What's best for me/her?

[starting2wakeup]

Thank you to everyone for your words and support. Seriously, I can't thank you enough. I am doing better today. The girls stayed with me last night so that definitely helped. I also have a busy weekend lined up so I'm hoping to keep on a positive track. Most of it's work but I am hoping to squeeze in a movie maybe.

 

I spoke to my W very briefly this morning. She called to discuss a dentist appointment my oldest has scheduled for next week. My week. I could tell she, my W, was sick, again. She said she thought she had a stomach bug, as she was up all last night sick. "I'm sorry to hear that", I responded and waited for her to ask me to take care of the girls. And she did. I told her I was busy and didn't have my car, so I couldn't pick up the girls from school. My car is getting new tires as I type this, which is going to destroy my wallet but it has to be done. She then asked about tonight and I told her I was working. And I am, painting, so I can afford those damn tires. And that was that. I wouldn't say it was a victory, telling her I can't help, but I do feel she needs to understand that I have a life too. When I'm sick and I have the girls, I still take care of them. I'm sorry if your on the toilet every 30 minutes but nobody said parenting was suppose to be easy or convenient.

 

I feel bad for her, I do, but I keep recalling something my IC told me, I have to stop parenting her.

 

Thanks again to all for the words of encouragement!

[debtman]

s2wu, glad you're doing better!

 

Last month my W had a colonoscopy and CT scan because of health problems she was having/has had with digestion, stomach pain, etc. and learned that she has Crohn's disease.

 

She has called a few times in the past few months to tell me she was feeling bad and might need me to watch the kids. Both times I had plans, she didn't make it sound like an emergency, so I told her that if she had to go to the hospital or was unable to take care of the kids, to let me know. Of course, she got indignant, saying she would "take care of everything herself." At one point, she even said how she "expected" me to be there for her since we are married (this is after she started sleeping with OM).

 

There have been a few occasions where she's had Dr. appointments or had to get some work done where I've helped her out and taken the kids, taken time off work, etc. I figure I'll help out when I can (when the kids need me) so that, down the road, when I want to do something I'll be able to ask her for help.

 

She did send an e-mail the other day when I was heading over to get the kids to tell me that her car battery was dead and she asked if I could "give her a jump (ha, ha)" when I got there. Apparently OM wasn't available and I didn't appreciate her joke at all since she's sleeping with someone else right now. Anyway, I did start her car when I got there, and she invited me to come over for dinner sometime since "the kids really like it when we hang out together."

 

So, it's a tough line to walk to be available for the kids and for kid related help, but not to "parent" her or be available to help her when she needs it.

 

I'm struggling with that some as I'm unpacking my stuff back into my house because she left the house a complete mess, the kids rooms are piled with toys that she didn't pack and must have just dumped on the floor. She's still got tons of her stuff in the house and I've been throwing it in plastic bags and stacking it out on the porch. Not sure how long I'm going to give her to come get her stuff, but it's starting to annoy me that I'm the one having to spend my time packing her stuff. At least it gets it out of the house and I know what she's taking.

 

Anyway, glad you're doing better. Stick to LC/NC and the 180. Work on yourself, believe in yourself, figure out what matters to you now and WORK towards that. Re-establish YOUR goals and dreams and start planning for the future, but living in the moment.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, and there's no way I'm going over to her house for dinner. No matter how much the "kids" might like it.

[worldgonewrong]

I'm proud of you, starting2wakeup. Keep rolling. We've got your back, bro.

[starting2wakeup]

In our separation agreement it states that come tax time, I get to claim one of our daughters as a dependent and my W gets to claim the other. My W didn't make enough to even have to file taxes this year so she said I could claim them both. Great. And I did just that. I turned in all my papers to my tax guy (family friend) last week.

 

Saturday while I was working, my W called with a question about our youngest and inquired about me filling my taxes. I told her that I just turned everything in and she asked how were we going to handle that. Handle what? She said that she felt like she should get some of my tax refund (assuming I get one) because she let me claim both girls. I told her that idea had never crossed my mind. I told her I would call my tax guy and tell him to only claim one dependent and that way I would be totally in line with our separation agreement. She said not to do that, that there was no reason not to claim her as she couldn't, but then went on to complain about how little child support she gets and made the claim that I make more money than I let on. WTF!? For 10 plus years she took care of our finances. She knows exactly how much I make. By the time I pay my bills each month, including the debt she left me with, I have barely enough money to buy groceries, and she knows this. And if she is not getting enough in child support why did she agree to the amount in the first place? She talked like she was being coached by her mother. It was scary. My children have never gone without. She knows if they need something to tell me and I will figure out a way to get it. That's what the phone call was for in the first place. The youngest needs new shoes. Cool, I will buy her new shoes. Why she chose to take the conversation down the path she did, to imply that I was somehow deceiving her about the amount of income I make is beyond me.

 

The next day, Sunday, I talked to her again. This time she called to ask if I could watch the girls that night as she hadn't gotten any sleep the night prior. She was up all night with "flashbacks". She had had nightmares all night involving the relative that abused her sexually as a child. I could tell she was really shaken up. I told her I could pick the girls up late in the afternoon and had no problem with them staying with me. She clearly needed rest and I was worried about her.

 

I am worried about her, but I realize now, or I should say, I am starting to fully realize that there is little I can do to help her. She has to do it herself. The abuse that she endured as a child and teenager is ruining her life. Added to whatever psychological traits that she inherited from her father, and well it's a miracle she's made this far. I want to help. I've tried for years to help, but she doesn't want it.

 

I caught an episode of Oprah the other week while visiting my mother. The man she was interviewing had been sexually abused by his biological father. It was a rough story to hear about but the interview really struck a chord with me. As the man was talking, he mention how his marriage had failed and explained how difficult it can be for someone who was sexually abused as a child to maintain any type of relationship as an adult. There were issues with trust and sexuality that sometimes just could not be overcome. As I watched I realized that this is exactly where my relationship stood. Truthfully I had become aware of this several months, maybe even years ago but I am only now starting to accept it.

Edited March 14, 2011 by starting2wakeup

[starting2wakeup]

My youngest is out of school for the next two weeks for spring break. My W called this morning and offered to watch her for a few hours so that I could get some work done at the office. Well when I dropped her off at her place about an hour ago, she greeted me at the door in nothing but a towel. She said she had just gotten out of the shower, but she was dry. A confusing way to start the day to say the least.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Don't react to her handful of breadcrumbs.

[starting2wakeup]

UnsureinSeattle, don't worry, I don't plan to. It obviously shook me for a second, so I came here, posted about it, got it out of my brain and am now choosing to move on from it.

[heartshaped]

Is your wife in any sort of IC? If she isn't, with everything I've read here, if I were you I'd at least force that issue for the sake of your children. She needs help, desperately.

[starting2wakeup]

heartshaped, yes she is but... I don't think it's helping much at all. To my knowledge she is seeing two councilors and is in one group. One councilor has been her therapist now for at least 6 years, maybe more. Personally I think he is more of an acquaintance than a therapist at this point. This councilor also sees her father and I wonder if she doesn't keep going to him as a way of connecting to him. The other councilor and the group she attends each week is for her eating disorder. She is trying hard to maintain her weight and eat right but again, I think that her primary issues, at least the mental ones, are going ignored.

 

She did undergo EMDR therapy about a year and a half / two years ago as a way of dealing with her past sexual abuse and abusive relationships. This therapy did not go well. The therapy requires one to focus on a very negative image / time from their past. My W has several but the therapist thought it was best to focus on the earliest, the YEARS she was sexually molested by an uncle. To give you some perspective on this, the abuse started when she was 3/4 and her uncle was 16/17 and lasted for several years. The therapy did get everything out in the open, he admitted to everything, but her family, at least her biological one, was not very supportive. As quickly as everything was brought out into the open, it was swept under the rug. It should be noted that she did not see the EMDR therapy through to the end.

 

I have been struggling with how to approach her about her mental state. I love her. I want the best for her. But she left me. She doesn't want to be my wife anymore so why would she want my help. Would she even listen to me? I don't know? I'm open to suggestions.

[trippi1432]

he admitted to everything, but her family, at least her biological one, was not very supportive.

 

For christ's sake..that didn't fix HER...it just helped her screwed up F of a family heal...sorry..projecting..they healed..she bore the burden. My mother went to therapy, my molester he hoped that I would kill myself..it was his goal for me..there are many days when I would like to entertain his wish...but it is my hate of that SOB that keeps me here. My parents got therapy...I had to get my own...20 years later...yeah...screwed up I know now.

 

S2W....perhaps it is projection..it took me 20 years to get the closure I needed. At the end of the day...what happened to her is NOT your fault..what happened to her is NOT her fault. She puts a lot of weight into your opinion of her as well as her families..she does not know how to think for her, as this is all new to her. She needs her center...her balance. For me, it was always myself as I could never rely on a man or anyone for that matter..I had to raise my children..had to think for them as no one else was....different for you ...already married with goals...I think the two of you could work this out if you both saw each other's perspective. Perhaps??

 

Please, don't play the 180...or any of the other "strategies" us "stupid women" already know about. Are there any books out there that teach men and women how to be genuine????

[heartshaped]

My concern is more so for your children in this. I grew up with a mother who struggled with eating disorders, depression, and had unresolved issues from her childhood. This impacted my life in more negative ways than I can tell you. I went through my own eating disorder and still struggle with body image and because of my mother's unresolved issues she was never really able to be there for me as a child. Other people took up the slack, but I was very aware even as a child that my mother was "sick" as they told me and it effected me for the worse.

 

I was also molested for about a year or so when I was about twelve; that comes with its own set of issues and after years of having to work through this I can finally say I am okay enough to let people touch me. So I understand a good deal with where she is coming from, but she needs help and she currently isn't getting it. Six years with the right therapist should have her much further along. She most likely needs to see someone who specializes in dealing with adults who have suffered that type of trauma.

 

Like I said, I'd push the issue, at least, for the sake of your children. She isn't mentally healthy and I would worry at her ability to even take care of them in her state.

[worldgonewrong]

Please, don't play the 180...or any of the other "strategies" us "stupid women" already know about. Are there any books out there that teach men and women how to be genuine????

 

I dig what you're saying - and generally agree that directness should be treasured - but at times, being the dumpee and trying to be genuine just does NOT work. The dumper chews up your sincerity and spits it out.

Sometimes the 180 is all that a dumpee has.

(I'm not speaking directly to the situation in this particular thread, mind you.)

[starting2wakeup]

trippi1432, for the record, I would never refer to you as a "stupid woman", as I greatly appreciate the time and insight you have provided me. As for being genuine, I'd like to think that is the road I have been on for quite some time. My W knows I still love her and that I want nothing but the best for her. I'm honest and open with her, even when I know she won't like what I have to say. But I am also aware of myself and my situation. In the (recent) past I have done things that hurt me because I thought it was best for her. I (try to) no longer do that. I don't want to be her parent and I know that assuming that I know what is best for her is doing just that. I want to help her because I love her, not because I want to shape her into someone she is not. And as such any 180 advise or practices I have done have been for me and me alone. I don't want to play a game with her or with myself. NC/LC has been for me, a way to reconnect with myself and what I want out of life. It's also been a way for me to focus on what is important, taking care of my daughters.

 

heartshaped, I have noticed, just recently, of how aware my oldest is of her mother being sick. And it worries me. I have also had a handful of people ask me over the past 3 weeks if I was going to file for full custody, based on what they have heard and seen. I have thought about it, only because I worry if she is capable of taking care of them and herself. I know that doing so would however send her into a tail spin of depression and she would probably never talk to me again.

 

It's a horrible/tough position to be in. I know I need to do something. To say something. I'm just not sure how or what. I think/pray about it every night.

[worldgonewrong]

My prayers are with you, starting2wakeup.

[debtman]

She doesn't want to be my wife anymore so why would she want my help. Would she even listen to me? I don't know? I'm open to suggestions.

 

I certainly understand you here. Whenever I go to get the kids (and via several calls/emails during the day "about the kids") my stbx feels that she needs to tell me about everything going on with her, her problems at her new house, with her landlord, unexpected expenses, etc.

 

She even takes time to tell me what OM is doing to help her, deal with her landlord, etc.

 

I generally either try to deflect to deal with the kids or just stand there and listen without reacting. I don't know what she wants from me because she is past the point of me offering to help with anything. She decided that it isn't my job anymore to help her.

 

I think she just feels comfortable talking with me and wants to vent. However, I don't vent to her. I don't share what I'm doing with her, I don't share what I'm thinking with her. I just want to get my kids and get out, but, I don't want to make her angry with me and make her "glad" she left me, so I try to stay very neutral.

 

Hard to know how to deal with that sometimes though. But I think you're right, being genuine and focusing on what is best for the kids is the key to staying "solid."

 

I would just suggest that you keep a vigilant eye on your wife's condition. It's a good thing that your daughter is aware of her mother being sick. Both of my kids are too young to notice my W's issues yet, but, it's only a matter of time.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[yessy21]

I think u should let her go. she has issues and apparently she doesnt want to be with u anymore. its been over. she doesnt seem to care much about what she did to her kids. cause believe it or not this has hurt them. Move on. U cant stop ur life because of her. next thing u know shes remmarried and u wasted all ur time and effort trying to make it work.

[trippi1432]

trippi1432, for the record, I would never refer to you as a "stupid woman", as I greatly appreciate the time and insight you have provided me. As for being genuine, I'd like to think that is the road I have been on for quite some time. My W knows I still love her and that I want nothing but the best for her. I'm honest and open with her, even when I know she won't like what I have to say. But I am also aware of myself and my situation. In the (recent) past I have done things that hurt me because I thought it was best for her. I (try to) no longer do that. I don't want to be her parent and I know that assuming that I know what is best for her is doing just that. I want to help her because I love her, not because I want to shape her into someone she is not. And as such any 180 advise or practices I have done have been for me and me alone. I don't want to play a game with her or with myself. NC/LC has been for me, a way to reconnect with myself and what I want out of life. It's also been a way for me to focus on what is important, taking care of my daughters.

 

It's a horrible/tough position to be in. I know I need to do something. To say something. I'm just not sure how or what. I think/pray about it every night.

 

No, I know you have been doing what you can and are being genuine....I still get flustered when people come on a thread and say, go 180...bitter still I guess because my exH took it that I was moving right on without him so he hooked up with his current GF and moved in. I would never take him back...but I do worry about those on these forums that do want their marriages to work.

 

For your wife to be in therapy for these issues for six years, something is just not working. I think I said it a while back...she needs to see someone new. If the two of you could do another round of MC, since she stated she might be open to it, that could also open the door to another therapist that can help her work on those issues as well.

[worldgonewrong]

...bitter still I guess because my exH took it that I was moving right on without him so he hooked up with his current GF and moved in.

 

Oh I think he was just selfish -- 180 or not, he would've just done the selfish thing.

The 180 gave him an excuse, perhaps -- but it wasn't the reason.

[trippi1432]

Oh I think he was just selfish -- 180 or not, he would've just done the selfish thing.

The 180 gave him an excuse, perhaps -- but it wasn't the reason.

 

Thanks WGW....:o

[starting2wakeup]

In my area there have been some on going issues with the public schools. To make a long story short, I'm not sure that my oldest daughter should, or will be able to go to the school she is at now for another year. After talking to my neighbor, it looks like there might be a viable option as far as a replacement school in my area. I mentioned this to my W Friday while picking up my youngest daughter. Her first/only comment was, "that's too far away from my house". WHAT!? The school she goes to now is a fifteen minute drive for me every morning and not once have I complained about it, because I care about what is best for her. I don't care how far away it is or how much gas money it is going to cost me to drop her off and pick her up everyday. All I care about is what is best for my children. I didn't say anything in response to her comment. I just looked at her like, "did you really just say that?". It's selfish comments like that make me think I may have dodged a bullet.

 

I saw my W briefly today. She had been out running and was all hot and tired. I really don't want to see her. At least not until next winter. Its too hard. She is rather well endowed and well, I have mentioned before that I am a breast man. I REALLY don't need her throwing her cleavage in my face. That's not to say I don't want her to, it's just, it's torture.

 

While I only saw her briefly, I did ask if she had read my email. I sent her an email last night about her mental health. I basically explained my concerns and wanted her to know that I was more than willing to help if she were to get serious about seeking treatment. She said she had read it just before she went out on her run and had not had enough time to think about it or respond. I put a lot of thought into that email. I made sure I was being honest to her and to myself. I don't know what else I can or should do at this point.

 

I am going to start a new exercise program Monday in an effort to focus more on my own health, and myself in general. The loneliness is starting to get to me so, I'm going to try and fight that off as best I can.

[starting2wakeup]

Last night I sent my W a text asking when she was going to pick up our youngest. She is still out of school on break and today starts my W's week with the girls. She wrote back that she wouldn't be able to and that I would need to keep them over night. I knew that she was suppose to have a medical procedure today but did not realize that what ever it was she was doing would take all day. I didn't know what the procedures were, because she didn't / wouldn't tell me about them. She just said that she didn't want to talk about it and that she wasn't looking forward to it.

 

After getting the message that I would need to watch the girls all day I called her to see what was up. She was in bed (I called her at 7:30 pm) and said she had been sick all day. She said that she had to leave town by 11:00 am and that it would take her about 2 hours to get to her appointment. I asked about the drive back and she said that she would be fine as the doctor told her that she would only be given a local anesthetic and that it would be safe for her to drive home the same day. She said she had no money and was going to have to drive her employers cars (which he left in the driveway - he and his fiancée are now overseas) as she did not have any gas in hers and could not afford to fill it up. She was worried about this, as his car is a stick, which she is not use to driving. I asked if she still had the gas (credit) card? Couldn't she just fill up her tank and put it on the card. She said no. Now there's a red flag. The card in question use to be a joint account we had to help pay for gas. I know the limit on that card and if she's maxed it out in 6 months then, she's worse off than I realized. I did not stay on the phone long with her, 5 minutes tops.

 

Today, after dropping the oldest off at school, I drove by my W's place. I called first to make sure she was there and that it was OK for me to stop by for a minute. I told her I was worried about her going to her appointment alone and about her getting back home safely. I gave her some money for gas, so she could drive her own car and a few bucks for lunch. She said she hadn't planned on eating (!), to which I replied, that is why I am giving you this, so you can at least buy a sandwich. I thought long and hard about doing this, giving her money I mean. I wanted to make sure I was comfortable with it and not doing it for any misguided reason. I did not expect to get anything back from her, not even a hug, but I was concerned and wanted to do something. I do not regret it. That said...

 

Just before I left her place to go to work she said that she had an idea as how best to handle the girls this summer when they are out of school. She suggested that she watch them during the day, so that I could work, and that I could then pick them up at night or on weekends. I told her that I had thought about, and was looking into getting a babysitter to watch the girls the weeks that I have them. She said her idea would cost a lot less but, I'm at the point where... I'm not sure I really want to see her. At least not right now, and certainly not everyday. Plus, based on the way she talked, I got the impression that this might be a way to get more child support out of me. It's a scary pattern I have noticed of late. Scary / worrisome, not because she might be trying to get more money out of me (good luck, I don't have any) but because I don't get the impression that she is asking because she wants to spend more time with the girls.

 

So around 4 pm she called, lost. I helped calm her down and directed her to the right road so she could get home. I told her to call me when she got home so that I knew she was OK. She called again around 6 pm to tell me she had gotten home. She explained very little of what she had went through and it did not sound fun. In short, they took a biopsy from a large mass on her uterus. She also said that she had to go back next week for out patient surgery. I asked if she wanted me to go with her next time and she said no. This killed me. Why? She was my best friend for over a decade. Her not wanting me, my support at a time of such stress and uncertainly... it hurts. I want to be there. I'm worried sick about her. BUT, she doesn't want me there. She said she had a lot to think about and didn't want to make the wrong decision. I assume she is referring to the options her doctor gave her today. She did say that nothing the doc said at her appointment was positive.

 

If you knew you had a possibly life altering medical procedure, HELL, ANY medical procedure in front of you, wouldn't you want someone you love there with you? Someone to support you and help you through it all. I would. The fact that she doesn't, it makes me think, she really doesn't love me anymore. And I'm having a very hard time dealing / accepting that.

[starting2wakeup]

I had some horrible dreams / nightmares last night. They were very depressing and clearly a way for my brain to overtake my heart.

 

I saw my W briefly just now. She dropped by my office to pick up our youngest. She explained a little bit more about her ongoing health situation. It's not good. Sadly, it's also nothing new but this time she appears dead set on going it alone. She did say that she felt better going thru surgery knowing that the girls were taken care of, and that I was the only person she trusted them with.

 

It is so hard to walk away from someone you care about, especially when you know they need help / support, but I just don't see how me sticking around, in any capacity, is going to help. Help me at least. So far, it has only hurt me.

[debtman]

I hear you. Sleep and dreams have not been my friends the past few months. I started doing some lucid dreaming exercises again, so, hopefully that will help in the next few weeks. Plus, as the weather gets warmer, it will be easier to exhaust myself exercising.

 

My W is going through some health issues herself and is just starting to run into some financial strain due to that and because of our insurance (which is my fault, of course, since it's through my work). So, as much as my initial reaction is to tell her that it's going to be fine and it's all going to work out, I restrain myself from that because it's not my job anymore. She fired me...She can look to OM for that now.

 

I hate not being able to be there for her anymore, but, it won't help me deal with the situation if I think of her as a "friend" instead of just thinking of her as a co-parent.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[starting2wakeup]

So I went to the ER yesterday. I'll try and make a long story short here, though admittedly, I'm not very good at it.

 

For the last 4 days I have had a sharp, stabbing pain on my left side (chest) whenever I breathe in. It came and went but yesterday it really started to bother me and I began to get other symptoms. I called my W and told her what was going on. I wanted to see what she thought as she knows my health history very well. She told me that I needed to go to the ER. I also called my doc and he said the same thing. My W said she was coming right over (I was at work) and that she was going to drop off our youngest with my mom so that she could take me to the ER. So my W picks me up and we head straight to the ER. I get there, explain my symptoms and they throw me in a wheelchair and rush me back for an EKG. EKG turns out normal (Thank God), so they do some blood work and take X-Rays of my chest, looking for a blood clot in my lungs. No clot (Thank you again God). Long story short (see, I'm trying), I was diagnosed with Pleurisy, an inflammation of the lining of the lungs and chest (the pleura) that leads to chest pain (usually sharp) when you take a breath or cough. Given my situation it could have been much worse. When I first got to the ER there was a man behind me with the same symptoms as I. He was having a heart attack! Pleurisy is in no way fun, but all things considered, I feel very lucky.

 

In total I was at the ER with my W for close to 5 hours, so of course, we talked. Surprisingly we did not talk that much about us but the subject did come up. At first I told her I didn't want to talk, as I was already stressed out about being in the ER. She however encouraged that I speak my mind. I told her that I hated thinking that if I were to ever find myself in this situation again that she wouldn't be there for me. She said that that wasn't true and that she could always be that person. I asked her what she meant by "person" and the answer I got was more or less what one would probably think. You know when you fill out a form for a new job or what have you, and they ask you to list an emergency contact? Yeah, that's what she meant by "person". I don't want her to be my "person", I want her to be my partner. I didn't say anything, again, not trying to stress myself out anymore than I already was.

 

I asked about my last email and what she thought of it. She agreed that her past abuse had in a sense brain washed her as far as her outlook on marriage and sex. She did not however think she was ready or capable to fully address it in IC. She said she was working hard on figuring out her health situation, her upcoming surgery and continuing to work on her healthy eating habits. She got a 60 day coin in her group, which I don't fully understand. I know in AA that means you haven't had a drink in 60 days. Not sure what that means in OEA.

 

On the way home I mentioned how it scared me to think that I have to close the door on saving our relationship, on her, because I knew I would never open it again. She knows this to be true. In the past, be it friends or girl friends, once you do me wrong, I generally erase you from my life. I don't have the time to waste on people who are not going to treat me with respect or who look down on me. I haven't had to do it often, only three times that I can think of, but I stick to my guns. She said that she was not ready to do anything about us, our relationship, but asked if there was a way we could move forward without me closing the door, "all the way." Now, I know what many of you are going to say because, well, it's the first thing that popped into my head too. "She's looking to keep me around as a backup plan". I didn't answer her. I just thanked her for helping me.

 

It does scare me. To think that, God forbid, I end up in the hospital again, she won't be there. Or that I won't want her there.

 

As a type this I feel a little out of it, but otherwise, I'm hanging in there. Needless to say, yesterday was strange.

[debtman]

Glad to hear that things went "well" at the ER and that you're alright.

 

It's amazing how things like that can really throw things into perspective and make us realize how precious life is, how important the big issues are and how unimportant the little issues are. Sort of like the thread about what's going on in Japan.

 

That being said. Your emotional state is one of THE most important things to your health and, if she's going to string you along, continually leave you dangling, waiting for her to make a decision, that's not healthy for you. Sort of like pulling off a band-aid. Hurts like hell when you rip it off, but the pain fades away...vs. pulling and tugging at it slowly and prolonging the inevitable. I don't know how serious she seems to be as far as addressing her issues and making changes to herself, only she can really know that, but I'm guessing that you have some feeling for that, but, I know what you've been going through and the emotions you've been dealing with and, having been there myself, I don't EVER want to put myself back into a situation where I have to deal with this again. If my W ever came crawling back, apologizing and saying she made a mistake (which she would NEVER do anyway) I wouldn't be able to take her back, as much as I would want to, because I'm worth more than that. I don't deserve to be treated like that and my kids don't deserve to be put through this again either.

 

Don't make any decisions now. Let yourself recover, stay NC as much as possible and take care of yourself.

 

Good luck and keep posting...