed the girls and give them a bath there so that I can help take care of her too? She says no, I'm already doing too much by leaving work early to watch the girls.

 

FU*K IT! AGHHHHH! You need fu*king help. I'm RIGHT HERE and I'm willing to help you. Because I care about you. Because you are the mother of my children and I don't want them to grow up without you but, FU*K!

[Surfer203]

Sounds like she is being a stubborn c***. Maybe she feels weird asking you for help, help that she probably needs. In most circumstances I would ignore her but since your kids are there it's a different story.

[sillysmart]

I am fairly new here but my God man what the hell. She says she does not want to be married and wants a different type of relationship where you just kind of are her friend etc. Well she has had it since leaving you. You keep asking her over and over if she wants to be married and she keeps telling you NO. As the marriage counselor said do you hear her? Neither one of you heard each other. You are both playing a game. My god man move on. She does not want to be your wife. I hate to sound harsh but my God you say you are not going to settle for anything less than her as your wife but you do it day by day by day. Give up. There is a saying lose your life for my sake (Christ) and you will find it. You need help yourself you are completely co-dependent and need to join a support group. You are passing this onto your precious girls who you are teaching to be either like their mother or like you which is completely co-dependent. I am sorry you are in such pain but my God all your caring is a fascade of not caring about yourself. What are you afraid of? You said you are not very social and your daughter has Asperger's. Hey I have a feeling you made a connection with this woman and you are terrified of ever making another or something. LIke I said you need help way behyond this website. Please get it!

[starting2wakeup]

sillysmart, I don't know you and you don't know me, but after reading your post all I wanted to do was to verbally rip you a new @sshole I was so f*cking pissed. Instead I decided to wait, take some time and calm down. I re-read LS's guidelines on Character and Conduct, and now I feel I am ready to respond.

 

I am fairly new here

 

Welcome to LS

 

She says she does not want to be married and wants a different type of relationship where you just kind of are her friend etc.

 

Early on she wanted to divorce and still be friends, yes. I have however made myself very clear in that if she does not want to be in a monogamous relationship then us continuing to be friends is not an option, and she believes me as my actions have shown as much. When my girls are with me, the time we share is ours. I don't share pictures with her. I don't tell her when I go out friends, which is rare yes, but I do try. I don't share my day with her and she understands that unless it's about the girls or her health that I don't want to hear about her day. I have pulled away a number of times and each time she has responded by inching a little closer. Now, have I inched forward when she moves closer, yes, I admit that and I'm working on it.

 

Well she has had it since leaving you. You keep asking her over and over if she wants to be married and she keeps telling you NO. As the marriage counselor said do you hear her? Neither one of you heard each other.

 

I do hear her. Did it take me awhile, yes, but I hear her. That's why I have not mentioned marriage to her in awhile. I have spoken to her about our relationship, and by that we both understand that I am talking about something more than friends. She has issues with the label of marriage and I recognize that. It's an issues she has and only she can address with herself.

 

You are both playing a game.

 

What game is that? What are the rules? How do you win? My life is NOT a game. I take this all very seriously.

 

 

My god man move on. She does not want to be your wife. I hate to sound harsh but my God you say you are not going to settle for anything less than her as your wife but you do it day by day by day.

 

No I don't. Not anymore. I take each day as it comes. Some are better than others but I do not go living under the illusion that today is the day she will wake up and realize what she walked away from. In fact, from day one, I rarely thought like that. No, I live my life as best as I can for me and my girls.

 

Give up.

 

If someone you loved was in trouble would you give up? Let me give you an example. My grandmother is in an assisted living facility. My mother sees her on a weekly basis. Her brothers, one older, one younger, see their mother maybe once every 2 or 3 years. Truthfully, they can't stand to be around her, and neither can my mother. In her old age grandma has turned into quite the b*tch. She's mean and for no good reason. She cries that no one loves her and that her children have left her in this place to die and then the next minute she is calling my mom fat and other names. My mom can't stand it. It has stressed her out to the point where it was starting to effect her physically. So she saw someone about her stress and after awhile she stopped going to see grandma so much. But she didn't give up on her. It's her mother. She loves her. Yes, her words and her actions sometimes caused her pain, but so does the idea of turning her back on her mother who she loves. It's a hard place to be and a hard thing to do. Sometimes you have no choice. My mother may one day have to do like her brothers and only call grandma on her birthday. But she is the only person my grandmother has and she knows it. My wife is sick, and yes, my life may be easier without her around, but I love her and I'm not ready to give up.

 

There is a saying lose your life for my sake (Christ) and you will find it. You need help yourself you are completely co-dependent and need to join a support group.

 

Lets look at the definition of co-dependent: "a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." I don't know that I would use the word excessively but yes, I do want to take care of my wife, and my children. As for lowering myself as a priority in life, I don't see that all. If anything I feel better about myself, both as a father and a man because I have had to step up in both roles in the last year, and I have done so with flying colors I might add.

 

You are passing this onto your precious girls who you are teaching to be either like their mother or like you which is completely co-dependent.

 

This is the sentence that made me furious. This is the sentence that made we want to log in and go on a curse laden rant that would have me banned forever. But like I said, I'm calmer now. I would respectively disagree with you, sillysmart and would suggest that in the future you think twice before commenting on another persons skills as a parent. If there is one thing in my life that I am 100% confident of it is my ability to properly parent my children. In no way shape or form am I teaching my daughters how to be co-dependent. What would you suggest I do when there mother is laying sick in bed and asks that I come by and pick them up? Tell them "Sorry girls. The truth is your mother has issues that are no longer my problem. You're on your own." What I do, every, single, day, is try and do the best I can by those two girls. I go out of my way to make sure that they don't see or hear the negative sh*t that is going on between their mother and I. They know something is up, sure, but they also see that when mommy is sick, which is often, daddy is there to make sure that mommy is ok and more importantly that they are taken care of. They have some sense of stability in their life and that is because of the work and sacrifices that I make.

 

 

I am sorry you are in such pain but my God all your caring is a fascade of not caring about yourself.

 

You spelled facade wrong. I care about myself. At my heaviest I weighed 230. I now weigh 190/192. I lost weight over 2 years ago and I did it by exercising and changing my eating habits. Since the separation I have kept the weight off and added some muscle by continuing to exercise. I occupy what free time I have with creative hobbies and on the rare occasion I can afford a babysitter I go to concerts and see friends. I care about myself a great deal. Hell, I joined LS because I cared enough about myself to put my story out there and so I could get feedback and learn from others who have been where I am now.

 

What are you afraid of? You said you are not very social and your daughter has Asperger's. Hey I have a feeling you made a connection with this woman and you are terrified of ever making another or something. LIke I said you need help way behyond this website. Please get it!

 

Or something is right. I am scared. I am scared that my wife is neglecting herself to the point she doesn't have long to live. I am scared my daughters will grow up without knowing their mother. I'm scared of my wife hurting herself if and when we get divorced and I file for primary custody, which I have full intention of doing. I'm scared of putting myself out there into the dating world again. I'm scared of getting hurt like this again. But at least I know what I am scared.

 

And you spelled beyond wrong.

[starting2wakeup]

So yesterday I leave work early to go pick up the girls from her place. She is in bed and the girls are playing in her room. I walk up to her and the first thing she says is I love you. I wasn't sure if I heard her right so I leaned in and asked her "what?" and she repeated it. "I love you". I responded, "You love me. Then why won't you let me help you?" She said that she didn't need help she just needed to rest. I asked her what was wrong and she said that her skin felt painful to the touch. It was like she had a sunburn all over. The only place she didn't hurt was on the palms of her hands and on the bottom of her feet. It was very strange. I, more or less, tested her comment by touching her arm and it was clear she was in pain. I double checked to see if she needed anything, something to eat, etc. She said she just needed sleep. Hopefully her doctors appointment on Monday will provided some answers as to what in the Hell is going on. I know that they are testing for Lupus as well as Leukemia.

 

I took the girls to the store, bought some ground sirloin and we went home and made really good hamburgers. I gave them a bath, we read a book and they went to sleep.

 

This morning I drop them back off at her place and she looked a little better, but not much. No I love you's this time. She said she was very tired and had been awake since 3 am. I asked if she was going to be able to watch the girls and she said yes.

 

Next week I am taking my girls to the beach. A friend, whose husband is a doctor, is letting us use their beach house for the week. Free place to stay at the beach, can't beat that. We have really been looking forward to it. The only thing that worries me is my wife being left by herself in such a condition, but, she has put herself in this position and, I don't see any real signs of her wanting to change that.

[Surfer203]

I am still confused by her saying ILY.. what is her angle?! Why say it if she doesn't want anything from you? Keep being strong, she has her own problems - they are not yours. Unless it involves your kids.

[starting2wakeup]

I am still confused by her saying ILY.. what is her angle?! Why say it if she doesn't want anything from you? Keep being strong, she has her own problems - they are not yours. Unless it involves your kids.

 

The hard part is that it almost always involves our kids. This may sound nuts to some, given all the pain she has and does cause me, but I am thankful that she at least is able to recognize when she is unable to take care of our girls and feels comfortable enough to call me. If she didn't, I hate to think of what could happen.

 

That said, I do document everything! Every time I have to go over there and pick them up, I document it, and I would suggest that anyone reading this who is in even a remotely similar situation do the same. If you have children, document everything.