What's best for me/her?

[robf1971]

I understand she has a job to do. I can respect that, .

 

I think you've answered your own question.

[robf1971]

A lot has gone down since I last posted, both good and bad, but here is what is bothering me, right now. I woke up last night at around 3:00 AM with the worst sore throat I have ever had in my life. I felt like I was going to die. Like someone had taken a knife and stabbed my throat from the inside repeatedly. I was up for an hour, trying everything I could think of to help the pain to no avail. I have the girls this week and all I could think of while rocking back and forth in agony was, "there is no way I am going to be able to take care of them." My body ached, I felt like $h!t and the last thing I wanted to do was pass on what ever bug I had to them. My parents are out of town, so I couldn't call them and my W was suppose to leave first thing in the morning to go to D.C. for work, for the last time, according to her. I knew that when the sun rose if I still felt the same I would need to see a doctor right away. I sent my W a text that simply said "very sick" and laid back down. I knew she would see it when she woke up and would call. Hopefully we could figure something out, as far as the girls were concerned.

 

Much to my surprise she texted me right back, "did you just send this?". We then proceeded to text back and forth for about 10 / 15 minutes. Why was she up at 3 in the morning too? According to her she was up having panic attacks. About what, she wouldn't say. Her texts were, scary. She was "freaking out" - her words - but wouldn't tell me why, and while that bothers me, what is really getting under my skin...

 

I did not in the slightest expect her to take care of me in any way, but I did expect her to step up and offer to take care of the girls, as I have done more times than I can count in just the last 6 months alone. Actually, that's not true. I keep a record of every time I have to watch the girls because she is sick, so I know exactly how many times. I will and have dropped the world to help when she was sick. If for whatever reason she felt like she couldn't give the girls proper care I would step in and help. For the first time, in years mind you, here I am needing help and she has none to offer. And it burns. I understand she has a job to do. I can respect that, but she knows I would not ask for help unless I truly needed it. I needed her help today, not as a wife but as a co-parent. I got nothing.

 

I was able to call my doctor and get some pretty heavy duty meds today. I didn't go to work and did my best to keep the girls at arms length, which is so hard. They want a hug and all I can do is half-ass it. I do not want to get them sick.

 

Again, much more has happened since my last post but this, this stings. I feel like it has set things back. It's certainly not attractive behavior.

 

She called once she got to her destination in D.C. to let me know she got there safe. "I'm going to eat, take a bath and then probably go to bed". "Ok, well I'm going to curl into a ball, fight back tears of pain and pass out, oh wait, I can't do that, I have two daughters to raise." Obviously I just thought that. I did tell her that we needed to talk, and we do.

 

I'll be brutal. I think you should have left your wife out of this one. Maybe when she is sick and with the kids you shouldn't be so willing to drop everything either

[starting2wakeup]

Update. I spoke to my W over the phone this morning for about an hour. The whole conversation revolved around the panic attack she had had the night before leaving for D.C. In short, it looks like she has a stalker.

 

There is a meter reader who is harassing her. He approached her last week. He came to her door shortly after she hadn't gotten home with the girls and claimed to have some questions about her water bill. Before he left he mentioned that, while he was married he would still like to take her our sometime. My W told him point blank "No". She then said that he appeared very disgruntled and said he would be back next week to check again, on the water. He apparently showed up again this week and spoke to the people who are currently doing some renovations at the home where my W stays. This ********* brought up the same questions about the water bill but also inquired as to how many people lived in the home. The workers gave him no info, said they were just help, they didn't know anything. My W has inquired to her neighbors to see if they had any encounters with this guy, as he claimed that everyone in the area was going to be effected by a rate hike. None of the neighbors had been contacted by anyone.

 

Based on what she has told me, this ********* is a stalker. She described him as very tall and very built / strong. Her panic attacks struck that night out of fear of this guy, and rightfully so. She was going to have her boss, the owner of the home, call the water department and inquire about the bill and report the harassment. Which is all fine and good - something needs to be done / said - but here is my dilemma...

 

I'm not there to protect her! and I don't want my kids staying there! I don't want her staying there either but what choice do I have? She may not want me to be her husband, but I am, legally. She is my wife. I care for her deeply and I want to protect her but, she may/does not want me to be her husband. I think. I don't know anymore. Part of me wants to tell her to come home. I can protect her here. She is safe here. At least safer than being at that place. And I sure as Hell don't feel comfortable leaving my children there.

 

Some may recall from prior posts that my W has been sexually assaulted on more than one occasion. As such she has a sixth sense about these things, by which I mean, she "felt" what this A-hole was after and she "felt" his anger when she rejected him. And the fact that he came back is a huge red flag in my book. He didn't threaten her so the police can't really do much at this point but dammit if I ever see this guy...

 

I don't know what to do. I want to step up and protect her. I offered to call the water dept and look into this guy, report him, but she wants to handle it her way. I can tell she is scared. I worry about her. And my girls! I worried when they were over there before but now! My head is spinning! What do I do? My W is being harassed and I want to step in and help but because of the separation, I don't know what boundaries to cross and which to respect.

[starting2wakeup]

W is still out of town. She comes back late tomorrow. Haven't heard anything more about the "stalker" situation. I tired my best to put it out of my mind, as there is little I can do about it at the moment but knowing that my kids are suppose to stay at her place some of next week bothers the Hell out of me.

 

I'm going to try and give a little more insight as to our interactions last week. Not sure where to begin. I'll try to just hit the bullet points so as not to drag on this post.

 

My wife told me she felt a "tingle" after hugging me one day. She said it was something she hadn't felt in awhile. By "tingle" she ment sexual response.

 

While talking one night she told me that "just because our marriage didn't work, didn't mean that we still couldn't be partners". This statement pissed me off initially, and it still kind of does. In my mind the marriage didn't work because she gave up on it. That's not to say that we were not both at fault in maintaining a health relationship, but I never gave up on it.

 

I asked her if she planed to proceed with a divorce no matter what, whether we were getting along together or not. I only asked because she had alluded to such earlier in the conversation. She said she didn't know. The more I think about this the more it bothers me.

 

My W has a small tattoo on her back that she got when she was young. She told me she wanted to cover it up and that she had an idea for a design in mind. She asked if I would draw it for it. I was really blown over by this. I told her of course. We had talked in the past about getting matching tattoos, something special to us. She said she was still open to the idea. Well today I spoke to her very breifly and all she really wanted to tell me about was how she had gotten her tattoo covered up with another one. This REALLY hurt. I know it is foolish to read into her words and try to decipher their meanings but, I took her asking me to help draw her a new tattoo as something... I don't know, something more than a friendly request. She probably thought nothing of it at the time but...

 

My IC told me something I try and constantly remind myself of, to stop doing and thinking of things that hurt me. I feel like I have fallen into the trap repeatedly over the last few days. After finding out about the "stalker" situation I did something that I'm sure most here would say was stupid, and I wouldn't argue. I asked her if she had ever thought about moving home. Looking back, I asked because I was scared of her staying by herself. I want to protect her. She said "yes, but not recently".

 

If I'm being 100% honest with my own feelings, with myself... this whole idea of getting to know each other, it hurts. In talking to her and looking back at the months we have been apart, it's fairly clear that she has not addressed many of the issues that she needs to. She's made steps, yes, but, I fear that... I fear that I am hurting myself and regressing in my own personal progress. I keep thinking two things. One moment I feel like we are destined to be together, and that the time we are apart is a waste. A waste of moments as a family. The next moment I think, either we are together, as husband or wife, or we are apart, as parents who only see each other on children's birthdays. I don't know if either of those are healthy thoughts, and I acknowledge that. Just as I acknowledge that I am in pain now.

 

What do I want? I want to be with my wife, moving forward as a couple or I want to move on with my life. Why am I thinking this way? Because I have seen glimmers of hope and watched it ripped away as quickly as they appeared. And it hurts, and I'm tired of hurting. I'm not taking life one day at a time. I was. And I was better then. I was focused on myself and my girls. I have to do something. But what?

[Windsurf66]

My heart goes out for you, OP, to endure this limbo for the past few months.

 

It really seemed like your wife is going back and forth, and somehow stringing you along, by intermittently dropping bits of hope, then crushing it. I am not sure, but just got the feeling. Maybe she is unsure herself.

 

At the same time, she has also dropped a hint to you, "just because our marriage didn't work, didn't mean that we still couldn't be partners". I do not know what is her definition of partner, but i guess it can be as parents, friends and perhaps even sex partner occasionally. It will be good for you to seek further clarification on her feelings on this "partner" thing. Because it might be something that you wish to consider, in order to put an end to this limbo and your misery that comes with it.

 

"What do I want? I want to be with my wife, moving forward as a couple or I want to move on with my life."

 

In relation to what i said above, is there somewhere in between the 2 extremes of your choices? From what i deduced after reading your current and previous threads, your wife wants something in between. She wants you more like a best friend whom she can get emotional support from, a co-parent to bring up the kids, and a f*ck buddy occasionally to satisfy her cravings.

 

Why not give her what she wants? At the same time, explore with other people and move on yourself. This will preserve your sanity as you will no longer keep thinking about reconcilation, and also put you in a good r/s with your wife to allow the possibility of future reconcilation (if things are meant to be). In simple words, just move on and dun have any more hopes, but if she comes back later on, and you are still available, you can then consider.

[starting2wakeup]

So, Valentines Day. I got cards for my girls, but nothing for my W. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. Even when I was in line at the grocery the day before Valentines, and I was surrounded by men scrambling to and fro, desperately trying to buy just the right card and just the right bouquet flowers, the thought of buying her something never popped up. I however, must have been on her mind.

 

The morning of Valentines I got an ecard from my W. It was short and, friendly. Not romantic or loving, just friendly. I thought about sending her one but chose against it. She then called shortly after to wish me a Happy Valentines Day. I wished her the same. She then told me about what a rough night she had because she kept having nightmares. One was about me. Apparently, in the dream, I had meet this new girl. My W and I were trying to make things work but I wanted to be with this new girl so I sat my W down and told her that I had found someone else and we were getting married. I did not comment to her about this dream. I just listened.

 

Later on in the day, after lunch, my youngest daughters school called to tell me that she was running a fever. I left work right away to pick her up and along the way called my W to tell her what was going on. She offered to pick up my oldest from school so that I could take the baby straight home and take care of her. I told her that would be great and thanked her for helping. When she arrived at my house, after picking up our oldest from school, she had three roses, one for each of our daughters and one for me. I of course had nothing for her. I felt bad and told her so. I thanked her for the rose and explained that I had not really thought about Valentines this year. It simply was not on my mind. Which was the truth. She didn't really say anything. I also spoke briefly about my concerns with the girls staying at her place, what with her "stalker" and all.

 

My W and I have been borderline NC ever since she got back from D.C. last Monday. I've been doing my own thing and she's been doing hers, which according to her is all work, so we really haven't had a chance to speak about that whole situation. Or anything for that matter. I have basically been giving her space and trying to focus on me. That, and I've been raising two kids by myself which doesn't leave one with a whole lot of free time. Especially when both are sick with the flu!

 

Back to the "stalker" situation. My W's boss called the water dept and had the routes changed so the same guy would have no reason for being around the place he is renting my W. He also mentioned his military background and about how he has a gun on him at all times. Great. I explained to my W that I realized that I have rational fears and irrational fears about the situation. The irrational, are my problem and just that, irrational. The rational ones however, they needed to be addressed. I don't feel comfortable with my children at her house. So what if this guy is no longer on your route, he still knows where you live. I know there is nothing I can do about it but, I felt like I had to say something. She tried to put my mind at ease, that they would be safe at her place but, it didn't help much. I also told her that I had been trying to make the time to talk with her. She had expressed the desire to get to know me and for me to get to know her, but she had yet to make the time. She acknowledged that I had tried and that she had yet/never followed through.

 

 

The longer we are apart the more I feel like it may be too late for us. At one point my W told me I was flip flopping on what it was I wanted. And she was right, at the time. Now however, it's all her. First she left. I told her I was moving on and to let me know if she would be interested in counseling. She told me she was and we went to 1 MC session. In that session she told me she didn't want to be my wife. Some time later she calls me and asks how I "see" her. Was she just another woman? She said she wanted me to get to know her and she in turn wanted to get to know me. But when I put myself out there and try to get to know her, I get nothing back.

 

Not sure what to do, except keep raising my kids and working on me. I'll say it again, because it keeps coming up in my mind, the longer this separation goes, the less likely I see us working things out.

[westsnimeugssg]

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[tojaz]

Time to step it up S2W. NC is not a fix-all! She has told you she feels like your flip flopping and you've told her she has failed to make time for you. Set a date and let her decide. Just tell her if she wants to talk about it heres an opportunity and all she has to do is show up, and then take it from there.

 

 

TOJAZ

[debtman]

s2wu, sorry you're in such a tough spot. Here's all I can tell you...move on, for your own sake and for the sake of your daughters. Even if your wife hasn't decided what she wants, YOU know what YOU want. You want to be happy. You can't do it stuck in this limbo, believe me. I'm not telling you to give up on your M or on your W, but you need to work on what you CAN work on, YOU.

 

You're a good guy, you're a great dad, you love your W, but you can't fix her. All you can do is make yourself as happy as you can. When she starts waffling and flipping and asking what you want, I would be straight up with her and tell her you love her, you want the M to work, but you know it won't if you don't BOTH want that and aren't BOTH willing to work together (MC, IC, FIXING problems, etc.) to fix it.

 

You deserve a relationship where BOTH people are working towards the same goal. It doesn't sound like she knows what she wants and she just wants you to hang out and be as miserable as she is until she sees if there's anything better out there.

 

Take my word on this, if she keeps looking, she'll find something that she thinks is better, at least initially and then, she'll make her decision and you'll have been miserable and waiting the whole time.

 

Just my 2 cents. Make yourself happy, confident and focus on you and your daughters. Let your wife go, you can't make decisions for her and, as much as it hurts, you can't change her mind or make her see reason, all you will do is make yourself crazy trying to figure her out.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[starting2wakeup]

Time to step it up S2W. NC is not a fix-all! She has told you she feels like your flip flopping and you've told her she has failed to make time for you. Set a date and let her decide. Just tell her if she wants to talk about it heres an opportunity and all she has to do is show up, and then take it from there.

 

 

TOJAZ, this is exactly what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. I am well aware that NC is not a fix all, especially in regards to my W and I's relationship, but it has helped me and my own personal growth. As has the support and advice from LS. I'm a better parent now than I ever was and I have a better understanding of what it is I want out of life and a relationship.

 

I plan on inviting my W over Sunday night. If she shows up, I plan on telling her exactly how I feel about us. It's clear that my W doesn't know what she wants. I on the other hand do. I love her and would like to work toward saving the marriage. If she feels the same then I think we should be in MC as well as IC. I don't see this as an option. If she's not willing to go to MC, then I don't think I would ever feel like she is taking me or the relationship seriously. I would like to work toward her moving back in with me - not now mind you, but down the road - and on us growing as a family and as a married couple. If she does not want to be married, under any circumstance, then this isn't going to work. I've tried to picture us as a couple but not married and I just don't see it. This is something she has alluded to but, it's not what I want.

 

If she doesn't show up, then I'm sticking to NC/LC, and I'm doing so for me. Because I'm tired of waiting. I want/need to move forward. I have made great personal strides in the last few months and I'd like to continue down that path.

 

debtman, thank you as always for your support. I am keeping the focus on me and my girls, whether my W wants to work things out or not. I feel like I've reached that point. The point where either we are on the same path or we go our seperate ways. Either way, I can honestly say I am prepared to move forward.

[debtman]

Fabulous post. Sounds like a great idea. Nothing more you can do than let her know what you want, where you are, give her a chance to REALLY commit and, if she can't, move on, focus on you and your daughters.

 

You've made a lot of progress, worked through a lot of pain and grown a lot since your first post. You've gained confidence, realized what really matters to YOU and it's time to share that and let her make a decision.

 

You are spot on with MC and IC. There's no other option for the relationship to succeed and become healthy and lasting.

 

Be careful you don't make it sounds like some sort of ultimatum just be clear that you're just sharing how you feel and what you want. If it's not what she wants, then it's time to move on.

 

Good luck and let us know!

[tojaz]

TOJAZ, this is exactly what I've been thinking about for the last couple of days. I am well aware that NC is not a fix all, especially in regards to my W and I's relationship, but it has helped me and my own personal growth. As has the support and advice from LS. I'm a better parent now than I ever was and I have a better understanding of what it is I want out of life and a relationship.

 

I plan on inviting my W over Sunday night. If she shows up, I plan on telling her exactly how I feel about us. It's clear that my W doesn't know what she wants. I on the other hand do. I love her and would like to work toward saving the marriage. If she feels the same then I think we should be in MC as well as IC. I don't see this as an option. If she's not willing to go to MC, then I don't think I would ever feel like she is taking me or the relationship seriously. I would like to work toward her moving back in with me - not now mind you, but down the road - and on us growing as a family and as a married couple. If she does not want to be married, under any circumstance, then this isn't going to work. I've tried to picture us as a couple but not married and I just don't see it. This is something she has alluded to but, it's not what I want.

 

If she doesn't show up, then I'm sticking to NC/LC, and I'm doing so for me. Because I'm tired of waiting. I want/need to move forward. I have made great personal strides in the last few months and I'd like to continue down that path.

 

You got it S2W!!! You have my applause! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

I would be careful of throwing ultimatums around at this point(I know you want to) but i agree, its definitely time for you both to lay your cards down.

 

Good for you S2W and best of luck!!!

 

TOJAZ

[starting2wakeup]

Saw my W briefly today. She picked up the girls from my mothers house and brought them to mine. She told me she wanted to have me over for dinner sometime next week and wondered what I wanted to have. I told her that what ever her and the girls were going to make was fine. She then explained that she wanted to make me dinner. A dinner for just the two of us. I told her I would love to but that I needed to know what day, as I have a very busy schedule next week, which is the complete truth. I am painting my grandmothers house, as she is planning on putting it on the market next month. In the evenings, after my day job, is the only time I will have to paint.

 

I asked if she had gotten my email about Sunday. She said she hadn't check her email is several days, which is very strange for her but, whatever. The reason I sent her an email asking if we could meet Sunday was because I knew she checked her email every morning. Since she was there I told her basically what I had written her, that I had a very busy weekend ahead of me, and I knew that she did too, but that was going to make sure to be home by 5 on Sunday. I told her that I would like it if she could come over so that we could talk, after the girls went to sleep. I let her know that she was welcome to have dinner with us and help tuck in the kids at night, but that I was specifically making time so that we could sit down and catch up.

 

She understood and did not turn down the offer, nor did she accept. Well see what happens. If she doesn't show up, I do plan on taking her up on her offer for dinner. Either way/day, I'm ready to lay my cards out on the table, so to speak.

[starting2wakeup]

She didn't show. I talked to her for a few minutes earlier today and asked if she was coming over. She said she wasn't feeling well and that that is why she suggested I come over to her place for dinner some day this week. I, politely, called her out on her BS. When we spoke yesterday she said she had yet to read my email, and when I told her what the email was about, it was AFTER she had asked me over for dinner. Anyway, she said that she would call if she was not able to make it over tonight. She didn't show and she didn't call.

 

I am going to take her up on her offer for dinner, two nights from tonight. If that falls through, then I'm moving on. In the brief conversations that we have had, it's clear that she is able to make time for her "job", her family and other personal interests. If she can't make the time for me, even after she herself has asked for it, then what's the point.

 

Someone on LS has/had the signature, and I'm paraphrasing, "Never Make Someone a Priority, When all you are to them is an Option". Damn straight!

[starting2wakeup]

I spoke to my W yesterday, over the phone from my office. She said she had pneumonia and wasn't feeling well. I asked if she thought she was well enough to watch over the girls as she has them this week. She said yes. I asked if I was still invited to dinner and if we could still talk. She said she was going to bed early, which was her way of saying "no".

 

I then told her that I had tried on several occasions to make the time to talk to her and that not once had she come through. I told her I was done. If she wanted to talk, to "get to know each other", as she suggested, then to let me know when she was available but that I was done asking. I told her that I was frustrated. She can make time for her job (whatever it is) and other friends, but never for me. She told me it wasn't her fault that she had gotten sick. That she had been sick for weeks. Well, so have I. Granted I feel a lot better now, but I feel like s**t for weeks too and during those week, actually for the last 3 weeks, I also had to work and take care of our 2 daughters, by myself. She wasn't so sick that she couldn't jump whenever her employer said so and honestly, when isn't she sick. This really hurt her. I said it in as nice a way as possible, I swear, buts it's the God's honest truth. In the 12 years I have known her she has been sick for 11 of them.

 

I was blunt but not cruel in talking to her. I spoke only of my feelings and of fact SHE had told me. The Sunday night I asked her to come over and talk, she said she didn't because she was sick. But she also told me about how bad she felt because a male friend (a guy who is engaged to one of her female friends) had dropped by her house that night and talked her ear off before leaving around 10 pm, when he abruptly wrapped his car around a telephone pole. She felt bad because she had no idea when talking to him that he was drunk. WHAT!? You are too sick to talk to me but some drunk, male friend can come over in the middle of the night and "talk your ear off"! I mention this and her response was, "he wasn't there that long and what am I suppose to do, he just showed up and talked to me on my porch for 30 minutes". Well, you could have said, "I'm sorry but I don't feel well, can I talk to you later" and then went back to bed, but she didn't, she made time for him and that's all I was asking for. And who in the Hell are these friends of yours!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Alright, so as I was writing this post my W stopped by my office to pick up our youngest daughters pillow. The pillow makes her feel safe and helps her to get to sleep in a strange place, like my W's place. We spoke for maybe 3 minutes. I know this is dangerous and probably ill advised, but I want to break down this conversation.

 

W - "Can you tell me what it is you want to talk about?" - She's been thinking about why I went out of my way to set up a time to talk to her and it's bothering her that I have told her I am going to stop.

 

Me - "No not right now." - She is in her car outside my office. I'm standing outside, still on the clock. I can't exactly get into a lengthy conversation with her.

 

W - "You hate when I do that." - And I do. I hate when I ask her a question and she tells me that she can't get into at that moment. Why? Because I automatically assume the worse. This is something I am working on. But again, she is right, so I tell her the short version.

 

Me - "Several weeks ago you expressed the desire to get to know me better and for me to get to know you. I have tried on several occasions to make time for that, to talk. But you never have the time for me. I want to talk about us and the girls."

 

W - "What about the girls." - She's upset now, mad even. She has on more than one occasion expressed the fear that I would take the girls away from her. Why? Beats me. I wonder if she knows she is not physically capable of taking care of them.

 

Me - "I just want to talk about them." - and I do. I'm worried about them. And her. She has pneumonia for Christ sake. Both girls just got over the flu. The last thing they need is to sick again.

 

W - "OK, well I've done the best that I can to make time for you."

 

Me - "Well I see it differently. Maybe if we had the time to talk and actually get know what is going on in our lives, we could see eye to eye."

 

At this point it is very clear that she is mad.

 

Me - "Why are you mad?"

 

W - "Because I need to go pick up the kids and go to the store"

 

WTF! You came to ME. You asked ME a question. And now it's MY fault!? Somehow I'm keeping you from going about your daily routine. I didn't say anything, I just stepped back from her car so she could go. She didn't move.

 

I asked if she still felt the same way. Did she still want me to get to know her. She said yes, but I could tell in her face and by her voice, she was mad. She may be assuming the worse. That I want to talk to her because all I have are bad things to say, negative comments, I don't know. I do know that I'm sick of this s**t. If she wanted to talk to me - and I mean really talk, not a quick, I'm going to pop by your office when I know you are not available to talk for more than 5 minutes - if she wanted to "get to know me", then she would make the time to do so, like I did. I tried. I really did.

[debtman]

I tried. I really did.

 

 

...and she didn't. And she hasn't. She's playing with your emotions, she's stringing you along. She's trying to buy time so she can figure out what she wants to do while keeping you there as her back-up in case whatever new situation she's envisioning doesn't work out.

 

I don't know the whole situation. I know you still love her and want to work things out with her. I know you feel it would be the best thing for your daughter.

 

You and your daughter may both be better off if you just move on, do 180, go LC, only talk about your daughter and let your W deal with her own issues. She's not your problem anymore. You're not her support staff anymore...

 

Good luck...keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

I took an early lunch today to finally speak to my W. She called me earlier in the day and asked if I had time to talk. Right away she gave me a timeline of when she was available, so I knew going in that we had less than an hour to talk but I decided to take what I could get.

 

It has been 6 months since we legally separated. Where I live we have another 6 to go before we can divorce. I asked her where she stood in regards to us. She said she felt the same way she has in the last few months, that we are different people now and that she doesn't feel like she knows me. She did however still want to get to know me and for me to get to know her. She said that when she does speak/see me, that half of the time I am sweet and things are nice, but that the other half of the time she feels pressured. She admitted that I was doing nothing to make her feel this "pressure".

 

I asked her about marriage, did she want to work toward saving the relationship, or was she done with marriage altogether. She said she was done. I then told her how I felt. That I wanted to work on the marriage. That I wanted to work on her coming home / moving back in one day. That I wanted to be husband and wife. I told her that I felt like for either of us to move forward that we needed to know how the other felt. We were either on the same page or we weren't. And it seemed like we weren't.

 

We talked back and forth and one point she said that I was telling her that either we worked toward saving the marriage or that was it. That she had to agree to that goal or nothing. I told her that I was in no way giving her an ultimatum. That I was trying to be honest with myself and with her. If she didn't want to be my wife, that was her choice. I just wanted her to know how I felt and how I was thinking. I told her how her actions and words were confusing to me. One day she no longer wants to be wife, the next she wants me to get to know her. I told her that I couldn't keep going on like this, allowing my heart to pulled around by a string. I told her how she had already broken my heart once by leaving. Now she wanted to hang out more. I explained that in doing that I would be opening myself up for potential pain all over again. What happens if we start to go out more and get to know each other and then she decides that she really doesn't want to be with me, or vice versa. That's a huge risk on my part. On both of us. I told her I was willing to take that risk if we had the same, or even similar goal in mind. Clearly, we don't. It seems like the only thing she does know is that she does not want to be married.

 

She also tried to justify her leaving in the first place. Thinking back, her explanation was horses**t, but why dwell on that. At this point I feel like I know what I need to know. She's not willing to try. She says she is, but only to a point. I've already mourned the loss of our marriage, of our family unit as it was and could have been. I'm trying to work on me and on my children. I was willing to take a risk and honestly try to see if we could save the marriage but, her heart does not seem to be in it. My heart, well my heart has learned a lot.

 

I can't keep letting her uncertainty bring me down. I feel like I need to move forward instead of standing still. It appears for me to move forward I have to leave her behind as she no longer wants to move forward with me. I mentioned counseling when we first started talking. By the end of the conversation she brought it back up as if she were open to the idea. But I feel like we tried that. I'm willing to try it again but I don't feel like her attitude has changed to the point where it would be productive. I don't want to go if she is only going to give the same answers.

 

At this point I am very much open to thoughts and opinions. I feel like LC is the way to go, I'm just not sure how far to take it. I have a FB, I never check it, and while my W is listed as one of my "friends", I have her posts hidden. I thought about just deleting and blocking her. I have no idea how she would take this, but I'd like to get get rid of anything that might lead to me backsliding and checking out her posts. I also still have a closet full of her junk at my house. It's been 6 months and she's never asked for it. It just sits there. Granted it's a closet I never use but, I just feel like I need to accept reality and move forward. Getting ride of any and all triggers of her feels like a good step forward. I don't know. All I do know is I'm not giving up on me.

Edited February 24, 2011 by starting2wakeup

[debtman]

S2w,

 

Sorry to hear about her decision, but, much like my wife finding the OM, at least you know where you stand, you have done what you could to save the relationship and you've been given the sign you need to know that she's not on board. So, it's time to move on.

 

Focus on you, focus on the girls, focus on finalizing the divorce. Is there not "no fault" divorce in your state? I'm in NY and they just passed that this year and I was told by our mediator that we can get divorced at any point now and don't need to wait the 1 year separation that you used to.

 

Don't be her back-up plan. Don't be her "friend." All she is to you now is a co-parent. Don't be mean because you don't want things to get nasty as far as child support and visitation, but the only thing you need to "share" with her anymore are things that relate to the kids. Go as much LC as you can. It's tricky with the kids, my W calls or emails almost every day to "update" me on the kids and she always tries to start conversation about other topics and I just give her brief responses and tell her I have to go.

 

My W "lives" on FB, so I hid her posts and rarely go check my account (since I still see her posts when mutual friends comment on them). As soon as the papers are signed, I will block her. I'm waiting until she moves out and the paperwork is signed because I know it will make her mad, but, I just don't want to see her posts anymore, don't want to know about her day to day fake-ness. I'm done with her other than the kids. I just need to wait until she's moved out and the papers are signed before I let her know that.

 

SHE made the decision to end the M, SHE made the decision to cheat and end the relationship. I made the decision to not let her know how angry and hurt I am anymore because the kids are more important than my feelings and, I'll work those out for myself.

 

I realize that life is fabulous. It's not the way I planned, but, every day is a gift. Every moment with my kids is invaluable and I have SO many things planned that will let me live my life they way I want to, I'm looking forward to it...Plus, I get back in the house next weekend and I can't WAIT for that!

 

Keep posting...keep moving forward...you're making good decisions, doing what you need to do for you and your daughters. They need stability and happiness in their lives and you can provide that for them.

 

Good luck!

[starting2wakeup]

After meeting with my therapist last week it was decided that an ultimatum or deadline of sorts may be what is needed in my situation. Not to sway my W one way or the other, but more so as a way for me to move forward. So last night I wrote my wife an email. I sat in front of the computer for 2 and a half hours trying to make sure I said exactly how I felt. Given the time I spent thinking about it the email was surprisingly short. I explained how it hurt that she made time for everyone but me. I ended the email thusly, "If things continue as they are, if you have zero desire in trying to mend our relationship, then when the 12 months are up I will file for divorce. While I am hopeful that we will continue to respect each other as co-parents, I simply do not see a future for us outside of marriage."

 

And that is exactly how I feel. We've been separated for 6 months and I feel more apart from her now than ever before. If she no longer wishes to be my wife, then I'd like to move on, work on myself and allow myself the opportunity to find someone who will appreciate me. I will honor my marriage vow until a divorce is in place, but when the 12 months are up, I will take the steps to move for a divorce. It's certainly not how I thought my life would play out. When I said "till death do us part", I meant it. But I deserve to be happy, and right now, I'm not.

 

She responded to my email early this morning and well, here is what she said.

 

"I am sorry my emotions have been very scattered lately; especially around you.

 

In my life here; I feel very transient, even though I have a place to stay- it does not feel like my home yet. I thought this was more due to the fact that people came in and out of it all the time- like (names employer and his fiancée), and now the workers. But, it is more than that. I do not feel I have a place anywhere right now. I feel anxious at your house because even though I helped shape it, it no longer feels like my home when I walk in the door. I feel like I am an intrusion.

 

As far as being around you, I believe my impatience is due to the fact that I feel guilty and am unable to forgive myself. I still believe that I was valid in my decision to leave. However, I wish I could have left before I had caused you further pain. I wish I realized earlier what was going on with me and not have tried to hide from it in the bedroom or chase it down outside the house. I am so sorry for that. I am ashamed that I left you. You are a wonderful man, and you do not deserve what I have to give

or what I ever had for that matter. Every time I see you, I feel small and unworthy. I feel pushed because I don't trust myself not to hurt you again due to my indecision. In short, I have not turned 'into my Mother'. I have not turned into a psychotic b****.

I am simply ashamed and feel the need to protect myself from you and vice versa. I don't want there to be any more pain. I have a guttural pain around you and it makes me angry because I know I have hurt you. Every time I see you, I am reminded of how the eclipse I caused has tormented everyone I have loved.

I am sorry I have caused you more agony. I just don't know what to do about it."

 

Here's what struck me first about this email. (1) I have never called her a psychotic b****. I have told her recently that she sounded like her mother, because she did. As soon as I hung up the phone I couldn't help but think, "Wow, maybe I have really dodged a bullet here, because if she is becoming more like her mother, well, that is the LAST person on Earth I would ever want to spend time with". (2) Not once does she say that she loves me or wishes to try and make things work.

 

It's hard not to try and analyze her email. I don't want to because I know it's pointless to try and read into her words but I can't help it. So I'm posting here, see what LS thinks. I think I need to keep moving forward. I feel like I have taken a step in the right direction. A direction that will lead to me finding eventual happiness. For the next 6 months I am going to work on me and take care of my kids. I'm going to try my best to not worry about her or us. She knows where I stand. I love her, and I know that no matter what, she will always hold a special place in my heart. If she decides that she wants to try and work on our relationship, then she knows where to find me. But I'm not going to wait around forever. We have 6 more months before the state in which we live will lets us divorce. In 6 months I hope to be a better man and father than I am today, and if she doesn't want me, I will take the steps necessary to allow myself the opportunity to continue growing.

[starting2wakeup]

Spoke to W for over an hour this afternoon. Most of the talk was just rehashing what was said in our email exchanges. She did however say something that I've never heard her say before. She admitted that she felt like she was acting like her father. Or that she was afraid she was/would act like him. Her father was never there for her, or her sisters. He was abusive to his wife, her mother, he cheated and is all around not right in the head. Several years ago he went completely off his rocker and ran away with one of his patients, he's a doctor. The girl was the same age as his middle daughter at the time. He was missing for several weeks before he eventually turned up. He was found in the parking lot of a hotel, living out of his car. I was there to help when he was found. The car was a mess, filled with porno mags and discarded liquor bottles. He was taken to a hospital where he was diagnosed bi-polar with schizophrenic tendencies. He is now back with his second wife, medicated and back to practicing medicine.

 

When she first started acting out the thought did cross my mind that she was acting like her father but... looking back, I was stupid and blinded by love.

 

She said over the phone that she still has the desire to try something, I'm not sure what, but that I had put up a stipulation that she couldn't agree to. I told her that I was just being honest with her, if we were to honestly try to make things work my goal would be to remain husband and wife, she doesn't want that. She admitted, in not so many words, that her current troubles are mental. I, in plain English, told her that I agreed. Something is wrong with her and she needs help. What is difficult for me is that she does not want me to help her in any way. She wants to do it on her own and frankly, I don't think she is capable.

 

I feel so bad for her. She has no one, and the one person who does what to help her, me, is the one person she does not want help from.

[starting2wakeup]

Feeling very low. I can feel the tears waiting behind my eyes, fighting to burst free. It's times like these in which I realize how little support I have where I live. My family is so busy. The few close friends I do have, all live hours away, with their own wifes and familes. I don't have the girls this week, I know that is making things worse.

 

I am trying to keep myself busy. Exercise, movies, work, etc. It just the finality of my situation is becoming so heavy.

 

Went NC all day yesterday. It was hard because I wanted to talk to my girls but I knew I needed it. A break. Sometime for me. Work is getting progressively harder to deal with. I know that's not helping my situation at all. I am very unhappy at my job. Very unhappy in my (declining/ending) relationship. But I have my children and I have the hope for a brighter future. Still, today, today is rough.

[worldgonewrong]

Hang in there, buddy. I know how you feel.

[debtman]

s2wu,

 

Hang in there. This is, by far, the worst part. There's nothing that will fix the big hole she ripped in your chest except time. The only ways to help relieve it are to try to focus on the present. You have a job, more than a lot of people can say. You have beautiful kids that need you (and will need you more and more as they get older and start to come at odds with the insanity around them) and, most importantly, you've got opportunities and a wide open future.

 

It gets better. The hurt will be there for a long time and it will come back hard once and a while. I was feeling it last night as I was almost overwhelmed with moving back into the house, having boxes of my stuff stacked up and trying to get her stuff out of the way. Finances are weighing heavily on my mind, although I'm alright for at least another month or so, and it was my first night having the kids over at the house which was great...until I took them to their mom's house and came back by myself.

 

I wanted to sit on the futon (she took the couches) and drink beer and watch TV all night. Instead, I grabbed my cahones, cranked up some music and spent 3 hours unpacking and organizing. I did manage to have a few beers along the way.

 

I also spent about 2 hours on the phone talking with friends as I was unpacking, which was therapeutic. I've gotten out and met several new people through some local "Meet-up" groups and am eating healthier, exercising and trying to stay busy...still doesn't change the fact that our entire lifestyle has changed dramatically in the period of a few weeks because someone else made a decision that they think the "grass may be greener."

 

Their loss...

 

Stay positive, stay focused, good luck and keep posting!

[UnsureinSeattle]

Wakeup- I don't think you realize how strong that your are and how well you've done handling every setback she's dealt your way. Your "ultimatum" was a good idea, I feel- your cards are out on the table, and you've gone back to working on yourself and taking care of the kids... it may not feel like it now, but you're doing well. I promise.

[tojaz]

Feeling very low. I can feel the tears waiting behind my eyes, fighting to burst free. It's times like these in which I realize how little support I have where I live. My family is so busy. The few close friends I do have, all live hours away, with their own wifes and familes. I don't have the girls this week, I know that is making things worse.

 

I am trying to keep myself busy. Exercise, movies, work, etc. It just the finality of my situation is becoming so heavy.

 

Went NC all day yesterday. It was hard because I wanted to talk to my girls but I knew I needed it. A break. Sometime for me. Work is getting progressively harder to deal with. I know that's not helping my situation at all. I am very unhappy at my job. Very unhappy in my (declining/ending) relationship. But I have my children and I have the hope for a brighter future. Still, today, today is rough.

Hang in there S2W, rough days like this are going to happen. Keep yourself busy, not just busy work, find a project, a goal to achieve. Helps you keep your focus and will give you a few moments of peace.

Keep your head up, and Keep us posted!!!!

TOJAZ